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Hi all,
I am lucky to have one of the most understanding and supportive wives but lately my feminine side has been really hard on her.
It started earlier this year when we started seeing a therapist and I with therapy and my wife’s support I’ve reached a whole new level of acceptance on who I am. I’ve wanted to be a woman since I was a child but because of societal, family and religious pressures I’ve always kept it hidden.
My first marriage ultimately ended because of it as I came out to my ex-wife about 12 years in and she just couldn’t handle it.
I made sure my current spouse new very early on as I didn’t want to make the same mistake again. We are going on five years together and she has been great. Helps me dress, helps with makeup, reverse role plays etc.
However, with my new level of acceptance has come a stronger desire to dress more, go out in public, meet other crossdressers etc. I’m even ready to start coming out to a small group of very close friends. All of this new escalation scares my SO big time and yesterday she was ready to give up. We talked it out and will be discussing with our therapist this week but man it’s put a head trip on me and I feel some of the shame coming back.
It can be so hard to want things and you can’t because you don’t want to hurt other people even though it has to do with you and your body and not theirs. I mean I totally understand her side of things as it has to be hard to marry someone for who they are and them wanting to be a different person. But this can be so freaking hard.
I’m not sure where we are going at this point but I love her to death and she is my best friend and I don’t want to lose her.
Sometimes I think I don’t deserve to be in a relationship as my feminine side has wrecked several already. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I’d love to hear from folks who have figured it out and have a good relationship with their SO.
Thank you so much!
Pam
Hi Pam , my wife is my rock & incredibly supportive , she’s totally comfortable with my fluidity , struggles a bit more with my full crossdressing – doesn’t want to see me fully madeover , which I completely understand & am fine with.
I guess our main trouble comes if I’m really in a femme mood & she’s not in her usual mindset – perhaps tired or poor day at work. We also understand that there’s always going to be good days & not so good days . I guess it’s a matter then of us being as aware as possible of the others headspace. We use humour to descalate that moment , rather than me asking her to l”oosen up” or me being asked to” tone it down”. Not sure if this helps you but it’s something we’ve learnt for us ☺ Tiff
Hi Tiff,
Thanks for the reply. It’s great that you and your partner have a good balance. I feel like we have too but yeah there are better days and worse days with her. And you gave me a smile about the “femme mood”. I totally feel you on that. I go through periods where I am in the femme mode way stronger than normal and if the wife is not in the mood that day it can be problematic. On the good days she totally is okay with it and plays along. We’ve gone shopping a couple times with me en femme and tried on clothes together, had coffee and a meal and it was awesome. She even did my makeup.
She is in a better mood today and we see out therapist this afternoon so I am hopeful we can work through this.
Thanks again!
Pam
Hi Pam , that’s wonderful , fingers crossed the day stays that way & therapy session is hugely beneficial xx
Hi Pam , How’d the therapist session go ? xxTiff
Therapy actually went well. Wasn’t what we expected given the current mood at that time but our therapist worked through aot of stuff with us. My wife has settled down and is in good spirits again. I agreed to slow my role as she said I’ve been moving way too fast for her lately.
Thank you so much for the concern! It really means a lot 😉
Pam
Wonderful news ☺️☺️. We’ve faced the same , I’ve scared my wife with it all but now , like you both , we resolved it.
Most pace is determined by my wife & I usually get a pleasant unexpected surprises from her . It’s a great feeling to be able to build something together . ☺️☺️ Tiff
Pam,
good for you to tell your current wife up feint, to often many of us will not share that before they get married, which I think is not fair. I don’t think you are much different than many of us now that you haev the freedom to dress up, it is natural to want to try more.
Questions to ask, what is the benefit to share your dressing with others at all? is it so you can go out dressed? I think you wife is fearful for both of you as to the comments and remarks you both will hear regarding your dressing. Many will not ever understand our need/desire to dress up. I can see and understand her fears that she may loose you, or you that you will want to explore being bi.
Our dressing has to have balance, regardless of of partners knowing it, they still want their man at times regardless of accepting our female side. There needs to be balance. Think about how you woudl feel is your wife wanted to dress as a man all the time or go out dressed as a man…
Decide what is really important to you and have lots of conversation with her so you both will be happy
I’ll tell you what my mom told me that the key to marriage is – communication.
Have a conversation with her and discuss what she’s comfortable with and what she is not comfortable with. Find out what the boundaries are, and learn to live within those boundaries. Make compromises…if she lets you do one thing, what’s something she wants to do? Moderation is the key to any new infatuation. One thing that has helped me is what I sleep in. It helps fill that need, that desire to dress up but it’s not in her face. I wear a sports bra under my normal sleep clothes which lets me feel girly without being girly….
Hope this helps 🙂
-Nat
All marriages go through changes even if CD isnt an issue. I have replied before mine was a major change when I retired from military and I was gone many years. We go from wife running family to both of us!
Then major hormone changes for me and not intended..wham! A change for one is a change for other! Now my fem side starts but she is fine. My next and present job + military caused major PTSD and I was close to my tour of duty is over hence she endorses me dressing and becoming more feminine! As I see myself as a very high percentage woman vs male! She seems fine but remember in all relationships there are 2! Communication..communication!
We role play a lot and lately it’s been another male and female involvement in our fantasies! We have always been honest and open as we have made it this far. I don’t want a relationship or partner outside my marriage. It’s not me..the hormones/ genetics wrecked a few male parts to an extent is it fair to not allow my wife to enjoy that which I don’t do well at giving her! She says no; we are fine as 2 chics ..
Cutting out the extra wording
Communication from beginning of a relationship to the present and it has to be open! If your wife expects and loves you as you are let it be that. Going further without her knowing day 1 is change! She feels left out! Change is hard for everyone; good or bad!
Hi Sa-man-tha,
Thanks for the reply! You actually hit the nail on the head. My SO is worried about loosing me. Either breaking up because She thinks I will no longer want her or losing the man she knows and fell in love with as I transition into Pam.
Admittedly, I have been moving too fast lately and that scares her as well. She can’t handle the rapid changes. So I’ve agreed to slow it down a bit.Thanks again!
Pam
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I really think that if you promise for better or worse, then you should darn well be prepared for worse.</p>
Who knows what curve balls life will throw.A husband in panties is better than a husband with blood on his hands.
People change over time.
You’re either going to support them through their changes or you’re not.
And if you’re not, think about what you promise before you break hearts.
Love Laura.
Laura, you have echoed my feelings, exactly…and reminded me of a conversation with my elder daughter several years ago. She suspected her husband of cheating (I don’t think he was), but we had a long conversation, touching on my early married life. It ended with her very wise observation that the only people who stay married are those who make up their minds beforehand that they will do so. (They did, and are going strong after 27 years).
Hi Pam,
Thank you for posting your story. My story is different and I hope I don’t offend anyone. I have come to the realization that my wife will never accept my femme side. I am married 48 yrs and my found out about my femme side after 10 yrs of marriage. Without going into detail of our marriage, I know my wife. My keyword in my life is balance. I get out about 2x a month. I go to the Keystone conference and First Event. I have my hair done and go out shopping. Have gone to plays and other events. My wife is petrified of our 5 children and 6 grandchildren finding out about my femme side. I know Terri will never go away. I dont want to lose my wife and family. If my children find out I will tell them I will always be their father. If my situation was different I would live as a woman. But that isn’t going to happen. You are blessed to have a wife that accepts your femme side.
Yours Terri
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