This topic contains 10 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  Lauren Goldman 1 month ago.

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  • #154256

    Ashley CD
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    Registered On: January 23, 2019
    Topics: 3
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    Hi all! I’m super new here, but I would love if you wonderful ladies would be able to give me some advice. I’ll try to get you up to speed on my situation. About 5months ago I told my wife of 2 years (together for 9years total) the truth about my CDing. How I started when I was very young, how my past experiences have been both sexual and non-sexual in nature, how I don’t want to transition but do want to be able to freely express myself  present as female on occasion, etc… I’ve never had a chance to try makeup, shave, be in public, etc; I’ve been in the closet completely my whole life until now.

    Her response has been less than enthusiastic. She has been suffering from deep anxiety and sadness ever since I told her. She is currently in therapy to help her dealdwith this situation. She struggling less these days with the fact that I held this secret for so long (of which I’m extremely regretful of), but is still struggling greatly with the thought of me looking feminine. She has said multiple times “I don’t want a feminine husband”, ” I want to to look masculine all the time”. I completely understand if you his thinking though, don’t get me wrong, I understand this is a huge curve ball to throw at her. I have never been the most masculine guy however, and she has said before that’s one of the things she loves about me; that I’m not some manly macho guy who likes sports and power tools.

    We have tried progressing slowly, and I have had the chance to minimally dress in front of her a few times since I told her, but she is still (understandably) very uncomfortable with the situation. Although she has said “I support you”,  she has also admitted that she is constantly bombarded with the thought of me crossdressing, and get incredibly anxious and sad at the thought of it, and has to distract herself to get away from the bad thoughts. I guess I’m confused what she means by she supports me when she so clearly (actions and words) wishes that she didn’t have a husband who wants to crossdress, present as feminine and female occasionally, etc.

    I love my wife more than anything in the world and it pains me to think that this part of me causes her so much discomfort. I would do anything for her, but I fear that doing anything for her would also mean I have to give up something about myself that makes me who I am. I know she loves to to the moon and back too, and would never leave me over such a thing (unless I came out as trans which I’m definitely not).

    Sorry if this post was long and rambling, I just have so much to get off my chest. She isn’t to fond of the idea of me going on to websites and chatting with others about this, but I feel like I’m entitled to have some sort of peronal freedom for this matter. She’s even gone on this website to see if forums would help, but she was ultimately turned off when she saw people talking “badly” about their SOs.

    Anyways, if you’ve made it this far I appreciate it so so much. If anybody has any words of wisdom, etc, I would be so thankful. Shoot me a PM if you want to know more, or just let me know if you have anything that could help my situation.

    Thank you!

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  • #163359
     Lauren Goldman 
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    Registered On: March 17, 2019
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    Oh, Ashley. This must be hard for both of you.

    As with all things in a marriage, there is always a give and take. It sounds like now is the time to give your wife support and the space that she needs to work through her anxiety and depression. Talk to her about what sort of boundaries she would be comfortable with. Let her gather her thoughts on what specific fears that she has about your relationship and perhaps her emotional and financial security. She needs reassurance and time to figure things out.

    However eventually you should also have the opportunity to express yourself, your needs, and your own boundaries. If either partner in a relationship is asked to make all of the sacrifices or make all of the accommodations, it is going to lead to bigger problems down the road. It is best to take your time but make sure that everyone has input on the best solution.

    Take care of yourself and your wife,

    Lauren

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #162492
     Dawn Wyvern 
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    Registered On: February 23, 2019
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    Hi Ashley

    maybe point your wife to the woman’s forum on here which is just for spouses and no other members have access to it … she will have an opportunity to discuss her issues with others in the same situation and gain insight and support.

    There are other support groups available that do the same but being on here will give her an insight into the TG world and see that its not that unusual.

    just my thoughts

    Hugs

    Dawn x

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #162485
     Marissa Martin 
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    Registered On: March 22, 2019
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    The basic double standard, not blaming your wife, it’s just that women get deeply  offended if we tell them, we want them feminine all the time, women wear our clothes constantly. They can wear our boxers and go to the store. We can’t even wear boxers to the store lol. Let her soak it all in. Don’t push the subject, balance the masculine with the feminine side, it’s easy to just go to far and get selfish with crossdressing, and the anxiety of the wife not only accepting it, but to be part of it. Women find out that it benefits them greatly, to have a partner that has more interest in things women like, like a shopping partner, among much more. Good luck. Took some time for mine to understand and accept. Now she loves it, she buys me things, we shop. Best friend’s more than ever.

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    • #163344
       Khloe West 
      Participant
      Registered On: August 27, 2015
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      Well said, and once processed and digested? Wife and I are on better terms now tha we’ve ever been. It just takes time to evolve.

  • #160605
     LacyGirl 
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    Registered On: March 4, 2019
    Topics: 3
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    I’m in the same boat sister. Please PM me if you need support.

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #160146
     Khloe West 
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    Registered On: August 27, 2015
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    Be you and engage!

    You seem a lovely and level headed sort. Encouragement and acceptance mean the world to “us”.

    🙂

     

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #155555
     Stephanie Flowers 
    Ambassador
    Registered On: June 26, 2017
    Topics: 9
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    Ashley, your dressing for now should be done away from your wife. I’m not saying in a bad way to hid it just away from her seeing it . Times can be when she out and about and all put away when she home. She for what I see is very upset and for good reason. For me I held this secret for many years. And when the time can that I did opened up to her I too saw that hurt and anger as she was completely in shock of my desires. Fears that seams to be mentioned was as she  said not wanting a feminine  husband. True very true as she married her love , her man someone that she accepted as who you appears to her and expects. Life was set in her mine with a relationship agreed to  when married. We have taken this course and severely Twisted it and worst is she had no ideal how this would happen. My wife’s concerns  in this was yes why now and being told so late in our marriage  but her biggest issue was the MISTRUST that has been showen. Our relationship we had pride  in being  honest to each other but  now holding secrets between us and after 40 was in her words ( not cool) . Other questions too, are you gay , do you want to transition,  are you going to leave and on and on. U know this and her afraid of losing her man. After many talks and guidance to her requests I assure her I’m still her man and always will but. The love to dress was for me and only to experience a release of lifes stresses and needed it to help in settling my spirited attitude as anger was always bothering me and could never relax. Not from her or  our  marriage and family  but just  being male and dealing with life itself .I explained to her how at ease I feel and certainly calmer in my feelings when I can get out of my skin and be drawn to something more comfortable and peaceful.  I explained that this really helps, it’s not sexual in any way and not looking for other people to be with.  Therapies have a mentioned  for me,  for her,  for us but we’re still working this out and for now we’re not looking that way. But those possibilities are still there. Just let her know first a formost you love her, need her and  still her man now and always. If she need her man you will be there. listen to her ,when she requires answers  her questions, be totally honest and sincere. You may need help to understand yourself , BUT she must have the understanding that your willing to be open on everything that’s your thinking . Love  are the most important thing in every relationship, everything else is not including your dressing. If I had to stop dressing  to save my marriage,   Stephanie wouldn’t be here . Best to you both and hope compromises will be made.

    Stephanie 🌹

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  • #154302
     MacKenzie Alexandra 
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    Registered On: May 20, 2016
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    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Ashley,</p>
    I agree with Lisa that attending a therapist together could be very helpful. Also, continue to be the husband with whom your wife fell in love. Remember how long you ha e wrestled with your feelings. It should be a surprise that your wife is wrestling with hers. You will need to be supportive and ready to answer all questions honestly.  Don’t also be afraid to step back occasionally. This is a journey – there is no direct path.

    MacKenzie Alexandra

    5 users thanked author for this post.
  • #154282
     Lisa watson 
    Participant
    Registered On: September 24, 2018
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    Hello Ashley,

    I’d start researching a gender therapist that you both could go to. I don’t think your wife will be able to sort out her feelings without one.

    Lisa
    🙂

    1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #154274
     Barbara 
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    Registered On: December 4, 2018
    Topics: 9
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    Has thanked: 213 times
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    Hi Ashley

    First of all, welcome to your safe heaven! Everyone here will show you loving support!

    The coming out phase can be very difficult for everyone involved. Spouses have 1000’s of scenarios running through their heads about what this means. Deceit, loss of my man, and humiliation are just a short list of them. She’s scared, you’re scared and a whole lot of talking has to happen between you two.

    I wish you the best with this and know that us gurls will help if you need us.

    Barbara

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