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Hello everyone, I’m Ellie. Name might though change, as I’m not sure I’m happy with it.
I’ve been cross dressing since I was about 12. I’ve known I like dressing up since I was about 4. I remember, I had a dream where I was dressed up like a princess. Since then I’ve had fantasies of being a woman – having pretty makeup on, having long flowing hair, and wearing girly clothes.
The first time I cross dressed I only wore panties, and maybe some lipstick too (I don’t remember). It was in private. I’d sneak into my bathroom in the middle of the night and try them on.
I really wanted a fancy dress though. Something I especially wanted to do, and still want to do, is dress up like a Disney Princess. I love their big formal gowns – my favorite is Belle’s. Then one day, when I was 14 I found one of my sisters old Disney Princess dresses. I was WAY too big to wear it, but it was the only one I could find. I hadn’t told anyone yet about my crossdressing, so I didn’t ask if they could buy me a dress.
Even though it didn’t fit properly, the dress felt amazing. I’d sit in the dress in the bathroom every night. I loved the feel of the fabric against my skin. When I wore a dress, I was on a high. It was like everything was right in the world. It was an exhilarating experience.
I never completed the look though. I still looked like a boy. I wanted some makeup and a wig.
I stopped crossdressing for a while, then got back into it when I was about 16. I think I took a break because I found it too stressful. I hated having to sneak around at night, and pray no one caught me carrying a dress around.
At this time, I started dressing up in some of my older sisters clothes. Again, it was amazing.
I started to feel a little guilty about wearing her clothes without her permission though. I just started to feel bad. So I stopped for another year or two, as I was too nervous to go out and buy something. I still dreamed about being a big, formal, puffy, sparkly dress though.
Around when I was 17, I started to actually question why I wanted to be in a dress. I started to realize this couldn’t be something many men experience. I then, for the first time, actually researched what it was.
I know it sounds weird, but I never put it together that I was a transvestite. I just dressed up, and didn’t really question it.
Before, I’d do anything for the LGTBQ+ community to help them get the rights they deserved. But I always saw it as their battle, their fight. I never saw myself as being a member of that group. Then one day I was like, “well, I guess I am apart of the LGTBQ+ community.”
Then about a year later, in quarantine, I finally opened up a bank account and had my own debit card. This meant I could buy dresses, makeup, etc without anyone knowing.
The first I purchased was a cheap Cinderella-like dress. I’ll never forget the first time I wore it. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Then I ordered my first wig – a brunette wig, like I always wanted. I put it on, put on the dress, put on some lipstick and false eyelashes, and I was finally a woman. The look was complete.
Then, came the shame.
I’d think “I’m weird because I like being in pretty dresses” or “I’m ashamed of myself.”
It’s got better over the past few months, but I still have days where I feel terrible. That’s why I’m here – by meeting others who like crossdressing as much as I do, I’m hoping to feel better about myself.
I think it’s going to take a long time before I’m 100% comfortable with myself. I know there’s nothing wrong with crossdressing, but I still feel ashamed.
I have come out to one of my friends, but they’re the only person I’ve come out to.
Anyways, thank you so much for reading my story. This website has already helped me a little. It’s good to hear that so many people like crossdressing as much as me. When I created an account last night and saw that my default profile pic was a girl, I started to tear up. I like being identified as a girl. I’m curious to see how I react when people call me Ellie. I’m still not sure about the name though – I keep think maybe Belle would be better.
Feel free to ask any questions below. Also, if you have anything in common with me (i.e. you like dressing up like a princess too) let me know! Thanks again for reading.
Well Ellie, I’m thrilled you’ve had so much experience in such a short time period, many girls spend an entire lifetime to get where you are, and that is fantastic’
Thank you for sharing your story, I really do hope CDH and the great ladies here continue to support and encourage you on this great adventure!
Welcome to CDH, Ellie. I hope you find it to be a place that gives you peace and solace, and the ability to recognize all that you desire can come true. You are not alone, Ellie. We sisters are all here for the same reason, lots of kindred souls here, searching for the same thing. Self love, appreciation for all that women go through in their everyday lives, companionship. even if only across the internet. Life is too short to deny yourself simple pleasures. Peace be with you in your journey. Hugs, Kathy
Hi Ellie, welcome to CDH. There is no need to feel shame here or anywhere else, you are merely expressing your feminine side. You sound fairly young and as Rei says you’ve come a long way already and you’ve done it in a very intelligent way, researching to figure out what’s going on. I’ve been TS most of my life so if you have any questions please fire away. As I always say, go ahead you can’t shock me. There are lots of great people here to answer your questions so don’t be shy. I look forward to talking to you more and would like to see your posts in the forums to put a new spin on things for us old broads. lol
Take care, Heather.
Thanks Heather for offering to answer questions! I’ll have to take you up on that offer one day, because this can get really confusing lol.
When you put like that – just getting in touch with my feminine side – it makes me feel a lot better. If someone crosses genders just a bit, it’s treated as a huge deal in this society, which is rubbish, seen as you might miss out something great if you only like masculine or feminine stuff.
While I do like lots of girly stuff (dresses, wigs), I do consider myself very manly in other places. I think it’s better to try and get the best of both worlds.
I don’t know how old you are but your very wise. I’ve said on here a few times that being a crossdresser gives you a more rounded view of things, we can see the world through the eyes of a woman and a man and also draw on the strengths of both sides of the coin.Like I said if you have any questions or just want to chat, PM me, I’d love to talk.
Hi Ellie
I myself along with most of the others here have experienced the exact same feelings as you have. Don’t be afraid or ashamed this is a friendly and supportive place. We all look forward to getting to know you better. Please feel welcome. You will find some pretty good advice,some good (usually) humor,and caring hearts.
It’s comforting to hear I’m not the only one who has felt like this. But at the same time, I feel bad that lots have felt this sense of shame in our lives.
sweetie I loved reading your story. it seem that most if not all of us has had some sort od a guilty feeling at some time in our dressing feminine life so please do not feel alone sweetie. so where in cal. are you located? kisses tracy palm springs
kisses sweetie 💋💋💋💋
Thank you for sharing Ellie – And I like the name.
I was one that questioned the whys and wherefores of dressing when I was younger. I also felt the shame too.
It’s quite natural to have these feelings as it is something that goes against what is considered normal by others.
You seem to have embraced yourself as who you are and are running with it. To have confided in someone else is a very brave move but one you found is necessary and. I hope, works out for you.
I am sure that you have now found peace and know that we are here to help and support you.
Enjoy the journey.
Thank you! I am slowly starting to embrace who I am. I still don’t know much about who I am though, which is a bit of a problem lol. Just don’t know who I am, in terms of my gender identity.
I do wonder where our love for crossdressing came from. Maybe it has something to do with genetics.
Hi Ellie or Belle, Teralynn here. Welcome to our wonderful online community Luv. Personally I like Belle but it is your life and whatever name pleases you will be perfectly fine with your CDH sisters. We are an accepting, supportive and friendly group who will accept you as you are. I look at crossdressing from a psychological perspective because when I found out about Teralynn I wanted to know all the whys and hows I could and did a lot of research on the subject. There are many legitimate reasons why a person might get the urge to crossdress and none of them make you a weird, crazy or evil person. You are not the first or the last person to feel guilty or ashamed of your crossdressing. However, tell me truly who you have hurt by crossdressing. Maybe you could say yourself but even think about that rationally. Most of us enjoy the feeling of crossdressing. Whether we feel we have a feminine persona we want to present to the world or just like the feeling of feminine attire on our bodies, anything that makes us joyful is not a bad thing. If I can ever be of service please feel free to contact me through this site and let me know how I can help. A post on my home profile page wall or a private message will get the fastest response. Try sincerely to lose the feelings of guilt and shame and soon youwill be livang the life you really want to live. – Blessings from Teralynn
Thanks for the offer!
I suppose it doesn’t hurt anybody. There is nothing objectively wrong about dressing up like the other gender.
I found it interesting that you referred to Teralynn like they were a different person. I’ve heard people switch personalities when they crossdress. Personally, I haven’t found myself acting different when I’m in a dress, but I guess if I went out in public and talked to others dressed up like a girl, I might act different.
Just like there are all kinds of reasons for why people crossdress, their individual stories can also be extremely diverse. There are quite a few who are like me and accommodate both a male and female persona in their current physical life. Go to my profile and read up on how I learned about Teralynn. Before that I was perfectly happy as John and had no curiosity or urge to present myself as a female. Now I cannot imagine Teralynn as not being a part of my life. Everyone’s crossdressing journey is unique to them. There may be similar circumstances but there are always differences. Some glaring and others minimal. If I can be further service you know what to do. – Blessings from Teralynn
Hi, hello, and welcome to Crossdresser Heaven! You have just arrived at the best and greatest CD site on the web! CDH has tons of very helpful crossdressing information, tips, and support from real people just like you! We highly encourage new CDH members to ask questions no matter how trivial you think they may be, as we are happy to answer to the best of our ability. We also love a well written profile, this helps everyone to get to know you better as the beautiful woman you are! We hope that you enjoy your stay here at CDH, as we are happy to have you as a part of our wonderful community.
Thank you, Samantha Roarke
Ellie I enjoyed reading your intro… welcome, this is certainly a special place full of beautiful ladies all enjoying this wonderful world . Learn from, share experiences with and most of all make lasting friendships. Browse our site and ask any questions that you may want to know. Girls here love to chat and make one feel very comfortable in themselves to enjoy moving with a dream looking forward. Happy to have you here and now enjoy all that we are.
Stephanie 🌹
Hello Ellie! Welcome to the site! I’m also new around here, but from what I have seen so far, there’s a wealth of information and no shortage of friendly people willing to answer questions. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope to see you around!
First, let me say welcome sister. Second, my journey was much the same way as yours, only I would wear my mom’s bras, panties, and swimsuits. I would sleep in them as well. Only recently did I take the next step and purchase panty hose, panties, a slip, and a dress. Only thing I need now is a bra.
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It is downtown Palm Springs walk for fame sweetie. kisses tracy💋💋💋💄💄💄
Hi Ellie!
So glad to read your story. Much like you and probally many of the ladies here, i LOVE gowns. Dont really get to enjoy wearing them often but when i see a bueatiful gown it certainly takes my breath away! (Even more so when wearing) 👗👠
Thanks soooo much for sharing!
Laura
Laura, I feel like we’re soul sisters! Gowns, in my opinion, are simply gorgeous. I’d wear one all day every day if I could.
Ellie my sweet darling you are such a lucky girl to be living in a far more accepting time than I grew up in. As we get further along in life as I have, we build up an unfortunate list of regrets, hopefully it’s not a very long list. One of mine is that I didn’t accept my dressing and trans side earlier, much earlier, what an infinitely richer life I could have had if only. I’m hoping you will read this and decide that will not be your fate, because it is in fact up to you. Another fact is that your desire to dress will never ever go away, it will only get stronger as the years roll by, and believe me my dear they go by much quicker than you can ever imagine when you’re young. Accept yourself, and when you’re ready find an accepting partner to share yourself with because its so much better than doing it alone. Carpe diem my Ellie, carpe diem.
With love, respect, and acceptance, Cindy.
PS Thank you for taking the time to write your detailed story, I felt like I was there.
The experience of crossdressing opens up the world to new views of life that is rewarding and thrilling for us. The two great flaws of men is the pursuit of sex and money. Think of the number of men out there having affairs and children while married with family and breaking hearts. Just look at politicians and celebrities lives that go in turmoil. Of all the erotic pleasure people pursue I think crossdressing is the least harmful. In the scheme of things its no different than masturbation as being harmful and no different. Only caveat is knowing how your spouse will handle it and you need to judge that. I think the only concern is children at a developing age to be careful with. There is no harm to society . The only harm comes from yourself for feeling guilty and that is nonsense.
Thank you!
Still considering a few different names. I just wanted to create a name for this website. I started thinking about some of my favorite female characters. Ellie is from The Last of Us. I also considered Ellen Ripley lol. Or Stevie, like Stevie Nicks.
None of them have felt right yet though, so I’m still searching.
Thanks again!
Love the way you Genevieve phrased it! “Embrace Yourself”, I did and it feels so good to be me Ellie. Welcome!
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