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1. To the crossdresser: This is your choice, not your SO’s.
2. Your “reveal timing” has an effect on acceptance.
3. Your SO thought she had the man of her dreams, the man she truly loved. In reality, she got you and your “girl friend”. So instead of the two you, there is the three of you.
4. Three people, living the life that is traditionally for two, don’t kid yourself, it is hard. You know the saying, “two women in the house never works”. Never say never! It can work, with a lot of conversation, an extreme amount of understanding and a sense of humor.
5, Conversation….all three of you, husband, girl friend and wife, must talk! Expressing feelings, (sometimes this is really hard), remember, NO yelling, no arguing, if it gets to that point, STOP!
6. Understanding….there are emotions that are extreme, impossible to understand. Talking, reading, searching for information. Be careful of the information you find. Some of it is extreme, not at all true and written by someone looking to make a buck.
7. Sense of humor. This is so hard to explain. If you are new to this, especially for the SO, you see nothing funny about any of it. But in time and with understanding, and going back to the conversation, you will “get it”. Imagine standing in the store, your man is under dressed and you see him trying to be so discrete fixing a bra strap…..you just bust out laughing and you get THAT look!!!
8. Where you live, your circle of friends, family, your church, where you work, your kid’s school, how old they are, the list goes on and on. Crossdressers, yes, all of this effects you, but please remember it also effects your SO, possibly more so than you. Be patient, be willing to compromise and always, always put your SO first. Keep in mind there are two of you and only one SO!! For the most part, I believe a SO leads a very private and lonely life. She may have friends, but probably does not confide in them the BIG secret that she is living. She may find it easier to isolate, than to keep that secret or risk saying something that she should not.
9. Do not expect total acceptance ever. Do not expect your SO to use the proper pronouns or your fem name. This all takes time at the very least, and it may never happen, either because she finds it hard to remember, or simply because she finds it not acceptable to her standards.
10. If your SO is willing to accept you as you, the two of you, be thankful for whatever you get. Don’t rush!!!! To you, SO, this will never go away. You must make your choices. Sincerely hoping that you can embrace this new world, find out all you can, and just “go with it”. It is doable!!!
I urge all of you to seek any information and help you can find. Crossdresser Heaven is a super place to start. All three of you will find information, but also friends that are understanding and will help in any way they can.
If at all possible, for a really informative, entertaining and just plain good old fun, try to come to the KEYSTONE CONFERENCE. For more information”
keystoneconference.org
Good luck in your journey thru life…………to all three of you!!!!
Linda,
Thank you very much for your post. As always, there is never a real “one size fits all”. And I’m sure a whole lot of people can see themselves in that triangle of their wife, their “girlfriend” and themselves.
However, for some others there is no such “girlfriend” or third entity, whatever name we could assign to it. I can talk for me, of being only me all the time, regardless of what I may be wearing. Took time to realize that separating the masculine from the feminine wasn’t healthy, at least not for me. Being able to integrate it all in one single persona has given me a lot of peace. And hopefully at some point my wife will also see how there is only “me”.
Regardless, I hope you all will have some helpful conversations at Keystone.
Gabriela
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Wonderful words of wisdom from someone with the knowledge to write them. Thank you.
🍷C Sorry, but I have to disagree with your initial premise of “all three of you”. Many of us are just guys who dress. There are two people in our relationship, myself and my wife. No doubt for some, maybe even many, there are three.
…and I respect you and your relationship of three. My point is only that we all have different relationships, and that is a good thing.
JJ,
I respectfully ask you if your wife agrees with you on there just being the two of you? It is common for us SOs to feel like there is another woman, even when our husbands don’t feel that way. Just curious.
Hugs,
Betty
And if you ever get to the point of wearing clothing around her,,, never ever, never, never, never, wear your s/o’s stuff without asking, never. She however need not ask you, ever. Ever. That’s just how it works.
We share everything except makeup and undies without thinking about it, but she will always remind me who’s top that is. I however, am one of the lucky ones that has a totally accepting gg with no restrictions other than full transitioning. That would be the deal breaker. After 24 years together, she is well versed on Trans people now.
Jill,
I call you having to ask and she doesn’t the “crossdressing tax.”
Hugs,
Betty
I always enjoy hearing input from spouses and S.O.s, whether it is at a support meeting or in forums such as this.
I am going to respectfully vary somewhat in the way I view some of the points you made, Linda.
My wife knew exactly what she was getting into long before we were married, along with many other things, so my cross dressing was no surprise to her.
I am a man who likes to sometimes wear female clothing. Thus, we have only two persons in our marriage.
When it comes to the subject of cross dressing in our marriage, there are no secrets in our home or outside our home. Virtually everyone we know is aware I am a cross dresser. Thus, there are no “Big Dark Secrets” to worry about.
OK, I realize each CD’s situation is different, and there is no one-size-fits-all remedy or statement, but that is my point! We are all individuals. Each of us is on a unique journey!
My greatest regret in life was not considering these truths and being honest with my wife about Danielle when my wife wasn’t my wife yet. I hurt her so badly because of the other woman (me).
Excellent Linda!
I’ve come to understand that the need to dress isn’t a choice, acting on the need is. ‘Terri’ wasn’t in our life early on as he thought she might go away after being married. She didn’t. For this SO, it’s easier to understand by seeing two parts of the same person. My husband doesn’t wear girlie things, Terri does.
If the CD hubby doesn’t understand the reason why there is this feminine part, neither does the SO. Accepting is hard, sharing a secret that is not of our making.
About laughing. I suppose it was in bad form to bust up and laugh till tears when first seeing Terri fully dressed?
Hi Linda, thank you so much for your post. I hope all the girls here read it especially coming from the wife’s side of things. That said, I agree with a few of the girls who said there aren’t 3 people, only two.
The two biggest things that my wife has had a very hard time understanding is;
– it is not a competition, I am not dressing the way I do because I want you to. That goes for clothes, make up…everything. I’m like any other girl, I have my own style of dress and my own style of making up my face. Seriously my cross dressing has nothing to do with my wife. If anything my wife was my unsuspecting mentor in dressing and the use of make up.
– the second is my reason for saying there are only 2 people is I have been a crossdresser since the day I was born. There is one body with two people inside, the boy me and the girl me. Trish has been part of me from the start. She helped form the man that my wife loved and married. Speaking of which I came out to my wife before we were married. I could not in good conscience bring that secret into our marriage with out her knowing. To this day she’ll still say, sometimes, I married a man not a women and each time I say to her, no, you married both. Boy me and Trish are separate entities each with their own desires and quirks and they both make up the man that you married.
Unfortunately it has taken 45 years for her to even begin understanding what makes me me. But at this point, with the help of some of the girls from CDH as well as several others in my circle my wife has finally accepted my crossdressing. She is not, however, supportive and I doubt she ever will be. She has no desire to meet Trish and that’s fine. I am blessed with what she has given me. If she ever does start supporting me I would be ecstatic but if not I count my blessings.
Something that helped my wife and I immensely can be found on a blog called Kandi’s Land. If you google it you will find with a little searching something titled ‘An open letter to our wives” and it was written by Kandi. I had her email it to me after reading it and drying my tears. It played a huge roll in my wife becoming accepting as well as saving our marriage. If you can’t find it let me know and I will email it to you if you send your email. Thanks again Linda, you are, as Steph has said, ‘a very special lady’.
Trish 💖
Hi Linda you make some very interesting and thought provoking points. While your thoughts may not fit each and every situation, since no two relationships are exactly the same. I believe what we should all take away from this is, our first priority is our relationship with our SO. We are together because of mutual love and respect. My SOs feelings and happiness are considered before I make any decision that would effect the both of us. We are a team and as such, not baring forgetfulness or an occasional oopsy we discuss all matters of any importance which would naturally include my crossdressing.
But as far as your point 3.
“3. Your SO thought she had the man of her dreams, the man she truly loved. In reality, she got you and your “girl friend”. So instead of the two you, there is the three of you.”
I know for a fact my wife most certainly only sees two of us as a married couple (who have now been happily married for many years). There is no third person in our relationship. For anyone who has not read my posts, and maybe my situation may be somewhat unique, my wife was the one who introduced me to crossdressing before we were married. The idea of crossdressing had never really entered my mind one way or another before meeting my wife. She picked out my first panties, women’s jeans, yoga pants, heels shape ware etc. I own no male marketed clothing below the waist save for one suit one pair of boxer briefs and a tux for formal occasions. My wife prefers me dressed at least to some degree 24/7. She very cutely pouts and pretends to be sad if I’m not. Even though I primarily underdress outside the home, I also proudly carry a handbag, with my wife’s blessing, wherever I go.
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