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Hello,
I’m happy I found this site. Cause last couple of days I’m struggling with the thought that my boyfriend is a crossdresser. First I was like okay when he told me and no problem with seeing him dress up and other things. But now he wants to go futher with it. And somehow it scares me, I have sleepless nights about it, anxiety, kind of nightmares, fear of him leaving me or the other way around. I love him deeply and I want him to be himself and happy. But it’s harder than I thought. Especially now he made profiles to come in contact with other crossdressers to share photos, feelings, thoughts, ideas and advice. It’s real now. The plan was to go into the t-girl world together without any secrets. But now he made those profiles which are private and I have no access, it feels like betrayal. Cause he did the opposite of what we talked about it. Kinda makes me angry and suspicious. I told him that if he wants do it on his own he needs to leave me out of it and don’t ask me for advice or say he wants to do it together! The thought of breaking up with him keeps coming up in my mind this past 24 hours. He knows that I’m struggling. I just don’t know what to do..
I hope I can make some online friends here to help me get through this.
Ronnie, Welcome , this is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. For you it would be extremely difficult. I saw the shock from my wife as for us we were married for many years and only a short while ago that I opened up to her . The biggest concern was the mistrust I caused. Seeing her and the hurt that it caused was hard. We had many talks and through this agreements and guidelines were set and together were slowly working it out. But Cdh and it’s resources helped my wife and myself understand more about our individual troubles. I learned more about myself and she with help from a wonderful group we have here exclusive for my wife where many GG girls like yourself could receive the help and support to get the answers your wanted to know. This group – private ( wives and significant others ) . For you special ladies where Cders are not allowed. Meet with them and get the support you need. Look into other forms written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topic . Many face this troubling ordeal but be assured you have support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. The best to you both as you venture through these new paths together . Very happy meeting you and welcome.
Stephanie 🌹
Hi Ronnie
We are so glad you are here.
I know this is very hard. There are so many feelings and emotions. Take a little time for yourself. We are here to support you in this journey.I have sent you a PM and invited you to the SO group. There are many of us here that have been in your a similar situation.
Hugs
KaylaThank you Ronnie for being open and sharing!
I agree with you – he shouldn’t be keeping the profiles a secret. You were willing to see he was happy and share this together. I can understand wanting to share this with other CDers, as a GG (genetic girl) you see things one way and we might view it differently. But it should be done together, or at least shared after what was asked and what responses came in, then discuss them. You might decide some pictures are too sexually charged to share. Maybe he is sharing it with men who think he is a GG, as many have fantasy about a man treating them as a woman but have no desire to actually be touched by the man. You are right to want to share all of it, or none of it. Maybe he is a member here and can share their point of view.
Hugs, Ellen
It’s totally fine to feel however your feeling. None of that is wrong. It’s fine to feel anxious. You guys have to talk it through and with a level head, practice loving patience together, and do your best to put life’s armor down and just talk like two old friends.
As far as the profiles go, he’s probably got some internal shame or embarasment going on for whatever natural and perfectly normal feeling he has. Men have issues with their feelings. I can say that 100%. You sound incredibly encouraging and supportive though, make sure you tell him how hurt you are over him hiding something from you. He is lying by omission, especially if you both talked about doing this together as a couple. He might want to do stuff on his own, which he has to tell you about he can’t just go out and do it since that’s not the agreement within the relationship. It breaches trust. It needs trust to work, and it sounds like that trust is in question. Encourage him to do whatever BUT make sure he’s cluing you in or talking to you about it. It’s an agreement.
You have to feel safe in your relationship, and for that to work there has to also be trust. I know you don’t want to loose your boyfriend, but (calmly) read him the riot act and then tell him you’ll find another cross dresser to shack up with. As a straight cross dresser I really want nothing more in the world than a supportive woman. He might not keep in mind how lucky he is. Gently remind him of that.
I think the key thing is to try to keep an open dialogue. let him know why you are having a hard time and make sure he understands why. being a Crossdresser is a confusing thing. its hard to shake habits and feelings. hiding is like second nature to us, so even in a relationship sometimes we fall back on what we know. its new and scary to the both of you. is your boyfriend on here? if not, invite him. that way yo can both be on the same site and can communicate on here. its a thought at least.
Ah I’m so happy with all the supportive comments, advices and understandings. Thank you all so much! I’m little overwhelmed with everything these past days. But I’m gonna let everything sink in. And figure this site/community out cause it’s all new and so much to read and learn. So I’m gonna take my time. I will join the private group eventually.
I haven’t told him yet about this. But did tell him that I was going to look for support group to talk about it, with other ladies who go through the same thing with their lover. He agreed that would be a good idea. Cause this is not something I’m comfortable to talk about with my friends any time soon. I only know this myself since last month after 5 years being on and off with him. So yes we definitely still have some trust issues to work through. That’s problably the scary part that I’m afraid he will leave me again.
Thank you all again for all the kinds words, advice and understanding and warm welcome <3. I’m gonna explore the site now.
Hugs, Ronnie.
I think you are the most beautiful spirit. There are so many things going on in what you are saying and the responses are giving some insight too. You are coming to grips with his choice and want to share it with him. Check. He is coming to grips with his choice and has unleashed him/herself because your green light freed a piece of the feeling of shame he was holding inside. That weight lifted he is now testing his limit and is stretching his fantasies and fetishes. He most likely has some shame about that too so he is hiding that part.
You need to decide if you might enjoy role playing. If yes, find out what his kink is and play along. Give him a reason to be infatuated with you too. Maybe it’s lesbian fantasy. Could be Mistress slave or maybe you take the role of the dominant male and make him be the submissive female.
You are great! Go take charge and tell him you want to be a part of his fun . . Or not. But it seems to me that thinking of panties and high heels are making him horny.
Just my two cents. I know a bunch of CDs that have gone through that phase too, including me … still sometimes.
Love, Nayomi
He has an Instagram account and an account on a t girl chat site. But based on the profiles there most people are looking for 18+ things. But he put in his bio that he isn’t loooking for that and only wants to share outfit photos, ideas, experience things like that.
So he let you read his posted bio. A start. So why not let you have access to all of it? Does he fear you will post something inappropriate under their guise? I doubt that is true. So why not share? He may fear you will lose sight of him as a man and then no longer love the person. This is a matter of Trust. Explore his fears and your together. Many of us make great husbands because we take on macho roles but also have the softer side that many women want. We are femaphiles -we love things that are considered feminine. We want to experience feminine activities and feelings. If that is what he desires and you are okay with it, show him with actions.
Hugs, Ellen
Hi Ronnie!
It’s great you’re looking for answers. I really wish the best to you.
You need to talk to him, really talk to him and let him know about your fears and feelings. He might actually just be seeking advice, trying to find friends who share his interests, and I’m sure he’s very excited to start this new journey in his life. however, it may also be true that he has other urges and fantasies that he’s not telling you about. The best thing to do is to be honest with him, tell him exactly how you feel, and tell him that if you’re going to support him, then he needs to be completely honest with you. Does he have any interest in being with men? With other transgendered girls sexually? Does he get turned on when he looks at any of these sites? Does he look at porn? Does he ever act suspicious?
My girlfriend accepts and celebrates so many aspects of my alternate lifestyle, but it is because I share everything with her. Just like any other aspects of a relationship, nothing really works without honesty.
I didn’t always have this type of relationship, and I used to hide a lot from my exes, all of which initially said they’re ok with it, but they didn’t know everything.
It’s better to know everything now, so both of you can make a decision on where your relationship is going, and if this is something you both really want for your future.
It’s one thing to say you’re accepting, but another thing to take on this new concept entirely and truly love each other for long term.
I’m sure he’s also very nervous and anxious about a lot of things right now, and it’s certainly a lot for you to take in all at once. Remember to be fair to yourself. Your emotions and feelings are quite real, and he needs to understand that and treat you with complete dignity and respect. It’s a two-way street.
Good luck to you. Maybe you’ll make some good friends here as well. 🙂
Thanks!
AlyssaHi Ronnie,
Well, I think the biggest question to answer is if this is just a pleasure for him or if he is really a girl trapped in a man’s body. It’s not the kind of question we know until we are much older, but some counseling with someone trained in this might help. Full honesty is required, he must be just as ready to leave the relationship if he is planning.. err, no destined to transition. You never “Plan” to transition. I go by how often he sees a female in the mirror (even when in guy mode). Not just a feeling, but you are totally overwhelmed with seeing a girl in the mirror (regardless of your hair, body shape, junk, etc). Transsexuals see *HER* in the mirror almost all the time. I see *HER* once in a while (about once every 2 or 3 months), but totally love my male side and will never transition.
Next, you must account that this fem side is a big part of his personality (even when it’s not wearing a dress and heels). It’s a part that some women are attracted to.
Good luck and thank you for not turning your back and running! Gender Dysphoria is very complex.
Josie
If you ask me he is lucky to have you and if he thinks on this he will see what a great position he is in. I think you were initially ok with the dressing but the trust side is the bit you now struggle with. Tell him it’s all or nothing. Ask the questions to satisfy yourself, are you gay, how far do you see this going, are you a female in a mans body. Personally I am man in a dress. I have no desire thus far to pass and enjoy the clothing and femininity of it all. There is much to be gained by both but the key here is trust. Like a normal (whatever that is) relationship if the trust is damaged then it will struggle. Happy to chat on Message at anytime you have a question or need a shoulder.
Get him to open up and you be real honest about what you will and won’t accept
Lacey
After I posted here and talked that afternoon with my therapist about it and with my boyfriend and on Thursday (small parts cause I don’t want to talk about it through the internet with him) I started feeling okay again. But the next day it starting itching again and yesterday I got more upset. I can’t even express how I feel today.. I even cried not cause all of this but also other things I’m going through, so I had my breaking point. I’m purposely ignoring ( I know not the best way but I’m in a mood it’s better to stay quit) him since last night cause the plan was to talk over the phone. I had let him know it would nice to hear his voice again Thursday evening. Cause haven’t seen or heard each other’s voice these past 2 weeks and we won’t see each other till next weekend. But Thursday he had a friend visiting and yesterday he was playing a soccer game with his friend. So i said I was gonna watch my tv series and that I didn’t want small talk. He tried to have a conversation after he was done but I was already over it.
Well to answer some questions that got asked. He’s not into other males. He doesn’t want to transition into a woman. He likes to dress up when he feels like it as a woman with clothes, shoes, wigs, makeup, jewelry. He likes the way it makes him feel and look. Almost all his stuff is at my house. I’m still okay with him dressing up and all. The plan is next month to go shopping for make-up so he can be complete she when dressed up. But I’m on a certain level not happy with the plan going in the t-girl world together (he mention every time he wanted to do it together and not alone) and ending up him alone and shutting me out. He can have those profiles he can talk with other cd’s and exchange experiences, tips and advice, like their photos but that’s it. But that he made his Instagram private I’m not okay with. He only updates me about how many follow requests he gets. And once that he had a small talk but not a deep conversation with a other cd he thought ( I think that’s something you mention right away and what does he mean not a deep conversation?) . Apparently it’s a big thing on Instagram cause it’s insane the requests ( I don’t even have that much followers since I made my own not private account like 4 years ago but haven’t posted anything since 2017, maybe kinda jealous haha) . I just checked it and he changed his bio and added an new photo. I think he should put like most other cd’s do that he’s in a serious relationship involving kid(s). I hinted on it yesterday when he was complaining a man tried to send him a pic of his little friend and asking for return. But he was like no they won’t read that. And that maybe he shouldn’t make it private then he won’t has to deal with accepting all the requests. My feeling says he’s acting suspicious on purpose. I know that when I finally have calmed down and mention this, he will say something like “I’m only doing that to not make you uncomfortable.” sure.. (yes you can probably see like the way I’m making my sentences I’m getting annoyed and irritated) . He did say next time he’s here we can login together. But if he did it the way we talked about it shouldn’t be this way. Maybe I should give him a dictionary so he can look up the meaning ‘together’. I’m even this close to reactivate my tinder or other site I deactivated my account just for attention from other males and females(I’m bisexual). See if he likes that not knowing what kind of pictures I post of myself, who I like and have conversations with. I’m so irritated right now sigh..
Maybe I’m selfish but I think he should be happy and appreciate I give him a free pass for this and he doesn’t have to go behind my back. Oh and yesterday he said he told a good girl friend of him about his profile(s) that he made and she said that it’s encouraging of him. And through my mind went you didn’t do it on your own I helped you. I deserve some credit too! I know his darkest secrets (he’s been really open about that since he came out) fantasies and wishes, things he want to experience. And I’m okay with. It’s for him not just the dress up but also the 18+ side of it and even that I accepted. The first time the first few days after were weird and me doubting myself cause I thought I knew myself well. I accepted myself that it’s okay.
He knows I’m on here. He tried making a profile but then complained he couldn’t add profile picture or photos. So he deleted it. But he said he’s going to try it again after I explained how. Don’t know if that happened. I don’t care if he reads this. I hope he does so maybe he realize how ff up this is. But I know sometimes he doesn’t notice it himself when he starts doing behavior things like this.
We both have on different levels trust issues but I have them obviously more then him and that’s all because of things that happened in the past. He knows there is one certain subject I still have questions about and difficult with . But he’s willing to answer them all and take that part away. Maybe I make him sound like selfish not a good boyfriend. But besides this he’s the one for me and I knew it since the beginning we met. I want to grow old with him, having more kids, living together (if the house has extra space I can take time for myself as high sensitive introvert) . He’s really open about his feelings for me, I’m more keeping it to myself person, he’s a sweet ‘father’ so I’m/we are lucky. So I’m not gonna break up with him those thoughts flew out of the window that same evening. Cause it took us 5 years to come this and not planning to let this break us up. It’s something we have to get through or more me.
Best thing is to talk about it over the phone or better when we are together. So we can hear and see each other voice and face. So we can’t mistake what the other one says. But I’m happy I got this of my chest now. I’m gonna enjoy my evening catching up my tv series. While he’s at a big party what he deserves to enjoy and don’t wanna take that away.
Thank you all once again <3!
Hi Ronnie
First may I say that I think you are an exceptional person to seek out support from us and bare your sole to one and all on the site in an attempt to come to terms with your relationship with your partner.
I have been very lucky in that I was out and fem when I met my partner over 30 yrs ago – so there has never been any confusion on what I am or want to be – and this was well before the advent of the internet.
In my humble experience, the TG lifestyle is akin to letting Pandora out of the box. A big step one day becomes a mere waypoint the next, and then just a passing place as the dressing adventures and achievements becomes more ’normal’ as you become sensitised and try to build on the last event.
In this situation, dressing is new. So your partner is like a teenager exploring all the new avenues and experiences, running around in a sweetie shop trying all the flavours at the same time .. but needs to be made to understand that there is some dangers in the pathways that you are not prepared for them to take.
There is a need to set boundaries, simple rules and guidelines to help both of you stabilise your relationship and rebuild your trust. These need to be regularly reviewed and re-estabished.
Pandora is a destructive element in mythology and TG lifestyle. She is all encompassing and wants nothing more than to dominate and rule, rather than be banished back into her box.
I have had many boundary discussions with my partner over the years, and all revolve around me getting too adventurous and not keeping them involved in what I was doing – partly as I didn’t want to bother them, or share my adventures with them, or even thinking that they may not be interested in what I was doing .. but every now and then we have a ‘discussion’ and I am normally the one at fault.
Now having said that – I never ever put our relationship in jeopardy, I am completely monogamous, as I truly adore my partner, and could never do anything to betray that, but from time to time I have drifted away from the set boundaries and need to be brought back.
Any TG who has an accepting, supporting and participating partner is very very lucky, and very rare (- it’s the golden dream of many) – so they would be very wise to never put that relationship at risk.
May I suggest that you put a time line together so as you can build up a list of things to do, places to go, people to meet together, staring off in safe social events, like going to the cinema or to a show, having a meal out and visiting a TG group …. feed pandora at your pace and keep it fun for both of you. only doing things that you are comfortable doing, maybe in another town, so as you both get equal enjoyment out of the adventure. Fares’ fare after all !
Just my thoughts and hope that you find them useful.
hugs and hope
Dawn x
Hi Ronnie.
I am sure this has all been hard for you. I hope you are getting the support you need.
I am a male CD. Now every situation is different but we can learn from it. My journey began years ago. I was lucky I had a supportive family. Of course life has not been without it’s issues. The biggest for me was a sense of loniness. There was a point where I though I would go through life alone without someone at my side.
I had my family and friends, but no special someone. Then I met someone, now each situation is defferent. Yes, I am a male who dresses up as a woman just about everyday. I have a supportive employer. But more important I have that special someone in my life.
My significant other is male. We found eachother, we fell in love. I am evergrateful for his support. He joined this site and has found support. So will you.
I wish you and your man all the best.
You sound like a really great spouse, for being so helpful and supportive.
You need to have a sit-down and tell them how all the secrecy is making you feel and get it all out in the open.
You may need to set some boundaries for your own mental health, they should be able to support that.
Cynthia
I have… we have boundaries… he keeps crossing them
Hello there Ronnie…….,guess I could be considered a Ronnie Too (Veronica). Sweet-heart….you are not alone in this situation, many of our girls have travelled this path before you as will many after you. One thing is for certain….you are very lucky to have found out this situation BEFORE you are married.
Ronnie….do join our Significant Others Section…..for girls whose husbands/boyfriends have become cross dressers before/after marriage. They can be of great assistance to you. My first recommendation to you…..do act on anything in haste. Try to understand what cross dressing is all about. Cross dressers are not necessarily gay nor do a lot go on to become trans-sexuals. Knowledge on the subject is paramont. Amazon Kindle has a lot of free books on the subject. It is very complicated and takes in genetics and psychology, which if you wish, I can explain to you. Men wearing dresses is very old custom. Greeks, Vatican Swiss Guard, many African Nations wear dresses. It is a fashion statement, not a sickness. Women wear suits and ties, jeans, mens clothing but there is no stigma attached to that.
Rest assured he is afraid of what he is doing…….hence not including you in certain things. Do not get upset by this. Everyone has their own place of privacy, for their own reasons. Let each other breath a bit. You both will get along better. I caution you against marriage until you understand him and the subject better. Many girls find a CD husband a blessing! Again….my door is always open to fully discuss the matter if you wish. The trend these days is for feminization of relationships (female dominate). The world is changing to female run everything. Maybe it will be a better place.
Hugs………and compassion
Dame Veronica Graunwolf
Ronnie…..Sweetie…..take all the time you need to sort thru things. Everyones story will be a bit different, so, do think things thru…..we are all available anytime to assist you……do feel free to contact any of us for assistance or to answer questions. You are very wise to study this issue BEFORE you marry and things get very complicated. Always remember…..my door is always open to you…….call me when and if you need me….I am here for you.
Hugs…….
Dame Veronica
Run
Run fast!!!
Hi Ronnie
What you are struggling with is a convention, no worse than women wearing men’s clothes.
David Bowie wore dresses in the 1960s for the attention and shock values.
After the gender benders of the 1980s, you’d think everyone would be used to it!
It’s not a problem unless you make it one.
Try to thread out your concerns, which may well be valid ones, or may not.
Get answers to those, and you’ll probably find that what you’re left with is a garment preference with which a lot of fun can be had!
Love Laura
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