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My whole experience seems to be different from a lot of people, when I first began to research the whole transgender experience to find information I found I was not the same. I don’t have much in the way of childhood memories, I don’t remember wanting to be a girl or dressing up in my sisters clothes when I was little.
For me, it began in my twenties (though later I realised there were signs going back to early adulthood and one or two from before.) at some point, possibly my late 20s, I started to wonder “what would I look like if I was a girl?” I had no idea as to how to answer this, I do remember trying some makeup program on my PC and used a photo of myself but it didn’t look right. Anyway, the question would keep coming back until I finally decided to find out. I was 38 at the time.
I looked online and managed to get an idea of what I would buy, I did plan to order them online but ended up going to second hand shops and buying them there. I bought a nice top, cardigan, skirt and leggings. Sadly I got the skirt size wrong. After this I worked out my proper fem clothes sizes and slowly began to buy more stuff. Clothes, some jewelry…
and then I decided I wanted to have a bust. Bought a bra, padded it out and all was good… until I looked down and wished the breasts were real. Up to this point, I thought it was just cross-dressing, but once the “wish for boobs” came out I realised this was more than that.
Soon I slowly began to see signs of my fem side in the past, with one from my childhood: a memory of being given some book or something from a friend who was a boy and to say thanks, I remember giving him a hug. Connected to this memory is “boys don’t do that” or “don’t do that”.
Ive been told that I did play with my sisters dolls at some point when I was little. I don’t know how old I was because I don’t remember it. Instead I remember playing with cars, transformers and lego. I did like cuddly toys though.. still do.
Ive found a common thread going back to early adulthood. Most of the shows I watched were either A: aimed at a female audience or B: had lots of female characters in it. I became very interested in Japanese anime/manga in my early adulthood, and have watched many anime aimed at girls (I don’t know if anyone here is familiar with anime/manga so I wont go into detail much unless anyone is interested.).
There are MANY anime/manga aimed at girls, especially the magical girl genre, and guess what little ol’ Lucia watched a lot of? xD magical girl shows! (Sailor Moon being the one In first watched…..in German!)
My manga collection is mostly girls manga. Not only anime, most DVDs I have are aimed at either the aforementioned A or B. I love languages and always look to see what foreign languages are on DVDs… and I especially like female characters so Im drawn like a moth to a flame to DVDs of girls shows.
For music, I prefer female singers. When it comes to video games, I will play as the female character most of the time. If I can create a character, it’ll be a she.
Something else I have realised. For many years I saw the following as being for girls only: Jewellery, pampering yourself in the shower and fashion. All 3 have become things I very enjoy after my fem side came out. In fact, before I saw showering as a chore and did it as quickly as possible. Could that have been dysphoria?
What started as wearing fem clothes sometimes has become daily. When Im at home I dress femininely, I only dress more masculinely when I have to go out, go work or see family. No one who knows me knows about my other side.
For me transition is to make myself as feminine as possible, growing my hair long, long nails, and I bought shape wear to give me the curves I want so much. Surgery is a no no due to me having heart problems so I don’t think it would be a good idea.
In the last two years its been a slow join-the-dots to try and work out, just what was going on. I came to then conclusion that I have a female side at least – I AM female inside at most. I fluctuate between the two, but I think the second is more likely due to the desire to have a female body. Im not seeing a therapist yet, not sure I feel confident enough to go there yet, for now I feel talking here on this forum is a good start.
Has anyone had any similar experiences, or does anyone think its not what I think it is and it could be something else?
Thanks for reading J
You are beginning the process of rationalizing the feelings you have and looking for links that connect. It is a position many girls find themselves to reason why they have these feelings. It’s perfectly normal and it is good you are coming to terms with yourself. If there are difficulties then perhaps a therapist would be a logical step but otherwise enjoy the experience.
Lucia, early twenties is still adolescence, especially in terms of final brain development. I, for one, am not surprised that your femme side “seeds” grew and blossomed then.
Some gals here have stories of it becoming clear far later in life, often when some life change occurred. You can enjoy and learn from our experiences but only you are the unique you: go with it, go for it!
Hugs & kisses,
W.Hi Lucia, I remember quite vividly several moments from my childhood, adolescent and teen years of wanting to wear feminine attire and/or imagine being a female. Not many, really, but very distinct. What ties them all together is that over time, I became very secretive about them, making sure no one was around, or by keeping it strictly imaginary. I now suspect it was because at least once, if not a little more often, I was admonished to not do it, and to never again even think it, and in no uncertain terms. I just don’t remember those (except 1 time when I was about 14/15), but I’m now pretty sure they happened.
I also suspect, I had a lot more instances of sneaking dressing or imagining being what I dreamed about, that I don’t remember because I was trying so hard to hide it. I also suspect that if sites like this and therapists that exist now were more available back then, I would have much more seriously looked into transitioning. Just weren’t enough supportive groups, people, etc. to share with, to convince myself I wasn’t some kind of misfit or deviant.
I made choices and I’m living with them today.
Hugs, ChloëC
I think I am fairly similar.
I never had the “I am a woman” feeling but I was always different. I related to women so much more than men, I preferred their company and was just easier to talk to them.
There were a few instances (turn around Party at college when men dress as women ect) in my youth and it was only later when I thought back that I realised I actually enjoyed it.
For me it was having gynecomastia and deciding how I felt about it that opened my world. Initially I was fighting it, trying to bulk my chest so it would look better (and failing). I was considering surgery when I asked myself (what if I liked it?).
This opened Pandora’s box of reviewing my entire life and all the little instances of enjoying the mico female experiences I had had and then asking what it all means.
Right now I am very confused and not enough money to unpack with a therapist so I am doing a lot of soul searching to understand myself better before going to a therapist to unpack.
The best I have is I consider myself Agender but I could just be afraid to admit I am trans 🤷♀️
💖
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I wouldn’t say I relate more to women than men. But I wouldn’t say the opposite either. I definitely have the feeling different thing though, often when I’m out I feel uncomfortable around others. Perhaps because I’m dressed in guy clothes. I did manage to go out recently with a lovely fem top on but had a guys jacket over the top.. but it was unzipped so the top could be mostly seen. That made me feel good.
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