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My crossdressing life resides in the closet. The potential cost of opening that door to my SO is far too great to risk it. Therefore, I must take scrupulous care with my feminine things. Over the past two years since the CD fairy returned to my life there have been a couple of instances where I have left things out, but thankfully they were never noticed.
That changed the other night. I had come home and I had emptied my gym bag out on the washing machine and in that bag I had put my makeup case in there earlier that day. After loading up the machine with my dirty clothes I put fresh items back in the gym bag for the next morning. However, I left the makeup case on top of the machine. Which my wife found later that evening. Thankfully I heard my daughters getting questioned on it’s origins before I was interrogated. This gave me a chance to formulate a lie. It was a bit of a far fetched lie, but it seems to have worked. Whew!
But that’s the thing with being a closeted girl. The lies you have to tell to preserve the secret. It all piles up inside – how much space do we have to store it I wonder….
Not much, In your case make the lie as close to the truth as possible. Me I might say “I found it on the drive way coming inside. I placed on the washing machine when I dumped my gym bag. I was going to ask if it was one of the girls or a friend that lost it! Sorry forgot to ask around, who’s is it anyway?” An even better move would to have interrupted your wife when asking your daughters. Nothing wrong finding it, just remember where. Maybe in the parking lot of the gym, you were going to take it back tomorrow.
we all make mistakes, we all hate to lie, we all hate to get caught. Most of all we can’t blame others. I thank my stars I have never left anything out! But you are not alone…I know how you feel hun. I had to hide things all over the house for many years until I finally took the chance and came clean with her about my more then just pantyhose which she knew from very early on in our relationship. Yes my crossdressing that I hide from her, which she did take pretty well but was still an issue with her as to how far I want to take it. Back then always making sure everything was put away after some dressing time. Making sure all my makeup was washed off. But yes I did slip up a few times and left a fullslip and a pair of pantyhose folded neatly on the bed. Which she found and asked questions to why this was out. First time I think I used I was putting away the laundry and forgot to put those in her dresser as she is an office worked and for years had to dress up daily. If it had been pantyhose only she wouldn’t have had a issue other then make sure the kids did see them on my side. Lol. Another time was found a glob of mascara in the corner of my eye but wasn’t sure what it was. Lucky me that time and lastly I left out a pair of black stilettos in the basement where I hide most of my things and one of my children found them as they were moved from where I set them. Not a word ever spoken about it. I’m sure a lot of us have done it once or twice.
I have two regrets about dressing. That I didn’t start earlier. And the times I lied or had to formulate a story to the people I love and trust the most.
Oh god, I know! I would love for my life to be truthful in every way, but her calling my beige toenails gross pretty much tells me how that plays out.
Hi Darcy and nice meeting you at support meeting the other evening!
My wife knew from day one I was a CD, so that was not an issue.
My web of deceit and clever lies piled up over the years during a lengthy career in the Navy. During the period 60s thru the 80s, to be identified as a CD would have resulted in loss of my high-level security clearance as a Navy Cryptologist, similar to the way gay sailors and marines were being treated during that period.
My cross dressing was limited to out-of-town trips, womanless beauty pageants, holiday events, etc. Questions came up over the years and had to be explained away. “Why do you look like such an authentic woman, do you do this often”? “That looks like mascara on your eye lashes.”
It gets difficult to recall what was said each time and coordinate past stories and explanations, which leads to stress, especially when rumors start.
To answer your question, I started running out of space for my explanations, and the stress led me to drink heavily, which led to alcoholism. Leaving active duty service in the Navy led my way to sobriety, no more need to hide my cross dressing. Civilian employment was simple, what you do on your time is your business, as long as it has no impact on the employer.
Cross dressing is actually part of my recovery program, allowing me to be who I really am.
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Yep to be a closet cross dresser you have to be a good liar too and we learn how to lie early on. Reminds me of the song by Kenny Wayne Sheppard… “Lie to me”.
The only time my wife found anything of Michelle’s was a bra the second year we were married. She thought I had a big boobed girlfriend. In hindsight I should have gone with that and gotten a divorce and been done with it but I was honest and had abandonment issues, so I came out to her.
Of course we went to therapy where I lied my ass off and claimed I was “cured”. The therapist at that time had no clue about CD’s. After that I hid everything for three plus decades until I couldn’t take the lies and living a false life sneaking around anymore. After a difficult soul searching crying jag at a local park, I came out to her not caring what happened. That was about six years ago and we stayed together but I’m not sure that was the best thing to do. Today, I don’t lie to her but I don’t tell her everything either. Its a DADT relationship. I guess its better than a costly divorce and I know its better than suicide but things will never be as good as it could be and I often wonder what could have been. I think we all have regrets.
You are right, we spend a lifetime as crossdressers lying about things as our fears are greater than the truth. My wife recently went into my Amazon account and you can guess what she found. She thought I was having an affair. I lied and came up with a story even I didn’t believe. I lay awake all night and in the morning I sat with her and confessed everything. I was amazed that she was relieved and hugged me. Though it is still a hidden subject I am no longer lying to her and we are slowly talking. Now she needs time which I understand. The lies do pile up and because they have for a lifetime they hold us back. I wish you the best in your journey Darcy. We all take different routes. It doesn’t have to be a struggle but for most of us it is.
Take care Darcy. Hugs, Maive
Great topic! Omg I think back to the times almost being caught, the fibs I said to explain why I needed to travel, hiding clothes but once in a while forgetting something so it was left to be found…. I always foolishly thought I could repress it or it would go away.
Finally at the ripe age of 59 I knew that I had to tell my wife. Retirement was looming. No more excuses to travel. My outlet was disappearing. 9 months later with the help of a therapist and friends on CDH and CDH I wrote the letter and gave it to her. Come to learn she found pictures three years prior and didn’t say anything. Was struggling so we both had secrets. Was I gay? Did I want to transition?
I got lucky..she listened…she loved me…I made sure she knew she was my priority but Carole was part of me and could not hide.
Scroll forward…I’ve been out for days including 5 to Keystone, we’ve gone out together twice and it was much more relaxed the second time where we went shopping and to dinner. She understands it’s not a hobby but part of me. We still don’t have it figured out completely, I worry sometimes I will want more but we are living each day by day making sure we talk. I believe that by putting her first, making her my priority that has caused her to make me her priority and that includes Carole! I’m so much happier !I’m sorry to hear about your mishap. I will, however, caution that your cover-story may not have been as successful as you had hoped. Your daughters probably were as puzzled as your wife about the origins of that makeup. By process of elimination, who do you think that leaves?
It won’t be the last time. Its a very tangled web we weave, and over time, every overlooked item, no matter how small, becomes another clue. Its likely your wife’s curiosity (and perhaps fears) are already elevated by possibilities, such as was there another woman in my house.
That fear, those various clues, including the ones you didn’t know you had left behind, may begin to create doubts and begin to erode her trust. Then her search for confirmation of her fears will likely begin in earnest!
Maybe its time to confront your own fears and to have an honest conversation with your wife.
Darcy:
As always, there are 2 things in play potentially:
- Being outed
- You lose control of the narrative
- Whatever people will think of you (family or external) will likely be shaped by their own misinformation and prejudices
- It is very easy to become defensive in reaction to what people say as you will always be on the back foot
- VERY difficult to ever get in front of subsequent events
- You lose control of the narrative
- Out yourself
- You control the narrative
- You get to tell your story, your way
- Be straightforward
- Add sufficient detail in order to help people understand
- People may disagree with what you tell them, but they cannot say that you were not honest
- You have nothing to be ashamed about so don’t be forced into that corner
- There is no “why”, just an “is”
- We have no idea why some people are crossdressers or transgender or gay, but respectively, it is part of who we are
- You get to tell your story, your way
- You control the narrative
In case it comes up, Conversion Therapy does Not Work for trans and gay people, and I would have to assume that is true for crossdressers also.
A Reference: https://bornperfect.org/former-ex-gay-leaders/
In every one of these situations, there is always a balance to be struck. It is between living ones current life and what we may feel that we are compelled to do. Adding up all of the positive and negative factors will likely push the scale one way or the other, but it is always a unique and personal balance for each of us.
As always, conscious thought is our friend…
- Being outed
Dear Darcy,
Believe me, your ‘story’ may have avoided a confrontation for now, but it really wasn’t convincing. Unless you’re part of the Community theatre group, a make-up case can’t be explained away.
All the little clues add up to doubts of infidelity.
Eileen
I “owner up” to my ex shortly after we were married. The old “go down like a lead balloon”was not in the race. She hated it from that day on and eventually, 20 years plus later, was a main reason for the divorce.
Lucky for me my job involved lots of domestic and international travel, so that’s when Caty would emerge in the safety of her hotel room. (Tho she did venture out quite a bit in the later years) .
New and loving So found some of my jewellery about five years into her relationship. So nett result,big case of “DADT” “she knows but does not want to know”… We sleep in separate rooms and Caty’s lingerie and some of her clothes are” in plain sight” in my chest of drawers and wardrobe.
But she stumbled across some breast forms some years back and just does not go in there anymore
Happy dressing
Caty.
I’m probably flying in the face of most of the advice here but I’d say keep Darcy under wraps. You have two young children who are not going to understand why Mum is cross with Dad and might need to move out for a while.
Take this as the “gypsies warning” it’s unlikely that the appearance of a make up bag is going to set your other half off on an inquisition but anymore slips in the near future will set alarm bells ringing.
Many previous answers are from
those who have fessed up and come through the other side but my guess would be that for every one of those there’s at least one other who ended up lonely and in a bad place. When you are older, the children grown up then it’s a different story but for now, there’s far too much to lose and very little to gain.
In summary, improve your D’Arcy security, plan your plausible reasons for anything that might be found and just be bloody careful
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