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  • #397960
    Jessica Wilde
    Participant
    Registered On: October 5, 2020
    Topics: 27
    Replies: 110
    Has thanked: 143 times
    Been thanked: 800 times

    My fiancé is not accepting of me as I am. I came out to her Raceland it’s not something she can understand. I think she hates me for what I am. I can’t help who I am or can I help her to understand me . My heart is shattered because of my decision and I ruined our beautiful relationship by telling her. The weight of my decision to tell her is almost more than I can bear and she can’t wrap her mind around what I have told her. We are at a stalemate. I don’t know if our relationship will survive.

    This is the result of being honest.

    DO NOT TELL YOUR SO!!!!!

    it’s not worth the pain and suffering and possible loss of them!!

Viewing 9 reply threads
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    • #398346
      Patty Phose
      Participant
      Registered On: May 7, 2016
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 1405
      Has thanked: 998 times
      Been thanked: 3363 times

      I’ve met several CD’s who have had relationships end after having “the  talk” That is sad and unfortunate. Then I have met others whose spouse is trying to understand and talks with me and others like me. Then there is a few where it has added a new dimension to their relationship and the have fun with it. Granted, the latter two is not the norm and the last one rarer still.

      My wife met Patty a couple of weeks after we met. She showed up at my place and noticed women’s clothes lying about. I confessed they were mine and I wore them often. Even enjoyed going out in them just for fun and to parties at college. She didn’t seem to believe me and asked to show her.

      I went in the bedroom and out one one of my favorite and sexiest outfits. When I emerged she was stunned. She was amazed at how pretty and sexy I was and how different I looked. She was intrigued.  I dressed often when she came around and we developed a girlfriend’s relationship. Then she thought we should go out as girlfriends. She wanted to get some dresses and thought I might like getting some things too. I was scared to death getting out of the car and being around so many people. But after a while I got into the shopping and the excitement of getting some great and wonderful new things. It was a great experience.

      After that, before we went out I would ask her if I should go as Patty or my male self. She would tell me to do whatever I wanted. Most of the time I would choose Patty. We just seemed to have more fun when I was. And there usually was at least a brief shopping trip to get at least a few wonderful items of clothing. We became besties and are still that way today. I think getting Patty into the relationship early made all the difference in how we were going to move forward. If she didn’t like Patty, I may have become her less or maybe put Patty away. Maybe our relationship would have just been a short fling and Patty would have kept on. I think it was vital that we dealt with Patty early in the relationship.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398338
      Sally Drinkwater
      Participant
      Registered On: July 15, 2019
      Topics: 15
      Replies: 227
      Has thanked: 47 times
      Been thanked: 761 times

      Well done for being honest with her, it may hurt now but like all broken hearts they do have a habit of mending themselves.  When the next great love comes along don’t be afraid to tell her too, not all relationships end up like we hope for but somewhere down the line there could be a beautiful unexpected friendship.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #398217
      Cath N.
      Participant
      Registered On: June 18, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 44
      Has thanked: 0 times
      Been thanked: 109 times

      Unfortunately, the conclusion you came to is incorrect. It should have been “why didn’t I tell her sooner, before she was emotionally invested, before I was emotionally invested, before we had made a commitment to eachother, before I asked her to marry me?” Any GG here can you this, trying to explain to you the pain of finding out the person you invested years in has been only showing you one side of them is the same as you trying to explain why you are crossdressing.

      You are not on the receiving end of pain caused literally by the person you trusted most in the world. It makes you reassess everything about yourself, your partner and your relationship. The thought whirlwind is akin a tornado. There is no “I am the same person I was before I told her”. That person, she believed, had always been truthful with her. You are obviously not that person. Not telling earlier is the only reason she is feeling this pain, not because you told her what she had a right to know as soon as you started, and if it was before you even knew her, as soon as you were getting serious. The difference between then and now is that then would have given her an opportunity to choose if she wanted this in her life without much investment from either one of you (much less painful) and now she has to look at the time and emotional investment that will cloud her judgement. The point she arrives in might still be the same. But you would have saved her and maybe yourself from a lot of pain if you had been honest from the start.

      I have heard hundreds of the same excuses but, whether you get that or not, they will sound like excuses to her about why you didn’t tell her. Don’t make the same mistake and try to give her excuses. Give her reasons. And more so, give her reasons of why you love her. I can’t tell you how empty it sounds to a woman going through this the “I was afraid I would lose you if I told you” line.

      I know all of this sounds harsh but I had to consider others reading this and scaring themselves into not saying anything to their wives. Until one day they get caught out. Or they get to a certain age near retirement and decide they can’t keep this hidden any longer. And then the wives are truly trapped, if they are not interested in being married to a crossdresser. Any day that passes without saying is another day you have to account for not saying and taking the choice away from her. The only sound advice is “tell all and tell early, this isn’t going to go away”. For both your sakes.

      6 users thanked author for this post.
      • #398316
        Zoe North
        Participant
        Registered On: February 24, 2020
        Topics: 11
        Replies: 60
        Has thanked: 138 times
        Been thanked: 183 times

        Cath, I love that advice: “don’t give excuses why you didn’t tell her earlier, give her reasons to stay, now you have told her!”

         

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398175
      Rachel Cross
      Participant
      Registered On: October 13, 2020
      Topics: 19
      Replies: 155
      Has thanked: 919 times
      Been thanked: 803 times

      we all make mistakes. we usually dont realize it till its to late. what once seamed to be ok, but now it seams your world is falling apart. its better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. i was married for 25 years when i found out she cheated on me one day. i was very mad and yelled at her alot. she told me one time if i ever hit her she would leave. in all the yelling i slapped her in the head. its wasnt a hard slap and it was only one. i was sorry in did it but it wasnt good enough for her. i didnt want to break up and was willing to forgive her, but i guess that slap was a no turning back point for her. she said she wanted a divorce, but we could still be friends. we havent talked the first 5 years and only once in a while she text if she needs to tell me something. she has her own life now and i have mind. i think about her just about everyday. do know if she ever thinks about me. i hope so. we all make mistakes that we have to live with. i miss her and just hope shes happier now. thats all i want is for her to be happy. hope you have a better ending than i did. just try to work it out. its going to take time. dont rush it. you were her best friend, even if you break up you still want her in your life all the memories are worth more the the mistake. good luck.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #398041
      Bettylou Cox
      Participant
      Registered On: May 26, 2019
      Topics: 17
      Replies: 1494
      Has thanked: 2516 times
      Been thanked: 4617 times

      Jessica,  I’m so sorry your revelation had such a bad outcome, but you were not wrong to tell her.  Had you not done so, your future relationship would have been built on a foundation of deception and concealment…essentially, built on a lie.  Possibly, your lady will have second thoughts and decide to accept you as yo are; but if not, then please work to accept the truth that she was not the right one for you.

      Hugs,

      Bettylou

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398026
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      Ok Jessica, I’m going to be blunt here & you might not like it! As you yourself said in another post ‘Suck it up buttercup’!
      You have just dropped a nuclear bomb on your fiancé and you don’t like the fall out!

      She didn’t run into your arms and say “hey, it’s fine, I love you no matter what, despite the fact that you have been hiding this whole side of yourself for however many years. I completely understand why you deceived & lied to me, now let’s go play dress up!”

      I don’t think I hardly looked at my husband for 2 weeks when I found out! I was a total mess, my head was swimming with emotion, and questions and the only person I could talk to was the person I trusted most in the world but was also responsible for the world of pain I was in!

      I cried all day every day for 2 weeks, (when no one was around), I then cried myself to sleep every night for 2 months! It felt like my husband had told me he was having an affair and also had no intention of stopping!

      Fight for her if you love her! That doesn’t mean burying your cross dressing back in the closet, that door is open now! It means doing everything you can to reassure her you love her, you want to be with her and you are willing to do what it takes to make it work (even if that doesn’t mean giving up dressing) even if it takes weeks, months or years! Don’t just give up because she hasn’t figured this all out in a week!

      I am sure my husband would like things to be different but I love him so much for giving me all the time I need to figure this out. I found out by complete accident, he had no intention of telling me & I sometimes think it would feel a little bit better if he had trusted me enough to tell me.

      Forget about the dressing for a bit and just focus on her mental health. If you are apart during the day when you are both at work, send her a text telling her you are thinking of her & you love her! If she is struggling mentally she will probably be feeling shattered, take on a bit more at home, cooking, cleaning etc so she can rest, no one can think straight when they are tired.

      If you are struggling to talk to each other then write a letter or put your feelings into a text or email.
      If she is looking on the internet for advice, she will find nothing positive 😔 point her towards the Wives/SO group on here. She will then see the positive as well as the negative and she will feel less alone.

      Although my husband said right at the start that he didn’t want us to break up for the first few weeks I genuinely thought my relationship was over and there wasn’t a chance to save it but 8 months later we are still together, we are talking, and there is less crying

      Sorry to sound so blunt but this is how it feels on the other side. Keep fighting and good luck x

       

       

      I do send her texts throughout the day and always have and she has always sent them to me. She won’t hardly answer my texts now and doesn’t send any first.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #398035
        Zoe North
        Participant
        Registered On: February 24, 2020
        Topics: 11
        Replies: 60
        Has thanked: 138 times
        Been thanked: 183 times

        Because she is hurt, she is angry, she is confused, she is trying to process what this means, how she didn’t know, how you could deceive her for so long? Don’t stop trying to get through to her, don’t stop telling her you love her.

        She needs time to figure this out. I imagine it has taken you years to figure out your feelings & your understanding of what you are & what cross dressing means to you, you didn’t work this all out in your own head in a week. And at the same time as trying to figure out how you felt about your need to dress as a woman you weren’t also trying to understand how the person you love & trust most in the world, the person you believed you knew everything about, who you shared all your secrets with, was in fact hiding a whole secret life from you, had a whole side to them that you knew nothing about.

         

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398000
      Celeste Starre
      Participant
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 26
      Replies: 606
      Has thanked: 152 times
      Been thanked: 1658 times

      I’m sorry you went through that and you won’t like this but your conclusion is wrong. You can’t see it now but you will once the grief subsides.  You found this out BEFORE you married her. It would have been a lot worse when she found out after.  Find a partner that likes all of you.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #397995
      Zoe North
      Participant
      Registered On: February 24, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 60
      Has thanked: 138 times
      Been thanked: 183 times

      Ok Jessica, I’m going to be blunt here & you might not like it! As you yourself said in another post ‘Suck it up buttercup’!
      You have just dropped a nuclear bomb on your fiancé and you don’t like the fall out!

      She didn’t run into your arms and say “hey, it’s fine, I love you no matter what, despite the fact that you have been hiding this whole side of yourself for however many years. I completely understand why you deceived & lied to me, now let’s go play dress up!”

      I don’t think I hardly looked at my husband for 2 weeks when I found out! I was a total mess, my head was swimming with emotion, and questions and the only person I could talk to was the person I trusted most in the world but was also responsible for the world of pain I was in!

      I cried all day every day for 2 weeks, (when no one was around), I then cried myself to sleep every night for 2 months! It felt like my husband had told me he was having an affair and also had no intention of stopping!

      Fight for her if you love her! That doesn’t mean burying your cross dressing back in the closet, that door is open now! It means doing everything you can to reassure her you love her, you want to be with her and you are willing to do what it takes to make it work (even if that doesn’t mean giving up dressing) even if it takes weeks, months or years! Don’t just give up because she hasn’t figured this all out in a week!

      I am sure my husband would like things to be different but I love him so much for giving me all the time I need to figure this out. I found out by complete accident, he had no intention of telling me & I sometimes think it would feel a little bit better if he had trusted me enough to tell me.

      Forget about the dressing for a bit and just focus on her mental health. If you are apart during the day when you are both at work, send her a text telling her you are thinking of her & you love her! If she is struggling mentally she will probably be feeling shattered, take on a bit more at home, cooking, cleaning etc so she can rest, no one can think straight when they are tired.

      If you are struggling to talk to each other then write a letter or put your feelings into a text or email.
      If she is looking on the internet for advice, she will find nothing positive 😔 point her towards the Wives/SO group on here. She will then see the positive as well as the negative and she will feel less alone.

      Although my husband said right at the start that he didn’t want us to break up for the first few weeks I genuinely thought my relationship was over and there wasn’t a chance to save it but 8 months later we are still together, we are talking, and there is less crying

      Sorry to sound so blunt but this is how it feels on the other side. Keep fighting and good luck x

       

       

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #397979
      Regine Rich
      Participant
      Registered On: October 9, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 182
      Has thanked: 1825 times
      Been thanked: 656 times

      So so sorry,Jessica. Reach out if you wish,
      Hugs, Regine

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #397974
      Lee Ann Rakers
      Participant
      Registered On: August 18, 2019
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 458
      Has thanked: 715 times
      Been thanked: 1404 times

      So very sorry, Jessica.

      Lee Ann

      PS – please feel free to reach out to me via a PM.

       

       

      1 user thanked author for this post.
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