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I just wanted to share my coming out story. I told my wife last weekend that I am a Crossdresser. I had been dressing in secret and not really hiding it very well. Sometimes mixing my fem and masculine dress. I was not sure what or how to tell her. I started seeing a therapist because I was on one hand very happy dressing, shopping and admiring how women put together their outfits. On the other, I felt very lonely and felt like I was lying to my wife. My therapist said that I should show her some articles on CD, so that she can learn about it. She also said this appreciation for women’s clothing etc is in your brain and that it isn’t something I chose it’s just a part of me and it’s not going to go away. I decided to write her a letter beginning with my first time trying on my mothers panties and stockings way back in Kindergarten and throughout the years of starting and purging. It was tough to tell her because I have had an awakening about 6 years ago (before that it was nowhere in my life). My dressing has progressed from the closet to panties, jeans, perfume, deodorant, lotion, leggings, and shorts. I shaved my legs a few times. I could not even understand it myself. The last year has been really tough for me. In the last month, I bought my first skirt, size 14 shoes and a few dresses. I even wore the skirt out mixed with masculine clothes twice.
After I told her she got really mad and laid into me pretty good. Said that I was gay or transgender or would be soon. She said she found it disgusting and would never except it. I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to be with her, but I just have a passion for women’s clothing etc. I told her that I was not sure that I ever wanted to go out in full fem mode, but that I was interested in wearing a skirt and maybe the right dress. She said skirts and dresses are for girls! She said that we are probably heading for a breakup. Later she calmed down and said that IF she was going to accept my dressing then she was going to have to love me more. I have taken that to heart and I am trying to make it work. She said that we need to get couples counseling, and that I cannot go outside the house in a skirt or a dress, but everything else I do including shaving is okay.
Now I am feeling a lot better about myself when I do go out partially dressed or I admire and study the way women dress. I also love to shop! I just got a beautiful, blue, paisley patterned maxi skirt from Macys (that I can’t wear anytime soon) that I instantly fell in love with. I also found gloria vanderbuilt jean in lavender (my favorite forbidden color that I am embracing) and another flowery print that would never be found in the mens section! Both were on sale for around $20 and have tall sizes. I used to feel ashamed or thought that people were judging me. Now I know that it is just who I am and at least I am totally honest with my wife and my brother and a good friend. I hope I can live and respect this agreement and maybe my wife will become supportive. Any others with SO’s that are or aren’t supportive?
Any suggestions on how to hang out with other crossdressers? Or just be virtual friends. I am relatively new to CDH. I read a lot on Quora but for the longest time denied that I was a crossdresser ( It is still hard to write!). I never made any comments. I keep hearing about comic con or other conventions. I live in Ventura County near Los Angeles.Hi Vanessa welcome to CDH it’s nice to meet you we are like one big happy family on here so don’t be shy come on in and join the family, thanks for sharing your story with us, I’m a mature crossdresser I’ve been dressing most of my life since i was about 8 or 9 years old when i tried my older sister’s lingerie on I’m still in the closet to my wife she says she doesn’t understand why some men want to dress up like women so i don’t think it would be any good coming out to her, I’m sorry i can’t meet up with you for a coffee ☕ I’m on the other side of the pond in the UK, I’m sure there are lots of girls near to where you live who will be happy to meet up with you for a coffee and a chat I’m sure you will find lots of friends on here so if you have any questions just ask and the girls will get back to you, there are lots of girls on here from beginner’s to full time girls who dress 👗 24/7 we don’t judge anyone on here it’s a safe place for everyone X 🎀
Hugs Rozalyn X 💋
Venessa this is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. Look into our forums written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topics. Sorry about your wife’s lack of acceptance. Many face this troubling ordeal but be asured you have that support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. Very happy meeting you and welcome.
Stephanie 🌹
Dear Vanessa
Welcome to CDH. It sounds very much like your wife is trying to accept the complete you and she must be congratulated for that. You need to remind her how much you appreciate her understanding – actions speak louder than words. I am sure your new found openness with you wife will make you more relaxed and a calmer more confident and happy person and that will only add to your already great relationship with your wife.
Good luck on your continued journey.
Hugs
ChristineVanessa –
Welcome to CDH. You will find this a lovely place to meet others and get advice. Be sure to check out the forums, articles and chat.
My wife had a difficult time when I first came out to her asking if I was gay or bi. After some discussion we agreed that I could dress so long as it was at home when I was alone. That was about 3 years ago (could be a bit longer – how time flies). At her suggestion I started therapy, not to stop me from dressing but to help me understand my desire to. It has been a great help in that as well as other areas of my life. Her acceptance has grown over the years. She has helped me shop online and recently in stores. She has seen me dressed in the past when I got something new/new to me as she wanted to make sure it fit. She figured if I was going to dress the clothes should fit properly and I should look pretty. Just recently she said it was okay for me to spend the day dressed which was a nice gesture on her part.
It is nice to see that you are in therapy, it is something I have found to be helpful.
Best of luck in your journey. Look forward to seeing you in chat.
XOXO
SuzanneHi Vanessa, Love your name. I recently came out to my wife as well so I can understand where your coming from. She took it pretty well and is now really enjoying being more involved with my dressing. It sounds like your wife took it pretty hard at first which is understandable because it has to be such a shock for them. I’m glad to hear that your situation seems to be improving. You can do a search for CDH members in your area, hopefully you can find some like minded girls.
hugs
AnnaBeth
You can find others via CDH. Also Fetlife has a number of large local groups allover the country that meet from time to time. I went to my first local group event last weekend, a “munch” to meet other members. It was done in a local restaurant and in drab. It was sooooooo affirming and fun to meet others in the flesh and be able to talk about our “thing”. They have dressed events coming up and I plan on attending! Good luck! Megan
Welcome and thanks for sharing. I came out to my wife around 15 years ago. She found some pantyhose in my things and accused me of having an affair. So I had to come clean. We did meet with a counselor experienced in gender issues. That saved our marriage. I would say now that she is tolerant. She doesn’t get angry with me when she sees something feminine in my laundry. I do my own to it doesn’t seem I am pushing it on her, but if I forget a load in the dryer, she doesn’t go off on me.
My advice is to be very patient and if anything, hold back from taking full advantage of the present situation. It can change, and possibly change for the worse. I do think the counseling will be helpful but there is no guarantee. Believe me, things can go sideways or backwards very quickly.
Welcome to CDH, Vanessa. All of us here have come to where we are from different directions. Some of us are married with accepting spouses and some spouses are not accepting. Some if are single, some are gay, some straight and some bi. Some of are out and transitioning, some f us are deep in the closet. Some of us are happy to only CD a few hours here and there are some of us want/need? to present fully female 24/7.
For myself almost 4 years ago I accidently let my X find out. The first thing she did was to tell our 3 grown kids and she threatened to tell my mother and 4 brothers. I told my brothers myself and my mother passed before I could tell her. Now since I am out to many of the important people in my life I can be out as Cassie more and more.. Cassie
Hello Vanessa … thanks for your interesting and detailed post … I have just joined CDH and like you am finding it a very friendly place … I share your love of hiking … mountains, coastlines, etc… are places I intend to go in femme mode … I would be intersted to know what you might (or already have) chose to wear? … best wishes …
Adrienne xx.Adrienne,
thank you for your kind words. I am into athaleisure. Leggings with sleeveless tops usually made for men. I am really tall. Most womens tops don’t fit me, but old navy and gap have tall sizes. I also wear panties all the time. I have gotten into overalls and womens shorts too. Im wearing an all InMotion sleeveless top from target that is designed like womens with a lot of stretch and synthetic fibers. Im kind of hybrid.
Hello Vanessa,
Welcome to our CrossDresser Heaven (CDH) site. So glad you have joined us here. Feel free to explore all that our site has to offer.
The Warmth, Compassion and Hospitality of our community members can be found throughout the site.
Please do make use of the forums and articles or public chat room and friendships offered here on CrossDresser Heaven.
At any Membership level, You can contact any of us via Private Message (PM). You can find that link on each member’s Wall under their Profile picture.
Also, you may find what you need from: The Help Center or our Ambassadors by using the links in the Top R/H Drop Down 3 bar Menu.
Here is a good link to review the membership levels and the privledges for each. Such as Private Chat (PC), Groups, Additional Photo Allowance, etc.
****** https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/membership-account/membership-levels/
I can say that couples therapy has helped us. I have people here to chat with about issues. My wife has no one like that. I got here to join here for the SO section but it isn’t very active and she is not one that uses message boards and chats much at all.
Patience is very hard because you want to be you and you want it now. I only told my wife about a month ago. She never got angry to me but it def hit hard at first. I have been trying to be patient and having talks in small chunks without overwhelming her with information and emotion. Everytime we talk about it she cries and sometimes me too…but in the end we have decided that we still love each other and dont want to lose each other. But she too does not really “accept” the dressing. She doesnt want to see it but knows I do it at night. She also said if I were ever to decide to transition or live full time en femme that would be a deal breaker for our marriage.
So…its really hard for both parties but as time is going on I think she is becoming more and more accepting. Oddly we have had more sex in the past 4 weeks than in the past year probably 🤷♂️. Over time its been a little easier for me too, as at first even though she knew i was shaving everything I had anxiety about her touching. Now we cuddle all the time and she is ok with me wearing very basic like hanes bikini panties to bed. Im still adjusting to her seeing me in those but im so happy I can sleep comfortably.
im just sharing my story to emphasize that taking times with things has been very helpful. You dont want to overload your wife! Its still a work a in progress to be sure…
i hope everything works out for the best!!
-Lilly ❤️
Thanks Lilly,
I am starting to feel the burden of freedom. “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose” Janis Joplin. I shaved my legs and have found it to be uncomfortable. I did some really light makeup for men and it felt pointless. I am 56 and have spent a lot of time in the sun. I see a lot of older women who struggle with their makeup IMO. I really feel more comfortable incorporating some fem clothes in to my masc wear. I am not even sure it’s cross dressing. I would really like to do that with skirts, but that is a red line for her. She also keeps digging into why do you do it? It’s easy with panties, leggings, shorts-they’re more comfortable and the perfume, deodorant and lotion smell better to me. I would throw in skirts are similar to shorts. Makeup, shaving, heels, wigs, breast forms, dresses- going fully fem I’m not into it out in public. I am mostly confused..
It sounds like you are in a bad place, have you ever considered counseling? Im in therapy and its not perfect but it helps.
And confusion is very common for us. Gender can be very fluid, you dont have to feel or look a certain way, its whatever you like/makes you happy. When I was in my 20’s I came out to my family as “gay”. Even though I am not attracted to men at all, I thought dressing up in womans clothes and feeling feminine in my heart meant I was gay. I put myself in a lot of bad situations and forced myself to do things I thought I would like (I didnt) because I was very confused. Only now am I realizing that I am really more of a lesbian. Im attracted to women and trans girls. It took a very long time to get unconfused, and im still confused in some regards (not relating to being gay i got that figured out). So dont be too hard on yourself and please accept yourself and be kind to yourself however you define it.
I hate yo see you and any others in mental anguish but I understand. I hope you can find the answer and just live as you, because you deserve it.
You take care of yourself keep me updated if you want and you can always PM me if you need somebody to vent to.
-Lilly
I’m so glad that everything has calmed down after your ‘coming out’. It can be a traumatic experience for both of you. I’d dare to say that the most of us here who couldn’t hold it in any longer have been through the same hell. The usual questions and the rough weeks afterwards are real killers but I can assure you that it does get easier for both parties. I went through this some three and a half years ago and now I am having dinner in a restaurant en femme , alone after securing funding for our support group from the city council. My wife and I set our boundaries and slowly they are getting less stringent and thats not from my side but hers. I am a better person for being Helene so everyone wins. I wish you a great life of freedom and joy in your journey. Maybe you need to check out Keystone, it sounds perfect for you.
regardsHelene
Thanks for sharing. My wife found out kind of unexpectedly about 2 years ago. I had left something I was writing kind of out (un hidden, not on purpose) and she saw it. She was angry and not accepting of it. Gave me the ultimatum. (She was out, too much for her). We have been married a long time and I love her. So I have remained hidden and secretive. I don’t think she suspects. We have touched on the topic one other time as she was still somewhat hostile. So I am weighing doing what I am doing at a risk, or purge forever. I have not had time to dress much of late anyway. The desire come and goes intensity. I love this place. Was so happy to have discovered it a few years back. Have even chatted with some local women. Wonderful and supportive people on this site. Good luck on your path
Ann
Hi Ann,
Sorry to hear that your wife isn’t supportive. Sometimes I wish that I could just go back to being hidden. I often don’t feel right in women’s clothes but somehow I want them. I do a lot of purchasing and then returning. I tend to mix my fem clothes with masc. I have a beard. I have shaved my legs but I don’t really like it. I don’t want full fem mode more of a hybrid. I am mostly confused. Now I have this freedom that feels powerful like an explosion. Could blow up my marriage and family or could be really enjoyable.
Thank You so much for sharing your experience Vanessa. It takes a lot of courage and more to have that conversation. From my experience with therapy, I told my former wife before we got married. Although she said she was accepting and understanding, when things in other area’s of the relationship went wrong my dressing was the first thing that got used against me. She outed me to our social circle, which was a betrayal I couldn’t forget and the marriage ended, which was the right thing (for me).
It’s important for me to remember that most women are looking through a lens of their own security, identity, feelings and social standing when it comes to a relationship. This may be why it’s so upsetting for them when their SO is forthcoming about having at least a partial female identity. They may be thinking , ” Is he gay or bi? Will he be wanting to have intimate experiences with others while he’s presenting female? Does he want to be a woman? Will he want me to be intimate with him while he’s presenting female?” It can rattle the core of what they see as their present life standing. There’s a book called “My Husband Betty” that may have been mentioned on this site elsewhere. It’s written by the wife of a CD about her experience with her husbands ever increasing female presentation. It might be worth a read.
My experience’s are just my own and I speak only for myself. But for me, if or when I get back into the relationship scene it will probably have to be with someone who’s first met me as Elaine. I will not waste my time, (or anyone else’s) again.
Thank goodness your experience has been different than mine dear. The old adage “Easy does it” might be useful to remember, and I wish you all the best.
Hi your wife could have had it worse! She could have caught her man cheating on her! Clothes do not have gender only gender assigned to them! Even bra’s, as some men need them for support. If a man is wearing panties and other clothes, he can’t approach a woman and hit on her! Fact is men wearing women’s panties and clothes are more confident and more decisive in life. Thankfully we are not the same. People who buck the standards is what reminds me that it is a free country and we are supposed to be free to wear what we want! My neighbors wife doesn’t shave and she rocks that look! As a crossdresser we have to be careful what we wear and where we go when we are wearing that! Today wearing panties are a normal and even menswear companies are starting to make mens underwear that looks and feels like women’s panties. Mens pants are getting tighter, softer and have stretch in them. Nobody complained when Jaden Smith, Will Smiths son came out wearing Female clothes even skirts! They applauded him for it! I have nothing but panties and I wear them everywhere. I hope your wife knows about all I have stated, and understands that if the world is ok with her wearing menswear then it should be ok for men to wear womenswear! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! Behest and truthful to your wife and your therapist and I hope she rids herself of old stereotypes that aren’t simply true! Good luck Brenda
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