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I have only been actively cross-dressing for the last couple of years after I finally decided to give in to my hidden desires. I figured I wasn’t getting any younger and why not become a bit adventurous. All of my experiences have been confined to the privacy of my home except for a few times when I was out of town and could go out without the fear of encountering anyone that could recognize me. I found that anywhere on Halloween and in Las Vegas were safe places to go out en femme because no one would question.
My wife has no idea that I have been engaging in this activity and after being married for 45 years I could not imagine how I would even broach the subject. I can’t imagine the pain or disappointment it might inflict on her and our relationship.
While I look forward to the opportunities to show off my feminine side those occassions are few and far between.
I am afraid that if I continue to experiment with putting on make-up and dressing up I will become more enthralled with doing so and may be digging a hole that I cannot escape.
Do I put my secret life back in the closet and accept myself for who I am or do I just take comfort in being able to express my other side on those rare occasions that offer themselves.
I have no one that I can confide in and appreciate that there may be other members out there who find themselves in a similar situation.
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Registered On: January 3, 2020Topics: 15Replies: 128Has thanked: 117 timesBeen thanked: 923 timesJessica, I would bet if you tried to put it away, like most of us, you won’t be able to. How or if you tell your wife, is a gamble. Most wives, like mine, won’t be able to accept this new person we’ve become. The potential for devastating her feelings is great. As hard as it may be, if you haven’t been discovered yet or you haven’t done the great reveal, you can keep doing what you are doing, or try to stop altogether. The latter I think will be near impossible now that Jessica is out of the bag. From my own experience and reading the responses of others on this site I think we are all or have been in your heels. When my wife found out and revealed my secret to the world, most of my friends and family cut ties with me. I have made new friends since then who only know me as Dani but they are few. Only my sister, who discovered my secret early in life helped develop Dani, a few long time female friends and a few cousins are still in contact and accept me for who I have become. Our thing is still not acceptable to most people and can be a lonely journey.
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- Registered On: August 14, 2021Topics: 4Replies: 1853Has thanked: 3655 timesBeen thanked: 6246 times
Welcome to CDH Jessica. I am still struggling with the issue of telling my wife.
Hugs, Liara
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Me too Liara I’m struggling with the same issue.
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- Registered On: January 2, 2023Topics: 0Replies: 140Has thanked: 247 timesBeen thanked: 510 times
Everyone with a SO will tell their story. Some will offer advice. I a will offer this one piece. YOU know this lady better than any of us so ultimately it will be your call. Women will react many different ways. Remember, once said it cannot be taken back. As for me , I loved my wife so much I felt I could not have secrets. I trusted that I knew her well enough, 55 years, and just told her straight out. See accepted what I said, is tolerant but certainly not a cheerleader. She set some boundaries which I honor. Not sorry I came out, and wished I had sooner. Best of luck whatever your decision. Your sister in the feminine bond, Lorraine. P.S. chat anytime
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- Registered On: July 24, 2021Topics: 3Replies: 259Has thanked: 2535 timesBeen thanked: 1308 times
Jessica,
When my wife and I decided to move in together, I knew it was the end of dressing for me. There was no way she was going to accept it. And I was fine with that. After all, I needed to stop being so weird, right? And I could control and totally ignore these silly feelings, right? Wrong, I’m happy to say on all counts.
For the first seven years that we lived together (we’ve been living together for 8 1/2 years now and married for almost 6 years) I denied this side of my personality and it was fine at first. But then I started having dreams, very intense dreams, of dressing up. And these dreams wouldn’t stop. It made my daily life more stressful because I realized that I couldn’t control my feelings at all.
So, one night (June 2021) we were talking about our love life and I blurted out that I wanted to wear panties. Brakes on, conversation full stop. I wasn’t very tactful to say the least and I don’t recommend that approach. I think I just panicked like a person who is guilty of something, and just threw out my confession and hoped for leniency.
My wife was understandably confused but surprisingly calm. She asked me lots of questions which was her right to. She asked if I was gay, did I want to go out fully dressed, why didn’t I tell her sooner, and more. I answered her truthfully . No, I’m not gay, and no, I don’t want to go out dressed as a woman, though that has changed, and I didn’t tell you sooner because I thought you’d be mad and hurt.
It was a long heart to heart conversation, but afterwards , my wife went to her dresser and pulled out two of her nighties and passed them to me and told me to try them on. What?!? This isn’t where I imagined this would go! But I tried them on and the feelings, so many good feelings, love, joy, and relief, were amazing. She didn’t freak out, and she didn’t threaten, and she didn’t divorce me. In fact, she went out a few nights later when I was at work, and bought me my first and very own nightie and four pairs of panties!
She did however say that she could not buy me a bra as that crossed a line for her that she couldn’t accept. I told her that was fine by me and thanked her for what she had done for me. But a few weeks later, she tossed me one of her bras and told me to put it on. It’s now my bra. She has gone with me to purchase more nighties, panties, a couple of dresses and skirts, and she bought all my makeup, and we look at things for me even if we don’t buy them.
I’m not suggesting that you’ll meet the same reaction, but I hope you will. It sounds like not telling your wife is causing you a lot of stress, perhaps an unbearable amount, and I believe you need to find a way to talk to her about your feelings. Of course , I can’t say how she’ll react, but you might feel better for getting this off your chest and it might (hopefully) go very well and even strengthen your relationship.
And you have all of us to talk to if you need to. You’re not alone anymore.
Best of luck, hugs, and support,
Jill
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- Registered On: September 13, 2019Topics: 7Replies: 680Has thanked: 0 timesBeen thanked: 2735 times
The number of women who leave their husband dressing appear to be quite small, and they few that do usually leave because there are a lot of other issues in the marriage. Sure, many are not happy and do not take it well, and of those most appear to end in a DADT situation, which my not be ideal, but is better then your current situation. I am actually not too surprised that most wives take it well enough, and while maybe not supportive, are at least tolerant. I am not the best person to advise since my wife is fine with my dressing and has evolved with it just as I have, one of the advantages of tell a spouse early.
The other point I wan to mention is you say you have nobody you can confide in, which I highly doubt. Most of us are surround with a circle of family and friends who truly care about us, and I bet you have more then a few you could talk to. They are likely to be surprised, but with a bit of discussion will soon totally be on your side and a good sounding board for you. I came out to my cousin recently, and she could not have been better and sweeter about it. she knew nothing about crossdressing and was truly curious and very interested. We had long discussions and she had a lot of questions which i did my best to answer. It was great, and felt so good to have a neutral party to talk to about things. I know many of my friends would just laugh a bit, but then say what ever dude and then be totally supportive.
Of course, with the advent of online therapy, someone to talk to is just a few mouse clicks away as well.
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- Registered On: December 31, 2022Topics: 3Replies: 115Has thanked: 793 timesBeen thanked: 494 times
Hi Jessica
It seems you have already gotten some good advice and I’m not sure I can add much to it. I can only say that after growing up thinking I was practically the only person who does this, I am amazed at how many similar stories I hear since coming to CDH. I was in much the same situation as you. Married 35 years, cross dressed all my life and my wife had no idea. I was becoming very down and depressed and decided to to take a chance and come out to my wife . I knew that I would be unhappy if she left me but I was already unhappy. So about a month ago I told her and she took it pretty well. I can’t begin to express how terrified I was at the thought of telling her.
In my case it has worked out well, we joke about it from time to time which I think is a good sign that she doesn’t keep her thoughts bottled up inside. I don’t dress in front of her very much, I’m trying to take it slow. I started wearing black leggings around the house and then painted my toenails with a mauve color that didn’t stand out much. I recently told her I was going to paint them a much brighter color and she just said you better make sure you don’t have any holes in your socks.
I can’t steer you in any one direction as every woman is different as to what they might tolerate. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and putting Jessica back in the closet might be more difficult than you think. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you decide to do.
hugs
AnnaBeth
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- Registered On: October 19, 2022Topics: 7Replies: 354Has thanked: 1275 timesBeen thanked: 1165 times
Lots of good advice here. I think Jerri’s suggestion has merit. Gender related stories are in the news, have you ever discussed them? How has she reacted to, say, Drag Queen Story Hour in the news? Is she reactionary? Progressive? Mixed feelings? Of course, that’s different than the very close to home matter of her husband Crossdressing but it could be an indicator.
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Dear Jessica,
I only just joined today , and just now stumbled onto this post. I will admit I teared up reading your post because of my story. In short… whats more important… being loved for who you are or risking hurting and possibly losing (in my case) everything. I will spend the rest of my life wondering if I chose correctly. It is written… to love and be loved, is the greatest joy on earth. In our world… having to choise is the worst kind of torment… Seek as much advice as you possibly can from both sides of the fence before even considering a decision! If you ever want someone to talk too… find me on here. I will never try to steer you , but wont candycoat the cost either, Best of luck on your continued journey. fow what its worth… there are many many happy couples who know the truth. I was just not one of them, but thats my story only!7 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: August 15, 2020Topics: 45Replies: 771Has thanked: 2703 timesBeen thanked: 3862 times
I keep my secret from my wife for over 23 years before I took a chance and came out to her. I was lucky that she accepted it with its limitations at first but had grown with me in my journey. The hole you talk about is a slippery slope to wanting more I found. If you stop completely you may become stressed, depressed and grumpy that you can’t do what is already deeply seeded inside you hun. I hope the best for you in that whatever you decide works for you. Speaking from my experience once I started getting older I found that I would embrace my feminine side rather than fight it. So I’ve read and from a few counselling sessions they say that crossdressing picks you and not you picking it. The seed is planted at a young age and takes some longer than others to realize this. All the best to you.
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- Registered On: June 14, 2021Topics: 31Replies: 1887Has thanked: 14355 timesBeen thanked: 9542 times
Hi Jessica.
You say you “may” be digging a hole you can’t get out of? Well it looks like you are already down the rabbit hole into the CD world and we know there is no escaping only more shopping and edging toward our fem selves and we love it.
Its only natural as we get older we tend to want to express our fem side as our desires grow stronger and stronger. I was in that position until I decided to come out to my wife regardless of what the outcome could have been. Luckily after six years, my wife is ok with my lifestyle within limits which I follow and am happier now then anytime in my life. The burden of hiding is a weight off my shoulders and soul. My wardrobe is now larger than I ever thought and growing. I was one of the lucky ones but first I just had to take that big gamble… whew!
If you do decide to have that conversation with the wife you have to go very slow and not rush anything. Answer all her questions but I wouldn’t start with, “Honey, I’ve been going out dressed as a female when I was away.” Just give her the minimum and follow her reaction. Maybe start by saying, “I’ve been having these feelings lately and want to ask your advice about it”, then ease into it very slowly. If she is super negative then you can stop and go no further without a lot of harm or disclosure. If she is supportive then you have won the lottery and things will only get better for you. I hope so.
Or if you decide to remain in the closet you can express yourself here with support from all of us, so please share and let us read about your experiences. We love reading positive experiences. BTW, your pics look great!
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- Registered On: June 13, 2018Topics: 3Replies: 437Has thanked: 8973 timesBeen thanked: 1928 times
Jessica,
Once you open Pandora’s box, it is hard to close. As far as your dressing, you will want to explore more and more. There are risks as well as rewards on sharing your desire to dress. Since you just started, and have not had this secret for many years, I think your wife may be more open than had you been dressing for the past 20+ years.
Try to get a feeling how she may react to cross dressing. Maybe suggest “trying some new things” ie dressing to gauge her reaction. Better to get her on board and let her know sooner rather than later But, also be prepared for a negative reaction and be able to openly and honestly answer her questions .
Good luck
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- Registered On: January 21, 2021Topics: 6Replies: 440Has thanked: 3005 timesBeen thanked: 1609 times
Jessica, I have much the same story. Maybe!
I’m not out to anyone besides this forum, perhaps a couple CDs from another forum I used to be on. Sometimes, especially of late, I want to come out to my wife even if it will make her leave. If it only concerned her, I would chance it even if it did “throw her under the bus”. But there’s kids and now grandkids I would rather not put through it. So for the most part, I’m totally in the closet. And since Covid brought her home to work, she’s usually not more than 30′ from me!
Gwyn
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Hi Jessica I’m in the same sort of dilemma as you, I’ve been married for 50 years and I’m still in the closet to my wife and family, I don’t think i will come out to her because she says she doesn’t understand why some men want to dress up like women, over the last 2 years because of lockdown I’ve not been able to dress as much as i would have liked to, I’m hoping that sometime this year i might be able to come out of the closet once in awhile, only you can decide which way your life will go in the future, I hope everything goes well for you and you get to dress as much as you like X
Hugs Rozalyn X 🎀
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- Registered On: November 18, 2019Topics: 1Replies: 329Has thanked: 333 timesBeen thanked: 1251 times
A wise man suggest the following steps towards attaining what you want in life: 1) decide what you want (as clearly/specifically as possible); 2) assess reality (opportunities and obstacles), and 3) implement a plan to achieve 1) by using the opportunities and overcoming obstacles identified in 2).
So it seems you see your wife’s possible objections as a potential obstacle. That is reasonable. But is it real? The only way to find out is to talk with her, perhaps starting in generalities and eventually narrowing down to specifics. Perhaps you will find that her objections are few or non-existent. Maybe she will be one of the rare women who enjoy having a cross dressing partner. Its up to you to find out.
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Jessica, I suggest testing the water with your wife to see how she feels about men who dress up as women. Not exactly sure about the best way of doing that, but perhaps there is a way.
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- Registered On: January 22, 2023Topics: 5Replies: 22Has thanked: 114 timesBeen thanked: 225 times
I wonder if recommending going to a drag show and gauge her reaction would work?
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My girlfriend suggested that we go to a drag show after I told her I like to wear dresses and heels.
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- Registered On: August 1, 2020Topics: 9Replies: 1521Has thanked: 5406 timesBeen thanked: 7019 times
You are among many who are in the same situation as yourself Jessica and there are many experiences shared here. There are so many factors that impact what happens if you tell someone and it is a vast spectrum of outcomes as there are some commonalities but results can vary immensely. There are simple factors to consider.
Clearly you have decided that this will not go away it is you have to decide where you want to go with it. Some factors in coming out are how good is the relationship, what are attitudes towards LGBT+ issues, have they an open mind to discuss things openly and do they have an idea that you dress, I say this as you may have a stash of clothes hidden or something that you have done in the past such as dressing for Halloween that may have dropped a clue. If you decide to tell then be prepared for the reaction which again, do vary but be prepared for that along with a long list of answers to possible questions.
It is such a daunting thing but you have to consider the effect on yourself and wellbeing holding this secret. It could be that you stay as you are and take the opportunities to fulfill your dressing which is better than nothing but by wanting to tell means that you want to progress your dressing, feel guilt about doing things behind her back or maybe both.
Is there an alternative such as telling a good female friend or co worker about this or seek out a group near you.
I am sure that others will share their experiences which will help you and I hope you find a happy solution.
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