- This topic has 12 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by
.
- Posts
I have been married for many years, and I have been ‘caught’ dressing a few times, only to get into arguments with my wife, purging everything, and then stop dressing for a while. This last time, a friend of hers found a photo of Facebook of me on my femme account, and showed my wife. Being a great wife, she denied it was me to her friend, but confronted me about it later that evening. She was so pissed. She demanded that I go see a therapist, which I am doing, but I don’t think she will like what has come about since I have been going. I have really started to feel like the inner woman in me wants to come out more and more, regardless of the consequences. I don’t want to hurt my wife, but the feeling of being torn apart and not happy is getting too much for me. Any suggestions on how I can soften the blow to her when I do finally get the courage to tell her my true feelings. I do love her, and don’t want to cause her or my kids any more pain than I already have. The kids do not know of this side of me at all.
This is so very tough and I feel for you. It took my wife a while to become comfortable with my dressing, and she is still a little put off by it – but more because she has issues with people telling you how you should dress and whether you should wear makeup or not. She does, however, support me when I dress and I am truly thankful for that.
Your therapist is probably the best one to speak with about how you and your wife can work through all of this. You may need to ask your wife to come to a few sessions with you, so she can explore her feelings more thoroughly and so you can both understand how each of you feels.
I hope only the best for you
Millicent,
Thank you for the reply. I have asked her to go to therapy with me, but she steadfastly refuses. My wife wants absolutely nothing to do with my cross dressing, and it is tearing me apart. My therapist has been helping me immensely, but it still is just eating me up. I want to hold my marriage together, but I don’t think it is going to happen unfortunately.
Hello Bobbi Anne. I’d like to respond to your difficult (for you) post by looking at a few things individually. Hopefully then I can give you some ideas on how to approach a solution.
You start by saying that you’ve been caught crossdressing a few times and that has resulted in arguments. One thing that I have observed from many discussions with crossdressers and partners is that discovering their until now ‘normal’ husband dressed en femme, sometimes daringly so in risque lingerie, can be very confronting. It is often the shock factor that gets things off to a bad start.
We can’t wind back the clock and undo things but the fact that you’ve been caught a few times suggests that you were still trying to hide your crossdressing. Subsequent discoveries would have only increased her feelings of betrayal and sense that she wasn’t trusted, or perhaps can no longer trust you. I suspect that those feelings are more responsible for her reactions now than any particular feelings about crossdressing.
Fortunately I was never caught out crossdressing but I did get to a point after just over 26 years of marriage that I could no longer keep it a secret. As terribly difficult as it was I told my wife I was a CD. Her reactions were common; shock, a feeling that I didn’t trust her enough to tell her, questioning what else I wasn’t telling her, was I gay, did I want a divorce? So many initial reactions. In our long and awkward talk I tried to address all those things. I was as open as I could be, including trying to explain that I kept it secret because I didn’t want to hurt her, not because I didn’t trust her.
Until I told my wife I was a CD I had never even taken photos of myself crossdressed, let alone set up a social media account. I was terrified of her finding out through a third party. Your latest incident, involving a friend finding your en femme FB page (better check those security settings) shows how those risks can pan out. Your wife found out that you not only continue to crossdress but did so via a friend. That was obviously very embarrassing for her yet, as you say, she denied it was you, at least until she could confront you. She could have outed you and tried to save face by criticising you but she didn’t.
Now I come to the difficult part. I think you need to sit down with your wife, at a neutral location away from the distractions of home like phones, visitors and so on, and bring the elephant in the room out into the open. It’s obvious that you still love her enough to care for her feelings and you want to preserve your marriage so those would be the first things to tell her. Then you need to try to explain to her that your need to crossdress is not a fad, not a quirk that you simply choose but something deep within. It is part of the fabric of the person she loves. Despite what you like to wear you are that same person.
When I first told my wife I was a CD I knew it’d take her a while to get her head around it, if she ever did, so I told her that I would never force her to take any particular course of action. I offered to talk to her as much or as little as she wanted to and also told her that I trusted her judgement if she felt a need to talk to someone else. That helped her feel that she was a little bit back in control of what had happened to her. It still took her a couple of years before she asked to see photos of Jane (which I was now happy to capture) and another year before she was willing to see me en femme in person. Each step was at her own timing but the important thing was that I no longer crossdressed in secret. I did so with discretion. There is a big difference.
Bringing out your feminine feelings in therapy does not mean that you are on an unstoppable road to transition. How far you want to go towards that is something only you will know. In my case, though I’ve often thought about it, I know that’s not my destiny but with open and frank communications about my feminine needs I know that I can exist pretty well with one foot in both camps.
You don’t say how old your children are but all four of our kids took it well enough. Our eldest daughter struggled a bit with the idea that her daddy liked to wear women’s clothing but even she has come to accept and support the idea because she sees I am still the same person. The only differencce now is that she knows something she didn’t previously know about me. That’s the only thing that changed, not me.
I think you need to make a deal with your wife that there is no more secrecy. If she does not wish to be involved then that’s her choice. If she doesn’t ever want to see you en femme then that too is her choice but the important thing is that you tell her that if that’s how she wants it to be then you will crossdress with discretion so as to protect her from the discomfort she would feel. Let her know however, that therapy will not ‘cure’ something that is not an illness. You are doing nothing wrong. How she relates to you will then be up to her.
Many partners come around to acceptance and support but that can only happen if they feel an equal factor in the equation.
Best wishes Bobbi Anne. It’s not easy but it is possible.
Hugs,
Jane
Jane,
Thank you so much for those encouraging words and insight. My therapist is working with me on writing a letter to my wife explaining my feelings. I am usually not a confrontational person by nature, but do come out ‘swinging’ when I am cornered. When I tell her of my true feelings, I want to try and do it in the most gentle of ways, because I do love her and I have already hurt her too many times with this.
I also took a big step the other day, gathering up my courage and going to my therapist somewhat in femme. It was a big step for me in gaining some courage about my dressing, as it was unprompted and I just felt I needed to do it. It was a very liberating feeling, and I seemed to be able to open up even more to her. My next step hopefully is going to be this Tuesday night, going to a ‘Meet and Greet’ at the Pride Center in Albany to meet some others like myself. I am hoping that with these things, and with the letter that I have been working on, I can build up the courage to give the letter to my wife and we can move from there.
Hopefully we can come to a solution that we can stay together and I can dress still, or if not, at least something amicable that doesn’t hurt the kids.
Thank you again for your advice and insight,
Hugs,
Bobbi Anne
Well, things have come to a head in my household, and my wife has asked me to leave at the end of the month. I am not arguing the point of her asking to leave, as I also think this might be the best thing for her and I. My only problem is the kids.
Her and I have spoken and I told her that I would take all the blame for the relationship falling apart, and that I wouldn’t tell anyone that it is because of my crossdressing. She said she is embarrassed by it, and I don’t want to cause her any more hurt and heartbreak. She is a good woman with a stubborn personality, and that is one of the things I do love about her.
As I stated, she asked me to leave, but as of now, I have no where to go to. I am looking for a cheap place, as I don’t need much since it is just for me, but I will need something. If anyone knows of anyplace in the Capital District area of NY, around Albany, please let me know.
Thanks for everyone’s advice and for reading. Hope everyone has a better day than I have had.
Bobbi Anne:
I can relate to your pain and suffering. I have been married 34 years and came out to my wife 8 years ago. I have been crossdressing since age 10 and it has now been 54 years. The guilt the shame the anxiety of keeping it secret ate me up so I told her and my adult children. It has not been easy over the last 8 years, she has left twice, filed for divorce twice and came back. She has been back now a year, spent some time in the spare room recently and is agreeable to working on the marriage. My clothes are hung in the closet, I dress androgynously daily along with underdressing. For bed silk PJ’s or tanks and panties no further. My stuff gets laundered and back on the bed. However, she will not do counselling with me, does not want any part of the crossdressing but does allow me to dress and go out. The marriage is still a work in progress but she is working on being cooperative but it has taken 8 years to get this far. There has been no intimacy for 6 months now I am giving her time. During a separation I had my hair lasered face, chest, belly, back, hands and she is ticked over this. Said she will not make love with a girly man.
Dani
hi my name is joann your story sounds just like me right now is one of the times when i have just purged every thing and made the promis not to dress any more and this tjme my wufe wants me to see a thearpist i have not gone to one yet i am affraid the will tell me to stop hiding and be the women i long to be does that sound about right
Ah Joanne and Bobbi and Dani,
I can so relate to all of your posts!. MY ex could never handle or accept me dressing in any way shape or form and we split up 11 years ago. I have bene seeing a counselor (for both the dressing and for other issues)(see my post about counseling for the details-https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/starting-counseling-and-the-road-to-recovery/)I too worry and wonder if I will end up discovering that I want and need to actually transition rather than just keeping up as crossdressing but being more open about it. The step to transitioning is like stepping off the edge of a cliff and trusting that you won’t crash into the earth below! So many consequences! Yet I have to be true to myself-if I can only figure out for sure who that self is! But thats what counseling is for-helping me do the self-examination and figure out what I need!
Anyway, know you are not alone; be who your heart tells you that you need to be and KNOW that you have the love and support of me as well as the entire CDH community! You will not only survive this rough period-you will THRIVE!
Luv,
Cyn
2015_relationship advice: Bobbi Anne Rox original post:
I have been married for many years, and I have been ‘caught’ dressing a few times, only to get into arguments with my wife, purging everything, and then stop dressing for a while. This last time, a friend of hers found a photo of Facebook of me on my femme account, and showed my wife. Being a great wife, she denied it was me to her friend, but confronted me about it later that evening. She was so pissed. She demanded that I go see a therapist, which I am doing, but I don’t think she will like what has come about since I have been going. I have really started to feel like the inner woman in me wants to come out more and more, regardless of the consequences. I don’t want to hurt my wife, but the feeling of being torn apart and not happy is getting too much for me. Any suggestions on how I can soften the blow to her when I do finally get the courage to tell her my true feelings. I do love her, and don’t want to cause her or my kids any more pain than I already have. The kids do not know of this side of me at all.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
Recent Comments