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Hi all, I have a question, and I hope it doesn’t offend anybody. But I am curious as to why we feel the need to tell others (not our SO) about our dressing? I understand if you are Trans or living 24/7 but what about those who only dress in private and may venture out on occasion.
My therapist and I have discussed this at length. She feels I should come out to my daughter (she is 33), I feel very comfortable that she would be very open to it and accepting. However, I don’t see a reason to share with here or any of my kids or family or Friends. My wife knows and is for the most part accepting of my crossdressing. I believe I would transition, if I was younger, but at this point in my life I would never go through with it.
Just curious if anyone has felt the need to come out to family or friends, and what was your motive to do so?
I dont hold these views, but I think the thought for coming out to our friends and family is that dressing and presenting as a woman in private prevents us from being our “true” and “authentic” selves to those we love. Following that logic, coming out to them could also lead to a more open and healthy relationship with those close to us.
In an ideal world, I think that is probably true but we live in a world with many flaws and people are really complicated. Ultimately, I have to live with my choices so I try to follow what feels “right” for me. I dont follow everything my therapist says. I havent even disclosed to him that I present as a woman sometimes or that I am attracted to men – I do want to but I am working on so much with him already, one step at a time. Sometimes I just want my therapist to challenge me and help me make sense of my life – not necessarily tell me what I shouldnt or should do. Again, he doesnt live my life or deal with the consequences of my actions – only I do.
So in short, if it doesnt feel right telling your kids, then dont. There must be more to that decision than even your therapist knows. That’s just my two-cents.
Hi Jackie
For myself it was done for a few reasons.
More freedom of expression. It allowed me to dress more at home without the fear of someone dropping by and coming to the door. If I were out driving around, I was able to drop in on them without having to drive all the way home first and change.
I lived alone and had already had one heart attack. Should something else have happened to me, it would likely have been one of my kids that found me (in a state of dress?)
I would rather have had the conversation with them before the possibility of them being blindsided by information from others or gossip.
Olivia
I was on my own and I dressed and it was something I was doing more and wanted somebody to know. It was an internal scream. I had to tell someone,there were lots of reasons milling around my head, none made real sense as telling someone was a gamble. What would it achieve? I didn’t know until I told someone.
Hi Jackie, first off each individual is different and each individual “s circumstances are different. For me personally it was the mental stress of trying to conceal from the outside world who I really was from a young age. Now I am at ease, those I trust know, those that find out either accept me or goodbye. I am sure I have found the right balance between the two identities that me. But I am not one who has to swing from the rafters and announce to everyone outside of this site my life. But my style of life has been enriched by those that love me, support and accept that style I choose. The dark shadows of secrecy is a lonely road.
Lol Amanda xx
My first thought is that it’s a feeling – a need to stop skulking around in secret, trying not to get caught, and to take it beyond merely wearing a frock around the house when the kids and missus are out.
Of course, you could go for a country walk or a reasonably far off town, maybe book a hotel and still keep the secret.
It’s a secret that takes energy and part of your life – and, if you’re sharing your life with others, it makes sense to share it.
After all, with proper understanding of your motivations, it’s innocent enough – or maybe it isn’t.
That’s your personal journey, and, if you’re discovering things about yourself that you didn’t realise, it’s just part of growing – and doesn’t it seem fair to share that whatever the results?
Sooner or later, getting caught is on the cards, if you do something regularly enough – and the stress if knowing it could be any time was too much for me – I went through a very stressful work situation, and decided enough with the stress in my life.
Sure, coming out brought new concerns, but the sword of Damocles of cross dressing is no longer one.
My wife knows, even if she doesn’t fully support, and I get time to dress, and it’s been an amazing experience so far – life-changing and enhancing – an epiphany, if you like, without exaggerating.
It’s the gift that keeps on giving, even if in little ways most of the time.
At least, that’s been my experience.
Wives are human, so will respond in their own ways – we can do everything in our power to make it as easy as possible for them, but some find it harder to accept than others, and it’s not easy to deal with.
But, on the whole, I would say it’s the fair way forward – just don’t expect too much, as too little is really known about cross dressing outside of sites like this- and there really aren’t many sites like this one!
Love Laura
Hi Jackie, pretty much the same reasons as the others who’ve replied. It was just so liberating telling my wife. I wish she’d let me tell our adult children (but she prefers that they don’t know – although my daughter is pretty perceptive and probably knows). I also find it is so practical. As I dress everyday, I don’t have to hide anything (my wife tells me to make sure Krista’s things aren’t lying around when the kids drop by). My granddaughter is a very snoopy 11 year old and I”m sure she’ll find my things (as they really aren’t hidden at all). She did find one of my very femme scarves a few days ago and my wife told her it is from our costume stuff. So I let my granddaughter keep the scarf. That’s ok as I have a lot of them. All the Best, Hugs, Krista.
Hi Jackie, my thoughts have moved in that general direction lately.
My crossdressing is a private thing and I dress for my myself.
My wife knows about it but prefers to ignore it and pretend that it doesn’t happen. I don’t really feel it’s necessary to tell the world.Hugs, Jillian
PS, having said that I’lol probably change my mind something in the future. After all changing her mind is a woman’s prerogative.
I have no need to tell anyone. I’m just trying to live my life. I’ve even let my guard down, like leaving the drapes wide open when strutting around in my high heels, nylons and house coat. I’ve even uploaded many photos, perhaps in the hope that I do get noticed. I guess as I get older many of my friends are slowly drifting away, so the risk of embarrassment is waning. I dunno…
Hopefully, it’s not such a big deal nowadays. I so much want to be me!
Hugs! Barb 🙂
Hi Jackie,
Excuse the essay 😉
I’m sorry to sound cryptic, but a good many years ago in another area of my life I felt I needed to sit my wife-to-be down and ‘have a talk”. I knew if I didn’t that things might crop up later, and enter the familiar can of worms of ‘trust’ and ‘openness’. The question then arose “Were her kids old enough to both understand and cope with the necessary secrecy?” No, of course they weren’t, they weren’t even double digits old. So adjustments were made. When the time came a lot later I sat them down too. They didn’t care one way or the other, but had gained a maturity to deal with things themselves.
I did it to be honest to myself and to them, and unashamedly for selfish reasons too. It meant I wasn’t especially hiding the person I was and could live a freer life. And meanwhile, good friends who I was still in contact with from early days, had known all along and didn’t give a damn.
How does this relate to ‘coming out’. Well number one, cross dressing does not so far dominate my life – it’s part of me, but not all of me. (just me! – not a general observation) and number two, what am I coming out about? (Cross reference to ‘what sort of cross dresser are you?’ – my answer is ‘I don’t know’). So already, I’m reluctant to be typecast because I’m just not that confident enough as to quite who I am in this respect. Instead I find aspects are leeching into ‘my’ – that is me, me, me – ordinary life, so in one sense I am drip feeding a more complete myself into the outside world. It suits me, and it doesn’t overload people on the outside.
So this xmas, I’ve found myself introducing a silly little thing like ‘dangly’ earrings to my life, hopefully my everyday life. Not very common around these parts – the odd sleeper style maybe, but so far only a local vicar who sports a dangly christian cross on his ear. And I feel confident to deal with any observations or snide remarks with insightful remarks like “why not?”, or “big deal”, or “up yours!” if called for. But the idea is to be open about it, and not something I hide away for private moments. It’s hardly coming out, is it? But another little piece of the jigsaw I’ve found and fitted.
Just some of my thoughts, if you don’t like them, don’t worry, I have others, lol. (Edit: A joke! Plagiarised from Groucho Marx)
Marti xxx
I have told a few people, most recently my daughter who was completely accepting. My motivation is mostly because I hate the secrecy most of us feel we need to have.
Part of this is I’ve now accepted myself that this is part of me, and always has been I think, only I didn’t realize nor could I accept it. This is my evolution, and now being more open about my gender fluid personality comes naturally. All that said there are definitely some people in my life whom I don’t think would be understanding or accepting so I am keeping this a secret from them. So I keep this a secret in some circles of my life which don’t overlap into others
The risk is that somehow word get out and into the wrong circles and I’ll be outed. So if that were to happen I believe I have the confidence and strength within to deal with the fallout.
It depends upon the person, some seem to thrive on the secrecy, or at least aren’t bothered so much by it, but that’s not who I am.
Amy
While I would have loved to live my life as a woman I did not. Comming out would change everything and not for the better. I am not willing to rebuild my life as I have a pretty good one. I venture out whenever I can. With and without my wife and love it. I was conflicted for a while and then realized I like both of me and comming out in this community would destroy my male side.
Thanks for sharing that Michelle. I feel a bit the same – deep down I wonder if I might love to be a woman 24/7 but I have a life that would possibly be completely upturned if I would take it any further than sharing with my partner. It is something I have struggled with a bit inside for a long time in terms of how open I am and how far I want to go with that part of my life. It is helpful reading yours and everyone’s stories.
Sincerely
Sabine
My best friend who is also my wife knows and is fully supportive. Other than her and the girls on CDH haven’t really anybody else to tell. Parents or sister would not understand at all and the area where I live, is very rural and for the most part fairly bigoted for anything different in this world. Maybe this may change over time.
Jackie, as you read here everyone is different and has different circumstanses/needs.
For me when I accidently let my X find out the first thing she did was to tell our # grown kids. Then she threatened to tell my 4 brothers. After listening to this for 6 months or more one by one I told them myself. So far only one maybe? negative response.
I now so freed up to go out little worries about being clocked, some worry about running into a co-worker or someone else I know. I try to go out at least once a week and walk/shop the local mall.
what ever you decide that works for you, hope all goes well
. . CassieFor me, it is not so much the need to tell someone, but rather a dislike for hiding it, and being in a way dishonest with my loved ones. My family holds honesty in our relationships high in our parthenon of values. Not being able to share this aspect of who I am with my family is one grates me. Now that being said, I have only actually shared with my wife. Keeping my preference for feminine attire from my wife nearly drove me insane. Even my wife recongnized that something was unbelievably stressing me out. And while I am sure that my mother knows, and that my brother and his wife have their suspicions, I have not shared it with them, and have only discussed the topic in academic and general terms. I would like to share it with them, and God willingly be more open about it, but the damage to our relationship is a risk that I cannot take at this time. More importantly, I would not want to put any of them in a position to have to lie to anyone about it.
MacKenzie Alexandra
I told my wife when it blossomed in me, because we don’t keep secrets. I told my doctor, pastor, and then counselor because I needed help. I want to tell more people because I feel it’s needful inside me to be authentic. I’m trans, non binary, gender fluid, and rather want to be open about it. I can’t be fired because of it, that’s against company rules. But right now I simply can’t because my wife isn’t ready for that, and she might not ever be ready. And I really need her.
Bridgette
Hi Jackie, I revealed that I am a crossdresser to my wife at first to just be able to fiinally be totally vulnerable and bridge the chasm I created over 40 yeras of hiding and deceit. Now, I realize I’ve been repressing more than just that. Once I began removing body hair and going out, I found I need to live life as a female. It will be impossible to hide the changes of HRT, so I will need to come out to everyone I know in the near future.
Of course, if I had found I could remain a closeted CD and be happy with that lifestyle, I likely would never have told anyone other than my wife and a few medical team members (dermatoilogist, PCP, etc.). Hiding from a spouse or SO is possible, but for me 40 years of carrying that burden just became too much for me.
Hugs,
Brielle
The answers of course would very on a number of factors; the person and whether cd or tg, their degree of CDing, their spouses opinion and comfort level, and how family and friends would be expected to react.
My wife knows and we are working through things. I don’t feel the need to be out to the world but I also do not care if people were to find out. If my wife feels the need to talk to some of her friends about it I would be ok with that. We have two college aged girls and don’t plan to tell them at this point because there is no need to it. I really see no need to tell other family members since I do not plan to dress around them.
Interesting topic, my first wife knew from the start that I was a CD but was never that comfortable about it, being of strong conservative English stock. She passed away a number of years ago from cancer, and I Remarried a cute gal 5 years ago. I could no longer hide from reality so I told her about Lauren. She wasn’t overly surprised as it seems my late wife had told the kids about my “little habit” and my daughter informed my new lady that the guy she was interested in came with “baggage”. So we’re working on it and I think it will be okay. I have a number of friends that know because of the fact I attended costume events dressed to the nines from the skin out and they said it was obviously more than just a costume. I get bra’s and other underfashions from two stores and the sales ladies I deal with both know and always seem to get a kick out of showing me around even though I’m always in Drab Mode. I have shown them pictures of Lauren and they were both impressed. So coming out can be an adventure and things can go in both directions, but I always feel relieved to let the truth come out and have nothing to hide.
There are a few reply’s that are similar to my position. My wife is the only person that knows and I think I will keep it that way, as I don’t want to jeopardise the relationships I have with my friends and family. Saying that my CD life is very important to me and I wonder if things might change in the future.
l needed to,could not hold onto it no more
Celeste, not sure what you mean by the age thing?
Jackie,
I think she’s referring to your statement that you would have considered transitioning if younger.
I’m 58 and I feel exactly the same way. If transitioning was an option when I was in my teens or 20’s, I might have done it. But I’ve built an entire life as a man. It would be way too disruptive to my professional and personal life to start transitioning at this point. I don’t have Catelyn Jenner money to fall back on, nor the time to reestablish myself. I need to keep my current career.
I’ve only told two people: my eldest daughter who is a big LGBTQ advocate and my youngest son who is transgender himself. My older son caught me dressed, but that’s another story completely.
I think the reason we seek someone to share our secret with is to get validation. I so wanted someone to tell me that: 1) I wasn’t completely crazy; 2) I was still loved; and (hopefully) 3) that I was actually somewhat attractive as a woman. It gets very lonely dressing alone in our bedrooms and some of us are too afraid to venture out (as I said, I can’t risk my career). Having a close friend or family member who is supportive, can be really helpful.
Hugs,
EliseCeleste, very true age really doesn’t but, I have kids and grandkids. My life has been that of man and I am not willing to make that change and disrupt my family. Like I said if I was younger I mostly likely would have transitioned.
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