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So when I returned to crossdressing a little over a year ago from a loooooong hiatus the urge/desire came back stronger and more intense than at any other point in my life. Previous episodes usually consisted of only lingerie and maybe a single article of outer wear. This time however I wanted it all – lingerie, boobs, dresses, skirts, wig, heels, and makeup.
I have achieved all that but it scared the hell out of me and I sought out a therapist to help to understand it all.
Now that I have all these wonderful things that allow me to become Darcy I realize that I am always one mistake away from my wife discovering me. Had this been present in my life when we met I like to think I would have been forthcoming. However we are 11 years into marriage with two young kids and it is my belief that my crossdressing would have irreparable consequences. So I keep it hidden. It feels safer.
But as I said I am always one mistake away. So my question to all of you living this beautiful life in the closet do you have a plan if you are caught? I was thinking along the lines of a prepared letter so that in the heat of being discovered I would have what I want/need to say written out from a time when I wasn’t stressed/scared.
Thoughts? Ideas?
Darcy, the same thing plagues me. I know I don’t REALLY want to get caught. And I’m extremely careful. The only thing I mistakenly do are things like leave this website up on my laptop. I never know if she’s spyed it or not.
Or found any of the few things I have. My kids are grown. I thought it would be easier to “come out” now, but it isn’t. I’m very afraid of the irreparable damage it could do.
Gwyn
Got caught many years ago by a s.o. and was surprised how understanding she was! Was caught in my lingerie and tights at the time and i had no excuse. She just looked at me and said ” i had a funny idea you was into this” she had found my secret stash of tights and lingerie plus her friend had seen me dancing in the front room from her house across the road. Not with her anymore split due to other reasons but was a shame as she got me and understood that one day i would go on this journey im taking. In fact i saw her the other day whilst out and about in my mini skirt,heels and red lippy. Unsure if she kbew it was me, was on my way other to say hi but alas she was stepping onto a bus although i got a glimpse of her behind and the fab boots she had on. Oh well maybe they will be a next time soon! X
I actually brought up the fact that I wanted to wear women’s clothing to my wife before I actually purchased any. My wife isn’t even 5’ and doesn’t weight 100lbs, so “borrowing” her things was out of the question, and I didn’t want to have female clothing around the house that was obviously not hers and have her find them. She is actually pretty excited over the fact we are both gender fluid. Now I have a quite a few pretty things and plenty of things to wear, many of which she bought me.
I am not sure how adventurous you are in certain aspects of your life, but maybe a little bedroom role play / role reversal could break the ice on the subject as well and make the transition and later conversations easier.
On a slightly different subject, I would suggest if you are underdressing at work, especially if you work for a larger company or in an office setting, make sure to keep in your mind your first step if you get caught, read, clocked, whatever term you want to use, and feel like you are being harassed or it’s being held against you, go to H.R. and just let them know how you identify. There are protections in place in most States / Countries and no large company wants to deal with the internet / social media backlash of discriminating again someone’s gender or gender expression. It’s a hot button issue and your H.R. department is well aware on top of a PR Nightmare, it could very well lead to a harassment suit that you’ll win.
Hi Darcy,
This is a conundrum that most, if not all on this site have faced, I did and found it, at times, very stressful. I eventually came clean to my wife, but after many years of hiding. I am glad I did but understand that one size doesn’t fit all. You mentioned a therapist, were they any help with this?
Im also going into therapy blind not being familiar with the person. In fact, I start tomorrow. Actually I was referred by the Veterans Affairs people and they are paying. Theyre aware of my CD orientation and simply tell me theres nothing wrong with it. One of my closest friends is a pastor and, from his perspective, theres plenty wrong with it.
So Im doing it anyway for reasons of my own.Its best to remember that good therapy is about you and not the therapist. Hugs, Aurora B
Darcy, you raise a very good point about preparing your response outside the stressful situation of being discovered.
While the document would be yet another CD thing that could be found by your SO, I’m resolved to write something – and keep it electronically with my secret photos.
As you say, we are always just one mistake away from being discovered. I had a recent experience of finding one of my headbands next to my wife’s tray of rings. Don’t know if she seen it, and I don’t actually know if I accidently left it there or she found it and placed it there. Nothing was said. But other close calls have included nearly missing things as I put my stuff away. Nearly missing that blouse hanging on a door knob that I mistook for one of my wife’s. Nearly leaving a piece of my makeup in the bathroom. Nearly missing a clothes receipt that had fallen on the floor. The stress!
Zsazsa
I was caught by my wife. I was not prepared. it took weeks to talk to my wife and explain what was going on in my life. we had been together for well over 30 years at this point. We started with a dont talk about it, dont want to see it, and eventually move to me dressed in some way every day. She has not come to fully supportive, but is not running away at this point.
I would talk to your SO as soon as you are able to put your thoughts and feeling into words, and be patient with her. Answer all of her questions as honestly as you can. My wife is more scared for my safety than worried about what I am warring.
just my suggestion, a conversation when you are prepared and on your time line is better than a sudden discovery. She probably already know something is up.
Paula
Hi Darcy!
A very good question! I guess my very first reaction would be to blush!
I’ve already been caught, but in very indirect ways. My SO knows I love tights, pantyhose and anything soft and silky things above the knees. I wash them and hang them up to dry in full view. My SO always checks our credit card statements and can obviously see purchases I made from all my favourite boutiques. Yet… my SO says nothing! But, it’s only been this way for the last 2 or 3 years since I retired.
Now, I did come clean at the beginning of our relationship, but suppressed it for many years. Maybe she thought of it as more a kinky fetish when I was young.
She also knows I’m not a “regular guy”. Sure, I do boy stuff and take risks and have “daredevil” fun, but I also love the company of women and can get giggly with the best of them!
Anyway… where am I going with this?… Oh, Yeah!
If and hopefully when my SO has her questions, I think I’m ready. What I will say to her is this:
“When I’m dressed in my silky things, I feel that woman within me; a maternal compassion that my male side can never understand. You see, me being a woman helps me be a better man. And dare I hope a better husband too.”
Perhaps the already knows this…
Hugs!!
Barb 🙂
Hi Darcy
My advice is certainly prepare yourself, a letter is a good thing, get all your thoughts on paper in a sensible order, think about what you are saying but don’t ramble on. I would then advise you start thinking about telling your wife at some point and work out a plan to do that. The problem is you will always be able to find an excuse ‘why not’ and keep putting it off, which is what I did until the inevitable happened and I got caught! Believe me you do not what to go through that, it was literally heart stopping and a very traumatic experience for both of us. Alternatively if you feel you cant tell your wife, then you have to be forensically careful about hiding everything, thats almost impossible, so think about what you want to do, but whatever you decide do not get caught!
Darcy, As one of the lucky ones, where my SO is supportive of my dressing. It wasn’t always the case and I spent 30 odd years in the closet. Carefully broach the subject, not necessarily pertinent to yourself but generally. Gauge her reaction, if good talk more and be prepared to compromise. If its a huge ” I think this is #####” etc, reevaluate, my SO has changed her mind a few times, in both directions, so respect the reaction at that moment. Many of us have existed in the closet, difficult I know but existed. Katie x
Darcy, dont worry to much, it may not be so bad. I was caught some years back when my so returned home early. Opened the door and there i was. It was awkward for a few minutes and i ran off to the bedroom and got undressed. A quick discussion and i explained. She didnt really care and has found things around the house so she knows im probably still dressing but just says, have you been dressing again? Now she often gives notice ie a message if she is returning unexpected. But i still take care. I think if you had kids it might be different. Or how much you were dressed, a skirt maybe explained away, but full reglia might be more difficult, dress, make up, wig, boobs etc.
My position is a little unusual in that my wife knows I like to CD but has asked me to stop. She doesn’t like it all. I still dress when I get a chance, but without her knowledge. So, if I was caught, it wouldn’t be a huge surprise to her. Sometimes, I almost wish she would catch me, but my own peculiar set of values won’t let me engineer that deliberately (just leave a bra out – job done)
I don’t take any steps to hide my interest in women’s clothes, I’ll pass comment if I see something nice, and sometimes she ignores me, sometimes she responds. Maybe I’m wearing her down, one bit at a time. At least she’s stopped tutting and rolling her eyes every time she sees a Drag Race trailer, so maybe these enlightened times are getting to her.My female clothes are sitting there in my wardrobe and bedside, not hidden away, but I don’t know if she’s had a rummage through them. Probably not would be my guess.
Still, hope springs eternal in the human breastform……..
Connie
xxxHi darcy
I to have thought about being caught I love to dress . B it I only dress fully when I am along the girlfriend would not understand. I love to dress and go to the club with Jennifer in a bag . I wear pantries and stocking 4 or5 times a week I like the idea of the letter
peace honey love you
jen Sullivan
Hi Darcy,
Having a plan is good.
My plan? Act natural.
I’m not doing anything wrong. It makes me happy and, for me, is the true expression of who I am.
It’s not a fetish or a sexual thrill it’s just me.
And if anyone says anything while I’m out i just smile and say, ‘thanks for noticing.’
Hope this helps.-joanne
Darcy
Many years ago I got caught by my wife .I thought that she was going to be gone for a couple of hours, so I decided to get dressed en femme. I was in our bedroom wearing a bra and a prosthetic vagina with one thigh high stocking on one leg and a blonde shoulder length wig on my head, when the bedroom door opened and she appeared. She just glared at me in total shock and disbelief. When she finally spoke, she asked me if I was a faggot and if I was gay,.I just hung my head in shame. There’s nothing you can say when your wife catches you half dressed wearing a prosthetic vagina..She left me standing there in my embarrassment. I put my feminine clothes and lingerie in a suitcase and some of my male clothes, then left and went to a motel. A few days later I was served with divorce papers. I didn’t want to get divorced but it was best because she had lost all feelings for me. My advice is if you want to continue to dress en femme, go somewhere where you won’t get caught. Good luck Darcy
I told my wife pre-marriage but tried to quit. She found things over the years but was still surprised a year ago when she walked in my office and i quickly closed a picture of woman that she did not get a good look at and realize was me. As someone mentioned earlier, it does not get easier, i too thought i would come out once our kids were in college but that was two years before. I told her i had tried quitting many times, felt guilty, and it just was not going to go away. We are working through it.
Yes, you should have a plan, I personally don’t think getting caught dressed is the best plan although the same thoughts crossed my mind many many times. Even just leaving clothes out for her to find would be easier as you would have the conversation as the guy she is married to. But if she finds something and doesn’t say anything she may wonder if you are cheating. People tend to get wrapped around the axel and go down rabbit holes thinking the worst.
It is best for you to explain it to her which could be in a letter and references for her to educate herself about CDing. She probably has no concept or reference about it other than ru paul and caitlyn jenner. Then over time she can ask questions and you can answer them and she can get exposed to the other woman on her terms.
You also would want to do this when things are good, she isn’t stressed ,and you two have time to talk about it. Having it discovered at a bad time will only exasperate things.
I appreciate all the responses thus far. They are as varied as I expected which is a good thing as it allows me to consider things from multiple angles. I must say I feel somewhat like Schrodinger’s cat sitting atop Ozcam’s razor with all of this….without revealing my truth I am both happily married and happily living part time as Darcy. If the “box” is opened I have no guarantee that both can coexist. But how do I know which option I can keep until I open the “box”. Then to factor in the Ozcam’s razor element I must decide which is most important to me (happy marriage/happy Darcy) and go the simplest route to retain my choice. A happy marriage is most important to me and the simplest route to that is to say goodbye to Darcy.
So to achieve what is most important means saying goodbye to Darcy, but I’m honestly not ready as it provides me a level of comfort that I have never been able to source from anywhere else or from anyone else. Quite the conundrum to say the least. So I will write the letter so if I am caught I will be able to cogently be able to explain my position without the trauma that such an event would inflict on my ability to speak. That is until such time as I can say goodbye to Darcy.
Thank you all – I really appreciate each of you, and I thank you for reading my internal debate.
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Hi Darcy.
The letter is a good idea unless she uses it as blackmail to divorce you but you should know your wife better than I. Would she do that? Be sure to address the most common question SO’s have which is, “Are you gay?” followed by, “Do you want to become a woman?”.
I was deep in the closet for decades until I came out to my wife about six years ago. One of the first things she said after “Are you gay?” was, “This explains a lot.” After a lot of questions and long talks she has come to accept more and more of Michelle.
You talk like you think Darcy can just go away if the wife doesn’t approve but I don’t think its that easy, at least not for most of us.
I suggest you ease into a conversation with her about crossdressers and see how she feels or a more dramatic approach would be to leave some feminine article out for her to find then have the conversation. I think either one of these methods would be better than having her walk in on you dressed or to find your whole stash without any prior clues. She is going to be pissed no matter how she finds out by the fact that you kept this hidden from her.
Yeah, that’s it, isn’t it?
I could be in serious trouble… May I PM you, Michelle? Perhaps as legal council?
Cheers,
Barb
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Hi Barb.
LOL… PM me anytime dear
My wife knows. We were together for many years where I dressed secretly and was always one mistake from getting caught. Then I got tired and intentionally introduced parts of my hidden world. She sort of accepts my behavior, but doesn’t want to see me dressed. So now I keep dressing out-of-sight, fearful of her seeing me and fearful she’ll suddenly say our marriage is over and she’s done.
Life in daily limbo continues. Not knowing if she’ll stay, not knowing if I’ll stay and keep this part of me hidden.
My wife went out to her sisters and I was expecting her to be away for a few hours. So I took the opportunity to get dressed. Problem was her sister wasn’t in and she returned and caught me fully dressed in a mid length dog tooth skirt, black stockings, blouse and black suede court shoes. With mascara, lipstick and eyeliner.
She was a bit shocked but after I undressed we had a chat about it and we talked about whether I was gay or wanted to be a woman, how long I’d been dressing, was it sexual etc.
She was quite calm and even let me dress and did my makeup using her stuff. We never really talked about it again and occasionally when it comes up she looks for reassurance by saying “but you don’t do that anymore do you?” I just say it’s not something I can stop doing and to be fair whilst back then I said I didn’t want to be a woman and that was true then . I’m not sure it’s true now. We do watch “Say Yes to the Dress” together and Drag Race. She looks at some of the contestants and asks if that’s how I would want to look. I tell her that they are caricatures of woman and that when I dress I want to look like a woman. She seems reassured by this!
Good luck with your SO on your journey.
Love
Gillian
Let life HAPPEN, Its way tooooo short. Darcy can be her Best friend ever, Me and my wife have a ton of fun, she sais im a much sweeter person, more understanding, can tell Brianna stuff she wouldnt bring up to the other (male me), and I totally am that way. she is no doubt my best friend and im hers, in both male and female. She encourages me to come over as much as possible, WAY WEIRD, because I was SCARED TO DEATH to tell her. I had a jeans skirt I had for halloween, not really, but thats how the conversation started. and now amazing!!!
best wishes, GOOD LUCK, done deprive your feelings, desires.
Xx
BriannaHi Darcy
I am totally in the closet as well. I also had the idea of writing all of my feelings down just in case. I think it is only a matter of time before I do get caught. I sometimes wonder if I haven’t been caught already. I had a pair of heels out while I was exercising in our basement a few weeks back, and my wife came downstairs unexpectedly for something. She was looking around (we have several projects going on at once in this space plus exercise equipment all over) I was sure she saw them, and felt my face get hot from the stress of the impending discussion. It didn’t come. Now I’m not sure if she missed the shoes, or if she is more accepting than I could have imagined. Either way I will be composing my thoughts for what is the inevitable day when I’m caught for sure.
Love and hugs, Lara
I am reading this thread with interest because I had a girlfriend I wanted to tell but just could not. I prepared a talk for months but it never happened because I lacked courage.
I am in a different situation now in that I have a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend. Instead of stalling and stalling, i finally told him something like this. “I would like to disclose something about myself that I have revealed to very few people ever. For many years, off and on, i have felt an attraction to women’s clothing. The attraction comes and goes, but lately I have been thinking about it more and more, I do not really understand why, but I would like to try on some feminine items.”
Maybe the dynamic is different in a gay relationship, but my partner took it well, Yes, he asked me questions like did I want an operation. He has no interest in seeing me dressed, and I have not shown him any of my clothes, but now I do not feel like I will have to explain things awkwardly upon getting caught, which may or may never happen.
I wish I had said the above to that ex-girlfriend years ago.
CeCeI got “caught” when I left some jewellery out in “plain sight”. Then some time later when we were due to move house and I was in hospital, (yeah poor timing I know…), prior to an inspection she went down to my Shed for a clean up and found A WHOLE LOT more stuff. The next hospital visit was touch “fraught”….
Its second time around for both of us, no. 1/ hated anything to do with Caty with a passion. This time around it’s “knows but does not want to know”.
Each to their own way of handling this age old topic for all CD”S in a relationship.
Caty
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