• This topic has 26 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by Donna.
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  • #574364
    Rach
    Participant
    Registered On: November 7, 2021
    Topics: 2
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    Rach’s Epistle to the Cidiachions (pronounced see-dee-YAY-chee-uns)

    No, this isn’t the religious type of epistle. I just needed to express my sadness over recent turmoil.

    Ugh, it’s been a rough week around here. For my part, I’ve already apologized. This post is meant simply to provide clarity, as I was unable to express myself properly before and believe I created misconceptions along with disruption.

    I don’t hate CDs. I was one, for decades. I wish I still could be. I don’t recommend transition to anyone and I’m not here trying to get anyone to “join my club.” I’m here trying to join your club. My extremely horrible communication skills clearly did not convey that.

    I’m transgender and transsexual. I’m also a former crossdresser. It seems some think I am here on a recruitment mission of sorts or to bash the CD lifestyle. I messed up badly if I gave either impression, as both are not accurate.

    Let me clarify, if you will. I am not a fan of transition. I never have been. I don’t recommend it to anyone, ever. There’s a reason for that. I see it as a last resort to cope with dysphoria, only if all else fails. It is not who I wanted to be and it still isn’t, despite it being who I am now. It’s simply the best I could do personally, given my dysphoria, my lack of strength, inability to cope, and general brokenness.

    For me, it was the only way and I have no regrets, but omg it was hard, and the sacrifices…do NOT do this unless you absolutely cannot be okay without it. That is what I always tell people, every single time they ask me. Family, friends, finance, career, health…you’re jeopardizing them all when you choose this path. The only way it makes sense is if those things are already in jeopardy.

    Who did I want to be? Well, you…you crossdressers. I still do. I wrote about my dream and some of you took offense. I must be horrible at communicating, because I was being honest. I’m jealous of you. I wanted a life where I could have my cake and eat it too, express my femme side and not pay the price of transition, keep it all…the whole enchilada.

    If I could get there from here, I’d be on my way. Sadly, it’s not possible for me. I was a bit too sick maybe, required more extreme treatment to be able to cope. My thing, whatever we call it, was too severe to allow a life like that. It’s my dream though, for real.

    Somehow, my posts come off different, offensive to some CDs. I suspect that’s more due to my horrible communication skills than my actual thoughts, but I guess I can never really know.

    I hope maybe this post has cleared up a misconception or two. I’m not your enemy, I don’t hate you, and I didn’t come here to troll. If I could, I would BE most of you. Honest, no bull crap. I just wasn’t strong enough to do it.

    I hope no one left on my account or because of anything I said. I will not forgive myself if that’s what I’ve caused. I don’t know all of what has been brewing here or how much if it is my fault, but it’s not okay and I would rather those people come back, all of them. It’s a big site, I can go back to enjoying other aspects of it and stop making waves in your forum. No problem.

    I thought I handed out a victory with my public apologies. I guess I don’t have either the authority or the ability to surrender, lol, as those leaving clearly chose not to be here even after my apology.

    Don’t leave, you won. I surrendered already. I never wanted to hurt anyone, offend anyone.

    I’m not trying to start an argument. I don’t want that at all and hope I haven’t inspired anything negative here, with CDs, transfolk, or anyone. I hadn’t planned on posting for a while, maybe a long while, but as I see people feeling attacked, I want to say I don’t intend to inspire that in anyone moving forward and if I’m the reason you’re leaving, I’d like a chance to solve the problem by changing how I communicate first and being a less disruptive, less vocal presence.

    Give me a chance to grow, I’d ask. I’m trying. You can’t do that if you leave now.

    That’s all. Carry on. Thanks.

Viewing 11 reply threads
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    • #574587
      Donna
      Lady
      Registered On: January 17, 2021
      Topics: 157
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      HI Rach first know those touchy subjects can be plain hurtful or helpful. Knowing that the right or wrong words will set off a reaction. If somehow everyone could control emotions without starting flame wars. subjects like this could continue.  Personally rather debate subjects at times over things like what color of panties wearing today. Its  all good.  Just like any other forums many start out good but end up nothing but flamewars towards each other.   I am open to all opinions and really would like others to be open on mind too..

      Oh Rach know I am fixing to go under the knife Monday understand you did it but regretted it. would love to know more in a pm if have a chance.

      thanks Hun

      Donna

      7 users thanked author for this post.
      • #574770
        Cassie Jayson
        Duchess
        Registered On: September 29, 2019
        Topics: 35
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        Hi Donna. I would like to go off on a little tangent here. I have been looking into HRT and listening to some of the side effects. Is it true that some will expierance wild mood changes almost like going through puberty all over again.
        Thought since you have gone though HRT on your transition journey, have you or do you know others who have?
        Also wondering if some here who are on HRT have their ‘hurt feelings bar’ set very low.
        I hope I am not offending anyone.

        . . . .Cassie

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        • #574987
          Donna
          Lady
          Registered On: January 17, 2021
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          HI first of all more then welcome to ask the question does not bother myself.  Actually insist to ask questions. As for mood changes since been on HRT yes do have some from crying some if accidently break something or spill something.  to almost like PMS state can be really b*tchy mood. Also at times seems like taste of foods liked then don’t like now.  Was losing some head hair in spots then stopped and growing back also new hair growing out.  Like said different things can go on with different people.

          Oh do love how silky smooth has gotton. and also like fem oder gives off. Think could skip a shower if had to. giggles.

          Hugs Donna

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        • #574949
          Regine Kelly
          Princess
          Registered On: October 9, 2020
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          Im sorry, but I am going to join your tangent,as an aside
          I am not taking HRT, though I am strongly considering it. However, my hurt feelings bar has been greatly lowered, in the year I have been presenting full time as a woman when at home. I find, and my wife agrees, the more I immerse myself in the woman within, the thinner my skin becomes, even to the point I now have that B!##h side to me,shudders.
          Hugs, Regi👸💖

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        • #574790
          Rach
          Lady
          Registered On: November 7, 2021
          Topics: 2
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          Cassie, I’d like to respond to part of that if I may.

          I don’t feel offended, nor are my feelings hurt by what you’ve said here. But when I read your last two sentences, I sense frustration.  It seems perhaps we share a difficulty in communicating here, as we don’t necessarily mean what some people seem to think we mean sometimes.

          Ironically, many of those same people oppose defining terms, say it’s not necessary, offensive even.  I get that side of the discussion too and they make good arguments, but I feel your frustration.

           

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          • #574861
            Cassie Jayson
            Duchess
            Registered On: September 29, 2019
            Topics: 35
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            Hey Rach. I know sometimes you feel like you are walking on egg shells. It is something I get at home all the time. I often ask a question, just so I know what SHE is thinking or wants to do. Next thing she asks’s ‘are you calling me stupid’ or ‘you didn’t hear what I already told you because all you think about is dressing like a girl’.
            . .. Cassie

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      • #574592
        Rach
        Lady
        Registered On: November 7, 2021
        Topics: 2
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        Hey Donna, I’m glad you’re here.

        One small thing.  I never said I regretted transition.  I tried to convey that for me it was a last resort for being okay, happy.  I have found some peace and happiness, finally. I just didn’t achieve my dream of keeping both sides alive.

        I wish you all the happiness in the world on your journey.  I’m happy to discuss anything you want by PM.  I like you, despite how it may have seemed recently.

        Thanks hon.

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        • #574596
          Donna
          Lady
          Registered On: January 17, 2021
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          Thank you Rach. Ever since heard about your transitoning been intrigued to know some more. But yes some pm would be great later on. IF still around Just getting home from work. get settled in lol.

          Donna

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    • #574581
      Abbie Normal
      Duchess
      Registered On: June 13, 2021
      Topics: 12
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      Rach, I’m so glad you’re staying. Honestly, I felt a loss that night when you disappeared seemingly mid-conversation. I never could see the last two messages you sent.

      Anyway, I also hope that all that we’ve lost will return in time. Hopefully anyone that needed it will see this and take your words in the spirit they were intended. Hugs!

      — Abbie 🥰

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    • #574577
      Stephanie Roberts
      Princess
      Registered On: May 20, 2020
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      Thanks Rach for your post and for explaining what happened.
      I give you a big hug.
      Love, Stephanie 💖

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #574458
      Angela Booth
      Lady
      Registered On: August 1, 2020
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      That’s one heck of an apology and understanding of the reasoning and of the person behind it. So I accept that apology. We live, we learn, we move on.

       

    • #574454
      Brielle Ross
      Duchess
      Registered On: August 14, 2021
      Topics: 2
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      Thank you , Rach! I think you are wonderful and I am honored to know you here. Be the fierce woman you are and for my part, you are always welcome here! 💋

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #574449
      Bianca Everdene
      Lady
      Registered On: April 11, 2017
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      Thanks for sharing Rach, and I hope anybody offended by what you said accepts your apology and move on.

      Freedom of expressing ourselves is what most of us strive for, so we should be open to allowing others to express themselves.

      The term ‘trans’ is such an emotive term, certainly open to interpretation, discussion and disagreement. As long as we are all free to express our opinion, discuss, learn, teach, agree or agree to disagree on a civilised manner that’s how it should be.

      ❤️Bianca

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    • #574447
      stephanie plumb
      Baroness - Annual
      Registered On: November 17, 2018
      Topics: 185
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      Rach, don’t beat yourself up so much.  The issues are more wide ranging than you know.   Okay, so you inadvertently poured a drop of gasoline on an already simmering fire!  But you are not to blame as much as you seem to think.

      So, a lesson learned eh?  I give you credit for your taking it on the chin! and being gracious enough to say sorry.

      A  bit of advice given to us by a moderator some time back was “Think before you ink.”   Wise words that we should all take note of.   I myself have been in the naughty corner and learned from it.

      So, put it behind you.

      Stephanie P xx

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    • #574440
      Rach
      Lady
      Registered On: November 7, 2021
      Topics: 2
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      There is no need for anyone to respond here.  I welcome it but I know some don’t want to interact with me anymore and I understand.

      Anyone who left, anyone I turned off or offended, I get it if you don’t want to say anything to me. This is a white flag and a promise to change.  You don’t have to respond.  If you accept my surrender with my promise and you think we can coexist here on this huge site, just click thanks as an acceptance of my surrender and come back to the forum you love.  That’s all.  No need to say anything.

      8 users thanked author for this post.
    • #574422
      Elizabeth
      Lady
      Registered On: October 7, 2021
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      Rach, I haven’t taken offence by anything you’ve said and I hope I don’t give offence to you or anybody else. I prefer plain speaking provided it’s done in the proper way and out of respect for other people’s opinion. We have unfortunately today a society where a group of people will try and force their opinions on you. If you challenge them, you’re accused of being racists, transphobic, homophobic and other things. I don’t know nor understand what you and others like you have gone through. I’m certainly not going to judge you. Only God can do that.
      As for me I will always be a white, male heterosexual who would like the chance to wear female clothing on a regular basis. What other girls do or don’t do on this do is up to yourself. I certainly don’t want to have full surgery, because I believe God made me as I as I am and at the end of my life I’ll have to answer to him.
      Elizabeth

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      • #574429
        Rach
        Lady
        Registered On: November 7, 2021
        Topics: 2
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        I agree, and I regret every time I was part of the problem.

        6 users thanked author for this post.
        • #574432
          Elizabeth
          Lady
          Registered On: October 7, 2021
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          Rach, don’t cut yourself up love. You made a genuine mistake you’ve apologised, move on, just be yourself.
          Elizabeth

          5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #574420
      Barb Wire
      Duchess - Annual
      Registered On: September 16, 2021
      Topics: 12
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      Well…! There you are, Rach!

      I was going to admonish you for your temporary disappearance, not knowing what happened to you; but after a tear or two I just want to extend my hand in friendship then pull you in for a BIG HUG!

      We’re here, Rach! Yes, and by your own admission, your communicative approach is… colourful! This is one reason why I appreciate and, dare I say, adore you. I did NOT find offense to anything you wrote. Clearly, you were searching for answers, we just didn’t quite get the question at times. LOL!

      For what it’s worth, our exchanges, whether public or private, helped me to better understand who I am.

      I’m a “Femmy-Dude”, a dude who wants to be feminine as much as possible, who in my mind feels and dreams to be a woman, with or without the biology. It just feels right. I think the male and female parts within my mind can co-exist and in a very beautiful way too! And I have you to thank for helping bring my two halves together in peace and joy!

      I really do hope you find your peace and joy!

      Stay with us, Rach!

      💓 Barb 🤗

       

      • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Barb Wire.
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      • #574540
        Rach
        Lady
        Registered On: November 7, 2021
        Topics: 2
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        Squuuuuuueeeeeezeeee

        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #574648
          Barb Wire
          Duchess - Annual
          Registered On: September 16, 2021
          Topics: 12
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          Thanks! 😊❤️

    • #574409
      Celeste Starre
      Lady
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 43
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      “I don’t hate CDs. I was one, for decades. I wish I still could be.”

      Thanks for that.  I’ve known quite a few CD’s that eventually transitioned and I’ve often wondered how they feel about that very thing. I’m a member of a small group that meets twice a month. They are all transsexual except for me being the only CD in the group. For that reason I really don’t get much out of the meetings other than friendship which is the only reason I still attend  anyway.  Sometimes I hear the phrase “I used to think I was just a cross dresser.”  It’s not said in a malicious way (at least I don’t think it is) but I’ve often wondered if they wished they were “just a cross dresser”.  I know at least one of the wives wishes that. I know that I am very grateful that I am.  I wouldn’t want to go through their pain,both emotional and physical, nor the huge cost of transitioning.  Thankfully I love my life just as it is.

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      • #574427
        Rach
        Lady
        Registered On: November 7, 2021
        Topics: 2
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        This thing that shall remain nameless for now, it was both a blessing and a curse for me.

        Yeah, we are all different.  Thankfully so.  This thing affects us differently and some of us not at all I guess.  I think the goal is happiness or peace, a good and full life or as close to it as possible.  The path of least resistance is often the way.

        To use a poor analogy, we wouldn’t treat a bee sting in the hand by amputating an arm.  Nor would we be unhappy if we had an issue we could fix with a bandaid instead of surgery.  Wherever one falls on this spectrum of how bad our thing affects them, the goal is the easiest fastest way to peace and a happy life.  The best methods obviously vary.

        We are similar but different.  We can celebrate both.  I hope to.

        Thanks.

        Edit to Add: yes, some transsexuals are bigots and have issues with CDs.  I don’t know if anyone at your group feels that way, but I’ve walked away from groups over that in the past, and I’m here now, at CDH.  I can only speak for myself.

         

         

         

         

         

         

         

        6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #574398
      Fredrika Jones
      Lady
      Registered On: February 24, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 217
      Has thanked: 254 times
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      Thanks for your post. I myself must add to my previous post. You were saying that you had a problem with CDs who identified as male but wanted to be “girly” at the same time. You said you were female inside, which, of course, means transgender. You specified this in this post, which means wearing women’s clothes is no longer crossdressing – for you. I’m sorry if my own communications skills were inadequate. I think I read you loud and clear now. There was one perfect person on this earth since the beginning of time, and He was murdered over two thousand years ago. One more cliche before I go – “To thine own self be true.” You hang in there!

      Hugs and Kisses,
      Fredrika

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #574412
        Rach
        Lady
        Registered On: November 7, 2021
        Topics: 2
        Replies: 31
        Has thanked: 62 times
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        I’m sorry if that’s what you took from my previous writings.  At times I was personally feeling attacked as well and I responded poorly.  Extremely poorly.  I was frustrated and I allowed it to make me immature, combative, and reactionary.

        My communication was horrible, far from what I intended or hoped.  I came off differently than I wanted, an unacceptable way.  I didn’t intend to convey a problem with anyone for their lifestyle.

        I had this stupid idea that I could help provide a framework for discussion about things by establishing a toolbox full of words, a universal language if you will.  I bit off more than I can chew, for sure, and messed it up badly, even offending those I wanted to befriend.  Stupid, stupid Rach.

        Thank you for your response and your continued presence.

        4 users thanked author for this post.
        • #574473
          Brielle Ross
          Duchess
          Registered On: August 14, 2021
          Topics: 2
          Replies: 194
          Has thanked: 796 times
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          Rach, not stupid – just passionate. Everyone on earth is on the gender spectrum somewhere. If someone wants to say hetero CDs aren’t transgender or someone does want to say it, it’s all just a matter of semantics and we all can coexist on this infinite spectrum! Plenty of room for all of us. 😊

          7 users thanked author for this post.
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