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Hi everyone, I’m new here and really needing some support and advice. I’ll try to keep the background story as short as I can.
I married the love of my life last year. We spent many years apart after meeting and then got together. It was a romance of movies. He is everything I ever had been missing in all my other relationships: funny, adventurous, supportive, thoughtful, a great cook, and so sexy and masculine. Works out and enjoys keeping himself in great shape.
He told me very early on in the relationship that he had a secret he needed to tell me because he loved me and wanted to be fully honest in our relationship. So he told me about CD and showed me briefly himself dressed up. I had a million questions so I read books and asked questions and he seemed open to talking. We made a big mistake early on and when he was dressed up we had sex and it really turned me off.
That is when everything changed. I can’t handle it. I don’t mind if he does it, although it bothers me because he only wants to when he is feeling badly about himself. But I don’t want to talk about it, and I have said that I would like him to do it when I’m gone. I don’t want to help him pick clothes or have him comment all the time when we are watching tv about how cute women’s clothing is because it turns me off. I don’t want to feel turned off by my lover and this man I truly adore. He feels lonely doing it alone and so it keeps coming up and he doesn’t seem to respect my boundaries on it. In fact he once mentioned I should get some help so I can get better about it. He can dress at home but can’t go out where we live so I understand it takes some fun away if he wishes he could be with another person while he is dressed but if I’m his person, shouldn’t he respect my boundaries?
The worst part is recently he decided to tell someone behind my back while I was gone and he was dressed. It was my adult child who is not his and is extremely close to me. He asked it to be a secret. When I returned home two days later he said nothing. I then got a phone call from my child asking if it is true. I was caught off guard and devastated. Heartbroken that he betrayed that trust between us. I lied and told her he was probably drunk and kidding. This is not something he had the right to tell her without input from me and he knows that. I confronted him that same evening and it has been a mess in our home ever since. I’m heartbroken. I love him so much. Now when I want to work through this he won’t talk about it, he’s acting like he’s the worst person in the world and did something irreparable and I’ll never get over it and it will destroy our marriage. It’s like he almost wants it to because my gosh I never said that and there are far worse things he could have done. He did wrong, but now he is acting like the one who was wronged and won’t work through it.
Here’s what I’m needing help on most:
1. Should I have to work on this to accept it more if doing so in the past has made me turned off by him and distant for days after he does it?? Why would he want to keep risking my attraction to him?
2. Can’t he just be happy that I DO NOT mind if he does it, as long as I don’t have to hear about it or be here?
3. It seems like all the posts I read are people who feel positive about feeling feminine but he never describes it that way. An escape from life, yes. But should I be concerned that he only seems to CD when he is completely stressed out and expressing a lot of self-hatred??
4. I understand that he’s the same person. I don’t fully understand my reaction being so negative to it. I hate his shaved chest. I like his hair. He’s so masculine and sexy and he did tell me early, when I could have walked away from the relationship but I didn’t. I think I hate it more and more because he’s not respecting my boundaries on it. Any input here would help me. I am not a woman who enjoys makeup or getting dressed up so I just don’t fully understand maybe? I don’t know.
im just lost and so hurt right now
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