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Hello Everyone, I am fairly new here. I am seeking some advice, I have been a closet dresser since childhood. I recently opened up and told my fiancé, she took it well I think. Her concern is that I wish to be a woman full time which is not the case, I am seeking some advice on how or what I should do that will help her understand and maybe accept it? Look forward to your advice thanks, Mike(Mikayla)
Hello Mikayla,
Im Ashley and my wife asked me the same question when I came out to her about 5 years ago now. Yes I try to reassure her that even as much as I love Ashley I will still be the man she married. We try and work on things so we are both happy and respect each other’s wishes and guide lines we use regarding my Ashley time.
ThanksAshley.
Opening up first is absolutely the brave and right thing to do. Nothing is more corrosive to a relationship than finding out after lifelong commitment has been made. Congratulations on being brave. Just be honest with your fiancé as your relationship moves on. As Inga says, “We are all rooting for you and your fiancé”.
HRxxMikayla, you are so brave and correct in telling your fiance. For myself I purged a couple of years before getting married, I thought I was over all this cross dressing stuff. That was 37 or 38 years ago. Now I just want to dress up more all the time, even at least underdress most of the time.
If you truely love your girl you may need to be willing to cut back on Mikayla time so she can have Mike, the man she fell in love with . Unless she is that rare woman who see you as one person no matter how you are dressed. keep the lines of communication open and be honest. AND THE BEST OF LUCK TO THE BOTH OF YOU.
Sandy
Hi Mikayla,
You are in the same shoes I was over 25 years ago. I too told my wife about Rebecca when we were engaged. Definitely the right thing to do. I would love to tell you that I know of a magic way to make your fiancé concerns go away immediately, but if she’s anything like my wife, she’ll have that concern for a while. The best advice that I can give you, is to be patient and loving.
I don’t know how familiar your fiancé is about crossdressing, but if she’s new to it, she’s trying to figure it all out, and it will take her some time to do it. Remember, you’ve had your whole life to deal with it.
My best advice is to acknowledge her concerns and let her know that they are valid ones. I don’t know how far you are in exploring your feminine side, but if there are things that you’d still like to do as Mikayla that you haven’t done or shared with her, you should let her know. If you are not sure, let her know that too, however, draw the line that you know you won’t cross (i.e. you will not go through HRT, or get an operation) and tell her that. It’s all about managing expectations. In my case, I wanted to go out dressed up in public in a regular basis (at the time I was only dressing up in private). I didn’t tell her that and through the years, every time I wanted go out dressed in public, she would question how far I was going to take it.
I wish both of you the best of luck, and I’m really glad that you told her before getting married.
Rebecca
Well done for being upfront and telling your fiance – it definitely is the right thing to do.
From a wife’s view, all I can say is keep talking, give her time, learn together what this means for you both (I highly recommend both of you read Living with Crossdressing – defining a new normal by Savannah Haulk – it explains so much and both my husband and I read it at the same time and we both learnt so much and it opened up so many conversations while offering reassurance to us both).
We have a Wives, Partners & SOs group on here she can join as well so she can speak to others in the same position as well and ask for advice, or even just reassurance that she’s normal and it’s OK to be OK with it as that’s important as well.
Congratulations Mikayla on the courage to be honest with your fiance. It’s wonderful that you two can communicate about it. I too have been a crossdresser since childhood. As Celeste so wisely said, be aware that things may change for you over time. I suppressed myself for the sake of relationships for a long, long time and now at 51 I am beginning transition. If you had asked me at 25 if I would ever transition I would have said “heck no, I’m ‘just’ a crossdresser” but over the years, with therapy and finally some honesty with myself, I have found I both want to and NEED to transition. All I can say is keep those lines of communication with your fiance open throughout – and always be truthful to yourself and to her. I wish you two the absolute best.
Hugs
Ames
Well done you, very brave and very correct, as everyone already said. Communication and honesty are all you need. Answer all her questions as honestly as you can, and when the answer is “I don’t know” then it’s the correct answer to give too. Be yourself, as Inga says, and be reassuring that your love for your SO isn’t different just because you have a feminine side.
Bridgette
Hi Mikayla
Firstly well done for telling your fiancé, it is definitely the right thing to do.
Secondly, as everyone will tell you, keep talking to her, it is the only way to help her. And as a wife of a cross dresser, I would say that she might not always know what questions to ask or how to ask them so don’t wait for her to talk to you, make sure that you bring it up regularly or at least keep asking her how she is doing.
Good luck, keep reassuring her and I hope that it continues to go well for you both.
It’s never easy telling the one person you love the most, my wife asked me one night if I wanted to try her stockings on, she did not know at that time I had been doing it for years, so I broke it two her slowly, now one day a week I fully dress in her clothes and then we end up making love which is fantastic, just be open and honest and keep talking.
Hi Mikayla nice to meet you and as everyone has said take your time and keep communicating with your Fiance as we say here take baby steps little at a time and just listen from your heart and be truthful to her as now was a perfect time to come out to her .. I waited till i was married just a week before i came out to my wife and it worked out as married 37 years march will be 38 so she was very accepting and supportive of Stephanie we still sit and have conversations to this day about things and im happy to answer to best i can .. good luck girlfriend and keep us up your progress as the girls we are here we care and support you every step of your journey into womanhood ..
Stephanie Bass
Great job on telling her up front, this will go a long ways with her trusting you. Keep open and honest communication and take is slow. Check with her on how she is feeling and if she has ANY questions…answer them fully and honestly. You might want to share various positive articles off the internet that may help her to understand it.
Hi Mikayla!
I can echo what the other Girls have already said…
First, its great work on telling her up front. That part is out of the way now.
What can you do to help her understand its not full time? This is where your actions will speak to her much louder than words.
Accepting it? That will take time. How much time? That will depend on how true your actions are.
If its not full time, then being “drab” the majority of the week shouldn’t be a problem for you…but SHE has to see that. Maybe ask her to pick certain days and time and stick to what she gives you.
Check in with her often and see how she’s feeling about it. Give her full respect, space and time to process it all and accept it.
XO Robyn 🤗❤️
For my two cents worth…
I’m certain women in general would feel a certain amount of antipathy towards a divulgence like this. You have to remember that your journey is not fully hers yet.
Will you both want children? A huge question… she may feel as though her child bearing is being devalued or even taken away! If this is more of a sexual thing then it may be incorporated into your intimate relationship, if more of a desire to begin some sort of transition then that will alter everything.
Talk, talk, talk… and jaw some more! It’s only when one has the fullest information possible that one can make sensible decisions, eh!
(See, I can talk Canadian too, eh)
My wife and I had many discussions on what becoming Polly would mean for our relationship and to say that some discussions became tense is an understatement! However, that might be we have come forward to a point where it is ‘our’ journey now. Admittedly, we have the experience of age on our side and I can imagine how fraught all this may seem.Be confident and inclusive in your approach, Mikayla
Hugs Polly
Hi Mikayla;
Great advice and statements here from the girls… I’d just like to add,
- You have no real influence on what she thinks from moment to moment, and there’s going to be some things where she simply goes in a direction that you’re not going. These are going to floor you and often catch you by surprise… Expect them and don’t let your reactions get the better of you.
- Her feelings are going to change, so even if you think you know what she was feeling and thinking be aware that it may not be the case today. You’re going to need to walk a fine line between asking what she’s thinking and feeling about something you’ve already discussed and making sure it still holds true when a comment, expression or action indicate that it might have changed.
- Her expectations about the gravity of things is at times very different from yours, so there will be times when both of you feel very differently about the significance of words and actions. I think that this is often the real root of the experiences above.
I wish you and your fiance all the success and happiness you can find, and a long fulfilling life together.
I wish I was self aware enough to have been able to make the same statements myself 30+ years ago.
-Molly
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