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I’ve finally had some time to sit down and write a proper story!
This is all new to me so i hope i don’t offend anyone with pronouns or my initial reactions or anything. This is just my story .
My name is Clo and when I first found out my husband liked to crossdress I didn’t know where to look for help or advice or someone to cry to, and looking online was no help. Articles or threads on websites I found were mostly cross dressing men saying their partners had left them because of it, or they didn’t know, or just other scary horror stories. I love my husband and things I was reading scared me about other couples scared me. I had nobody to talk to because it’s not my secret to share and I respect my husbands privacy with his cross dressing. So I’m so happy I found CDH.
I am not a writer so I hope you forgive me if this seems a little all over the place.. so I’ll start by telling you my story.. and what better place to start than the beginning.I met my fiancé when I was 20 years old. He was 29 and I was instantly attracted to him. 6 foot 2 dark hair bright blue eyes so handsome. A real man!
We started dating and things moved fast. We moved in together after 3 months. We fell in love so quickly.
Maybe 6 months into our relationship I stumbled across a dating site for cross dressers on his computer.
Honestly .. I was like WHAT. THE. FUCK!!!!
When I brought it up with him, he laughed it off and said he joined some site from a porn website and didn’t know what it was .. it was from a long time ago .. blah blah blah. I ended up laughing it off too and forgot about it pretty quickly.
Fast forward maybe a year I see some pictures on Flickr of cross dressers and him commenting how beautiful they were. It hurt. It really hurt me a lot.
Was he attracted to men in drag? Did that mean I looked a little like a man?? (Really thought about that one!!) was I a cover for him? Was he gay? Again I confronted him about this and from what I remember, because if I’m honest I pushed a lot of this out of my mind because it brought me to a dark place, he said it was in his past and he loved me, loved women etc.
Around this time I understandably became extremely paranoid. I snooped. And I snooped A LOT. I’m not proud of it, it wasn’t who I wanted to be but I really did not trust him.
During my snooping I found an account he had on MySpace with a girls name and a picture of him with makeup and a blonde wig. I was in shock, in so much shock in fact that I did not bring this part up with him. I was afraid of the answer.
I also found more dating sites that he was a member of (as a man) looking for cross dressers. When confronted about this, he told me that he didn’t know why, he wasn’t gay, but he found crossdressers very attractive, a huge turn on. He never met these people but porn just wasn’t doing it for him and he joined the sites to message men for pictures of them dressed as women to satisfy his fetish he said. I was confused, I was hurt. More hurt that he was doing this behind my back.
To cut an extremely long story short, this cycle of me finding him on these dating sites, him explaining it away begging me to stay and promising to never do it again continued a few times. More than I care to admit.
During these years I always wondered if he was doing things he shouldn’t. Is he still on these sites? Should I try snoop again?
I became very self conscious about myself and pushed him for sex quite a lot I think to prove to myself he wanted me. I would be offended if he didn’t want to have sex. If he’s phone buzzed during the night I’d wonder if it was a message from a dating site. If he spent too long in the bathroom, was he jacking off to crossdressers? Will I ever be enough for him? For a long time I had very low self esteem because of it.
A few months ago, 9 years into our relationship and 3 children later I again find him on a dating site for crossdressers. This time I was calm. I had had enough.
I told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted. If he wanted to be with a man, a woman, a crossdresser or me i didn’t care but he needed to know and to stop disrespecting me. I actually told him to leave for a few weeks, figure out what he wanted and then come back and tell me.
I believe my exact words were “go and forget about me and fuck whoever you want to fuck and then tell me what you want”
I was met with the usual “it’s a fetish, I just like the pictures, I love you”
But I just couldn’t do it. He hurt me so many times.
This had all happened while we were away from home with our children. When we were leaving to go home the decision had been made that i was moving in with my parents until we figured out what to do. I was done.
Lucky for us we had a 3 hour drive home and the children were all asleep in the car. We had nowhere to run, no doors to slam and nowhere to hide.
I slammed him with questions.
After NINE YEARS together I finally get it out of him.
He wants to cross dress. He is ashamed of it. He’s embarrassed. He could have never told me because I would never understand.
It turns out he bit the bullet and bought himself lingerie, clothes, make up wigs the whole works about a month before we met and threw them all in a dumpster the day I moved in with him. The dating sites and asking men for pictures was a release for him because he could not dress himself.
I think we were both a little shocked when I just said “well if you want to dress then do it!!”
I love this man with all my heart and the thought that he had been missing out on something that obviously made him so happy because he was ashamed and afraid of how I would react made me so sad.
Don’t get me wrong, I was terrified. It was and still is very confusing!
Instead of me wondering if he wanted to be with a cross dresser instead of me, I found myself wondering if he wanted to be a woman, was he transgender?! So many questions.
That 3 hour drive he answered all of my questions truthfully. For the first time in our history, he was honest.
He wasn’t gay
He is attracted to crossdressers because he sees them as women
He doesn’t want to be a woman
He didn’t dress the whole time we were together
He never met anyone from the sites
There was a little “sexting” on the sites
He never stole any of my underwear
I told him that I loved him and as long as he was honest with me and would never disrespect me by talking with someone else I was open to him crossdressing. I think he was relieved it was finally out in the open. And excited. For the shopping!!
Fast forward to now. I’ve just met his alter ego Sophie.
Sophie has done a lot of shopping since I found out about her.
I didn’t see her until she had everything she needed so it was almost 2 months after the conversation in the car.
I tell no lies.. I popped a Valium and tried not to shit my pants.
Sophie was not knowledgeable about make up so i offered to put her makeup on before she got dressed.
That was actually fun, I thought it would be weird but i actually quite enjoyed it. I admired my work and went downstairs and sat on the sofa waiting for her.
I laughed as I heard the heels coming down the steps.
There he was. There she was? Oh god what do I say. What do I do.
There was my 6 foot 2, 250 pound husband with a full face of make up. False eyelashes, a long blonde wig. I look down. Blue dress, black stockings and suspenders. Size 13 black heels.
Ugly truth? It was fucking weird. Not what i was used to!
Did he look happy? The happiest I’ve ever seen. And that made him the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. His voice was shaking, he was so nervous.
We both were.. he sat beside me on the couch and we held hands and tried to act normal. I think he asked me 10 times if I was ok. Surprisingly, I was. It was still him. He looked different but it was still my fiancé in there. Just a prettier fiance who was much taller (thanks heels!) but more than anything, a free man. Finally being himself which turned out to be herself!
We took some pictures for him to look back on because who doesn’t like pictures of themselves looking fine!
This is all very fresh, we are figuring out how to do things. I’ve met Sophie three times and all three times have been great.
I think it might be a little bizarre for awhile I haven’t called him/her Sophie to his/her face and that will be a big step I think but maybe I’ll be ready soon. He’s very conscious of my feelings and how it might get too much and always asked if I was ok, if anything was too much. Said he wouldn’t mind if I asked him to just do this on his own from now on and to let me know if at any point i wanted him to change his clothes.
So far I’ve been ok, nothing has been too much for me, seeing him so happy and comfortable had put me at ease. And if I’m being honest, him dressing up as a woman is far better than the alternatives I’d been imagining for years.
As for the online stuff, I’ve a lot to work on there. I still snoop. I don’t know how to stop. I think it’s a defense mechanism maybe catch him doing something so I don’t have to face the hurt of it in the future? I’m not really sure. But I’m determined to work on myself because frankly I think I’m killing Sophie’s buzz!
So that’s it. That’s my rough and badly written story.
Oh Chloe , what a painful story , written with emotion & hopefully continuing with more joy than sadness. Thanks for your brave & honest words , my wife and I have ridden the rollercoaster & are daily working together to continue our love xx Tiff
Thanks tiff- definitely will continue with more joy! It’s like our real life is just starting off!
we are worth it all .. what’s a little pain in a lifetime of happiness.It’s certainly not worth throwing love away because of it 😊 Tiff
Darling, I’m in tears!
What an emotional rollercoaster, and I am so. Happy. It’s working for both of you.
Oooh… where’s the Kleenex when you need it…
Love Laura
Clo I absolutely loved your story thanks for being so understanding and honest she/he is so very lucky to have you in his life you are not only a beautiful woman you are a beautiful person that was a great story girlfriend I really appreciate your honesty 💋
I have an understanding wife, to a point, she is ok when Lacey is around which is less often these days. Sometimes it’s not the SO that has the issues with her man dressing but the dresser who has issues with dressing and that’s me.
I wish this was easy for everyone but truth is it’s just plain awkward.
Clo, your man is really lucky to have you in his life, really lucky. As long as you keep the relationship open and honest it should be ok, it’s dishonesty and secrecy that spread darkness. Draw some boundaries you are both happy with and enjoy each other, this life we live is not a trial run for the real thing and the only certainty in life is that it’s too short.
keep talking. XClo, thank you for telling your story. I know you and your husband are going through a very rough time. I am a 71 year old TG/CD. My wife and I are married 48 years. We have children and grandchildren. I told my wife after 10 years of marriage. We had 2 children at the time. She had found a woman’s name and # in my wallet. It was another CD friends information. That night i told her that i was a CD. Needless to say she was shocked. I stopped for awhile and one night i came very close to committing suicide. I got some help and realized that this will always be a part of me. We have 5 grown children and numerous grandchildren. She has never seen me dressed except for a picture one time. It sounds like your husband loves you. Life is about balance for me. I have accepted that my wife will never have anything to do with my femme side. Marriage is something you have to work at.
Yours TerriThank you for telling your story and thank you for accepting him. It was a very honest and heartfelt story. I know it won’t be the easiest hill to climb but him getting that monkey if his back is the GREATEST burden we carry.
When I comment on and communicate with other CD’s it is not due to any attraction to them but for the camaraderie and admiration for what they’ve gone through and how well the present themselves. I see these wonderful people on CDH as my peers, pen pals and support group.
i came out to my wife after 20 years of marriage due to guilt and feeling of deceit. Unlike your situation I did not want my wife to stumble upon my activities and misinterpret what I was about. I needed to be proactive and control the message, not to manipulate it but present it clearly and constructively. It went “well” and we are better now than we were before I told her. She always has been and always will be the love of my life!!
Hi Clo,
Just found and read your post today. First off, thank you so much for sharing. It is so important for all of us to hear and understand the viewpoint of a SO. Your husband is truly blessed to have such a caring and understanding woman in his life.
My wife has accepted my wanting to wear women’s clothing to the limit she is comfortable with right now. I am not going to push for anything more than she is willing to give. I am hopeful over time that she will fully embrace my need to be Emily.
Again, thanks for sharing and I look forward to hearing how things progress between the two of you moving forward.
Hugs,
Emily
Thank you for your story and your perspective.
My one comment would be don’t snoop. He lied to you several times which caused trust issues. Now that he has come clean, your snooping is causing trust issues the other way around.
If you feel you need to check on what he is dong, discuss it with him. Tell him there will be random checks, or that you can look over his shoulder at any time, or tell him you are going to have a look now. Because you have lost trust you may still want to verify. Communicate how you feel and why you need to do this. But come to some agreement that feels comfortable between the two of you. You can still check on what he is doing, but don’t do it in stealth. The two of you now need to rebuild trust, not erode it further.
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