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Don’t ever tell anyone that you think will not be accepting of your crossdressing about it. You will be sorely disappointed. They will not understand and it will only cause you heartache and grief.
I told my SO about my crossdressing and it has caused a horrid mess. I wish I had never shared it with her. I feel like the inevitable end will be her leaving me and that’s the very last thing I wanted.
Never ever tell anyone that you aren’t 100% sure they will be ok with it that you are a crossdresser. It’s just not worth the risk. The closet may be small but it’s comfy.
I haven’t told anyone about myself yet and I am still coming to terms with myself. This is a big fear of mine, about being rejected or disowned, losing the closeness and support. However, if these people were negative to me, are they worth keeping around? Many times in my life I have been confronted with family is what you make of it, that blood necessarily isn’t thicker then water. I think what you have done took tremendous courage in revealing a private aspect of your life that you aren’t comfortable sharing; that you bared your soul. It is unfortunate that they reacted in that manner, but sometimes people recoil or mock what they don’t understand. Hopefully on reflection, they can come to terms in their mind about why you pursue crossdressing and make peace with it. After all, you were doing it before and before that statement was uttered they loved you. Does that person they loved not exist now? If they change their mind negatively, then maybe it is a positive that someone who would not stick around is gone. I had a girlfriend for 3 1/2 years and we talked about the prospects of marriage and kids; however, things happened in her own life and she projected her insecurities onto me. I feel that it was very manipulating and controlling behavior and it left me feeling depressed. I put on over one hundred pounds after finally being physically fit for the first time in my life. When she dumped me, it was a blessing in disguise. It might not feel like it then, but it gets better. Find that person who accepts you for you and makes you whole. The closet is comfy, but so is a coffin. Live a little.
I was with my girlfriend for 14 years when I told her about my closet crossdressing… I wanted to marry her but felt she deserved to know me, the true me before saying yes because I already knew this woman absolutely adored me… I was so afraid to lose her and I was terrified reading the reactions some ppl got… But She was my Rock… I told her and introduced her to Dallas my better half and she loved her truly and acepted her entirely… 1 year later and we’re engaged and have never been happier. She will actually ask for gurl tyme 😉 every so often it has kept our fire burning super bright …. LOVE HER FOR ALWAYS.. If you have the right girl she will love you no matter what ladies…
Love 💋💋💋💋💋💋💋 Dallas
Jessica I am so sorry to hear about your experience. That is always something we all dread happening, especially regarding a significant other. However I don’t know if it is ever possible to be 100% sure of how anyone will react. You do deserve better than having to deny yourself though.
The closet may be safer, but it’s a hard place to go back to once you’ve stepped out.
Stevie
Jessica you are a strong brave woman for opening yourself up; sometimes the weight of having to hide is just too much for us. Remember you are not doing anything wrong; I believe that we should all be safe to wear whatever we want to. GG’s can wear trousers, shirts, brogues, and have short hair, why can’t we wear skirts, dresses, makeup?
Give your partner time and space, then maybe show her some of the longer articles on here, about the why’s and wherefores (My wife and I found this helpful for her to understand)
stay safe, stay strong and stay cute
Seren xx
Jessica,
I am in 100% agreement.
There are three people who know about Lee Ann. My cousin, who is more of a sister to me. I knew that if she didn’t accept my feminine side it would be okay. I could walk away and life would go on.
The second person I told was my closest woman friend who lives 1000 miles from here. She was very accepting, but again if she wasn’t life would move along without a hitch.
Lastly, my manicurist. Lovely woman, but it is a business arrangement. Enough said.
My brother? No. A waste of time.
My daughter? Probably not.
What about my wife? There are stories about wives accepting a “new woman” in the house, but for the most part there is at best resistance, much less any kind of support.
We have been married 32 years and I am 99.99% certain there would be zero acceptance. Maybe someday though.
Lee Ann
Honey, I disagree.
The hard road can be painful at first, but the rewards are greater.
You haven’t opened Pandora’s box, you’ve released yourself, and, for others, it can be a shock.
It’s your job to help them.
Dressing up isn’t wierd, it’s a basic human need – to be able to express yourself freely.
Your SO didn’t marry you for your taste in clothes – that is not a part of any marriage contract!
Listen to her, however hard that may be at first.
She’s still the special person, the special friend you married, so treat her like that, but more so. We CDs have to work even harder than GGs, so accept that first.
Don’t answer the questions on a whim – say that they’re really interesting, and you need to think about them.
Chances are, someone here has already been asked the same things, and you can piece together honest and helpful answers.
Right now, your SO is confused and possibly scared.
It won’t get fixed overnight, so pace it, nice and slowly, thinking of one question at a time – meanwhile enjoying the little things that make your relationship special.
Breakfast in bed, run her a bath, buy flowers – you know the small things she likes better than anyone.
Assure her that her big man hasn’t gone anywhere – there’s just this bonus aspect to him that for reasons best known to you, you’ve felt obliged to keep hidden until now.
Because it’s not hidden any more, so you need to relax and deal with each brand new step on your unfolding journey, which just got a lot more interesting.
Maybe it’s not the interesting you wanted, but it’s what you have – and I doubt very much that your wife is shallow enough to leave you over clothing. She’s much more intelligent than that, so treat her like that!
Love Laura
Hi Jessica I agree with you. The only people that will truly understand are the people here at CDH and other places where we can gather and chat. There is no point in telling anyone that does not have a positive impact on your life and how you choose to live it. I was not brave like so many here. My SO found my clothes in the trunk of my car. She still does not understand but allows my activity with restrictions. It was such a relief when she found out. It had to come out somehow. The desire to express my self in the fem was increasingly getting more and more important to me. I found a private club for CDs and transsexuals. We met 2 times a week and you could store all your fem clothing there at the club. The club made it easier for me to explain to my wife. She visited the club when they had a SO night. She got to talk with other SOs and members. She found it a little cute [her words] and was amazed how stunning some of the members could look when there was real effort. I know i am making a long story short. The only one that should know is your SO. She will never understand. How could she? Her body and brain are in agreement with each other. Our body and brain are lets say having a little difficulty in communicating even it just sometimes. Find a club, start a club. get involved with our community some how, some way. Abby said it well, The closet can be comfy but so is a coffin. You have to express how you feel even if it just sometimes. Having a place to go to meet others that have similar feelings helps in so many ways. It will work out when you try to work it out. If your SO will not go along with your journey then do not stop your journey. I believe at the end you will find ACCEPTANCE is your only way forward. Once you accept this part of you as being real the the world is opens up to so many opportunities and decisions that can only help you be a complete person.
Luv always Stephanie
Well said. So sorry ab the pain you are going through and hope you didn’t “fess up” on the advice of well meaning members of our society.
For a small minority, telling their partner works, and I’m pleased for them, but for most it’s stepping out of the closet into an ugly world where relationships get torn and friends lost.
My heart goes out to you, hopefully you can rebuild something good either back with your partner or on your own. Take care, and if you need to chat, just holler
Deexx
I thank all of you girls! This is the reason I joined here, support. I have received just that in so many ways. After battling with myself for 30 plus years over this I finally got the courage to tell someone, the person I love the most, only to have to deal with negativity.
I haven’t got to dress but one time since we have been together. I purged because I thought now that I have found someone I want to be with these feelings and desires about the other side will go away. Wrong. I have no clothes, shoes or anything else to work with. My desire to dress right now is overwhelming. I need to be free. I need to relax.
Everyone reacts differently when they find out a loved one has a secret side. Sometimes the relief of sharing that secret is worth the short term pain, sometimes it’s not. It’s really hard to know what the reaction will be, but keeping that secret is a difficult thing to do, and gets more difficult as time goes by. The odds of getting “caught” increase daily.
It may seem like it was the absolute wrong thing to do, but perhaps in the long term it will be beneficial to your relationship. And perhaps it won’t. The only way to truly know is to share who you are honestly. Keeping a secret as big as this one from someone you love will only continue to cause you heartache. While I feel badly for what you are going through, it was most likely inevitable for her to find out. Best that she heard it directly from you and not figured it out on her own by finding some of your clothes and things.Emily
I do agree with this sentiment to an extent. I think WAY too often we think that the goal is to be out. That we need our community to know and accept it and while I do agree that would ultimately be the goal and keeping things like a huge side of yourself from someone you love is often a misstep, these is always more things to consider.
1) How much do you want them to know? Would it be nice if my next door neighbor knew and accepted? Yes, but I don’t really care if he does so I’m not going to come out and tell him.
2) How much would it hurt you if they knew and didn’t accept? If my boss knew of it and decided to fire me over his prejudice that would hurt and my gain would be minimal, so as a result I am not coming out to him.
As always it is a matter of pros and cons. You should have someone in your life you share this with and you’re not stuck in the closet, but you also shouldn’t try and fly too close to the sun. Weigh the damage with the reward.
This is a deep rooted problem for me and my SO. I’m so concerned that she will fine the “man” she really wants and wants to be with because of my crossdressing.
A little over a year ago I (probably) blew what was (probably) nothing, into something very big. She was on a business trip to an unfamiliar town for a conference, and a (male) co-worker was all too happy to show her around. Turned out too this guy had walked her to her car a few times, she always worked late (7-9pm), everyday. (they no longer work together and she can’t go to the office anymore). Not to mention she will from time to time say things like she wishes she had a (male) friend to do things with. But I digress.
I am so constantly worried about this sort of thing now, it has us both walking on eggshells most of the time. We have not been intimate with each other for about a year, and she will rarely touch me anymore.
It’s put a strain on things to say the least, and I feel at fault for bringing this all on. I don’t know how I could have not told her though.
Oh what to do?!
Jessica, thanks for sharing your pain – it’s very real, and very difficult. Know that you have this space here, and us, for support.
Thank you for your honesty. I am trying to work up the courage to tell my wife and I appreciate real data. I have other people I could tell and it would just give me the satisfaction of letting someone know. It’s so hard to know what reaction I will get from my wife. The chance that she would be accepting and okay is really alluring. I want to have it all, but maybe we can’t. Anyway, thank you again for sharing your experience. It really does help.
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Hi Jo’elleI understand the need to share with your wife – I felt exactly the same, just over 2 years ago, and it didn’t go amazingly.
But I felt I needed to share it, and I do not believe I was wrong to share something so fundamentally important to me with the person I chose to share my life with.
That she didn’t respond the way I wanted is neither here nor there. I cannot and will not try to control another’s feelings.
But I do hope to influence.
And, what has happened over the last 2 years is that I have begun to learn how to fully and properly express myself.
The value of self expression should not be underestimated.
By suppressing the feminine side, we suppress a whole range of feelings which belong to us – a big part of our personality is wrapped up in there.
In my case, I understand with hindsight that keeping the femme hidden has kept some of my talents hidden, along with some of the nicest side of my personality. It brought depression and stress, which finally got me just over 3 years ago. I didn’t know anyone could feel so bad about, well, nothing really – stress and depression are below feelings, they’re horrible mental health problems – small wonder they’re treated like illnesses.
I was diagnosed by a doctor, as I could not cope with life or work in that state. Fortunately, I didn’t require meds, as, once I understood what was making me feel bad, my doctor was able to point me towards the things that I could do to help myself.
I was signed off work, but I resigned, as I knew the healing process wouldn’t be quick.
I dressed more than I ever had before – every day the house was empty. As my wife commuted, that was every week day.
I went out, for walks, then to shops, then joined groups of friends for activities, all en femme.
It wasn’t hard to see that this was doing me good, and I added some training to the mix, applied for some high flying jobs – and got them… although I didn’t go as far as to attend interview or go to work en femme.
It’s not magic, and may not work for everyone, but it boosted me like nothing I’d experienced, so I came out fully to my wife.
As I remarked, she wasn’t and still isn’t happy, but she noticed keenly the improvements, and suggested that I go to Brighton for femme days.
The temperature seems to be slowly thawing.
She understands that neither my cross dressing will ever go away, nor will I stray from our relationship and family.
In the long run, coming out is the BEST thing a cross dresser can do.
Be prepared.
The reactions may not be what you want – but they’re her feelings.
Respect those, but expect respect in return.
If you feel like you’re being punished – what are you being punished for?
She will have questions, formulate your own, and avoid arguing.
No-one is wrong, no-one has done anything wrong, but understanding, even from our side of the fence, is hard to come by.
One question at a time. Baby steps. Look forwards, not back – and if you’re going through Hell, keep going.
It’s your life, you just get the one – what do YOU want?
Love Laura.
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Whatever you do , do not tell your wife! They just don’t and can’t understand. They get to wear the pretty clothes and have all the options on self expression through fashion and they just don’t get why we want those same options. If you have friends ( specifically very open minded female friends ) tell them if you have to tell someone. I have to say that telling my SO was a huge mistake.I think your right to say don’t tell anyone your not 100% sure will be okay with it, its very
difficult to know how someone might react. I hope your SO can accept the real you and move on together. Best Wishes to you both
Jessica,
There’s this voice in my head that tells me I’m selfish for wanting to tell her. It tells me that my secret is something that’s wrong with me. I have to consider that maybe this voice is right. On the other hand, I think about truly being free. I know real freedom is more rare than us Americans want to believe. The question that keeps coming up for me is whether I am willing to lose my best friend and soul mate over this piece of me. This piece that wants real freedom. It’s a huge decision. Again, thank you for sharing. I am genuinely sad about hearing that it did not go well for you. I hope that she or he can compartmentalize this one day like we can. Your insight is invaluable and your dreams are valid and important. I don’t know you but I want to send you my love and concern. Oh and if we are ever found out at least we are pretty as f***!
Golly Jo’elle…how beautifully put…that surely was from the heart
Huggs sister, grace xx
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You are not selfish for wanting to tell her. As a matter of fact honesty is rarely selfish. You’re right about possibly losing your best friend and soul mate. It just isn’t worth the risk.If I had it to do over I would have kept my big d@#$ mouth shut. Quite possibly one of the worst mistakes I have made in a long, long time. The consequences of telling her are just about more than I can bear at the moment. If it all goes south I will have to bear the burden of I ruined one of the best things in my life by telling the truth. Not to mention the fact I will have driven away the best woman I have ever encountered.
I told my wife that I was a cross dresser a few months back. It didn’t go very well. “If I new that you were into that, I probably wouldn’t have married you” was her response.
since that time she has seen me in my panties, and occasionally my heels. In fact, when she first discovered my heels, she said I had great taste in shoes.
it has been several months now, and I am prepared to sit down and talk with her about this. It is very important to me, and if we decide to separate, it will be very sad, but I need to be honest with her and myself.
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Yeah I got the had I known this comment too followed by a look of disgust. Eye rolling and the whole nine yards. She’s a scorpio and believe me she’s got the look that can kill……everything. Now I’m in complete turmoil and basically a living hell that I created for myself by being honest. Apparently honesty not quite the best policy in certain delicate situations .wow,this post echo’s all of my fears, You all wrote such varying responses, Jessica,Im truly sorry for the way things went, and I hope the girls are right in your case.
I agree with you, this is the only place I feel safe to talk of myself, I have no other close friends than my wife,and it would kill me to lose her, or her respect.
Thank you for sharing
And Laura, you always have the most beautiful things to share, please dont ever stop.[postquote quote=395485]
I understand your situation. I am not going to tell you how to proceed. I am just illustrating that I am in a similar situation. I am also a Scorpio, so I understand what you are saying!I really feel for you, though that’s small comfort at the moment.
There’s been so much great advice already, all I can add is the question I asked myself before revealing Rei “How much do I want to be with someone that I can’t be 100% honest with?”
The old cliche of “nothing worthwhile ever being easy” has played out true time and time again in my life.
I truly hope things take an unexpected and positive turn for you. Rei
Hello to all the prettiest ladies in the whole world.
I would like to make a few points as I have gone through a clumsy closet exit with my second wife.
I did not want to get caught, I wanted to be up front and truthful. She knew something was up as all her clothes have been stretched to crap for the past 25 years.
My 1st wife thought something was up with me but could not figure it out till she found some panties hiding in my drawer and thought I was seeing another woman and didn’t believe me when I said they were mine. I really panicked and didn’t have a good story, I was too scared to tell her I dressed up in her clothes and bought panties for myself. Things went downhill from there as the X had an affair and ended the 1st marriage. If this site was around 30 years ago and I had all of you beautiful gals to confide with maybe it would have been different. So in the back of my mind if I shared my feelings with her would we still be married? She was my best friend for sure. So there is pain related to not saying anything.
Fast forward 30 years and I had a few conversations with my second wife about who I am and things went downhill “again” but I know who I am now and she can google cross dressing and maybe relate a little. So no sex, she threw out all of the panties and bras I ever gave her and does not wear any of the lingerie that I have bought her but we still live in the same house. (we have children at home so this is for them) Since I have come clean I wear panties in front of her and don’t have to hide any of it anymore “win” She is not happy at the thought of me wearing anymore than panties so that kind of sucks but I don’t have to hide the panties and still dress in the closet. I have a lot of night gowns to wear as she wont “win” because I get to do these things I have cut her a lot of slack on stuff we used to fight about because she looks the other way when I wear panties to bed. “win” There is a nice calm in the house, I get to do some things I want and I don’t get on her case for what she does like online shopping. (cause I have been doing some of that now) Things are not great but it is not the end of the world. If she decides to leave me then it was meant to be and I will be with someone who understands me way better. The friend that I married cant be such a good friend if she wont stick with me as I dress the way I want. Its hard to come to terms with but if they don’t understand you, life is way to short to be stuck in a closet. I need to stretch out and the closet is too small for my new boots. Maybe time will heal and things will get better but who knows. All I know is I am a cross dresser and I cant stop. I used the analogy before like the song hotel California lyrics I think of me every time I hear the song “you can check out but you can never leave”. That’s me and I am way way happier that I can be with all of you and read your stories and share mine. I love you all and am so happy you are here for me.
Thank you all. XOXOXO
Hello girls!
I have an update on this post.
My fiancé and I had a very long talk last night about everything and it was very productive. She opened up to me expressing her fears,concerns and many of her feelings about my crossdressing which is all I really wanted her to do in the first place. I wasn’t really looking for acceptance (though that would be really nice) when I told her I was a crossdresser. I just wanted to get it off my chest so it wouldn’t be tearing at my heart and soul any more.
It has taken me a very long time to accept myself as what I am and I can’t expect her to accept it quickly either.
I’m sorry for any negativity or general b!*#$yness I may have put out there. I was in defense mode and venting. I love this site and appreciate all the love and advice I receive here.
Thanks a bunch
Jessica
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It is quite understandable! I’m in a similar situations can very much appreciate the emotional way you are thinking. I am praying that you’re fiancé will understand that cross dressing doesn’t change WHO you are.please keep us posted on how everything turns out.
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Well, my wife and I had another terrible fight this morning. Not about my cross dressing, but another issue.I have decide I am not going to discuss, or even attempt to talk to her about it. She doesn’t want to listen to me anyway. Anytime I try to speak she just steps all over my attempts.
I am not a good husband, I have no friends, and all I have left is an empty marriage and work.
so that is how everything will go on for the future, work and an empty marriage.
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Lexie honey I hope the best for you. This life that chose us is a difficult one. I don’t want to see anyone of us loose a relationship over something that is a part of us. I have been going through a hard time over the last week since I told my fiancé about my crossdressing and I know the pain of the thought of loosing that person you have built a life with. Hang in there. Hopefully things will get better. The people here are very open and honest and accepting. We are all here for the same reasons . We will join together behind you to help you on your way through this as the sisters here have rallied behind me to help me. It’s about support here and that’s exactly what is given along with a whole lot of love which is what the world needs so much if these days.[postquote quote=395227]
This is the only place I feel safe and loved. I do not always agree with what is said here, but the words are always from love,respect and experience!Hi Leslie,
I hope you hear from your friend. I had a very good friend and confidant with whom I could share anything, but never this.
I came close to doing a couple of times, but did not because I did not want to jeopardize the friendship. Sadly he passed away several years ago. He was my one true friend. But I could not tell him.
You may have to accept that your friend may not be able to cope with what he has learned. Just know, if he made that decision, he made that decision, not you.
Be at peace with yourself, what you love to do and what makes you feel good.
Love and hugs,
Rebecka
Hi Leslies. As everyone here has said should we tell friends and family, and if we do how much should we tell them. It is hard for us to accept, do we loose that friendship or keep our ‘secret’ to ourselves. Sorry to hear of your possible loosing your friend.
I to have a situation. I have let my hair grow out and now it naturally curls a little at the ends. I love it and how it makes me look. I keep wanting to tell those that do know that I can’t stop can’t quit. Truth is I don’t want to quit makes me feel good and calming. Now with my feminine looking hair I am going to have to tell my 4 brothers something ( it’s going to be hard to hide ).
MY co-workers probably already suspect something , it’s hard to hide even under my hat. But I can’t loose my job, they have a gender identity non-discrimination policy. But I am concerned to loose the relationship with my brothers. I probably either tell them or cut my hair and go back into deep ‘ in the closet mode.
It’s just with the helping posts of everyone here at CDH I am getting more comfortable with my feminine me.
Sandy
My feelings, exactly, Sammy; and can you ever be 100% certain, even after you tell?
Bettylou
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