• This topic has 10 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Anonymous.
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    • #66985
      Camille H
      Lady

      Hello, ladies.  I have been trolling this site for a week or so to see what the general atmosphere was before I got up the courage to post here.

      I started crossdressing with my niece when I was 6 1/2 years old and she was 4 1/2.  I had a half sister who was 25 years my elder.  Up until 2 weeks ago, I had no idea why I felt so safe in women’s clothing and makeup when my stress level skyrocketed.    Two months ago, my oldest daughter (age 20 – of 3 girls) checked into rehab for heroin addiction.  2 weeks ago, she let us know that one of our relatives had sexually molested her when she was 5.  At that point, i was in a car with a baseball bat with every intention of beating this person to death.  But another strange thing happened.  I began to have a flood of memories resurface of my half sister sexually molesting me from age 6 until 14. I had learned early on that when my niece and I did the dressing up, it caused an adverse reaction in my half sister which would make her leave me alone for that time.  My parents trusted her to watch me a lot, so the abuse was very frequent.  Let’s just say that I am lucky to have not killed myself (multiple attempts).   I was tortured with cigarettes and curling irons (yes, it was as bad as you can imagine) to name a few things.

      Needless to say, I have had anger and rage issues on one side of my psyche and the feminine crossdresser side which I have repressed for most of my life.  My wife has known about the crossdresser side of me before we were married and has been somewhat accepting, but I have necmver really done it much.  The raging side of me has been verbally abusive to my wife and children, but I cannot remember what I say or do when it happens.

      With the revelations which have shattered what I thought was a great childhood, I have concluded that I need to accept my feminine side and give into it once in a while for my own piece of mind.  I advised my wife that I had ordered clothes and makeup and such. This is not the first time that I have done this, but it is the first time that I have chosen to embrace this part of me.  I feel like repressing it has not helped me to this point.   I am a big guy and look absolutely ridiculous in women’s clothing,  but it fulfills an inner need and calms the raging part of me.   I am heterosexual and have no desire to transition or try to look like a woman and go out in public (again – I look ridiculous)

      I am in counseling and hope to be able to open up to my counselor about this part of myself soon so that I can start to heal.

      My main purpose for posting here is to see if anyone else had experienced such things and could give me any advice.  I will take any advice you ladies have to help me get through all of this.  Besides my wife, no one else knows all of this at this point.

      i had to choose a woman’s name which is something I have never considered before, so here it is.

      Aurra

       

    • #67029

      Dear Aurra.  I want to welcome you to CDH. I am so sorry about your early years of misfortune. I had a rather normal childhood and upbringing. which was shattered when I was 18 and went to Vietnam with the US 1st Cavalry Airmobile as a medic. I was there to save lives but ended up killing. Child molesters are one group I would gladly kill and have. The enemy would rape children and women as a lesson to others. When we came upon this scene, if I was not need for medical assistance for our own, I would go after the enemy…..the child rapists or torturers died very hard by my hand. I have spent my life studying Psychology and medicine although not a doctor as such.

      Your life is very upsetting to me and I would like to help you in anyway I can. Please let me know if that is ok…or we can just chat.  Do take care of yourself sweetie.

      Lady Veronica

    • #67035
      Camille H
      Lady

      Thank you, Lady Veronica for your kind words.  I am new to this and not really that chatty Kathy type, but that may change.  It’s no coincidence that my therapist said that I was suffering from PTSD similar to a Vietnam vet, which would of course mean you.    I appreciate being able to read the various stories.  Helps me connect to my life which is currently torn asunder.

    • #67112
      Anonymous

      Aurra,

      You’ve shown tremendous courage opening up about your past and I applaud you for it.  I can’t relate to your experiences with abuse, but I do understand it and I do sympathize.  Since you’ve sought out therapy for your abuse issues, you must recognize that help with such issues is the way to go.

      Crossdressing is most likely, a separate issue for you, and as part of the family here on this site you have tremendous support while exploring the wonders and the joy of being a crossdresser.  You said that you aren’t a chatty Kathy, but you should keep posting here and reading here, as it I’m certain it will help you fulfill and understand your feminine side.

      Hugs,

      Sally

    • #67629

      Aurra, I love you’re chosen name. You’re last name “Sing” intrigues me. It makes me wonder if there’s a part inside of you that, if given the opportunity, would calm the worlds fears and uglyness with your voice. Or perhaps a part of you begging to come out and be heard. A part filled with beauty, love, and compassion…..Or I could just be reading into it….lol

      You and I share similar stories. In truth, I became a member only after reading your story last night. This is my first post.

      I was fortunate that the abuses that suffered by myself and my siblings happened long before I was old enough to form permanant memories. Everything I know of our abuses came from police reports and family stories that were not told to me until my early adulthood. Sadly, my mother was our abuser.

      I’m not actually trying to make this about “me, me, mee”, but rather, I see many similarities in our lives both past and present. I firmly believe that our “tendencies” are a direct result of the abuses we suffered as children. A time when we DESPERATELY needed the open nurturing embrace as well as the safety and consolation of our mothers bosom. An embrace which, for me, never came. In my deepest and truest of hearts believe that the soft comfortable bra and panties I’m wearing now are my minds way of getting that embrace I so desperately needed over 45 years ago.

      My only bits of advice would be these: Remain vigilantly honest and trusting with your wife. Allow her to be a part of your every decision regarding your dressing. Try to have open, honest, two-sided discussions explaining your fears, your feelings, your loves, and your failures. In other words….completely let your guard down with her. I believe that, from the little you’ve explained, she’ll not only support you but also visciously defend you when you need it most.

      My second bit of advice is to continue you’re therapy. The more we understand ourselves, the stronger and more level headed we’ll be when crisis next strikes, right?

      Hugs and handshakes my friend,

      Eryca

       

    • #67855
      Camille H
      Lady

      Erica-

      Although my three daughters have gorgeous singing voices, the source of the name has a nerdy otherworldly source – huge Star Wars fan, so I chose my favorite female character. She’s a strong bounty hunter character, and this is how I see my feminine  side. Can you see the fight between the masculine and feminine in my choice?

      I appreciate your story and totally get where you are at too.  I am very open and honest with my wife about this now.  I decided that I needed to bring her into my other side and into my pain so she can help me through it.  She has even agreed to help me learn to properly apply makeup although in our hectic house, no telling when that will be.

      i find solace in women’s clothes.  Makes me feel safe.

      Aurra

      • #215206

        Hello Aurra; Your story is heart-wrenching. Thank heavens you survived your ordeal and are getting help. As a Star Wars fan myself, I understand your connection with Aurra Sing. If I remember her story, she to had an abusive childhood. Even though she’s considered a villain, she grew up to be a fierce fighter, could defend herself against almost anyone, and lived life on her on terms. It’s good that you found some inspiration in your life. It’s also wonderful to hear that your wife is supporting you. I understand you using crossdressing as self therapy; in 2016 I did the same thing. I hope your life has gotten better for you.

    • #67856
      Camille H
      Lady

      And sorry for autocorrect changing your name Eryca.   Didn’t catch it

    • #67870
      Anonymous

      I am saddened to read this, and know that these things were done to you. No one should ever have to endure such atrocities. I,  myself have never been abused in that way. However, I have a wonderful daughter, that was. This could be long, and I apologize, but I’ll start at the beginning. Back about 1985, I was 16,and my girlfriend was 20. We fooled around, and she became pregnant. About the same time my grandmother passed away, and I had to attend the funeral, about 400 miles away. While I was away, she moved to a different state. I eventually got in touch with her, she told me that she wanted to protect me, because of my young age. She asked me to promise to stay out of my daughter’s life. Being 16, and not very smart, I agreed. Fast forward about 11 years. She moved back to the town I was living in. I finally got to meet my little girl. About the same time, I found out that the man who raised my daughter had sexually molested her, from age 5 to 10. He was actually in prison. It took a lot of time to gain my daughter’s trust, understandably so. I told my daughter’s mother that if I ever saw the man, that hurt my daughter, I would be the last person that he would ever see. I still feel that way even today. Things are better for my daughter now. She is 31 years old, and married, with 4 girls of her own. I am a very proud grandparent to those 4 little girls, and 10 other grandchildren.

    • #67876
      Camille H
      Lady

      As a parent, it makes you feel helpless when it happens to your child.  As a victim, again helpless.  Sorry to hear of your daughter but glad she is doing well and congrats on grandparent status.

      Part of me will always want to kill the man who molested my daughter, but I know that he has cancer and is suffering severely, so I hope he lives in pain for a very long time.  Karma is a bitch my friends.  My half sister died a horrible cancer death too.  Maybe that’s is how God treats molesters.  I like to think so anyway.

      Aurra

    • #215217
      Anonymous

      Hi Aurra and welcome.

      This is exactly the right place to help you, although professional counselling should never be sniffed at.

      It deeply, deeply saddens me to read your story, and I am not being flippant when I say I detect a note of hope and determination in the voice that springs from the page.

      You are actively doing something to deal with the stress, which is absolutely right.

      I started dressing in earnest to deal with my own stress and depression, which are small beans in comparison.

      Let’s just say that, after 9 months of full-on going for the cross dressing lifestyle (like you, I’m heterosexual), I’m way more happily married than I was 9 months ago when we were discussing divorce. That is firmly off the table now, and the future looks brighter – that’s how well it’s working.

      And I sincerely hope that it works for you too – you have the right attitude. Go for gold, girl!

      Love Laura

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