- June 28, 2022 at 8:05 am #659076Birdie Twenty-ThreeParticipantRegistered On: June 28, 2022Topics: 2Replies: 13Has thanked: 57 timesBeen thanked: 113 times
I am a conservative, both morals and values, with two beautiful children, two grandchildren. Retired for 5years, I am fortunate to be financially stable and am looking forward to a little traveling.
I have come to CDH in hopes of getting support and advice on how to save my marriage to a recently outed lifetime CRoss-Dresser.
Total of 36 users thanked author for this post. Here are last 20 listed.
- July 25, 2022 at 3:05 pm #665356Carole CorbettAmbassadorRegistered On: September 5, 2016Topics: 3Replies: 113Has thanked: 149 timesBeen thanked: 431 times
Welcome to CDH. As you can see from the many responses, people want to help and there is an unlimited amount here on this site. That content along with some objective guidance from a few others helped me tell my wife last fall. We are doing well and have been out together multiple times. She knows it’s not a hobby and is supportive. We focus on today not wha5 could happen. Here are my observations and just my opinion on this topic:
1. There is no text book perfect way to figure it out with your spouse. While you can read how others did it, yours will be different. They all are as we are different people with various backgrounds and experiences.
2 That doesn’t mean it doesn’t benefit you to read and talk to people. I believe you take some of what you learn and some of what you know and figure out your plan.
3 you need to understand yourself as good as you can. It’s better if you figure out more about where you stand on the spectrum. That doesn’t mean you can’t change but think about it this was …you spouse has to deal with two problems…helping you figure yourself out and she then had to figure out herself. Do you want to stay married…where does that fit in? Are you willing to compromise ? In my case I wanted to stay married but if she could not accept Carole at all in any way I was prepared to separate. I know that she didn’t . I had finally accepted myself and was no longer going to hide.
4 She will need time. We all have been dealing with this for a lifetime…she has to catch up so it will take her time.
5 It’s better if your wife is happy with herself. If she’s unhappy herself then I believe it will be hard for her to accept you. In my opinion this shows up in wives thinking you look better than them. A good marriage is never built in one looking better than another.
6 Assuming you want to stay together she needs to know she’s important I see some of us going full speed with no regard for their spouses and they feel entitled to be that way. Your marriage will not survive that.
7 Communicate communicate communicate. My wife and I talk more than ever and it’s great.
That’s just some of my thoughts….again everyone is different. I just wanted to share some fundamentals that many I have seen in previous comments. Please read ask and talk here! It’s a wonderful site. I believe that between CDH, a few friends here that have become very close and my therapist….they saved my life! Lots of love to you and your wife!
- July 24, 2022 at 1:20 pm #665052Ginger SnapBaroness - AnnualRegistered On: March 9, 2022Topics: 5Replies: 23Has thanked: 245 timesBeen thanked: 140 times
Gave hints to my crossdressing to my SO, of 44 yrs, but only recently (1 yr) ago did she realize the strong desire to dress. I went to counseling alone for short time, realized it was ok, have no desire to transition. We’re going to couples counseling, to try to communicate better, even go as Ginger occasionally. She accepts dressing to a degree, actually impressed by my fashion awareness. She’s not into social media, so on CDH only when she’s busy, so as not to ignore her. Wish she would use this understand and talk with SO’s. Know ur not alone.
- July 25, 2022 at 7:29 pm #665405TamaraLadyRegistered On: July 22, 2022Topics: 0Replies: 15Has thanked: 146 timesBeen thanked: 52 times
I’m mtf non passable but I live 24 7 as Tamara. I know that I should have been trans girl when I was 7 years old and was in love with my best friend. I would have been his boyfriend or girlfriend I preferred to be the girl. It took me over 50 years to admit to myself I was gay and female feeling. Now I’m living 24 7 as Tamara I finally love myself and happy. I’ll have the VA do my hormones and implants. I’ll finally be the woman I should have been. Love my sister’s ❤️
- July 25, 2022 at 1:45 pm #665322Jane MansfieldLadyRegistered On: December 27, 2020Topics: 4Replies: 303Has thanked: 546 timesBeen thanked: 1036 times
Hello Ginger, welcome to our girl friendly site. Changes for both people, yourself , and your SO. Time and talking help. My wife saw things over 20 years that made her think. Maybe he likes femme clothing, mannerisms etc.
Did your wife ever mention or ask you about this. You are talking, which is a good start
- July 25, 2022 at 2:10 pm #665335Ginger SnapBaroness - AnnualRegistered On: March 9, 2022Topics: 5Replies: 23Has thanked: 245 timesBeen thanked: 140 times
Yes wife participated with dressing as just fad, or sexual thing for many years. She went through breast cancer, lucky no chemotherapy or radiation, natural reconstruction.Then we had communication issues,we both said things both regretted, resulting in anger and purge. That’s when she realized extent of dressing. Thus the counseling sessions. Recently bought forms and awaiting wig ordered at store specializing in mastectomy restoration, with wife who also was fitted for new bras. So really working on many fronts. Communication is very important.
Luv,hugs and blessings
- July 15, 2022 at 11:47 am #662925Terri Anne KnoanAmbassadorRegistered On: February 7, 2018Topics: 32Replies: 1262Has thanked: 1881 timesBeen thanked: 2738 times
Welcome to our amazing CrossDresserHeaven (CDH) site. So glad you have joined us here. Feel free to explore all that our site has to offer.
The Warmth, Compaasion and Hospitality of our community members can be found throughout the site.
Please do make use of the forums and articles or public chat room and friendships offered here on CrosDresser Heaven.
At any Membership level, You can contact any of us via [ PM ] Private Messages. You can find that link on each member’s Wall under their Profile picture.
Also, you may find what you need such as Help Center or Ambassadors by using the links in the top R/H drop down 3 bar [ hamburger ] menu.
Here is a good link to review the membership levels and the privledges for each. Such as Private Chat, Groups, etc.
Terri Anne, Ambassador
=========== Link to our public Chat room ==============
- July 12, 2022 at 10:13 am #662247
- June 29, 2022 at 10:51 am #659385Susan TalbotLadyRegistered On: June 28, 2022Topics: 1Replies: 152Has thanked: 982 timesBeen thanked: 500 times
Hi Birdie and welcome.
I am new here but a lifelong CD.
I will say that I hid it from my SO for almost 1.5 years. I told her because I want to marry her, and I don’t want any secrets amongst us. I was deadly fearful of losing her by telling her or if by telling her she would view me in a different light. Fear is a strong human emotion. Anyways, I wish you and your SO the best for your marriage now and going forward.
- June 29, 2022 at 9:20 am #659372Trish WhiteBaronessRegistered On: December 2, 2021Topics: 3Replies: 262Has thanked: 923 timesBeen thanked: 984 times
Hi Birdie and welcome to CDH. I sincerely hope you find the answers you’re looking for for both you and your husband. I have been married for 47 years, my wife is tolerating my crossdressing at best but does not want to meet Trish or have anything to do with her. She is also very conservative and also a very black and white type, no gray areas.
I told my wife about my cross dressing before we got married. I couldn’t go into a relationship like that with a major secret. I also wanted to give her the opportunity to cut and run if that’s what she wanted to do. We have talked about it but cannot get through to her that it is not a competition between us. That I’m not trying to look better than her as a female (as if I could). But it just doesn’t register with her. We are still together in a somewhat strained relation ship which could be so much better for both of us if she was able to at least accept Trish. I think the strain between us would disappear and we both would be a lot closer than we are now. I asked her one time why she married me if she couldn’t accept the female part of me. Her reply was I thought I could change you.
So I guess from all I’ve written maybe if you take away that you cannot change him. The female part of him has been there since birth. You do not need to be a part of his cross dressing but being tolerant and non judge mental of his desires would reap benefits for both of you. And save you both from life of unnecessary stress and grief. I wish both of you success in dealing with the crossdressing and hope you can find each other in it. My best wishes to both of you.
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Trish White.
- June 29, 2022 at 11:18 am #659393Birdie Twenty-ThreeBaronessRegistered On: June 28, 2022Topics: 2Replies: 13Has thanked: 57 timesBeen thanked: 113 times
Thank you for your response, I am sorry for the strain on your relationship, intimacy is such a multi-faceted part of the human experience and, when broken, is so difficult to regain. I have dug down to the spirit level in my relationship where there is no gender, no physical form at all.
It is from that level at which I am now operating as I journey with my CD husband down the road.
I wish the best for you and your SO, as well.
- June 29, 2022 at 8:27 am #659364Elise EliseBaroness - AnnualRegistered On: December 28, 2021Topics: 1Replies: 21Has thanked: 20 timesBeen thanked: 93 times
As a lifetime crossdresser with a tolerant wife I can tell you conversations are key. Like others have said boundaries are needed in every relationship! First your husband needs to be honest with himself, only then he can be honest with you. The questions put forward on this site for applications are a great place to start. Ask him the questions asked of you when joining this group. Discuss what he wants and what you can accept. This will open the door for the boundaries you both can accept. Mutual respect and love will heal the day. You should know he will never stop crossdressing, and he and yourself will be setting him up to hiding his dressing and lying about his dressing if he tells you he can and will stop, he might purge but will start again. The urge gets stronger as we get older.
My wife and I have set days of the week where I dress and we sleep in different bedrooms on those days. We have times we travel and I completely dress in fem and other times we travel as husband and wife when I only dress in my male clothes. When we travel and I’m dressing in fem, we travel as friends, book separate rooms and have no intimacy. When traveling as husband and wife we have a single room, king bed and our intimate time. When I’m dressed there is nothing sexual between us we are just friends as two females. A side note, I don’t pass but still dress in public, knowing I’m atypical, and not submitting to political correctness. I don’t have a problem correcting people who call us ladies when we’re out. I let them know my wife is all woman and I’m a man who likes to present as a woman. This is the part of being true to my self and true to my wife. She tolerates my dressing in public but it’s to places where we have little chance of being outed. Discussion is key and boundaries you both can abide to are key. As you go forward things can change as you both become more comfortable with his crossdressing.
Hope this helps,
- June 29, 2022 at 11:25 am #659395Birdie Twenty-ThreeBaronessRegistered On: June 28, 2022Topics: 2Replies: 13Has thanked: 57 timesBeen thanked: 113 times
Wow, thank you so much, I admire you for the maturity at which you approach things. I hope I can help my CD husband become as comfortable in his skin as you, and be able to vacillate smoothly between the dual identities.
I strive to be able to comfortably be with my husband in either form and establish the boundaries that give him the comfort and pleasure he needs while keeping me comfortable as well.
- June 29, 2022 at 4:02 pm #659423Elise EliseBaroness - AnnualRegistered On: December 28, 2021Topics: 1Replies: 21Has thanked: 20 timesBeen thanked: 93 times
Open those lines of communication and maybe you can guide him on how to dress in a fashion and age appropriate style. You said he dressed you as you thought he might like to dress, even though not your style how would it suit him. Help him become completely comfortable in his fem self, sit down have a glass of wine and discuss yours and his feelings while he’s dressed. Become friends all over again and set your boundaries so he doesn’t have to hide anymore. Let me know how it works out. Remember when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade, quench his thirst and you will be rewarded with truth and honesty!!!
- June 29, 2022 at 7:08 am #659342Auroras LivingfemLadyRegistered On: May 22, 2020Topics: 0Replies: 34Has thanked: 937 timesBeen thanked: 88 times
Hi Stephanie Iike your article and gives me a better simple to approach my wife;lately she has caught me CD several times , trying my best to explain, why I have the urge I tell her the best way, but she can’t understand gets mad don’t like her seeing her cry I said that since I was child had those “urges” I thought it would go away and yes, but on and off but every time just looking at her putting her makeup I just couldn’t resist the temptation to grabbed some eyeshadow and lipstick (lately she noticed quickly cause either item hasn’t washed out completely) retired now I been practicing on my makeup and been taking pics. false eyelashes is just an ultimatum goal;and yesterday I managed just mascara won’t do the trick ( just SO knows) cause I left some dark spots, then she will confronted again and the explaining begin. But reading your messages helps how to approach her thanks again and to all sisters thank you specially to our founder Vanessa Law all the ambassadors and staff. Auroras Livingfem
ps love all sisters stories and to put here all the names is not easy but from my heart ❤️ thank you all.
- June 29, 2022 at 4:34 am #659305
- June 28, 2022 at 6:57 pm #659236Stephanie BassHostessRegistered On: November 30, 2019Topics: 24Replies: 3727Has thanked: 53830 timesBeen thanked: 13123 times
Hi Birdie as so many ladies here have said many things with such good advice i cant add to them except to say really nice meeting you and hope things work out ..
- June 28, 2022 at 5:47 pm #659216Lara TuckerLadyRegistered On: September 29, 2021Topics: 2Replies: 945Has thanked: 20817 timesBeen thanked: 3323 times
Welcome to CDH!
I have only had the urge to cross dress for a few years. I have not come out to my wife yet because I am afraid she may feel that I’m doing it because she hasn’t been the woman I want anymore. Sometimes you can try explain that this is not the case, but the woman you married might have some feelings of doubt that can be difficult to overcome.
And yes there is also me not being that manly guy she married.
So the fear factor of coming out is pretty powerful.
In your husband’s case he may feel like he made a mistake in telling you, if he thinks he has hurt you. Maybe that’s why he is going back to hiding things from you.
I know it would just about kill me if coming out hurt my wife. I also know based on how much stronger these feelings are getting for me, that I won’t be able to stop. So I’m going to have to find a way to tell her sometime in the not too distant future.
I hope me telling you my feelings might help your perspective.
I hope you find a way to work this out together!
- June 28, 2022 at 3:58 pm #659182
- June 28, 2022 at 2:38 pm #659166Jane MansfieldLadyRegistered On: December 27, 2020Topics: 4Replies: 303Has thanked: 546 timesBeen thanked: 1036 times
Hello Birdie, An issue you did nor expect has landed on your doorstep. Confusing at least.
Thankyou for coming to this site
Many ladies here have had too face. Telling SO about crossdressing can be extremely difficult. Trust is one issue, why did they not come to me before, how do they want dress in public.
In my case there had been suspicion for a long time, some medical issues as well. I told my wife last year. We have dates, weekend trips, shopping daýs.
I opened up and fully revealed the extent, and as a result my wife’s suspicions were confirmed.
Our relationship is very strong and loving. You need to have an open and honest talk, listening, asking questions, perhaps suggest a day of dressing at home firstly, but time does help.
Your partner is still the same human but now enfemme as well.
I wish you every happiness, and best wishes
- June 28, 2022 at 2:10 pm #659154Fiona BlackLadyRegistered On: November 23, 2019Topics: 0Replies: 113Has thanked: 41 timesBeen thanked: 383 times
I applaud you taking the step to come here to investigate crossdressing further. Many wives wouldn’t have even bothered to take that step so to me that shows you & your husband have a marriage that is built on a solid foundation. I cannot comment in detail about your situation because I do not know you & your husband but I thing you will find out by talking to other wives here that there are many ways to accommodate crossdressing in a marriage and still have a fulfilling, loving relationship.
Even in a relationship where spouses are completely head over heels in love with each other and consider themselves to be open-minded, progressive thinkers introducing crossdressing into the mix is bound to cause a certain amount of uncertainty, anxiety, confusion and stress. I think sometimes husbands are very reluctant to admit to crossdressing because they really do not want to inflict these stressors on the woman they love.
I wish you both the best.
- June 28, 2022 at 1:49 pm #659148GwynethLadyRegistered On: January 21, 2021Topics: 5Replies: 255Has thanked: 1621 timesBeen thanked: 928 times
First, I have to commend you for seeking information here where it has to be uncomfortable for you to post things like this. I know it’s hard. But I’m reminded of what someone said to me years ago – life wouldn’t be so hard if we didn’t think it was supposed to be so easy.
I would counsel you not to take your husband’s reluctance to come out to you as hurtful, disrespectful, or even lying. Of course, it’s easy to see it that way but think about his reasoning.
1) We all think we can overcome anything. There are only a few things we can. CDing is an obvious challenge to deal with. We think it will pass. For some it does. Most it doesn’t. And with a world much more accepting today, it’s almost impossible to fight.
2) We don’t want to hurt our spouses. Most of us think this is going to ruin our marriages. My wife married a high school athlete. Worked as a machinist. Fixed my cars most of the time. If she knew about my desires, it would ruin that image.
3) We don’t want to hurt our family/friends. One thing I always think about is what it would do to her as a woman. “I was such a bad wife, my man wants to be the wife now!”
Whether its right or not, I hope you see him keeping this quiet might have been to protect you and the family. I’ll bet he thought he could beat this.
He obviously hasn’t.
- June 29, 2022 at 11:49 am #659397Jackie DavisLadyRegistered On: May 9, 2022Topics: 3Replies: 37Has thanked: 100 timesBeen thanked: 157 times
Well put! I’d also add there is the issue of “leaping monkeys.” Carrying the secret of being a crossdresser is like having a monkey on my back. If I tell my wife, I feel better to no longer be carrying that secret, but a burden has now been placed on her – the monkey has leaped from my back to hers. If a marriage is strong, it may survive and recover. Or, it may not.
- June 28, 2022 at 1:36 pm #659144Barb WireDuchess - AnnualRegistered On: September 16, 2021Topics: 17Replies: 703Has thanked: 4013 timesBeen thanked: 3302 times
I find it interesting that some brought scripture into this conversation, yet you don’t mention it. I guess since you are conservative it may be a logical assumption. However, I do know a few transwomen who are conservative but not necessarily religious. In fact, some hold the 2nd Amendment as one of the cornerstones of American life.
I dunno… I just find that life is more interesting when it’s lived as a contradiction. I’ve always thumbed my nose at convention, especially at conservative restraints and shackles that try and define me as either a man or a woman. To see life from both perspectives is a beautiful thing! And, best of all, my wife appreciates it!
Some scholars truly believe that the words in scripture define us as man AND woman, not man OR woman, suggesting that gender is a spectrum and not an absolute. I guess the clothing has to come for the ride…
So, for me, crossdressing is more than a sexual fetish, although it is fun!
All the best to you and your spouse!
- July 25, 2022 at 7:47 pm #665409LadyRegistered On: July 22, 2022Topics: 0Replies: 15Has thanked: 146 timesBeen thanked: 52 times
1 user thanked author for this post.
- June 28, 2022 at 1:22 pm #659140Cassie JaysonDuchessRegistered On: September 29, 2019Topics: 55Replies: 963Has thanked: 2262 timesBeen thanked: 4445 times
Birdie, welcome to CDH. I am a crossdresser and also conservative. As others here have already said I am troubled with Deut 22:5. BUT I have come to terms with that for now. I did cross dress behind my wife’s back off and on for many years, we are now divorced (nothing to do with cross dressing).
If you are correct in that he is still lying to you then he has a problem and is probably afraid. If the both of you don’t receive councelling and him seperately you are likely doomed. Your spouse has spend sooooo much of his life in hiding and in SHAME that it is very hard to be 100% truthful to you 100% of the time. With councelling and the desire you say you have to understand all of this and work through this we all hope you can be saved .
- June 28, 2022 at 12:11 pm #659137BaronessRegistered On: June 28, 2022Topics: 2Replies: 13Has thanked: 57 timesBeen thanked: 113 times
Thank you all for the welcome and the words of support, I can see this is a site of people with genuine compassion.
The biggest stumbling block for me is not the dressing, it’s the sneaking. It’s the dishonesty, and lack of respect.
I understand the reasons a CD is secretive, if that was all it is, we’d be fine by now. For me it’s the slow leak of information, the testing of the waters throughout our 12 year relationship, that hurts.
My CD husband did not tell me when we first met that this was his thing, his dressing was erotic and got his motor running. Instead, he used me as his ‘model’. I have always been an outdoorsy, athletic female, my two careers were in male dominant industries. I didn’t wear makeup, dresses, skirts, heels and hose. I got my generic hair cut from a ‘quick-cut’ place not a salon.
The first three years of our relationship, my CD husband dressed me in all the things I now know he wanted to wear. He encouraged me to go to the salon for a hair style and cut, suggested the kind of makeup I should use, and so on. I had no idea he was living vicariously through me.
This style was not my style and I grew weary of it. I believe this fact, among other things, is what finally brought my CD husband out.
So there is the past and the deceit.
Now he is out (6 months ago), he saw my reaction and wants to go back into the closet. Even after we have talked about how hurt I was by the dishonesty, he wants to return to that phase. He tells me it wasn’t that important, he won’t do it. He wants me to believe he doesn’t want to dress all frilly, not if it means losing me.
Enter the phase of deception where he continues to dress either androgynously (wearing women labeled clothes that have no famine style) or unbeknownst to me. He is not being honest with himself, how can he be honest with me?
And when caught and confronted doing what he needs to do to be himself behind my back because he is in fear it will upset me, he flat out lies. I know what I know, see what I see and he still lies. ☹️
I have forgiven him for the initial omission of some very important to our relationship information. I am trying so hard to learn and grow, to understand what I can and accept what I cannot understand.
I ask him questions and listen honestly and openly, but when he says he won’t do this or that and then he does it behind my back, How can I recover my trust in him? How can I believe what he says when he has and continues to be dishonest?
A lot to unpack here, I know. It feels good just to get it out in the open. Thank you, CDH community.
- June 28, 2022 at 6:05 pm #659225Celeste StarreLadyRegistered On: June 26, 2018Topics: 50Replies: 1445Has thanked: 386 timesBeen thanked: 5301 times
Thanks for the clarity. I’ll not comment on the deceit other than to say it’s quite common especially with us older gals. You could say society beat it into us.
I will comment on something else you said though:
The first three years of our relationship, my CD husband dressed me in all the things I now know he wanted to wear. He encouraged me to go to the salon for a hair style and cut, suggested the kind of makeup I should use, and so on. I had no idea he was living vicariously through me.<br style=”box-sizing: border-box; font-family: ‘open sans’; font-size: 14px;” />This style was not my style and I grew weary of it. I believe this fact, among other things, is what finally brought my CD husband out.
It appears you do not appreciate being told how to dress and I can’t fault you for that but think of this: Your CD husband has been told all his life that he can’t dress the way he wants. Maybe he too is getting weary of it in the twilight of his life. I’ve found that to be quite common for CD’s in their later years.
- June 28, 2022 at 7:13 pm #659240BaronessRegistered On: June 28, 2022Topics: 2Replies: 13Has thanked: 57 timesBeen thanked: 113 times
Thank you, you bringing up a good point, nobody likes to be told how they can and cannot dress. That being said, it means my CD husband knows how it feels and did it to me anyway?
The lingering effect of his trying to make me something I am not makes me question his choice to be with me in the first place. When he told me he is a CD and wants to present, my self-esteem took a nose dive. I continue to build my self-confidence back up.
I have asked him why he chose me, only to then try to change me. Of course, there is no answer, but still…
- July 12, 2022 at 2:25 pm #662283Pattie ObaritoLadyRegistered On: December 25, 2019Topics: 12Replies: 44Has thanked: 0 timesBeen thanked: 144 times
My $.02 here….
first, he is still the same man he was when you married him. Just now you have learned more about him. The good qualities you love him for are still there. It sounds like he loves you very much. You are still the good woman he married. That is the basis to work from.
your husband is probably running scared right now. I would be. Lying (or omission) is an attempt at self preservation. He is wondering if he made a mistake, what the heck was I thinking!
an attempt to go back in the closet is to ease your discomfort, to preserve the marriage, and damage control. It isn’t necessarily dishonesty.
CDing is a compulsion. I have done it off and on for 40+ years. It might show you how powerful when he felt it so strongly that he risked his marriage. Perhaps he thought you would be tolerant (wishful thinking?).
my wife and i had a heart to heart a couple of months into living together. She risked our relationship to reveal that she had did some hot checks. Fear was on her face when she spoke. So I told her about my CDing. I was scared too. We were both relieved when neither of us condemned the other.
don’t take things too personally, don’t overthink it, and don’t make life altering decisions when you are angry.
stay strong and fight for your marriage.
- July 12, 2022 at 3:06 pm #662291
- June 28, 2022 at 2:26 pm #659161Nancy BeaneBaronessRegistered On: April 7, 2021Topics: 1Replies: 14Has thanked: 6 timesBeen thanked: 39 times
Accepting SO here. It sounds like after the initial betrayal of him hiding this secret for so long, the bigger issue now that he has come clean to you, is the continuation of the lies/sneaking/denial. Many of us SO’s have gone through what you have when we first found out; its not so much the dressing as it is the dishonesty and sin of omission for having done this for so long without telling us. And also the fact that they dropped quite the bomb on our marriage.
But lets fast forward to your current situation. If you feel like you can wrap your head around the crossdressing or at least come to terms with him doing it “out of sight out of mind” lets focus on his behavior. From my own experience with my husband and from literally everything I have read, the urge rarely goes away but actually can get stronger with time. That being said, he may have every intention of giving it up for you, but you are correct in that he is lying to himself. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for him and understand why he tells you he will give it all up for you and to save your marriage. But clearly he cannot, given what you have said about the continued sneaking and lying.
Open communication and boundaries are the key. It sounds like you are having some dialogue, but right now the onus is on him. He needs to face the reality of his crossdressing.
So, what to do? I would suggest setting some boundaries and see if you can reach a compromise, at least for now. For example, you don’t mind him dressing but you don’t want to see it. And if he does dress he is under no circumstances to lie about having done it, if it comes up. Or perhaps if you are going to be out of the house for a few hours or more, he can have the freedom to dress during that time, but when you get back home its all put away and he is back in guy mode. Or maybe it can be as simple as just saying do it on your own time, no sneaking around, but NEVER lie to me about the dressing or think you are getting away with anything. You may never accept his crossdressing and that’s okay too. But don’t throw in the towel yet, given time I hope you both can work something out.
Clearly I am not a therapist, just my two cents as to what may help you. And maybe I’m a little harder on your husband than necessary, but I have been through this and as tough as it is on the CD’ers end, its pretty traumatic on us SO’s.
FYI, my husband also claimed that he would give it up for me, and maybe he could have but I’m not so sure. But in all honesty now that he is out to me and we have settled in to our new normal I can see how much less stressed and happier he is. Mostly because he is not carrying this huge secret from me anymore. I feel like I actually got my husband back, and with a new girlfriend to boot. We started with tons of talking and a fair bit of crying, me asking so, so, so many questions (he agreed to answer anything and everything), boundaries and baby steps. As we continue to progress in our journey many of the boundaries have changed, but we still talk often about “Katrina” so that way there is no elephant in the room. I still have my moments when I can’t believe this is my life, but so it goes.
I was probably a bit wordy, but I hope this helps you a little bit Birdie. You can also check out the private group on this site for “The Wives/Significant Others of Crossdressers”. You will find a mixed bag there of accepting wives and those who are still struggling with their partners dressing.
- June 28, 2022 at 11:25 am #659125Maive O’NealLadyRegistered On: May 18, 2022Topics: 1Replies: 40Has thanked: 52 timesBeen thanked: 131 times
Hi Birdie and welcome to CDH. I am new here also and for the same reason except I am the crossdresser. I recently came out to my wife and she has accepted the fact that I am a lifetime crossdresser. Though she does not want to participate. She has asked for time to come to terms with everything. I have given her that space out of respect and she is the love of my life.
I am also retired and we are hoping to travel. We are taking this a day at a time. If you want to talk go to my page and send me a message. That way questions can be answered in a more secure way. Take care and I wish you both the best. It won’t be easy but from what I have learned here at CDH anything is possible!!!
- June 28, 2022 at 10:16 am #659101LadyRegistered On: June 26, 2018Topics: 50Replies: 1445Has thanked: 386 timesBeen thanked: 5301 times
- June 28, 2022 at 10:10 am #659099LeahBaronessRegistered On: June 13, 2018Topics: 3Replies: 351Has thanked: 6471 timesBeen thanked: 1446 times
You have come to the right place for advice and support as you deal with your cross dressing spouse. Please feel free to ask this group any question you are comfortable with to help you better understand our need/desire to cross dress.
There are many ways he may or may not wish to dress up. Best thing is to have open and honest communications as to what both of you want and can handle and find some common ground hopefully. It seems like most of us have a lot of common traits. The biggest is that most of us are straight and do not wish to transition. We enjoy getting dressed up for a lot of the same reasons you enjoy it.
You have to think about what your limitation are, what can and are you willing to do to help or participate in his dressing. I am sure this is all a big shock to you, but it can also bring you much closer together as well. As this is a deep dark secret most of us hold very tight and very few people know about it as we are very hesitant to share it with just anyone.
Hope you get your answers and the support you are looking for .
- June 28, 2022 at 9:36 am #659094Jessica V.LadyRegistered On: October 16, 2018Topics: 1Replies: 34Has thanked: 21 timesBeen thanked: 120 times
Birdie, I first want to commend you in your approach. The fact that one of your initial actions is to reach out and find answers from someone or some group of people that may have an insight as to what you and your husband are experiencing should tell you that you’re going to be ok. You might not be as intolerant as you think. It will not be easy but I think Stephanie nailed it. When I first told my wife she was more hurt of the mistrust than the actual dressing. I don’t know if that’s the case with you but it seems to be a recurring theme with our SO’s when we come out. My wife and I went to counseling after I told her and pretty much said what Stephanie said. You both have to be comfortable and set boundaries as to what degree of this you BOTH are comfortable with. Also don’t be afraid to have very candid and awkward conversations. This something your husband has probably struggled with ALL his life and does not want to hide anything from you anymore. He loves you very much and I think you love him very much. This process is not easy but I will say, since I’ve come out to my wife, she herself says our marriage is stronger. She admitted to me a few year after I told her that I keep her and many others at arms length, only letting them in so much and she just accepted it. I’m happier with myself as I can be a better husband, father and friend to her. In marriage isn’t that all we want. Our SO is our best friend, lover, our better half and isn’t that all that matters.
I wish you best of luck and re-read what Stephanie wrote because she made some very good points.
- June 28, 2022 at 8:55 am #659089MaggiemaeLadyRegistered On: March 18, 2022Topics: 0Replies: 3Has thanked: 67 timesBeen thanked: 14 times
I was upfront with my SO from the beginning. I don’t like doing things behind her back. That being said I was apprehensive about coming out as a CD. Society has placed such a stigma / sterotypes on CD’rs. Which is a shame, with very few CD actually behaving like the perceived “man in women’s cloths” After all for me they are just cloths. This is refering to cross dressers. I actually would like to be outside with a dress on and feel the breeze go up my dress!
- June 28, 2022 at 8:47 am #659086Becky DavisLadyRegistered On: February 10, 2022Topics: 0Replies: 49Has thanked: 365 timesBeen thanked: 192 times
Howdy Birdie!!! I to am very conservative too and am kinda a newbie here too, but it is a great place to see what others have to say and the forums are fun to come to to see a lot of topics that I have been able to relate to and talk about.
- June 28, 2022 at 8:31 am #659082Stephanie FlowersAmbassadorRegistered On: June 26, 2017Topics: 35Replies: 6275Has thanked: 12261 timesBeen thanked: 12917 times
Birdie Welcome , this is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. For you it would be extremely difficult. I saw the shock from my wife as for us we were married for many years and only a short while ago that I opened up to her . The biggest concern was the mistrust I caused. Seeing her and the hurt that it caused was hard. We had many talks and through this agreements and guidelines were set and together were slowly working it out. But Cdh and it’s resources helped my wife and myself understand more about our individual troubles. I learned more about myself and she with help from a wonderful group we have here exclusive for my wife where many GG gals like yourself could receive the help and support to get the answers your wanted to know. This group – private ( wives and significant others ) .
For you special ladies where Cders are not allowed. Meet with them and get the support you need. Look into other forms written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topic. Things that I may say First, make sure that this is something you can deal with. If not, you need to make that clear and be honest with him and yourself
Just talk with him and find out how far he wants to take his cding. Find out his likes and how much he wants to dress up. If you can give him some space to store his clothes and some time to dress up. Sounds like you’ve taken the biggest step already in that you want to be supportive. He’s probably afraid of what you may be thinking and if you might leave him. The best way to approach this is to slowly gain his trust by answering his questions and giving advice when he asks for it. There are lots of ways to support your husband firstly – don’t judge, and talk to him, what does he like he is going to be super embarrassed so be nice. most guys have worn womans’ clothes at some point in their life and many still like to wear them.
First, figure out how far you’re comfortable with it. Some women simply tolerate and let their men enjoy it around the house while others totally embrace it and openly accompany their men in public as “girlfriends”. Also find out how far he wants to take it.
For him: How far does he intend/desire/need to take this to feel happy? Some men are content just “underdressing”, that is having the feel of something soft and feminine against their skin under their regular clothes. Some men want the whole outfit — undergarments, skirt/blouse or dress, whatever. Some men want to just briefly visit the total world of womanhood by adding the fake breasts, makeup, wig, etc. Some separate their “girl” time from the rest of their day by also going by a female-sounding name. Of those, some are perfectly fine (or even prefer) just staying home to do this, but others need to feel validated by attempting to pass in public and meet up with fellow part-time girls. men most of the time but need a little break from society’s demands on masculinity. But what if he wants to go farther? What if he wants to dress that way all the time, have you call him “her” and use a girl’s name? What if he wants hormone replacement therapy to grow real breasts? What if he wants the surgery? Now we’re talking serious and (more or less) permanent life-changing choices, and not many women are OK with that. Think of it as a breach of contract: You married him on the understanding that he was a straight, monogamous male and now he wants to change the terms of the contract you agreed to. So you should not feel obligated to accept that change or guilty about not wanting to support it. On the other hand, maybe your relationship is stronger, and more important to you, than a little thing like a sex change can’t stop that train.
Let’s assume for the moment that he is a straight, monogamous male who fully identifies as male and has no intention of any kind of permanent change. There’s still that whole range I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, and you probably have a line in your mind you’re not willing — or prepared — to cross, at least not yet. By the same token, though, he has an itch that has to be scratched one way or the other. I can tell you right now that it is very unlikely he will be able to suppress it completely, or permanently. Every crossdresser has gone through a purge process where we tell ourselves this was only a temporary phase; we throw out all our girly clothes and ignore that itch as long as we can. Some succeed! I have friends who, for religious reasons, feel compelled to suppress that urge and they have been very successful at doing so. If that’s something your husband is interested in. But they’re the exception. For most crossdressers, the compulsion is so strong that the longer we try to suppress it, the more of a psychological and emotional toll it costs. If you are unwilling to give in even a little bit, he’s going to have a very rough time of it
Other men have found similar halfway points: OK to dress at home, but not in public. OK to dress in public, but not where anybody knows you (e.g., another town). Everything except breasts is OK. Everything including breasts, but no female name. Dress and call yourself whatever you want, but go back to being all man when we’re being intimate. Do whatever you want, but not while the wife is around (“don’t ask, don’t tell”). When she really can’t bear the sight of him in femme mode, they can agree to give him specific days when he can do whatever he wants while she’s away from the house, but the rest of the time he agrees to be the man she married.
You get the idea. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. And nothing is set in stone. If you’re not comfortable with it, over time your boundaries may move. The important thing here is transparency: Once you’ve agreed to the boundaries, it’s on him to stick to what you agreed to until you’re ready to move on. I have absolutely no tolerance or sympathy for men who lie to their wives. Once that foundation of trust is demolished, it can take a lifetime to build it back up.
As a dress-wearing husband to an understanding wife, I thank you for taking this step to understand your man’s needs.
Many face this troubling ordeal but be assured you have support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. The best to you both as you venture through these new paths together . Very happy meeting you and welcome.
- June 29, 2022 at 5:15 am #659314Barb WireDuchess - AnnualRegistered On: September 16, 2021Topics: 17Replies: 703Has thanked: 4013 timesBeen thanked: 3302 times
My wife actually feels bad I’ve been forced to conceal my trans feelings for most of my life because of this presumed split between male and female roles (I became the primary caregiver for our growing children – and they’ve become incredibly successful – while my wife went to work as an executive in a pant-suit). I wonder what Deut. 22:5 would say about pant wearing feminists?
- June 28, 2022 at 2:11 pm #659156Barbie SatinRegistered On: May 15, 2022Topics: 1Replies: 193Has thanked: 443 timesBeen thanked: 675 times
- June 28, 2022 at 2:04 pm #659151Barb WireDuchess - AnnualRegistered On: September 16, 2021Topics: 17Replies: 703Has thanked: 4013 timesBeen thanked: 3302 times
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