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Hello everyone, I’m Ellie. Name might though change, as I’m not sure I’m happy with it.
I’ve been cross dressing since I was about 12. I’ve known I like dressing up since I was about 4. I remember, I had a dream where I was dressed up like a princess. Since then I’ve had fantasies of being a woman – having pretty makeup on, having long flowing hair, and wearing girly clothes.
The first time I cross dressed I only wore panties, and maybe some lipstick too (I don’t remember). It was in private. I’d sneak into my bathroom in the middle of the night and try them on.
I really wanted a fancy dress though. Something I especially wanted to do, and still want to do, is dress up like a Disney Princess. I love their big formal gowns – my favorite is Belle’s. Then one day, when I was 14 I found one of my sisters old Disney Princess dresses. I was WAY too big to wear it, but it was the only one I could find. I hadn’t told anyone yet about my crossdressing, so I didn’t ask if they could buy me a dress.
Even though it didn’t fit properly, the dress felt amazing. I’d sit in the dress in the bathroom every night. I loved the feel of the fabric against my skin. When I wore a dress, I was on a high. It was like everything was right in the world. It was an exhilarating experience.
I never completed the look though. I still looked like a boy. I wanted some makeup and a wig.
I stopped crossdressing for a while, then got back into it when I was about 16. I think I took a break because I found it too stressful. I hated having to sneak around at night, and pray no one caught me carrying a dress around.
At this time, I started dressing up in some of my older sisters clothes. Again, it was amazing.
I started to feel a little guilty about wearing her clothes without her permission though. I just started to feel bad. So I stopped for another year or two, as I was too nervous to go out and buy something. I still dreamed about being a big, formal, puffy, sparkly dress though.
Around when I was 17, I started to actually question why I wanted to be in a dress. I started to realize this couldn’t be something many men experience. I then, for the first time, actually researched what it was.
I know it sounds weird, but I never put it together that I was a transvestite. I just dressed up, and didn’t really question it.
Before, I’d do anything for the LGTBQ+ community to help them get the rights they deserved. But I always saw it as their battle, their fight. I never saw myself as being a member of that group. Then one day I was like, “well, I guess I am apart of the LGTBQ+ community.”
Then about a year later, in quarantine, I finally opened up a bank account and had my own debit card. This meant I could buy dresses, makeup, etc without anyone knowing.
The first I purchased was a cheap Cinderella-like dress. I’ll never forget the first time I wore it. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Then I ordered my first wig – a brunette wig, like I always wanted. I put it on, put on the dress, put on some lipstick and false eyelashes, and I was finally a woman. The look was complete.
Then, came the shame.
I’d think “I’m weird because I like being in pretty dresses” or “I’m ashamed of myself.”
It’s got better over the past few months, but I still have days where I feel terrible. That’s why I’m here – by meeting others who like crossdressing as much as I do, I’m hoping to feel better about myself.
I think it’s going to take a long time before I’m 100% comfortable with myself. I know there’s nothing wrong with crossdressing, but I still feel ashamed.
I have come out to one of my friends, but they’re the only person I’ve come out to.
Anyways, thank you so much for reading my story. This website has already helped me a little. It’s good to hear that so many people like crossdressing as much as me. When I created an account last night and saw that my default profile pic was a girl, I started to tear up. I like being identified as a girl. I’m curious to see how I react when people call me Ellie. I’m still not sure about the name though – I keep think maybe Belle would be better.
Feel free to ask any questions below. Also, if you have anything in common with me (i.e. you like dressing up like a princess too) let me know! Thanks again for reading.
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