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This is something that I have wanted to share for a long time. First of all I just want to say that I have been confused for about 7 years as to what to call myself or how to classify myself.
Pretty much I have the same starting story as a lot of girls. I was dressed as a girl on occasion by my mom till I was about four, until she stopped apparently because of my adoptive dad. From what I can remember I continued to dress as often as I could after that. I would play barbies with the girls down the street as I grew older. I remember when I was like five my dad caught me with some girls clothes I had taken from cousins and the such. I still remember how bad the spanking hurt, being called a faggot, gay, and being told that boys don’t wear that stuff. Anyways I would dress and be girly as often as I could get away with.
As life went on and puberty hit, I remember being out with my guy friends, and they would always be looking at the “sexy” girls. I always felt odd at these times because even though I thought the girls to be attractive, I always felt more envy. I wanted to be in their shoes, I wanted to experience their life. I had no idea what this was called at this point in time (2000-2006), I just thought my brain was messed up and I was a freak and had some kind of problem.
When I got older and moved out to a place of my own, I found that all of my time was spent in femme, unless I was at work or had to go shopping near where my parents and family liveThen I got cable and Internet for the first time in my life. Saw these wonderful documentaries on IFC, Nat Geo, and other channels. I finally realized that I didn’t have a problem, that I wasn’t a freak, and that there were many people like myself on the world. I felt such relief.
After a few months I decided that maybe I should find a professional to talk to, just to get my feelings out. I ended up going to this free clinic and speaking with their psychiatrist, or psychologist, honestly can’t remember which anymore. After a few weeks of pouring my heart out, she told me that I had Gender Identity Dysphoria. That pretty much I was born into the wrong body where my sex didn’t match with my brain.
I was so relieved to finally know what was going on inside of me. I started HRT when I was 24. I was so happy to finally be able to become who I always knew I was. However the happiness wasn’t to last. After four months going through HRT it was discovered that I had an irregular heart rythem that didn’t exhaust prior to beginning hormones. Sadly I was taken off my hormones due to health reasons. My doctors didn’t think my heart was strong enough to take the therapy. My world fell apart. I fell into a deep depression that included the use of many illicit substances. During one of those high/drunken nights, I decided I had enough of this life. My landlord found me in the early morning following an attempted overdose and managed to get me to the hospital in time to save my life. After coming to I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to be alive.
Then I met my ex wife. She brought happiness into my life again. In the beginning she was happy that I had told her about everything. We would go shopping together, go out together and life was right again.
Well that to didn’t last but so long. Apparently the man that she thought exhisted wasn’t ever there. She was upset that I wasn’t able to spend more time as a “male.” Then on the day that we met, 6 years later, she left.
I was lost again. I drank so much whiskey and vodka it wasn’t even close to funny. I ended up leaving my great job as a government contractor and moved back to my home state to be closer to family.
Slowly but surely I was able to get into a groove. I had many friends and family in the LGBT community there and life started to get a little better, and then my health decided to take a turn for the worst. I started coughing blood one morning on my way to work. Worked all day and on my way home I found it hard to breathe. I went to the hospital, to find that half of my right lung had a blood clot, left lung was collapsed, and right lung partially collapsed. I ended being diagnosed with Polycythemia and Protein C defiency, which put me at a very high risk to develop blood clots.
Anyway I ended up getting out of the hospital a few weeks later, just before thanksgiving 2015. All was going well, took my meds, went to my treatments and then in June 2016 I had a clot get stuck in my heart. I survived to say the least with just a little bit of damage to my heart.
This brings me to where I am today. Stuck in the middle of nowhere in North Carolina. Still recovering, but surviving. Depressed and lonely all the time, but my life experience has shown me things will get better.
Now to the point of this story. The one thing I have learned time and again. Life is to short to not be who you are, to not be true to yourself. Let yourself shine!!! Don’t hide in the darkness cause one day your end will come. It’s the choices that you make in your life that will either give you or hinder regrets while your passing. Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you from being the best that you can be!!!
<p style=”text-align: right;”>I hope that my story is able to help someone in need! Thanks for reading. 💋💋 Elissa</p>
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