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Hi Ladies, sorry to bother you again, but I have another question/issue.
First of all I’m not looking for any expert advice or counseling service.
I have this mental block and I think we all either have it or had it at one point of CD life. My mental block is shopping at a store. I really need this in my CD life. I need to go shopping in person for Katey. My issue is when I get in the store I feel like everyone is watching me, I feel like the security camera is following me. So with that in mind I make hasty decisions and buy what ever instead of taking my time and actually looking at the product. Now keep in mind that I have only been in store shopping twice.
Question: What advice or suggestion can you give me to help get me pass this mental block. uuuuggghhh its driving me CRAZY!!!!!
Please send help. Hugs-Katey
Hi Katey! First of all, you aren’t ‘bothering’ ANY of us by asking questions. That’s why we’re all here, so we can ask questions and feel the love and support that we need. So, there’s your first hurdle. Be yourself here. Be open. Be honest. There is no judgement here!
I think what helped me when I started shopping was that, even though I was dressed as a man, I was ALL girl. I was doing everything en femme (walking, gestures, etc). So, that helped me and I didn’t have anything in my cart that WASN’T girlie. But, I just walked around with my head up and confident because I WAS a girl. Now, I also tried to stay in aisles that were mostly empty and I don’t sidle up to anyone and start having a conversation. I just was there for my business and others were there for theirs.
I did notice maybe a sideways glance or two, but by and large, no one cared. I think that is the part we ALL need to realize is that, for the most part, other people are in their own little worlds and don’t care what someone else is looking at or buying. Maybe start off at a Walmart, so that you can buy your ‘intimates’ at the self checkout lane and work your way up to checkers.
Funny story, my second time at Walmart, I found a PERFECT bra and when I got to the self checkout, it didn’t have a tag. So the helper lady came buy and I had to ask her about it and I had already scanned a bunch of stuff. She was SUPER nice about it and said she’d hold the self checkout register for me while I went to get another one with a tag. I said, no I can’t hold up the register (cuz I didn’t want my panties and stuff just sitting there and they were busy), so she canceled the order for me while I went back to get a new bra. She knew all that stuff was for me and didn’t for a second treat me like anything but a GG.
Out of all the stuff I’ve bought (bras, panties, dresses, shoes), and it was all in person, I just walked up confidently and bought them. The person at the register either was just business and pleasant or they actually engaged me and said how pretty or cute whatever I was buying was and I just responded as if it was natural for me to be buying whatever I was buying. (When that happens, it feels awesome!)
Good luck with your next shopping experience!!
*kisses* tara 🙂
Hi Tara, I would have freaked out. I had nail polish the last time and it would not ring up after numerous attempts I left it on the counter. I know this is just a mental block but I’m just having such a tough time. I’m my own worst enemy at times. Thank you sooooo much for reaching out. Hugs Katey
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You’ll get there. Try the self checkout. Because all of this was new to me starting in December, I’ve had to experiment with sizes and I’ve had to take stuff back too! Really, I think the people at the registers are trained to just do their job and not react. Nothing I’ve bought or returned has been an issue.
*kisses* tara 🙂
Tara, your comments reminded me that one thing that never bothered me, even though it’s a chore, is returning something that doesn’t fit. One; it necessitates that you need to have a real life, face-to-face interaction with a real person. Two; they’ll ask if there was a problem with the garment. It’s weird but I usually get a little rush saying, “no, just the wrong size” and assuming the clerk knows it didn’t fit ME.
Easily amused,
Clara
I’ve struggled with this myself. I posted recently about the lengths I felt the need to go to to ‘mask’ my shopping habits.
But I had a lightbulb moment in a little boutique buying some leather leggings when I realised, the sales agents really don’t care who’s buying what and for who. For them it’s a slae, cash in the draw, commission in their pocket (or however they’re incentivised), and to that end my money’s as good as anyone else’s. I’m just a unmemorable face in a crowd of 000’s they’ll see that day.
From that point on, shopping’s been great. A lot of the people I encounter are kind and helpful and, you know what, if they want to have a little titter after I’ve left, what do I care, they don’t pay my bills.
Didi💋
Hi, Katie! I do all my shopping in person. Usually I ‘ll take a second to become Tabitha in my mind, sometimes my fallback “my wife would love this” comes up in my thoughts, just in case, but no one has ever questioned me. Ever. Once in a while I get a look from another shopper, but I always just give them a smile, and off I go. Good luck, dear. Never worry too much about what others think.
[postquote quote=451994]
It gets easier, honey. It helps to think about how you’ll feel wearing the item you’re looking at.
Hi Inga, I wish I could be like all of you. Everyone here is so brave. I can do so many things in life but I struggle with this. Maybe if I have a distraction such listen to music while I shop could help. Hmmm things to ponder. Thank you Inga, I love this place, Hugs Katey
That is a really great suggestion, I never thought of listening to tunes while I shop. Although, I’d probably cause more of a scene dancing round my bag in the middle of the store. Have you ever been to a silent disco 😂😂
Didi💋
Relax and enjoy.
Hi Katey
I totally get your mental block, I had it too, but smashed it.
Whats the worst that could happen.
Can only tell you my personal experiences and chatting to shop assistants. They honestly don’t care or think it’s weird in any way for a man to be there. They are there first and foremost to sell. And they know that the best way to do that is to make you feel comfortable and offer to help. If you don’t want help, a simple ‘I’m just browsing, thank you’ is all you need to say. But engaging with the sales assistants really does make things so much more fun. Pretend you’re buying for a girlfriend if you don’t want to blow your ‘cover’. But I’m way past that now🤣 The assistants are usually thrilled if you say it’s for you, and will treat you just like they would a woman, chatting about what you are looking for, style, colour, size, length, what’s on trend etc. Some may even think you are joking in which case it’s a good ice breaker. But in my experience just chillin, owning it, and engaging with the staff just makes the experience so much more enjoyable for you and the S.A. If you skulk about hiding, scurrying away etc you may only draw suspicion.
Maybe a bit like a skydive, terrifying, nervous, anxious before you do it, but once you take that leap, the thrill is exhilarating.
Go on try it💕
❤️Bianca
c
Hi Katey.
First, you are NOT being a bother. This is something we all face at the beginning. It WILL pass with experience and gets easier every time you go.
First, find a Torrid or Maurice branch near you and go in drab. Look at everything and ask questions. The SA’s of both know that CD’s just like you want to, and often need, a safe place to go to find what you need and want. Lane Bryant is another safe place, if your nearest one is staying open. Gradually start wearing wearing femme items on your trips, loafers and maybe a femme ring or two (WalMart sells the bigger sizes too).
Each trip out, wear just one more femme item, the SA’s will notice and you will see a big change in how they work with you. Maybe a women’s button down blouse that looks vaguely like a mans shirt but buttons on the other side. As you gain confidence it will become much easier for you, and you will find most SA’s will work with you.
As far as other people staring or giving you odd looks, that is their problem, not yours. I know that I get some of those when out shopping, but I have learned to just ignore them. Most are too busy with their own life to really care, even inside one of the majors, like Macy’s or Kohl’s. Don’t give them a reason to stare, like mismatched colors or textures, and they usually won’t. I sometimes tell myself when I catch someone staring that they are just envious and can’t help it.
Have fun, go where ever you want. If you aren’t sure about a store accepting you dressed, just call ahead and ask, put them on the spot. Walk with confidence, back straight, head up, don’t slouch. Talk softly but don’t whisper. One thing you will notice in most adult women’s stores, is that it is quiet, almost enough to hear the AC blowing the air.
One thing about chains like Torrid and Maurice’s is that they are usually inside of a mall, and NEVER near an entrance. So you will have to walk the concourse to find them. Go on a Monday or Tuesday morning if you can, that is the slowest sales period of the week usually.
Hope this helps, but have fun and don’t be scared.
PaulaF
Two more thoughts from Clara.
The more you shop, the easier it is to navigate the store. Knowing your way around a familiar layout is comforting. So go as often as you can.
I love the stores with aisles and aisles of close out items, i.e. Kohl’s, Penney’s, Macy’s. When you get lost in those racks you don’t care who’s around. It becomes a mission!
Bargain Basement Clara
(that’s BBC for our lovely UK sisters ; )
Clara Cross wrote: “I love the stores with aisles and aisles of close out items, i.e. Kohl’s, Penney’s, Macy’s. When you get lost in those racks you don’t care who’s around. It becomes a mission!” Me too, Clara.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Hi honey, I remember my first shopping trip. I wore androgynous heeled boots, womens jeans, a yoga top and a drab coat over it. No one noticed, I even practiced my walk on the way.
My first trip out fully fem was at a quiet time. So maybe you could try early morning late night, like others have suggested. I found I’m when I’m fully dressed I’m so much more comfortable looking at feminine things. As far as anyone knows I’m just another woman.
Love Trisha
Hi Katey,
IMO, it’s and egg/chicken situation. Once you have discovered that nobody really cares how you are dressed, the worry will vanish. You just have to get past the threshold. My first public outing was immediately after my first makeover, which gave me the extra confidence I needed. If you have a CD or GG friend to go with you, that would work, also.
“Plan B” would be a trip directly to a known CD-friendly place, such as Torrid, where you could even interact as Katey. Familiarty builds confidence. Good luck.
Hugs,
BettylouKatey,
Bettylou is correct. It is a matter of time and confidence. In this area, we are our own worse enemy. And it will not come all at once. It has been several years since that I embraced many feelings and just over 2 years since I openly dress as I wish publicly. I can go’s shopping without a nerve for most clothing, whether masculine or feminine. However, I still struggle having a genuine conversation with a sales associate about bras. But I won’t stop trying because I know these feelings will subside with time.
MacKenzie Alexandra
Hello, and thank you for reaching out to me. I honestly don’t think the fear of shopping will ever go away for me. I do think the fear that I will have will be minimal as I continue to progress and go shopping often. Sometimes I overthink things and well I guess that I’m afraid of failing, so that is wear my fear comes from, or at least thats what I think. Thank you again, Big Hug Katey
Hi Katey,
I remember being really frightened on my first shopping trip out. It wasn’t to a clothes store but a supermarket quite early in the morning around 07.00 as I remember. I did some food shopping and used a trolley for the goods I chose and when I went to the check out the lady on the checkout just did what check out assistants do, asked me if a needed a bag, I said No thank you, she ran my goods past the scanner and I placed each one in the bag I had, then she told me the price and I said I can tap that, it was under £30.00, which I did; then she gave me the receipt and said Have a good day and I said You too and walked off pushing my trolly with the bag of good in it. If she clocked me as a cross dresser she didn’t show it. I’ve been back there on lots of occasions doing food shopping and had no difficulties. This first step made it much easier to go to Marks and Spencers en femme and buy clothes and shoes!
Love and hugs
HildaRuth💋💋Hi Katey. I have worked in different retail environments off and on for many years. I can say that stores of all shapes and sizes just want the sales. From a store owner point of view, they don’t care who is buying what, they’re just happy for the sale. From a store employee point of view, my experience has been they don’t care to the point of judging you. I’ve even had some sales associates compliment me on my various selections. I do shop for Patti in drab and I’ve even asked people for assistance. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemy. Just my two bits.
Patti 🥰
Katey,
I have a suggestion. (I have done this before to great success). Go out of town to a place where the likelihood of running in to someone is very low. Wait until about 45 minutes to closing at a women’s clothing store. Walk in and tell them you’re a crossdresser but you really need some help. Then watch them fall all over themselves to wait on you and help you find the perfect outfits and accessories. They love it, it makes their day interesting, and you’ll feel like a queen!
My 2 cents!
God bless,
StephVery likely somebody already suggested this but… there are some cd/tg friendly stores. I can also tell you that every store which remains open is green/money friendly. But just to make sure, call the store you want to go shopping to ahead of time. Let them know you are thinking about going shopping there, and you just want to make sure they will be open that day. No, please don’t ask for their permission! You don’t need it! You are a paying customer.
Also, please reflect on this… if when you are there you behave like you don’t belong in there, people will treat you like you don’t belong there. And worse, they may think you are trying to steal something. Also, don’t volunteer “I’m shopping for my wife/girlfriend”. They really don’t care if it is for them, or for you, and also, they can’t help you find your size unless you reply “it is not for her, it is for me”.
Do you know your size? if you are in between a size 10 and a 30, may I suggest checking to see if you have a nearby Torrid store? They will love to have your business! (I must have spent close to 3k there in the last year, since they became my favorite store when I asked if they had any company policy about how to deal with cd/tg customers, and I was basically told that they treat everybody with the outmost respect, and believe me, that has been my experience!)
Good luck
GabrielaHi Gabriela, I wish I had a store near me that support the CD world. All great advice and tips. I suppose I could do all my shopping online but that takes away from Katey enjoying the experience of actually going shopping. I try to be cool and smooth while shopping buuuuutttt that never last very long. I hope each time I go my confidence will build as well. Thank you Gabriela, Hugs – Katey
Dear Katey… the only one who really cares… is you! Honest truth, just do it… like the old Nike motto says. Take your time, nobody’s watching (unless you’re stealing the Cadogan’s Guide to Bali) you. More over, no one is interested in you unless you ask for help or better still, buy something.
As has been said… confidence is a huge factor! It breeds itself 100 fold!
The only one in the store angsting about this is you… save your energy for something else. Just shop until you drop!Hugs Polly
Hi Polly, I love you, You are straight forward with everything and you are spot on. I know I’m my own worst enemy and I know I will get by this, I won’t let this block stop me from treating Katey to nice lady things. Thank you Polly. Hugs Katey
Ohh… thank you for that Katey… that’s so very kind of you!
Look… I do things just like my former male self… I just get dressed in my fineries and hey, hopp.. just go into that store with a firm, confident step, look and smile at everybody… go straight to what you want to look at and look at the bloody thing!
If someone comes over to help… ask about something, anything because they are there to help… some even like to help! Don’t worry about your voice… just keep it soft and don’t swear (too much)!
I really think you will surprise yourself and want to shop more and more in person. Today, when shopping with my wife’s girlfriend… I tried on a dress and came out of the dressing room and basically asked the whole shop what they all thought! All of them thought I had chosen well… hahaha. Bull by the horns Sweety!Love you too, Polly
Katey,
Twice is impressive.
When you are shopping are you dressed en femme or are you in guy mode?
Your goal right now should be to shop for a third time. See how it goes. Then your goal should be for a fourth time.
Katey, keep doing what you’re doing.
Lee Ann
Hi Lee Ann, I have all my lady items on under my guy clothes. It helps knowing that I have my lady items on as I shop. I think part of the issue is of course I’m from a small town and I know a lot of people here, so might be afraid of running into someone I know. But thats the chance I’m willing to take. Big Hugs Katey
Hi Katey,
I too have a bit of a block with this, and the only time I get to really browse through a woman’s wear department is when I’m with my SO (who doesn’t know about me) and we’re shopping for her.
…but with shops shut for so long now, I’ve really missed this and am determined to spend some Susan time (dressed as a guy) indulging in some woman’s clothes shopping.
In order for me to overcome this mental block, my first trip will still probably be to a shopping centre far away from my home town, where nobody knows me and I’ve devised a 6 step plan to gradually conquer my fears….
1) Just causally browse through the whole department, making sure I’m walk past members of staff etc.
…then once I realise that nobody cares about my presence….
2) Start to remove any item I like from the rail to take a closer look.
…and when I realise that the security guard isn’t going to rugby tackle me to the ground…
3) Take an item to a mirror and hold it up against me.
…and when no alarms go off…
4) Ask a member of staff’s opinion on an item of clothes. ie, “do you think this will fit me?”
..when they offer honest and helpful advice…
5) Ask about changing rooms and the store’s policy. (both John Lewis and M&S allow customers to use either gender’s changing room)
…when they explain that you are welcome to try items on in whichever changing room you feel most comfortable in….
6) Try the item on, feel wonderful and buy it! (then repeat and repeat and repeat until the credit card is maxed out!)
Good luck
Susan. Xxx
Hi Susan, thats a well thought out plan. I must confess I have completed the “dry runs” and walked through the ladies department scoping out my possible purchase and getting a lay on the land. I also have thought about taking a trip out of town to purchase my items. I live in a small town and I know a lot of people so option two will probably be best for me. Susan, thank you so much for your advice. Hugs – Katey
Hi Katey,
Like everyone else has said, nobody cares. Most other customers won’t even notice. The staff will be happy to make a sale. Especially now, retailers are desperate for every sale they can get.
Shopping with someone else can really help relieve your anxiety. If you have any local CDH girlfriends, make it an event! You’ll get some shopping done AND you’ll get some time out en femme! Seriously, shopping en femme is such a rush. Go for it!
Emily
Hi Emily, thank you for reaching out to me. All the ladies here have been so supportive. I really wish I had someone to go shopping with but I don’t so the plan for me right now is to continue to do little trips to build the confidence level and two maybe take a ride out of town to go shopping. I really love shopping for Katey. Hugs – Katey
Hi Katey,
Can I endorse the idea of shopping with a woman friend. I came out to my friend Nina just over a year ago; we have been friends for almost 20 years. She was accepting, very kind and supportive and has given me lots of advice on about ‘femme’ matters. I stayed with her for a week last year pre lockdown and not only was she happy for me to dress whilst staying with her but we went out on all sorts of trips together; including clothes shopping, supermarket shopping, morning coffee and supper at a posh restaurant, all with me en femme as HildaRuth. It was a tremendous confidence boost. I’m very lucky to have her as a GG girl friend.
Love and hugs as always
HildaRuth 💋💋I think when we are dressed, we are all a bit hyper sensitive to being noticed or found out, even more when we are out in Public. It is like we have this bright led lights or spot light on us to say ” here I am ad]ll dressed up” ..lol. Depending on where you are and where you are going, you will have a variety of reactions. Some good, some not so good. I remember seeing a lady dressed up as I was going to a meeting, I noticed her from a distance as she was smartly dressed in a pencil skirt and blazer, as I got closer, I saw and realized she was either TG or dressed up. No one around her ( about 20 people) were making and issues or fuss about her. She was calm as could be and like a fish in water.
So, a lot of our issues surrounding cross dressing are in our minds and we are our own worst enemy!
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