I could use a hug and a fairy godmother!
Last night I went out to karaoke. I’ve become a regular and last night the MN Rollergirls were there! I’ve loved derby culture for over ten years. They’re gender inclusive, many of them are trans women and now they even allow non-binary peeps to skate. I met more bisexuals in one place than generally ever happens. What an awesome environment, right!? Well…transphobia runs deep and is often beyond words.
I arm wrestled a cis woman lesbian, barely won, had laughs with the crew, and got a crush on this big tall handsome long bearded hottie cis man. I sang Garbage’s “#1 Crush” to him. So he bought me a drink. 🙂 That’s when I learned he’s straight. I even wore make up and a skirt last night, but I got to hear he’s straight because he thought I was a guy. Drinking, trying to hit on him, he called me his brother, thought my boobs were no bigger than his own, couldn’t for the life of him call me she/her. That infamous MN nice, and his cuteness, had me swooning anyway. It was so loud in there when he did misgender me I barely heard it.
Outed, I saw no reason to hide what I am. He asked me about everything someone shouldn’t ask us about. My genitals, HRT, lasering my facial hair, my smaller yet I think getting there boobs, my ID, f***ing everything. I thought maybe if I was honest, I could teach him to be sensitive. Once the cat’s out of the bag, there were no busses out of bro town….even in a dress! I wonder if FFS would even help me. I wonder if DD breasts would matter. There’s so much uncertainty about all that.
Thing is, despite all of that horrendous level stuff, it didn’t make me mad. It made me feel lost. Am I a lost cause? How can four years of transitioning not matter to some? I’ve worked so hard to dress as the woman I am, I fixed my ID’s, I’ve been on HRT…sometimes, I just don’t know what it’s going to take for strangers and cute bearded guys to call me she. I feel like I’m a woman driving a big Mack truck painted pink. I wish I could get out and start driving a little red Mazda Miata. I wish my fairy godmother could just come tap my head and I’d be the woman I think I am on the outside, too.
For what it’s worth, I love myself. I hang onto my transition for all its worth because I think I’m worth everything it has to offer me. I had to wait so long to even get my medical transition. 20 years! I want to be held, I want a man deep inside me, I want to be protected, I want to be me. I just wonder if it’s possible anymore. Maybe I just need to find a hot macho man who’ll lie to me.
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