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A bit of Q&A here in the classroom of crossdresser coming out 101…. A little hump day thought. Now, this is obviously directed towards you girls who have come out – even if in a limited way – at a later stage in life. Ugh, I hate that term, lol. But I was asked this by a family member recently and I thought it was a legitimate question. “Why, now in your 50’s did you decide to tell us, Stevie?” I’m asked. Now they ask this knowing I have felt like this since a young age…. so why now? For a lot of us it may be an issue of the kids having grown up and moved out that made it easier, or a failed relationship that made us reassess things. Something that made us rethink our lives in some way after so many years…. Sometimes is just a simmering pot that finally boils over. There does seem to be a healthy percentage of girls here in that group here among us who would ask themselves ” why the (fornication) did I wait so long “?!?
I had to tell my bro – who still can’t stop calling me bro, btw, lol – that there was more than just one thing. Our father had passed away long enough ago, our mother was fading, and covid had reared its ugly head last spring. Myself I didnt want to die of any stupid virus and be found not have shared who I am with my loved ones. That, combined with that middle age sort of feeling thing, out of a relationship and then job, and an attitude of what the hell do I have to lose, I finally decided why not?
Then it gets to the stage where you have to apologize and explain just why you waited so long…🙄. It’s like, “Oh, by the way, this ain’t easy!” Lol. But really, decades? Things have been “better” in the way of coming out for a while now. Did it really take me that long? I’ve procrastinated on things before, but I set a record with this one! It’s a legitimate question I had to admit to him. So, why now if you were able to live with it this long?
Because I’m a girl and I’m allowed to change my mind!! 😅😅 ?
Just wanted to share that thought. I’m sure us more mature sisters all have our reasons for waiting quite as long as we did. Definitely better late then never tho’, eh? 😁
Stevie
Great question Stevie. I ask myself “why now?” probably more than I ask myself “why do you do this?”. The answer is definitely all of those things you mentioned. For me specifically; empty nest, retirement, more self assured as an older matron. Add the affirmation from my incredibly understanding wife, whose support I should never, ever have underestimated, and I think you have the answer.
Best,
Clara
You waited so long because, 30-years ago, things were very different.
I suspect that ‘masquerade’ laws were likely in effect. You could lose employment, family even your life. You could be arrested, publicly shamed in the newspapers, thrown into prison while still ‘dressed’, brutalized by homophobic police, etc., etc. and there was nothing you could do because it was all legal. There was ‘avoidance therapy’ (electroshock) dismissal from religious institutions, gay-bashing, and there was nothing you could do because it was legal, you had no rights and organized resistance was limited.
Anyone under 30-years-of-age (never trust anyone under 30) would not know this as Internet History really does not fully cover that ancient period.
Also less obligations, open relationships, modified attitudes and changing opportunities may have made you feel more confident and have limited the possibility of negative consequences. Maturity, increased independence and knowledge prepared you for any remnant negativity that you might encounter.
Basically, it is getting better just so incrementally that sometimes we do not notice just how much better.
Araminta.
You are right. Things do get incrementally better. Then I hear all these lucky girls who transitioned 10 or 20 years ago. I envy them. 🙂
I wish I had known more over 50-years ago, but I try not to let the bitterness of regrets tarnish my severely limited present experiences. I just hope that a better understanding of male wanting to be feminine will help others
That is why I get so worked up about terminology; because I believe it is inaccurate, misleading, based on false premises and erroneous interpretations leading to gross misunderstandings and therefore those inaccuracies are harmful. Like the question on passing.
It is true that some males need to be a ‘female’ as possible to the point where they are permanently and legally designated as such. (Sort of like ‘corporation’ is a legal, technical term for a ‘person’ for contracts, insurance, and other business dealings but a ‘corporation’ cannot vote.)
However, most people do not recognize that wanting to be pretty and feminine does not necessarily incorporate that need. They still believe that gender and sex are the same thing (and this belief is affecting the effectiveness of positive legislation (i.e., a clear and precise definition of gender identity rather than a nebulous, undetermined concept) and permitting the adoption of some really revolting legislation) and they cannot recognize that a male can be a woman in every respect except in matters of reproduction.
Phrases like ‘opposite genders’ make me cringe. The genders are not opposites any more than science fiction is the opposite of westerns in genres (French for gender by the way) in cinema. They are just different styles of behavourial patterns.
But even worse, they mean ‘gender’ to mean ‘sex’ (male-female) and the belief that the sexes (reproductive sections of a species) are ‘opposites’ is demeaning, conducive to promoting conflict (the so-called ‘War of the Sexes’), promotes othering and is simply sexist. The sexes are a co-operative binary essential the survival of the species. There is no ‘opposite’ involved.
Araminta.
For me, years of being expected to be alpha male in the job and most personal friendships meant that not only was it risky to reveal (still is) but dressing was also a private way of shedding stresses of what society required of me and even rebelling a bit.
All too true Vecca, like myself. The life we are forced to live in the harder times. But even 10 years ago things should have been easy enough that I regret the delay.
Very good question !
When I first met my then g/f (now wife), I wanted to tell her about Wendy. But of course I didn’t want to scare her off right off the bat by bringing my femme self. So I waited abit. Then we got to discussing dating history, and she said that her last b/f was a CDer, and because of old age my memory isn’t what it used to be, I do remember her saying something like “I would never date another CDer”.
Well, that put me in a tough conundrum. Here I am, a CDer, and she just said she would never date another CDer. So I kept my mouth shut.
After dealing with medical issues and now stabilized, I could not hold Wendy back much longer, so I waited about 10+ years to come out. She did ask me why I didn’t say so sooner, but I mumbled something and she just let it go.
Stevie;
Fantastic post and question!.
Simple facts are along the lines of:
- Learnt early that it was unacceptable (about 5 with school)
- Learnt that I need to suppress anything feminine to avoid bullying and ridicule
- Suppressed it by telling myself it was a kink (Teenager and adult life)
- Got busy with wife, career and family and ‘let it out’ occasionally (but squashed it as much as possible)
- Realized it wasn’t a kink, but part of a deeper story, and that’s when I came out to my wife…. Suddenly too many things made sense to us, and we’re still trying to deal with it.
“Why?” is harder, but it’s there. The signs have always been there and I really don’t know what to make of it all. I’m a poster child for it can’t be ignored and it’s going to come back stronger.
I think that in my case it was pure stubbornness and a pure large dose of fear that stopped me from admitting to myself and others how I felt about wanting to be pretty (not handsome) and comfortable.Times were very different 50 years ago, and I was already behind the eight ball by being the smallest of my age, so I had a lot of examples of why appearing/behaving feminine was bad, and I carried these into my Adulthood, never asking if my understanding was correct. Spent a lot of unhappy and angry years before I found a reason I’d accept. The family blamed prescription drugs I was on as it was a known side effect and I never questioned if that was or was not the reason. Now I’m not so sure that the drugs were the reason, and I never asked myself “how I had a kink at 5” for all those intervening years…….
Why now? “I just want to be at peace with myself, my wife, and daughters.” That may never be, but we’re trying. I’m not going to make them miserable by wandering around in a funk all the time, because I know it makes them worried and sad when I’m sad, and I’m too aware now to be able to suppress without being incredibly sad.
– Molly
Hi Stevie,
I have wondered if some of it has to do with the internet and sites like this. Plus there are blogs by trans people.
Eva
I was an early starter and first dressed in my infant years, 6-9 yr old, however others I know had never even considered dressing till their mid 30’s or later, then going from ‘zero to full time hero’ in less than a year.
I have supported a lot of people who wished to transition, some early birds like me, others late bloomers; the late bloomers often mention the need to dress and progress was like an ‘alarm bell’ going off in their life and there was no way that they could ignore it.
When the ‘bell’ goes, they found it drowned out all other logical thoughts and the only thing was to progress and transition at all costs, often losing family, friends, job and security. The only thing that mattered was the ‘bell’.
Maybe for early birds like me, I had time to become aware of my compulsion and taper it to suit my lifestyle as it was always there. However my ‘bell’ would ring louder when I had a period of not being able to dress and the compulsion increased to block other aspects of my life.
Just my musings !
Dawn x
Timing regret is going to happen to most of us, one way or another. After high school, I moved away from my hometown, only an hour drive, but it was far enough and big enough that I really never ran into people I had grown up around that really cared to recognize me if they saw me. I came out publicly then, but only in the circles that I partied in and associated with. They knew I me as a gay CD.
When I moved back home after my mother passed, it was only a couple of months before my sister found out my secret. She had guessed several years before that I liked the company of men, it was no big deal to her. Finding her long missed younger sister was the big shock, to us both. Neither of us was really prepared for that revelation, but it was such a real non-event after it was all over with that day.
It was ’92, and I was 31 years old. Not old, but not in my youth either. Once it happened, I questioned why I didn’t tell people sooner. Sis asked me the same thing several times now when we sit and talk about it. Some of the people in town that have learned about me have also asked.
My biggest regret was not telling my mom about her 2d daughter, and my sis thinks she would have been more than okay knowing about me, and she would have loved having a younger sister in our teen years.
I don’t think it matters a great deal whether you have a tough time getting through your debut or if you are accepted well by most people. I have talked with a few sisters that came out in their early 20’s, and even two that were out as teenagers. Almost to a person, they have some regrets of not being able to come out earlier, for one reason or another.
To some of us older girls, it looks so much easier for girls to take that leap than it did for us, now matter how long ago we did it. But, no matter how we all see it, coming out even today, can be downright terrifying to most girls, and if we are able, they need to see and know that we support them, and can be here to help them get over that obstacle.
PaulaF
Great question, and thanks for asking it! I am in the process of writing down what I want to say as I am planning on coming out to my SO in the next couple of weeks. You and others here have been very helpful in questions and answers that will probably come up. For me, my feminine persona has become a bigger part of my life since the shutdown and I feel that it is not right to keep the secret from her anymore. Fear has held me back so far- and I still am fearful and want to chicken out! However, even announcing my intention here makes me accountable to you lovely ladies.
Jamie, good on you for deciding to tell your SO! Congratulations on that. We won’t let ya chicken out of it now, lol! Seriously though, writing down what you want to say and thinking of any answers to possible questions is a great idea. When the story does come out, sometimes your thinkin’ gets a bit loosey goosey. Well, mine did anyway!
Good luck hon!
Not so much now, as when I “discovered” CDH over 2 years ago…
Realising for the first time just how many there are of us, and the legitimacy of CDing, I felt like I had cheated myself out of my real life to date.
That was it.
I knew it anyway, but time for the world to know I’m a cross dresser and blinking well deal with it, because I am done hiding it and living a lie.
I want to live the dream.
And the dream includes cross dressing time.
I had no idea back then just how potent Laura is, but, after the first full day out, my world was rocked to its core.
My 50th may be behind me, but the rest of my days are going to count. Every moment lived the best it can be.
Now is the happiest time of your life.
(Daevid Allen)
Love Laura
Laura
You are just AMAZING and wise!!
You always have some fantastic responses. I can almost always take away a snippet or two from you and give myself even greater confidence.
Laura you are an inspiration here! Thank you!!
I too am done hiding it, an similar to you, my first night out as Robyn was amazing and I have never regretted coming out!!
XO Robyn 🤗❤️💋
Stevie
What a great topic, thank you!
So why now? Well the short answer is shame and humiliation!
That’s why for me definitely! Growing up in the 80’s, I new I was different. Dressing was very much frowned upon…at least until Dustin Hoffman did Toostie!! Yet even then, only acceptable in film to laugh at as comedy.
I continued to hide like so many of us, into my 20’s as I served in the Navy and then trying to worry about the usual like job and girlfriend and eventually Wife and kids.
Initially Wife accepted it, then changed her mind. So it was to the closet I go and did away with it. Still there but to everyone non-existent.
Here finally after winding up with and empty nest and ex-wife. Im finally by myself and at 49 can finally live as my true and authentic self. I haven’t come out to my kids, in time, but I am out and about usually on weekends and I couldn’t be happier.
So YES, better late than never. Everything happens for a good reason.
XO Robyn 🤗❤️💃
| Well for me it’s a little different than some. I got married in 1985 and was kindof heavy into cross dressing from 79 to 84 at that time only went out for a drive a few times and did go into a Pennies’ store only to chicken out and leave just after walking in. By 1983 the fear of getting caught and just got tired of just dressing for myself, I purged and thought I was done with it. After I got married I would occasionally CD- usually connected with arousal, But sometimes just for the pleasure of wearing feminine clothing. Forward to March of 2019 and the desire suddenly became overwelming. At that time we had been divorced 8 or 9 years (nothing to do with CD), the house is nearly unsellable, she is a hoarder. I went though containers and picked out a few pretty, silky pieces of clothing and was started on the road. By sept. I had purchased a few items- shoes, pant hose and a dress.
| One evening she came into my area (she has upstairs and I have the basement) and caught me wearing a bra she had thrown away weeks earlier and my new flats that were setting next to me. The first thing she did was to tell our 3 grown kids. This was also the same month I found CDH.
| over the next year covid hit, I let my hair grow out, and she started to threaten to tell my brothers and my mother. After months of reading the posts here at CDH I decided enough is enough in Sept of 2020 my state had partially opened up and I went to Ulta to have my now shoulder length hair colored, Dressed totally in fem. Over the next 3 months I told 3 of my 4 brothers and 3 nieces. So far all good outcomes and my X has little to threaten me with!!
| In many ways I am glad that this came out to them when it did because if I would have told the wife way back then I would not have my 3 wonderful kids and 2 great grandkids.
| SandyStevie,
I don’t know why now. Mid life crisis? I have friends getting divorced and buying $70,000 cars, both of them. I have done some silly stuff but I can always sell for way more than I spent. I buy properties. At 50 do we really care what others think? I am starting to care about what I think. I can look into a mirror and like what I see. I have spent a lifetime looking for that kind of piece.
❤️
OctaviaWell, I’m into my family genealogy,
my father’s grandfather-one of 8 or 9 offspring, only two married, boy and girl. Hmmm
one of them was my father’s father – 3 total siblings, only 1 married.
my father, 3 kids, all 3 married
me and my siblings kids, all into or rapidly approaching middle-age – 6 total only 4 married.
I also suspect my grandfather and father were somewhere on the LGBTQI spectrum, but those were eras where if you were able, you got married, had kids. And I suspect there’s some minor gene that pops up now and then that whatever it does, it doesn’t encourage marriage and kids, and some of us have overcome it, but still live with certain desires.
Me? I always wanted kids, tough to remain single and start the steps to transition….and have kids.
Choices, like we all have and have to make at various times in our lives. I have four beautiful grandchildren, love them all dearly, but the odds of all 4 marrying and maybe having kids? I’d say less than 10%. And I would be surprised (maybe shocked) if none of them are on the above spectrum.So, coming out? Well, sites like this help a lot, besides all the stories, and related positive steps, we can see that there are a lot more people like ourselves then we might have imagined some time ago. It helps a lot to see and feel and appreciate the support we give each other here. Helps build our confidence in ourselves, so hopefully we can all come out, not just to each other here but to the world at large.
For me, the moment will come when one of my kids or grandkids feels confident enough to come to me and suggest he or she is ready to bare the soul, and I will be more than happy to listen, to give support and to share my soul as well.
Some really insightful thoughts here, “why now” for me is because I now have a house to myself and no S.O. or children to consider, but I had found myself wondering what was going on as I started to delve more deeply into crossdressing over the past year or two after a break away (almost, it was always there peeking out from behind the wall I had built) for about10 – 15 years. Now I am slowly assembling a wardrobe and looking forward to venturing out en femme – discovering CDH has been a godsend, knowing that others have walked the same path and are still whole and happy gives me hope that I can now be Diana and let her bloom.
Diana 💋
I’ve always been a private person, with few friends. I like it that way, and I have fewer friends today than I did when I was younger. My family has also dwindled down to nothing, most have died and the rest I don’t speak to because they’re not nice people anyway.
So what I am saying is, the life I lead now as an open crossdresser isn’t that open because no one cares if I go outdoors dressed as a ‘woman’. There’s no one to justify this to. And that’s great for me. I do feel for those who are married, have wives that do not understand – or children who think their dad is gay because he likes wearing nice female clothing. There is a lot of ignorance about. No, your dad is not gay! Well, more often than not he isn’t.
So, in summing up, yeah people are a bother.’Friends and family’ are a bother. Why the hell should you have to justify or make excuses to them. You only get one life. Live it the way YOU WANT.
Great topic Stevie. At 51 myself and in the early stages of transitioning I know my answer is this. We hide for so long. We always think tomorrow is a better time than today. Coming out today would hold so many pains and complications. Then one day we realize there are just not that many tomorrows left in our time on this planet and the egg cracks. With far less tomorrows ahead of me than yesterdays behind me, I have finally decided to be HAPPY. Which means being the real ME that was painfully hidden away for so long. What days I have left will be for what I want for me, not for what others want from me. Love to all of you on this wonderful life-changing site
Plumb, darling… you have it the proverbial nutshell!
For me it was a series of accidents and head trauma that have changed my brain’s plasticity! In dealing with head/brain trauma especially where a bleed has occurred one must establish new neural pathways around the damaged area in order to continue functioning.
My series of traumas meant that in doing so I had to say “goodbye” to many of my male traits that made Brian possible. Now Polly, my female anima was waiting in the wings so to speak to take up the reins and to drive forward as she used different neural pathways and systems to function fully!
This is not to say that all of the skill sets Brian had developed were lost… Polly was able to take up where Brian couldn’t. My wife said that Brian died three years ago and Polly emerged maybe two years since.
Would I have continued being Brian, the alpha male, in perpetuity had brain injuries not forced me to reevaluate? Most certainly… I was an alpha male by all and every account! l say “Hallelujah”!Ooppps… sorry, back. To you Plumb
As a PS maybe a good read is “A ghost in my Brain” by Clarke Elliott
Plastic Polly… sounds like Plastic Bertrand of the 80s 💋💋💋
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