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  • #392532
    Sa•man•tha
    Founder
    Registered On: January 21, 2018
    Topics: 261
    Replies: 1396
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    Referring back for a moment…by all means, do your best with your look, but let your heart do the real work.  Perhaps you were blessed with the best the gene pool has to offer…congrats, but who cares?

    As of tonight, there are 24,267 members at CDH.  If you consider even 1% of us as “passable”, that means 243 ladies here pass as  genetic women… not just once or sometimes but all the time.  Do you believe that?

    Depending on how much effort I feel like putting into my look, i can blend in with the women pretty doggone good…be called “ma’am” and be treated as such…do i call myself passable?  No.  You’ll never hear me talk myself up like that.  And, if I go out and am “treated as a woman” did i truly pass??  Or, was I simply surrounded by people who were not very observant and / or were socially polite?

    Because, passable includes “under all circumstances”.  Unless you’ve had hrt, surgeries and the whole shebang… that’s pretty difficult.

    Not to mention, the mannerisms, the vibe.  I’m sorry…as accepting and sympathetic as I am, if you behave like a man, kicking over displays in the video store because you’re angry, it’s going to be a little difficult for me to regard you as a woman.  Most genetic women dont do stuff like that, and the ones who do, I regard as men also.  Sorry bout that but, truth.  They may kick me over next for all I know.

    So…look + mannerism + vibe, 100% of the time…now, maybe it begins to look more like 1/10% than 1%

    My dears, I’m not writing this to discourage you, but to illustrate…none of this is about how great you look, but rather how great you feel… if you feel it, roll with that and be free. You do the best you can with those you encounter in public…remember, none of them are perfect either.  The difference is, you’re wearing your imperfections on your sleeve, no secrets here…isn’t honesty refreshing?

Viewing 18 reply threads
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    • #395635
      Jenny Jones
      Participant
      Registered On: November 5, 2019
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 105
      Has thanked: 97 times
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      I think the problem is when we say ‘passable’ or ‘we want to look passable’. A lot of us have it in our head this very specific, smooth skin, eighteen years old, perfect, flawless look. And nobody achieves that. Not even eighteen year olds. We have this idea of perfection that I bet not even real woman can live up to.

      It isn’t terrible to have either. It can propel us to do better, but at the same time we all need to understand that we look good, passable doesn’t necessarily mean drop dead gorgeous like we want it to mean. It just means passable.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #392979
      Lucinda Hawkns
      Participant
      Registered On: September 1, 2015
      Topics: 6
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      wow i have read all the posts,    i could not add any thing to it,  maybe how about voice, talking like a female voice, that would be a plus.    wearing a dress and having make up on and wig, ear rings, perfume. make sure your legs are shaved or have colored nylons on so people do not see the hairy legs if you have hairy legs.,  yes very true wearing a mask in this now day situation we are in no one would even no you are male and dressed as a female.   and true people just walk in stores and not pay attention to the person walking by them, they all are looking at their cell phone as they walk.    wish people would be more polite to every one and even the cross dressers who go out dressed up as a female. we all are human male or female or cross dressers or what ever you want to call it, cis, transgender, cross dresser, trans people, drag queens,  all i know is now there is that many cross dressers on this site.                                                  24,267 members at CDH, that is what sa man tha has written on her post. wish there was more cross dressers to find this great site and join us and chat. i am sure there is more out there but are on a different site.  i am on flickr also but i am more on crossdressing heaven more then ever for i find more ladies being polite and under standing.  thank yo all for reading my post and for the founder to have this site up with out it i would be stuck in the mud and lost with out it.

    • #392964
      Amanda Burton
      Participant
      Registered On: January 15, 2020
      Topics: 5
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      Well written Samantha, absolutely nailed it sweetie.

    • #392950
      Mary Jane
      Participant
      Registered On: September 30, 2020
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 26
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      The way I see it, and sorry if I tread on toes saying it, the majority of the population are just passable in cis mode anyways.

      There is a minority of drop dead gorgeous women, and ripped men. As well as a minority of down right ugly.

      Sometimes you see a drop dead gorgeous gal married to an ugly looking guy. And vice versa.

      I have seen cis guys who look feminine, even when they don’t intend to. I have seen blokey looking women, who even when they doll up, still look blokey.

      ***Now I got past all this skin deep stuff.***

      I think the number 1 issue for passing within society is through our own confidence, and self acceptance. Whether we try and pass as a ciss man / woman, trans, or CD.

       

    • #392938
      stephanie plumb
      Participant
      Registered On: November 17, 2018
      Topics: 88
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      Hi Sammy,  well said!

      You know how I feel about “passing”.  You and I  and others have posted about this myth many, many  times in the past, yet the word is still used as some sort of Holy Grail. Your so-true and wise words should act as an inspiration to the  newer girls to be realistic in their aspirations and not beat themselves up, or hold themselves back because of unreachable goals.

      My take on this ( not nearly so eloquently put as Sammy’s ) is that if you strive for the impossible then you will fail, and feel bad or disappointed with yourself.  Being the best you can be is a much better attitude to have. It is attainable and brings it’s own rewards.  It is “being acceptable” – to yourself!  And is a huge confidence booster.  It works for me.  After all, you dress for yourself, and not to impress others.

      Stephanie P

    • #392806
      Peggy Sue Williams
      Participant
      Registered On: June 26, 2019
      Topics: 10
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      Excellent topic.  Very few of us “pass” 100%, but it is a worthy goal to strive for, without driving yourself nuts, just do your best.  As others have said, act feminine, conduct yourself like a lady, and the inner girl will shine through to the outside.

      Most places I shop know I am a man, a CD, but they treat me like a lady, when I am my female self.  One of the greatest compliments I ever received was from a Walmart door greeter, who knew me as both my male and female self.  As I entered the store one day, he said, “I don’t care if you are a guy, you are the best looking girl to come through this door all day.”

      On the flip side, over the years, I have known a few  CDs who are “butch girls,” aka guy-in-a-wig-and-a-dress.  They act and look like one of the guys.

    • #392707
      Olivia Livin
      Participant
      Registered On: October 22, 2018
      Topics: 35
      Replies: 1451
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      As many of you girls know, when it comes to putting in the full effort of hair and makeup, I’ll take a ‘pass’ on that. Its different for many of us, but its not something I require. Its not that I don’t like to look nice, but I don’t beat myself up over it, trying to be something almost unacheivable. Many of you or your SO’s probably recall giving that same advice to your kids in reference to their friends or Ads. For the most part, I couldn’t give a rats buttocks what others perception, or even my own mirror reflects. I’m more centered on how dressing makes me feel in my soul and I know that my empathy and the gentle way I routinely treat others is more, what has generally been associated with ‘femme’ or ‘ladylike’ than alot of gg’s I encounter anymore.

      Olivia

      • #395642
        Sa•man•tha
        Founder
        Registered On: January 21, 2018
        Topics: 261
        Replies: 1396
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        Dang, dynamite all over the place!!  Hey Sisters, if you dont know Liv, this is somone who puts it out there like no one else i know!  Ok Liv, you mentioned about what we tell our kids… somewhere, that message gets lost, regrettably… for me, c/d or presenting represents many things, but one of the important ones is connecting to my true, childhood self.  It sounds kinda odd on the surface i know, but if you think about it, i wonder how many others may find the same thing?  Anyway Liv, clearly your heart’s in the right place.  Thanks hon!!

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #392699
      DeeAnn Hopings
      Participant
      Registered On: November 10, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 577
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      When we think of sports, the mental aspect usually comes into play. The reason is that it is absolutely necessary to be in the right frame of mind in order to be effective. There is no substitute for. It is necessary to push small distractions and BS to the background and live in the moment.

      When we go out, the same think needs to happen. We have to put the distractions, concerns and fears in the background. The thing is this. When you leave your house, you have done all you can do at that point in time. There are only 2 choices: Go or Stay. If you choose to Go, think about that mental part and try to put yourself in the proper frame of mind. Know that you have as much right to occupy space on the planet as anyone else. Also know that every AFAB person does not look like Lena Horne or Elizabeth Taylor. If you need confirmation of that, drop into WalMart.

      So, head up, deep breaths and do what you came to do. You can’t control what anyone thinks about your passing, or not, or sort of so, why get stuck in thinking about it?

      Go get what you came for…

      • #395625
        Sa•man•tha
        Founder
        Registered On: January 21, 2018
        Topics: 261
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        Has thanked: 6022 times
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        And still more dynamite!  DeeAnn, thank you so much for hitting on the “mental game” aspect, that’s what so much of this is really about!  The “image” kinda goes to the side if you got the game, and the most fantabulous look in the world aint hardly worth jack if you aint got the game.  Its that important.  And, um… lol secretly i love Wal marrr just because no one gives a ish there (long as you got a mask on) lol thanks DeeAnn!!

    • #392679
      Heather Harrison
      Participant
      Registered On: August 3, 2020
      Topics: 10
      Replies: 103
      Has thanked: 643 times
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      Thank you so much Paula and Samantha for sharing your wisdom and experience with us! Like other girls here, I’m navigating through these new experiences and can use all the help and encouragement I can get.

      Thanks again.

      Heather

    • #392637
      MacKenzie Alexandra
      Ambassador
      Registered On: May 20, 2016
      Topics: 44
      Replies: 509
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      For me, the epiphany was when I realized that in my efforts to portray a woman, I was not being true to myself.  I love to wear women’s clothes.  I have deep feelings about having my own breasts.  And given the option, would probably wear womenswear solely everyday. However, that is as feminebas I want to be.  I don’t want to be woman. I love who I am, and am proud of the man that I have become. It is me without a doubt. Therefore, passing as anyone (a woman) other than who I am (a man) is to hide myself, something which I do not like.

      MacKenzie Alexandra

      • #395616
        Sa•man•tha
        Founder
        Registered On: January 21, 2018
        Topics: 261
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        Yes!  More dynamite MacKenzie, thank you!  Whatever it takes to be true to yourself, is how we ought to define “passing”!

         

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #392629
      Kay Anderson
      Participant
      Registered On: June 1, 2020
      Topics: 16
      Replies: 491
      Has thanked: 4520 times
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      I think that you can try too hard to pass and that can have the opposite effect, making you stand out in the crowd. Just be yourself!

      Kay

       

    • #392627
      patty williams
      Participant
      Registered On: January 19, 2019
      Topics: 62
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      Has thanked: 1749 times
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      Hi Sammy,

      I have enrolled it the Samantha school of advice regarding My dressing girls.

      I brought this up to Samantha in a conversation a while back and she kind of set me straight.

      I agree with her I have gone out twice so far a rookie compared to many of you .

      However I did it and I was happy with who I was and I behaved as feminine as I possibly could.

      Samantha told me and many of you girls have too that attitude goes a long way to being feminine and accepted in public.

      I dont think I will ever even be as passable as Samantha but I am happy being Patty and love working on being more feminine looking Avery day.

      In the end we have to quit worrying about what John Q public thinks and as Samantha said go with our heart and enjoy our feminine spirit.

      I know sometimes thats going to be hard, even down right bad at times but that is life.

      Thank you Sammy some times your lessons are hard but they teach us things we need to know to be better woman.

      Hugs Patty

    • #392619
      Andrea
      Participant
      Registered On: September 7, 2018
      Topics: 8
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      I stopped worrying about ‘passing’ as it would be nigh on impossible to do that.   For shopping I put on clothing that you would expect to see on a woman, typical daytime makeup, and just go.  In busy areas I suspect most people you walk past don’t look much beyond the basic clues of clothes, silhouette, movement: you are another person that they make sure they don’t collide with.  At the moment I am sure that wearing a mask helps : I haven’t noticed anyone giving me a second glance as of yet.  Most store staff are trained to be polite so no problems there either.  Be nice and thankful to them, treat them like a valued human and they will be good to you.

      The key, as is often said, is confidence.  I am happy with what I am wearing (comfort is important), I am pleased with the way I look (ie. as good as I can do with my non-female-dna) so I tend to forget anything about what I wearing or ‘looking out of place’ and just get on with being a lovely human being.

      If someone thinks I’m a trans-woman or a crossdresser then it hardly matters, providing they don’t do a Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers!

    • #392600
      Suzette York
      Participant
      Registered On: September 4, 2020
      Topics: 1
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      i know i can never pass as a cis female.  i honestly doubt that if i went through SRS and HRT i would even really pass as if born a woman but i agree that is not really the point for me.  If i can go out sometimes and be accepted by some as femme that feels wonderful! What i really want is to be happy in my own skin and to be comfortable to be free of harassment is more than enough for me.  i did have one experience where i was out and it was a rare time a Man was hitting on me – i started wondering to myself  “he knows i am not a cis-female right” it was very flattering but at the same time a little terrifying because if he did not know i did not want to be found out.  i am sure he knew – i think as it would be impossible not to know right?  It was all very surreal.

      For me the dream is to be accepted and treated as female so i can let the true me out.

      hugs,

      suzette

    • #392591
      Seren
      Participant
      Registered On: March 2, 2020
      Topics: 36
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      Oh to live in a world where ones own safety wasn’t predicated on societies outdated view of how a person should look, what they should wear, where they should go (especially true for trans women and CDs but I also feel for my CISters, whose rights and safety are being eroded around the world)

      Seren xx

    • #392571
      Grace Scarlett
      Participant
      Registered On: July 26, 2020
      Topics: 12
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      Hi Sammy

      I love your honesty, as always.

      As for me?…I have said this before, but it’s all about confidence. If I look my best, I feel I can go out and go about my business, of course you get the odd look, but mostly I am left to get on with my day !!….”passing” to me is a myth, but being accepted is everything!!…if I could mention Laura Lovett, just read her posts if you need a lift…she just does her thing, smiles and chats to everyone when she is out and about, and always seems to have a good time….because she just goes for it !!….a brave confident attitude to have, but it really works for her.

      be safe, grace xx

      • #395613
        Sa•man•tha
        Founder
        Registered On: January 21, 2018
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        Now, you hit on something here Grace, that i think is worthy of its own thread…looking your best.  Feeling pretty is most definitely energizing and confidence building…it can be a game changer, the day you truly feel pretty.  Thanks hon.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #392564
      Paula F
      Participant
      Registered On: August 7, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 580
      Has thanked: 992 times
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      Thank you Samantha!

      When I was younger and just coming out in the little alt community where I lived, I heard that phrase, ‘passable’, many times, and it was something that myself and the other girls were always trying to attain.  We did our best and tried oh so hard to be seen and accepted as the girls we wanted to be.

      I did okay, for the most part, but could never achieve that level of beauty and grace to totally pass under the close gaze of our critics and detractors.  What a bummer to have that illusion shattered by people who had no clue about our struggles to reach that certain point, and could break our efforts with just a wag of the tongue.  Words do hurt, and cause damage.

      Of our little close group, girls came and went, and two of our sisters attempted suicide over not being able to ‘pass’, and being unable to handle it.  Several others just gave up and disappeared from our number, never to be seen out and about as one of the girls again, that I know of.  A few of us persevered though and became a very tight group and the mutual support helped us get over the realization that we would never be exactly the woman we saw ourselves as.

      Over time, we came to the realization that physical looks were only a small part of being who and what we desired as we gradually grew into ourselves.  There is only myself and three of the other girls from back then that get together now.  Time and weather has taken it’s toll for sure, but our looks and beauty are never a topic of our discussions.  Good friends, new friends, the latest gossip, and general life experiences are what matters most now to us.  I think If you heard us all gabbing and couldn’t see us, you would think we were just a normal group of women enjoying an afternoon of gab together.  Time, to me, is the key to passing.  Being comfortable within yourself takes time.  Being yourself with other people, men. women, gay or straight, again takes time.

      In order to achieve that word, ‘passing’,  just be yourself, relax and enjoy your life, let that woman out in the sunlight and let her guide you for a change, try to see your world through her eyes.  Stop thinking like a man.  YOU can do it, and you will feel yourself actually ‘pass’.

      PaulaF

      • This reply was modified 1 week ago by Paula F.
      • #395612
        Sa•man•tha
        Founder
        Registered On: January 21, 2018
        Topics: 261
        Replies: 1396
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        Dynamite, Paula!

    • #392546
      Stephanie Flowers
      Ambassador
      Registered On: June 26, 2017
      Topics: 25
      Replies: 4248
      Has thanked: 6160 times
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      Never can we be happy being where we would like to be. For me feelings deep inside certainly influences me in believing that I’m to where at least I’m comfortable displaying  myself as passable as possible. Through this confinance certainly shines everymore and of course discovering the finer points always makes ourselves more presentable. They say its a fine art that only gets better in time. For many its a born again experience with many years of learning. 🌷

       

      • #395611
        Sa•man•tha
        Founder
        Registered On: January 21, 2018
        Topics: 261
        Replies: 1396
        Has thanked: 6022 times
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        Always a fountain of illumination and inspiration you are, Steffi.  These concepts of contentment and rebirth are quite meaningful and important!!

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #392540
      Stevie Steiner
      Participant
      Registered On: June 11, 2020
      Topics: 24
      Replies: 544
      Has thanked: 2370 times
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      Yes.

      Okay, I’ll elaborate.  Yes, totally.  Sammy you  hit it on the nail… how you Feel, your feelings.  That  will always be more important than looks.  We are always our own worst  critic anyway.  Looks are so subjective, how you feel really matters most.   And that’s all there is to it.  I do not consider myself passable at all,  but I like being me.  And I  try to be honest about it.  Maybe not as “open”, but honest and real about things.  I’m honest with my friends ( honest 😁 ), so it’s only right to be honest with myself.

      Stevie ❤

       

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