My biological mother passed away within a year of my birth. Within a couple of years my father remarried. My step mother became my mother. She was a saint and I’ll miss her forever. My father, although a good person, was a workaholic. He was home very little and I suspect got remarried more out of need for a care giver to my sister and I than true love, but that’s just my thought.
The first memory of wanting to dress as a girl I was just four or five years old. My sister got a new dress for Easter Sunday and I was very upset that I could not have one also. I remained persistent and Two days before Easter Sunday my mom let me try on my sisters dress. She put a bow in my hair and put me in front of a mirror and asked me” are you sure you want to dress like this? I was thrilled. She took me to the store and helped pick out my own dress and shores. The next day she helped get my sister and I ready. We looked like sisters and I loved it. She and I were best friends so she loved it also. When my father seen me he was very upset and refused to allow it. I cried and felt sick. My mother promised secretly that if I went to church dressed in my suite, I could wear my dress the next day all day while my father was at work.
Hidden from my father, this type of thing went on for about a year. Then my father and step mom devorced. My father was always working and much of the time out of town. He agreed to allow my sister and I to continue living with my step mom and move with her out of state near our grandma. Life became so wonderful. I started first grade in a catholic school. My mom registered me as Vickie. I’m not sure how she faked the paper work, but it worked and went to school in my skirt uniform and was thrilled. My big sister who was in second grade was my best friend. We shared a bedroom and did everything together. My father would send a letter it call from time to time, but for the most part was out of our lives. As I got older, my mother was always one step ahead, sewing pads in the crotch of my shorts, jeans and even bikini bottems. At 12 years old my sister and I would swim with our friends, do our nails and have sleep overs. No one ever knew my secret. I did not even start puberty until I was close to 16. Unfortunately, when I was 13 my father visited unexpectedly. The timing was the worst. I came home from our friends back yard pool wearing a bikini bottems and barely padded top. My father was mortified. By now my father had a knew family and made it clear that he felt that my step mom did this to me. In short, my father received custody and I was forced to move out of state and with him and his family. My beautiful long hair was shaved off and I was only allowed to wear boys clothes. It was a struggle and for a long time I hated life. that was 40 years ago. I have a family with adult children. I have been very successful and love my family. Last month my sister sent me an old photo of me with my long hair, cute shorts and little bikini top. Her e-mail started with the words ” my favorite sister who I will miss until the day I die” this e-mail sparked me to join this site. For 40 years I have resisted and blacked out the feelings and memories and what made me so happy. I didn’t want to make my father shameful. I did what I had to do to be a good son. But what’s really health? Life is so short. Thank you if you read this. I’ve needed to tell someone for 40 years…….god bless
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