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Hi Ladies,
The one topic I always search for in these forums are on the subject of spousal relations. I find the stories and essays about coming out to your SO endlessly fascinating and helpful. Along with the lifelong struggles of finally coming to full acceptance of my transgender feelings has been the equally difficult struggle of cautiously revealing more of my femme persona to my SO, a drip at a time.
Based on what I’ve read here it would seem that most CD’s long to have that complete and total acceptance and love from their partners. I’m no different. I would say that my relationship with my SO falls into the middle range of experiences expressed here on CDH.
I came out to my SO 4 years ago in a long heartfelt letter to her which she read while I sat next to her. The letter was pretty much what you would expect. I told her I wasn’t gay, I didn’t want to transition, that I loved her very much and didn’t want to lose her. But that being a woman was a part of who I was. I didn’t ask to be this way (who would I suppose) but the fact was, I fall somewhere on that nebulous transgender spectrum and that wasn’t going away.
4 years later now (we’re near retirement age) she has ever so slowly welcomed this part of me into our lives. While she’s not ready to spend time with “Bobbi” she makes regular trips to see family, 2 and 3 days at a time, maybe once a month for the express purpose of allowing me to spend uninterrupted “gurl” time, which I take full advantage of, going out in public and basically being this woman inside me for several days. She knows and supports this arrangement. Even going so far as to email me loving notes which I read enfemme.
I guess my question is this, while we have reached a pretty satisfactory compromise, the subject of crossdressing and transgenderism remains sort of the white elephant in the room. Always difficult to bring into a conversation. We do discuss it from time to time which allows both of us to share our thoughts on the matter but I long for more such conversations. I want so badly to help her understand my feelings and needs and why her acceptance is so needed by me. I guess what I’m saying is that I want more support, more encouragement, more………..acceptance.
And lest I sound totally selfish, we do discuss her feelings in depth and I want nothing more than to support and help her with her own insecurities. I listen carefully to what she says and am loving and empathetic to her needs. A part of me is a woman, I totally get how that makes her feel. In fact, being a woman when I can I actually think I understand her feelings from the point of view of a woman (to a point of course).
How can I make this subject less difficult for us both.
Thanks girls, you’re all so wonderful.
Bobbi
It wasn’t that way for me Bobbi so I can’t speak from a precise experience but it sounds like you’re both giving each other the needed respect and that things have gotten better albiet very slowly. I’m guessing that for some SO’s they met and connected with a man and have a really hard time accepting anything other than that. Keep putting in the effort and leaving the lines of communication going as retirement nears when you’ll be spending more time together. The feminized brain works for and against, it can see her point of view and be more compassionate but it also wants to be recognized anx included.
I sincerely hope you can work through it and come out as a stronger couple because of it.
Olivia
Hi Bobbi nice meeting you and when I got married my wife had no clue to this side of me . I told her about Stephanie a few months after marriage and that was 37 years ago . we had many discussions on subject as I was not gay or ready to transition and never will be I am just a crossdresser I just love the feeling of and the look of womens clothes shoes and makeup all of your girly things . She would not mention Stephanie for a few months as she was trying to understand what this load of bricks was that I dropped on her and so I kept quiet about it until she brought it up and we sat down for a real heart to heart and I was scared to death she was going to leave me and to me that was not an option stephanie had to hide away in the closet and stay their .Luckly she had a few concerns about family and friends and we came to terms with that so she would stay as I love her beyond life and still do . Now you know my life and hope someday your wife will sit down and discuss Bobbi and accept her as a real life part of you that will never change or go away . silly question would your wife join us here and talk to some other wifes on subject of Bobbi and learn from other wifes or SOs theirs so much information here that she could benefit from . Im far from a therapist but hope some of this helps good luck girlfriend and pm me if you need a ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on .
Stephanie Bass
Bobbi,
Relationships are dynamic, and no two will be the same. You two have found a compromise which works well for you (or seems to). It’s good, but may not be possible for others.
You say you want more acceptance from your wife; Understandable, but consider this: How understanding would you be about another man entering a relationship with your wife, no matter how innocent? Bobbi is another woman, who is competing with your wife for your time and attention. Complete acceptance is a wonderful thing, when it happens – but it is the exception, which most of us will never realize.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Sometimes we have to accept our wife’s , SO’s do not want to be part of our CD lives . My wife knows I wear female underwear 24/7 I have no male underwear and she said she can cope with that but she never wants to meet Anita which is her choice and I would never force the issue, we have had lots of talks about CD and she knows CD is part of me and it makes me who I am and that’s why she loves me .
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Hi BettylouSorry, but I don’t agree that the femme side is another woman.
It’s the same person.
As Laura, I have had men proposition me – and my favourite comeback is that I am not a real woman – and I am not.
It’s not the same as your wife bringing another man into the relationship – not even close – I am interested in your reasoning on this though, as I don’t want to dismiss your thoughts out of hand – you’re too lovely and wise for anyone to do that.
I cannot fathom the reasoning behind that thought – please forgive me!
If I act in a play, I live the character while I learn the part. It’s no different.
If it’s her perception, then, unless you do actually feel like you’re a woman instead of a man – which some do, so a fair point – I think that a better equation would be for her to start FtM cross dressing, which for me, would really not be an issue at all.
I have met some stunning FtMs and could happily role play that scenario with my wife!
Love Laura
Hi Laura , I’m gender fluid & crossdressing is part of this , if it helps my wife has described it as ” living with another woman , my Mistress ” , part it our workings is to keep my wife as the no.1 female in our home 🏡 💐💐
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Hi TiffI guess that, since I can’t see some things a certain way, it’s because I have limited experience – I am sorry to Bettylou, you, or anyone else who found my answer offensive or annoying.
Thank you so much for clarifying – if that makes your situation work, all power to you – I can see how being the other woman would be a wonderful scenario – I would love that!
I think I took my fixed line because of the defensive position I felt – my wife doesn’t want another woman around, my reflex reaction, inbuilt joke, (and genetic fact!) is that I’m not a real woman.
I think that taking such a hard defensive position possibly builds more walls than it breaks, so I will meditate on that.
I would so love for my wife to change her hardened position that she will never accept my dressing. Attacking the reasoning is my current line of defence, but there are better ways.
There are plenty of chinks in the armour, since she asks me to play female characters in our costume parties:
It’s really, really hard not to see it as some kind of fight, because of her denial of what is a much, much bigger part of me than I suspected… although I often daydreamed about this in my teens, I was so scared of even attempting the reality that I tried to bury this deep.
Now it’s finally out, the teenager is like “It’s not fair!!!” all over again – but this time, I’d rather let the noxious feelings out than bottle them up again and poison my life.
So I am sorry that I was horrible – I shall deal with the spoilt brat in me – and I love how you are dealing with this!
The fight needs to be carried out with Love, patience, understanding – and humour, so that is where I am taking this… 😍
Love Laura
Hi Bobbi Just keep doing what you are doing. My wife enjoys saying “its the water on the rock theory” I am of the belief we have introduced another woman into the relationship and she will take away some attention way from our SO. The marriage agreement is not only a moral agreement but a legal agreement. The agreement should be renegotiated to allow for another woman to join the relationship even if it is just some times. Getting our SO to the table where negotiating can begin is totally up to your SO. She has to be willing to renegotiate. The emotional and empathetic part of us is no problem it is even welcomed. The physical part of our desire to express our selves in the fem can be a very touchy subject. My wife wants to be the only woman in our relationship so i just agreed not to intrude in her domain. She entered the agreement as the queen some thing she always wanted her whole life. She will take a back seat to some decisions but being the queen of the house is not one of those decisions she will take a back seat. Renegotiating and compromise is the only way to keep the marriage in tacked. She also knows what is at stake. She does not want her world to fall apart just because you want to wear some cute and pretty. A great subject that needs to be discussed. Luv Stephanie
First off, can I say I applaud you for wanting to take the lead and open up more conversations with your wife – it’s something that comes up time and again on SO boards, both here and in other places I looked at before, that once a partner “comes out” they just clam up and it’s up to the wife / SO to initiate the conversations, which many find confusing.
From the wifey side of the fence, if what you have done in the past (writing a letter etc) worked and didn’t cause any problems then go with that as it sounds like your wife took your words to heart and is trying to support you, even if that does mean she goes out and doesn’t see you dressed, she’s doing that willingly and knowingly and not making an issue of it – if putting out the good china has signalled that you want to have a heart to heart before, then go with that – if putting out the good china has signalled “we need to talk you are in the dog house and sleeping in the sofa for a month” then maybe don’t do that!
It may take some time to get there but if you are honest with her and honest that you want to talk about your worries, wishes and concerns and you balance this with wanting to be mindful of your wife views and wishes as well then hopefully things will open up a bit.
She possibly doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and offend you either so it’s a fine balanced line to tread as to whether to initiate a conversation or not – just ask Penny Jay – Im sure she just cringes whenever I say “Can I ask you something” or has a thought of “oh god, what now”
xx
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