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Before I went for my makeover, I had made a soft commitment to myself to go out to the Art Museum as Lorie. Alone. For the first time. More on that latter.
Let me say first off that this makeover was more of a makeup lesson. I happened to know a ciswoman who is a makeup artist and hairdresser who is the partner of a longtime friend who is genderfluid AFAB masculine leaning. She was willing to give me a wonderful tutorial. The awesome part is that she was able to give me tools and tips that allow me to compensate for my wrinkly and droopy eyes. It has been really difficult for me to get makeup on them with any consistency.
I’ve been doing my makeup for more than a year, and feel like I do a decent job with what I have. This makeup lesson taught me that there was plenty of room for improvement and that there were products out there that would be a huge help. I can’t wait to see how I look next time.
I also got to wear a couple of her wigs and see that I really need to invest when it comes to hair. It was interesting to see what really works for me. I thought long hair would be the ticket, but it seems that a bob would be better. It was so exciting to see the girl in me with nice hair and makeup!
Then she did some work with my natural man-hair to make it look feminine, and told me that the natural silver of my hair really complimented my color much better. I could see Lorie so well with the silver bob. It also felt more authentic. And I could just imagine being Lorie without a band and insulation around my head- what freedom! It convinced me that I’ll grow my hair out and see what happens from there. Not sure if I’ll be able to go totally male once the hair grows out. We’ll see.
Ah, yes, but was I ready to go out in public? No. No way. Nada. Nyet.
I went anyway.
I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, so I wore a simple brown t-shirt style top that was long (crotch length) over a straight knee length jean skirt with hiking sandals. (I forgot to bring my girly sandals. Oh well…) When I got home and looked in the mirror, I realized it was Really boring. Maybe ugly. Not what I usually like, but it was forgettable.
The Cincinnati Art Museum is a large one, and my hope is that an arts venue would be populated with more progressive people than other venues. They currently have the Burning Man exhibit which is a national touring exhibit, and I really wanted to see it.
Driving there felt like a constant tug of war with my fears. At every turn in the road, each intersection, even the traffic slowdown seemed to say, “Turn around! Go home!” But I won. There was a part of me that knew that this would all be a laugh, a “ha!” at the concerns.
As I walked in, there was a young person, who I would guess as AMAB, with long black hair at the desk. As I approached I smiled and asked about the exhibit. They were smiling when I approached, and they seemed eager to be helpful, and sent me off with a smile.
I had gone in the back entrance to avoid the crowds at the front, but I would end up in the front hall in the long run anyway. In the meantime, I took the elevator up to the top floor so I coudl work my way down without having to climb stairs, etc. The exhibit was actually somewhat sparse, but it was a nice sampling with some great videos.
The reactions of others as Lorie enjoyed the exhibit was questionable. I felt like people were clocking me at every turn, though some people didn’t notice me. It took some great willpower not to look at Everyone to see what there reaction was. I did my best to enjoy the exhibit without restricting myself or Lorie’s mannerisms. As a matter of fact, I really enjoyed feeling my natural sway walking through the halls and standing tall as I read the plaques for each item.
I had the sense, this awareness, that it was up to ME to create the atmosphere of acceptance with my acceptance of myself and the joy that I felt with my true expression. It was up to me to BE the change I wished to see in the world.
There was a joyous freedom, as well as the surreal sensation that I was disembodied, or that I was invisible and walking through these rooms and past these people as if in a time warp. It was like they couldn’t touch me or maybe even see me. I was free to move about the cabin. Wow.
Walking out of the building, past the desk with the staff person giving me a nice smile and “Have a great day,” I stepped out into the sunshine and breeze feeling like I’ve climbed a mountain from which I can see the next mountains to climb, knowing that it is possible. I am strong. The world is not evil, but friendly and tolerant. It’s not up to them to make me feel at home. It’s up to me.
I’m so happy for you!! What a wonderful day! I’ve had my moment like that, albeit shorter than yours, but in the end it was so freeing that no one judged me because I was ok with being me. It’s sad how fast that security has passed and I’m back to being extremely nervous about going out again. Hopefully I’ll cross that threshold both literally and figuratively in the very near future. In the meantime I’m so happy that you had such a great experience!
Holly, that ebb and flow resonates with me, and I wonder if it was all real. It is real. I don’t know that it’s confidence, but it’s a combination of courage and determination and looking for the truth instead of making up stories about what other people are thinking. Or maybe just recognizing that I can never know what they’re thinking, so I might as well make it up in my favor. Ha! I like that.
Wonderful to hear. Doesn’t it feel so Majestic to be walking around amongst others , yes feeling and little discomfort but with head up , eyes forward showing no fear certainly does show a confidence to really enjoy the experience. And absolutely it is you that has to make it feel as it’s your home . Enjoyed reading your post and thank you for sharing.
Stephanie 🌹
Hi Lorie , so freeing & liberating , such a wonderful experience 😊
Congratulations Lorie
Hopefullt now you have made that leap into the big wide world the next time will be easier, and the next !
And I’m sure with your new make up skills you will look even better.
Keep your chin up, confidence is the key.
I am the epitome of normal where I live, normal height, weight, skin colour, health etc. Until I went out in public as Bianca had never really had the ‘self conscious’ weight on my shoulders. The feeling ‘Are other people looking at me?’ Gnawing at my brain. It then hit me ‘ Is this how people who feel they are different feel?’ For example people who are very tall,small,overweight,different skin colour, physical disability, etc. I now feel being different is better than being normal😂.
love
B
That is such an amazing realization! I rarely think of myself as tall any more, so I felt pretty “normal” as well. But to think about all the ways people can be seen or just feel that they are different, and that this is just another way we can recognize that different is normal.
This is my mantra; “My being different does not give you permission to dehumanize me.”
Congratulations Lorie! Thanks for sharing part 2 of your successful outing. You are on your way.
You are- Strong. Beautiful. Confident. We all aspire to be you. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it inspired me, and it will inspire others.
Hi Lorie, I know you told this story at the support meeting after your outing, but I wanted to offer you feedback here as well. It’s great that your make-up session/lesson was helpful to you. Even though I’ve only been out in public at the picnic, I think your idea of going to the art museum is a perfect option for an outing. The why I see it, an art museum is a place of quiet and serenity. Also with security all around; other people who might object to you being who you are, are not going to create a loud disturbance just to point you out. You should be proud of yourself for accomplishing this and I’m glad you enjoyed your day. Your Crossport and CDH “gurl” friend Brittney Andrews.
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