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Hi ladies,
I could use a hug and a fairy godmother!
Last night I went out to karaoke. I’ve become a regular and last night the MN Rollergirls were there! I’ve loved derby culture for over ten years. They’re gender inclusive, many of them are trans women and now they even allow non-binary peeps to skate. I met more bisexuals in one place than generally ever happens. What an awesome environment, right!? Well…transphobia runs deep and is often beyond words.
I arm wrestled a cis woman lesbian, barely won, had laughs with the crew, and got a crush on this big tall handsome long bearded hottie cis man. I sang Garbage’s “#1 Crush” to him. So he bought me a drink. 🙂 That’s when I learned he’s straight. I even wore make up and a skirt last night, but I got to hear he’s straight because he thought I was a guy. Drinking, trying to hit on him, he called me his brother, thought my boobs were no bigger than his own, couldn’t for the life of him call me she/her. That infamous MN nice, and his cuteness, had me swooning anyway. It was so loud in there when he did misgender me I barely heard it.
Outed, I saw no reason to hide what I am. He asked me about everything someone shouldn’t ask us about. My genitals, HRT, lasering my facial hair, my smaller yet I think getting there boobs, my ID, f***ing everything. I thought maybe if I was honest, I could teach him to be sensitive. Once the cat’s out of the bag, there were no busses out of bro town….even in a dress! I wonder if FFS would even help me. I wonder if DD breasts would matter. There’s so much uncertainty about all that.
Thing is, despite all of that horrendous level stuff, it didn’t make me mad. It made me feel lost. Am I a lost cause? How can four years of transitioning not matter to some? I’ve worked so hard to dress as the woman I am, I fixed my ID’s, I’ve been on HRT…sometimes, I just don’t know what it’s going to take for strangers and cute bearded guys to call me she. I feel like I’m a woman driving a big Mack truck painted pink. I wish I could get out and start driving a little red Mazda Miata. I wish my fairy godmother could just come tap my head and I’d be the woman I think I am on the outside, too.
For what it’s worth, I love myself. I hang onto my transition for all its worth because I think I’m worth everything it has to offer me. I had to wait so long to even get my medical transition. 20 years! I want to be held, I want a man deep inside me, I want to be protected, I want to be me. I just wonder if it’s possible anymore. Maybe I just need to find a hot macho man who’ll lie to me.
Transphobia, or ignorance and insensitivity? It sounds like you did the right thing, explained who you are, but sometimes people just carry on blindly. It will take time for a great many people to adjust away from the ingrained two gender system as defined by just one aspect of our genetic makeup.
I’ve had over 50 years of indoctrination and the use of “traditional” gender language so I know I make mistakes in communicating with others under the transgender umbrella, but I’m willing to learn, apologise and try to be sensitive.
It must be frustrating when you have been so patient to get to where you are and find people still have no respect; but remain who you are, be the woman you know you are and are comfortable being.
I can’t be a fairy godmother (although I’d give the costume a go!) but this is an IOU for some hugs.
*hugs*
Jasmine
Jasmine,
Thanks for the hugs and understanding. There’s a lot of ways to define transphobia. Here’s one”
“Transphobia is a range of negative attitudes, feelings or actions toward transgender or transsexual people, or toward transsexuality. Transphobia can be emotional disgust, fear, violence, anger, or discomfort felt or expressed towards people who do not conform to society’s gender expectation.[1][2] ”
Excerpt from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transphobia
It’s hard to know how to respond to it. I often feel like if I just explain my condition the transphobe would stop being one. It takes study, time, experimentation and love, however, to learn and change for the better. Being outed and then teaching others about transsexualism through my experiences just makes me feel cheap. Experts say it’s like being raped.
In my state, we have three legal genders. Female, Non-Binary and Male. Progress. I’m frustrated because these strangers have no idea the amount of effort I’ve already done to be me but even yet not pass. Replacing all of my clothes with appropriate clothes for a woman, years of painful laser on my face and legs, years of HRT with some complications, years of living as a woman 24/7 even though I know I don’t pass but have to do it anyway, having a surgeon remove my gonads, say he’ll return them only to have them stolen from me by the hospital, and getting rid of most people I know because they simply don’t approve of my gender as if they think it even matters to me what they think of my gender. Frustration is a component of what I’m feeling, yes. I just want my life now. I’m tired. Thanks for being there, Jasmine. 🙂
Best,
Dasia
I found this spot on about what I went through.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/raquelwillis/the-transgender-dating-dilemma
This is a feel good article, too, about loving presentation from way back:
Dasia, I am so sorry that you went through that. Sometimes you can give the greatest explanation to the most intelligent wall in the universe but it is still a wall in the end. Keep doing your thing and be who you are! You will find that man to be deep inside you and who knows possibly even love ❤️! Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗 sister
Danielle💋👠
Thank you. I keep living my life. Doubt is strange, eerie and getting more common. I look the other way, but…you know?? This doesn’t go away for all of us. No matter what we do. It’s getting old not being seen so often as who I am. I’m really deeply hurt by so many other humans, mostly cisgender ones, and I want the bull to stop. Grin and bear it. Shake it off. All there is to do because the other two ways I’ve been thinking off just won’t do.
Interesting story. What it says is that people respond to what they think they see, even if there are significant visual clues otherwise.
I identify as transgender and non-binary. 80% to 90% of the time when I leave my house I am completely dressed: full makeup, jewelry, mini skort or shorts or a dress, significant boobs, mid-heels, small leather backpack and a hat (rarely wear a wig). If it is daytime, add oversized sunglasses. I have been misgendered and 10 feet later been addressed correctly. For some it seems important to some that they have to decide what gender you are and clearly it isn’t based on presentation. I confess that I don’t know what’s at work here. Mostly I don’t respond, but every not and them I do. Sort of a “last straw” kind of thing. I gently corrected a young woman working the cash register at a restaurant last year. She was so undone that she had to add my bill at least 3 times before she got it right. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do…
Dasia, just never stop being you. Some people are just clueless to the world around them and don’t get it, any of it. It was definitely VERY rude and inconsiderate of him to keep carrying on like you were ‘bros’. You will always find people like that in life. When you do, write them off and move on, regardless of how sexy and desirable he might be. If he doesn’t understand after you have explained it to him, he is not worth the effort.
Good luck to you in your transition, be well and stay healthy.
PaulaF
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