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Hi ladies what can you tell me about the “Pink fog”? What are your experiences?
Last week was our wedding anniversary and after asking my husband to wait until a more appropriate time to dress up he decided to go ahead and do it anyway… twice.
I don’t believe he was actively trying to disrespect me because I don’t think he was considering me at all. When I explained why I was hurt he apologised but seemed indignant and refused to make any effort in reconciliation. It was then I realised he wasn’t sorry for me or empathising with my pain but more so focusing on his own feelings and self pity. Like he had just been told off or something.
In 15 years I have never seen him be so cold or self centred before. Is this what I have to look forward to?
Steph x
Hi Stephanie.
I’m big issue for supportive/accepting/tolerant wives/SOs is that they may be seen (unfairly!) as the cell keepers, telling their partner when they can and can’t dress. Personally, if you had asked your hubby to “Not dress all this year because we are celebrating the 10th anniversary of the first time I cooked for you” yeah, I would think that would be a bit too much. But asking for him to not dress one special day, yes, I have to say that he was being selfish. Unless it was his only chance to dress for a while.
I’m with Celeste… even though not so sure if marriage counseling or a gender therapist would be the best option.
But to answer your initial question… the dreaded pink fog can absorb all our time and energy. It can become an obsession. Let’s see if others may agree or not… remember being a child and being dreaming about getting that special toy for Christmas? Writing your letter to Santa, looking at photos in the store catalog or on the computer? Building up that “want” of how you wish so much to get it? And then on Christmas day… you get it! And you want to play with that toy (a doll maybe?) all day long for weeks and even months? Important difference is that here that play time may last for much longer.
And your parents may tell you to “do something else”. And you can get kind of mad because how does it harm them if you want to play with your doll? You are not hurting anybody with that! right?
Ok, I need coffee. I hope this didn’t come out too lame… 🙂
Good luck!
Gaby
Thanks Gaby, we are only 3 weeks in to this wild ride. It was our 8th wedding anniversary and we had agreed that he needed time to explore and figure out where he was at and where he wanted to take it and because I was still trying to wrap my head around things (14 years together and I had not an inkling) he needed to find a time in between our anniversary and Christmas as to not impact on family time. We chose a weekend in Dec when I would be able to take our son away so he could have the house to himself. The first time he did it last week I was very much like “well that sucks and pretty bad timing but okay” but the second day was too much for me. Especially as he put almost zero effort into our anniversary. I do believe it was the Pink fog and I liked your analogy but left wondering if this is just a learning curve or if he will continue to put his wants and needs first when it comes to cross dressing
I hope it will just be a learning curve Stephanie. There used to be a list of “The rights of the supportive wife/SO” which included some funny things like “The wife has the right to get two dresses for each dress the CD hubby gets” and others, but one of the important ones was about how the wife has the right to get her husband to be just that, her husband, whenever she needs him to be just her husband.
Maybe it is the novelty of not “having to hide it”. Throwing in another analogy… ever tried to take a teenage kid away from their xbox/playstation after they get a new game? Almost impossible to do. One thing that is maybe even more important than anything else is that now that you know, the communication must be kept flowing and open. He doesn’t have a need to keep it a secret anymore. So, It will likely be hard for both… but you are in it together, so I hope and pray both will be able to keep each other as their main priority, and be able to get over this adjustment phase in your marriage.
Gaby
Haha I have not experienced teenagers yet but I have had to enforce time limits on YouTube with my 6 year old… I’m assuming it’s brutally as similar.
I’m not personally into wearing dresses but I did put forth that for each day that he dresses he needs to spend a day lavishing me with attention and affection. I also wholeheartedly agree that he needs to be a man when I need him to be a man, that is who I married after all, that is what I signed up for.
Communication wise it’s good until it’s not I honestly don’t know where our marriage will go and if we will find our new normal in time but I appreciate your kind words and wishes, I will take as many as I can get 😊
Hi Stephanie,
My first thought is that your hubby was a total clod for doing this; but this compulsion we have, a.k.a. “the pink fog” can be overwhelming, sometimes. I suspect he is embarrassed by his failure to control it and by being caught. With dressing, as with everything else in a marriage, the needs of both partners must be met, and perhaps he needs to be reminded of this.
And I hope you both can resolve this issue quickly. My wife doesn’t really like my dressing, but she shows great tolerance, and in return, I make it a point to respect her wishes.Bettylou
Bettylou, I have read quite a few of your replies on posts and I thoroughly enjoy your direct wit. I will most certainly be adding ‘Clod’ to my vocabulary now and keeping it handy if things get too foggy around these parts again.
I think you are right about him being embarrassed maybe even disappointed in himself for not being more aware of how I would feel but at the time I really needed him to step up and connect with me rather than retreat within himself to lick his wounds.
Thank you for your take on things
Steph
Hi Stephanie, for the record I’d like to take your hubby and shake him by his bra straps saying to him “If you were TRYING to make sure your wife won’t accept this you couldn’t have found a better way!” Sheesh! It drives me crazy because I made the same mistake years ago and lost (hopefully not forever) the little support my wife had offered. It’s true what everyone is saying about the Pink Fog. It can be overwhelming, especially after a lifetime in hiding. I liken it to holding down a spring. The harder you push the harder it pushes back and if it’s finally let loose carelessly, watch out! Communication is the key…and compromise. You’ve compromised some it seems, now its his turn. (realize however he may feel he’s been compromising his whole life already- and there’s likely SOME truth in that) If you guys excercise compassion and understanding and tolerance then there’s no reason you won’t be fine.
-Jen
Hi Stephanie,
As a survivor of the dreaded Pink Fog, I can attest to its all enveloping nature and how easy it is to just get totally lost and lose touch with everything that matters. My wife as served as my “fog horn” on occasion and kept me from hitting the rocks, thankfully.
But…..
I’m going to go in a slightly different direction. He sounds like a pretty normal husband. Substitute the words golf or fishing for “dressing up” and I bet 95% of wives in the world have similar complaints. (I’ve done that too). Maybe under the lace and hose he’s just a man and like most men can often put his own needs before yours.
Just food for thought and my opinion, make of it as you will.
Good Luck, I hope it all works out for you and your family
JillianHi Steph
I have a wonderfully supportive partner who has know my fem side since before we got together in the 1980’s. I was full time back then and put things on hold while we were together which was over 30 yrs ago – you never think that a relationship in your 20’s would last for a long time.. but it has, and things are still on hold !
I use the pandora analogy to describe my own situation. I dress when ever possible and let pandora out of the box to play for a short time, but its hard to put her back away afterwards, and she rattles the lid of the box to remind me she is there … all the time.
My partner has always been very supportive, but we have set some ground rules that I attempt to abide by, in the fact that I don’t dress in our home town and don’t dress at home during the day when we are likely to have visitors etc.
Apart from that, we have regular days out and enjoy meals out with friends, which is a great thing to do, and I get to have time away at TG events when they come round. I tend to dress once or twice a week for the whole day – more some weeks less others depending on our schedules etc.
However I do tend to push the boundaries from time to time when pandora is kicking up a fuss to be allowed out to play, and my logic is warped by the pressure just to let her out for a short time – even if its outside the boundaries … This is then followed by regret on my side, annoyance on my partners, and a ‘discussion’. After this we have the boundaries re-set again.
Its a roller coaster and the pressure to dress and be ‘myself’ waxes and wains depending on my moods and opportunity. The need to set ground rules is paramount to setting out what is acceptable and what is not. Making time to fit in fem days will help – especially if you are there to support.
As I have got older I have found the need to dress just as strong now as I did in my 20’s, however I have matured in the understanding of the impact this has on my partner, so am more firm with pandora when she is rowdy !
I think your partner is very lucky to have some one who is going the extra distance to find out how to support them and understand the ‘hows whats and whys’ that are going on in the while TG process.
hugs
Dawn x
As men when we are confronted by our S.O. about doing something self absorbing without consider their feelings we become withdrawn. It was wrong of him to think only of himself on your collective special day. I believe he does feel guilty. But, as men we tend to take a stand until it sinks in. Please give your man a few days ;then revisit the subject with him. He will probably be quite apologetic. A sweet gift for you may follow. If not, the make up sex should be great Stephanie.
Gigi your reply made me smile. I came home from work last night to flowers and earrings. It was a lovely much appreciated gesture. As far as makeup sex goes its so far off the radar and the last few weeks have been (for lack of a better word) traumatic for us both that when we finally do, it will probably kill us 🤣
Hi Stephanie,
I’m sorry the fog hit your hubby at the worst possible time.
We call it a fog because if you’re not careful, you can get lost in it. When you look down the rabbit hole it’s easy to fall in.
I know when the fog rolls in, I have trouble focusing, I can’t concentrate, and I am so distracted. All I want to do present myself in my feminine persona.
To help me cope with the fog my wife and I have some basic ground rules for dressing. She tries to give me my space.
The fog eventually does lift. It does come back again.
I’m not sure where you stand on men dressing up in women’s fashion. Crossdressing is pretty benign compared to some other things he could be doing.
Good luck,
Robin
Hi Stephanie,
For me the pink fog has manifested in different ways as I have navigated my crossdressing journey.
In the days before I acknowledged and accepted CDing as a part of who I am the pink fog was a euphoria that hit when I had the opportunity to dress, it was literally like a drug it was all I could think about, and I would frantically dive into my secret stash of clothes, or borrow from my wife’s closet (something I am not proud of). The fog clouded my judgment and caused me to take risks that could have got me caught or outed in public I didn’t care how I dressed and would throw anything on to satisfy the urge to dress. At the time I did not know what the pink fog was, I didn’t accept or understand my urge to crossdress and I was very confused and after the fog passed I was left with a grey fog of shame, self doubt, anxiety and guilt.Once I accepted myself as a fella who likes to wear feminine clothing I became more conscious of my feelings with regard to dressing. Also because I started a new job which required me to drive 1000km to/from work every 2 weeks I had the opportunity to dress for longer periods (driving emfemme) and to think about it in a more sober way. I still had the pink fog, but I was more aware of it and was able to take a bit more of control. When I dressed I became more conscious of how I dressed and started to get a little more self respect.
When I came out to my wife I had a different kind of pink fog. The biggest thing I crave as a crossdresser is acceptance from others and when I got this from my wife I was on a massive high, suddenly I wanted to talk to her constantly about my dressing, I wanted to tell everyone and come out to the world! It was at around this time that I read about the pink fog and realized what was going on. At the time my wife had indicated that she was not comfortable seeing me dressed, but she has since seen me in stockings under my jeans and recently in a floral top. I believe her concern was that she didn’t want to see me in something inappropriate or degrading.
I had a little of the pink fog this morning. I have recently come out to my 23 year old son and he had discussed it with his girlfriend. I warned him that he may see me dressed at some time and he was ok with that. Yesterday I was wearing my favorite floral top, its dark in colour with a floral pattern that includes blue and pink flowers, it actually goes very will with blue jeans! I had decided that today would be the day that I wear what I want in my house and don’t bolt up stairs to change when someone comes home. Anyway, His girlfriend came home first, opened the door and exclaimed “oh my god, whats that??!!” referring to a laser level that I was testing on the dining room table. She said nothing about the top. My son came home later and was equally un-phased by my appearance. The pink fog hit this morning, I lay in bed thinking of a new top I had in my closet, I wanted to put that on and go downstairs, but then I realized that I didn’t want to wear it for the satisfaction of wearing feminine clothing, I wanted to do it for the acceptance that I hoped I’d get.
I think as a CD it is very important to understand my motivations and evaluate those motivations. I believe that there is nothing wrong with me dressing as I wish to satisfy that mysterious urge to wear feminine clothing, but dressing to receive the acknowledgment or acceptance of others is different, it’s at that point that I am demanding something of another person and if they don’t want to give me that we will both be hurt.
It is unfortunate that your husband was struck by the pink fog on your special day, but it sounds like he did acknowledge that It was a mistake, so he obviously recognizes the effect of the pink fog. Something that helped me understand my feelings with respect to CDing was keeping a journal. If I was feeling the fog coming on i’d write about how I felt. I also have down times when CDing seems like an alien thing and I wonder why I put myself and family through this nonsense. I journal these feelings to. I have found this very helpful.
I hope this gives you some insight into the phenomenon of “The Pink Fog” I believe it is important to recognize it and get in under control.
All the best to you both,
DeLora.I’m not married, nor do I have a female SO to contend with. That said, I have read enough posts from married, “hetero” CDs on this site to recognize that it really can be (IS) a very self-centered, selfish lifestyle. Some wives are evidently accepting. Others aren’t and frankly shouldn’t be expected to IMO.
Another girl on this site recently wrote “one thing I’ve learned from CDH is what a bunch of selfish divas we really are.” I don’t mean this in a negative or mean way necessarily, but I have to admit that I do agree with that. Attribute it all to the pink fog? Perhaps.
Hi Celeste, thank you for taking the time to reply. Yes I know not a lot of information, I did debate on how much to include as I didn’t want to come across like I was crying ‘woe is me’. Just wanted to get the basic facts out and ask if anyone else has experienced the ‘Pink fog’ from my very limited knowledge (still very new to this world) people have described it as an all consuming obsession like state of being with limited ability to recognise impacts. In reply to your questions he says (yes his pronouns are still he/ him until he tells me otherwise) that it’s just dressing up to express his feminine side but again so new who knows. We have had one session with a specialised gender and sex therapist and another scheduled in a fortnight, we are very lucky in that respect
Steph
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