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First, I want to re-introduce myself. I’m Tara Jeane and I’ve been a member here on CDH (the best place on the internet) since 12/16/20. It’s been a while since I’ve posted or hung out here much. Not really on purpose. Just busy and life gets in the way. But I feel what I did today needs to be posted just to let you know it can be done.
Ladies, I can honestly tell you that I NEVER thought I’d be making this post in the forums. I just never thought I could do it. But, this morning, I did.
I don’t know what it was about this morning. I was doing some stuff and needed to take out some trash and I always put on a skirt to take out the trash. It’s just one of those things that gives me a quick opportunity to dress, even if it’s just a little.
So I took the trash out to the trash can and came back upstairs. I stood there for a second. I knew my wife would be up any minute and I just decided…today is the day. I just can’t hide it any longer. I fed the dogs and when I was finished, I heard her come out of the bedroom. My flight instinct almost took over but I was like NO! It’s time.
I called out good morning and she said it back and I walked around the corner in my skirt.
She came out of the bedroom and she said, what are you wearing? Is it a long t-shirt?
I said, No. It’s a skort.
WHY are you wearing a skort?
Because I like them….and I have to tell you something else. I also like dressing as a woman. (Some background, I’ve been wearing leggings around the house since I’ve been a member here. I just told her that I thought they were super comfy and it took a bit, but she became fine with me wearing them around the house. We also bought the same pair of ladies Skecher’s shoes cuz I said I really liked them. She said, but they have a pink logo and I colored mine blue, so she was good with that also.)
She was (expectedly) a bit dumbfounded. We both sat down and I told her how I’ve wanted to and have worn women’s clothes starting as a kid. I’ve always thought women’s clothes were prettier, more fun and what I’ve wanted to wear, but I couldn’t unless I was alone. I told her that when I had the chance to do it through junior high and high school, I would transform into Tara. She asked, who is Tara? Me! I’m Tara. She said, really? You were actually a girl when you dressed? Absolutely. Did your parents know? NOBODY knew. The weird thing is when I went away to college, somehow I buried that part of myself until December of 2020 when I was putting my hair in a ponytail in the mirror and EVERYTHING came flooding back. She said, Oh my God. That part of yourself was gone for over 30 years? Yep. And I tried to stop after those first couple of months and I can’t. This is part of my being and truly who I am.
She asked, you’re not going to BECOME a woman, are you? I said I had no plans to transition and that I’m a cross dresser and gender fluid. Sometimes I like projecting as male and sometimes female. She asked if it went beyond skirts. Do you wear a bra? Yes. Do you have women’s clothes hidden somewhere? Yes. Are they prettier than mine? (That was funny and we both laughed.) I said not necessarily. But I do really like tennis skirts. Where did you get your clothes? Mostly Goodwill. She knew I frequented thrift stores looking for shirts I could tie dye, but didn’t know about me buying women’s clothes (obviously, since I JUST told her) and I didn’t go into the EXTENT of my clothing collection (OR SHOES!) since I didn’t want to over burden the discussion, so there’s still some stuff there to review as time goes on.
So far, she’s understanding, but she said she doesn’t want to see me dressed. She said she’s fine with me wearing leggings, but doesn’t really want to see me wearing skirts. I have a feeling that over time, she’ll let me, but we’ll see. The ONLY way that I will do that is if she comes to ME and says you can wear your skirts. I will not bring it up again, unless prompted. I told her that I knew this was a lot to process and I’m sure she’d have questions. All you have to do is ask and I’ll be as honest as I can.
Overall, it was really positive and that is a HUGE WEIGHT lifted off of my shoulders! I honestly thought I would take this to the grave unless she found out somehow. Now, I’ll be waiting for the ‘Whiplash Effect’ that we’ve heard so many times at CDH where the wife was initially understanding and then, not so much. Hopefully, that doesn’t happen, but it’s one day at a time now. We hung out all day today and she didn’t bring it up again. Like I said, I’m giving her Grand Canyon kind of space with this. It’s possible she’ll bury it and it’ll be a ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ kind of thing (which, based on my level of terror in coming out of the closet to begin with, I think I’d be fine with). Or, she’ll want to know more about it. We’ll see. But you CAN come out of the closet girls. I want you to know that it IS possible!
If you have questions, just ask!
*kisses* tara 🙂
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Congratulations Tara!
I know its freeing just to know that she knows now no matter how things work out. Getting older somehow puts a lot of pressure on us to come out and live like we need to and I wish the best of luck to you and your wife.
Hi Tara,
Good for you for telling your wife, I’m the wife who has recently been told and I really loved your emphasis on time and caution. I also suffered (as well as my husband) what I now know (thanks to you) is called “the dreaded whiplash.” I think a period to just pause things and let her digest everything is paramount to success. Wives are complicated creatures and can be unpredictable. It is easy to first be fine with everything because you truly do feel fine with it, even supportive as well. Then out of seemingly nowhere, feelings of anger and resentment pop up and are not even understood by the wife who feels them. I don’t know why it made me angry that he shaved his legs and used my razor. I’m not sure why panties disgusted me after many days in a row. I don’t know why it made me angry when I was doing the laundry and found things that he was underdressing with. I do know why some of his spending made me angry and resentful and that is because the spending was too much at once and I resent him having better things than I buy for myself. We have since learned that we didn’t take the time needed to fully digest all this and any couple that has successfully been through this would have seen our mistakes a mile away. Needless to say, we are finding our way. A few helpful pointers (after communication and honesty) are to make your wife feel special during this process. My husband took the time to learn what sort of lingerie I would like to wear and ordered me a few things to feel special. We spent time picking out new nail polish colors to share and he springs for the really good stuff so it is a win for us both. He wants to get good enough at painting nails so that we can do each other’s toes. What woman wouldn’t want her nails painted? We have a spa retreat booked for later this month to celebrate our anniversary and being able to do that together is a benefit of having a husband and a girlfriend all wrapped up in one!Best wishes,
Betty-
Thank you Betty for your valuable insight and your great attitude. Its good to see that you are realizing the benefits of having a CD husband. I hope he continues to honor you with gifts and girlfriend interactions. You have discovered two in one… a husband and a new girlfriend which will only bond you two more closely.
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Betty, I couldn’t have said it any better than Michelle just did. I want to thank you for taking the time to post such a thoughtful message! You have no idea (or maybe you do) how special and meaningful it is for us to hear from spouses that are going through this with us. Kudos to you and I hope things continue on down a great path for you!!
*kisses* tara 🙂
Tara, it is such a huge relief to be out and not to have to hide Tara, isn’t it!!
Glad you are leaving her some space to prossess all of this. Don’t know how much you need to let Tara out giving yourself more Tara time.
For each of us it is different, some NEED to transition ( go all the way) , some here are OK to just underdress or dress in private. We are everywhere in between!
Similarly our SO’s are all over the place, anywhere from not accepting (wanting a divorce) to fully accepting and even participating in our CD.
One of the biggest problems is each of our situations changes our own desires/needs? changes and our SO outlook changes
The key — COMMUNICATION!!!!!!All the best to you, hope you can both find a good place for the 2 of you.
. . .CassieI’m so happy for you, Tara. I remember you saying that you would never come out to her and I remember the comments that she had made that made you feel that way. This is such a good thing for both of you because now you aren’t keeps a secret from her.
The funniest part was when she asked if your clothes were prettier than hers. I remember how my wife was about me having so much more stylish clothes than she has. Now, as you know, she brings me some great stuff that she finds because she knows my style.
Lots of hugs!
Tara,
I’m very happy for you, in particular because of your wife’s initial reaction and I hope you both will be able to keep the communication flowing.
I haven’t read other replies, but one thing I can advise you is that now that you told her, and even though maybe a couple days have gone by, you are still on time to come out totally clean to her about anything and everything related to your CDing/gender issues. Whatever you don’t disclose now, will likely be found out later, and will result in her wondering what else you may be keeping secret… (yes, personal experience)Congratulations, Tara Jeane! I’m so happy for you. It’s very exciting to hear how well it has gone thus far and I wish you and you wife the very best.
Much love,
Raquel
Congrats Tara, time and lots of it, pamper her and be honest. I’ve been through three whiplashes and now we are in a good place. I thank mine everyday. Katie
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I just received a ‘thanks’ for this post from April and it reminded me that I should probably do a follow up since I’ve continued to move forward and my wife has continued to let me. For about 2 months, I would dress and go out occasionally and we were in a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ kind of mode. She knew I was going out of the house dressed sometimes, but didn’t want to know about it or see me.
About 3 weeks ago, I bought some women’s bikini tops and bottoms. I tried them on that night and when I put one on in particular and went to the mirror, I just broke down. I mean BOOM and just started bawling. BAWLING! I just felt so right. It was like a switch went off in my head and my male self left and my female self took over. I knew then and there that I wanted to be a woman all the time. I wanted to transition.
Over a week went by before I found the courage to tell my wife. To be honest, she said she expected that I would go this direction (I guess she knows me pretty well after 30 years). She’s not thrilled about it. But she has said, after reflection, that whether I’m a guy or a girl, she feels like she’s better off with me than without me. That means a lot to me. BUT, we still have A LOT of ground to cover. She’s very sad. That bothers me. It bothers me that in order for me to be happy, she is sad. She’s sad that the guy she fell in love with and married is going away and she’s not sure she’ll like this new person. I’ve tried to assure her that I’m the MOSTLY same person….the same soul….but in a different wrapper. It’s a transition for both of us.
I’m not out at work yet but I have a plan and will be out before the end of the year (and likely a lot before that). I told several of my really close friends at a party 2 weeks ago. They all say pretty much the same thing. I don’t understand, but I support you and that’s about all I can ask. One friend’s wife has even adopted me as her girlfriend, which is amazing! Effie Jayne has become one of my best friends since I met her here on CDH and she has had a HUGE effect on my life as someone that is already over a year ahead of me on the transition scale and in a similar situation as me. I have made an appointment in September with a transgender doc (endocrinologist) to start discussing HRT and I can’t wait to meet with her and start that part of my journey.
Today felt like my first full day of my transition. Getting ready to go out on my regular errands, but knowing I was going to do it as me and not that guy. My wife knew I was doing it and saw me for the first time dressed (she’s still a little freaked out, but is still here). I felt so normal, comfortable, relaxed. And to add a cherry topping to the day, a checker at Costco who I’d had a nice interaction with once before, said when she scanned my card and looked at my male picture and then at me, she said, I’ve helped you before, right? I smiled and said yes. She said, you look GREAT! And so happy! I mean, I almost burst out of my skin I was so happy. I told her that I’d started coming out to more people and she smiled and said, well keep it going! How freaking nice is that for someone to say? I wish she knew how much she lifted my spirits today!
All I can say is that CDH has allowed me to finally become, well, ME! Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be on this precipice and ready to take the leap. But I’m 57 now. I have fewer years in front of me than are behind me and I want to live them as the me I was always meant to be!
Love to all of you! You be you!
kisses *tara* 🙂
Tara,
It took a lot of courage for you to come out and I commend you for taking such a big step. It is truly wonderful to read about someone who has finally come to understand who they really are and embrace it with their heart and soul.
I wish you the best on your journey.
Fiona
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Thank you, Fiona! I appreciate your kind words!
I’m still struggling with the fact that my happiness is tied to my wife’s sadness. But there’s also no way I can go back in the box, so to speak. If I tried to put my female side away again, it would eat at me for the rest of my life and I would be miserable. All I can do now is try to be the best spouse and partner I can be for my wife and hopefully, she will find that she likes Tara even better. Maybe even BECAUSE I’m happier and a more well rounded person than I ever was as my male self.
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Hi Tara.
The cat is out of the bag and can never be put back… I understand.
Hope the wife can find some compromise and be able to live with Tara but she was right about losing her man. I don’t think things look good for her but everything changes no matter how hard we try to hold onto life. I hope you will keep us posted. Good luck on your journey.
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Thanks Michelle. She’s already told me that her life is better with me than without me, whether I’m a guy or a girl. She’s just sad that she’s losing her husband. And I get that completely. She’s also worried that I’m going to suddenly be interested in other people and want to leave. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am TOTALLY and 100% committed to her. I’m not going anywhere.
I’ve come out to several of my closest friends and although they don’t understand, they have offered their support. It’s been amazing.
Thanks for keeping us up to date, hope all goes well.
I think you already know this, but it can’t be said enough.
Don’t let your wife down! You will need to be there for her as much as she’s going to be there for you.Congratulations Tara, on coming out and to your upcoming transitioning.
Lisa
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I totally agree and that is my plan! She DOES complete me and I plan to do everything I can to keep her!
Tara, thanks for the update. I’m so happy for you that you’ve made that decision and are able to move forward. Truth be told, I’m a little jealous as well, but I celebrate your happiness at discovering your true self and the fact that you will be able to live as the woman you long to be!
Hugs,
Holly
Tara,
Thanks for the update. Hope that your wife comes around a little more and can find joy in you, as Tara.
Good for you!!! I hope it all works out. I was able to come out to my wife and had the luxury of being able to be Amanda whenever I wanted. Yes i have an awesome,understanding wife. However since my elderly parents moved in with us,Amanda unfortunately went right back in the closet and this is horrible for me. I am working up the courage to tell at least my mother about Amanda and we will see how that turns out. Love to all you lovely ladies out there, keep living your true authentic lives.
Hi Tara.
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I know exactly what you mean, I kind of came out to my wife in a similar fashion (it wasn’t planned, it just happened and went went from there). I know you had to have been scared (I was), but there’s sooo much relief after you come out to her.
Anyway, congratulations on taking that huge step!
I just sent you a friend request, so anytime you’d like to chat, let me know.
Hugs,
Holly
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