• This topic has 22 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by J J.
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    • #691776

      My wife and I have had some difficult times since I told her of my crossdressing, I still clam up over certain things. We have an agreement on where our borders are and how I can bring Helene into ourlives without her being intrusive. I get the freedom, but when I take it, life gets uncomfortable between us. She’ll often look for advice on the internet and only gets the “since my husband came out, our sex life is double horny and we share makeup and underwear” people. That is never going to happen. this is the only site where everything is neutral, friendly, helpfull and not ‘in your face’ for wives and partners but by recommending she makes an account here and she starts looking around she will inevitably bump into my account….she vehemently does not want to be confronted with me dressed as Helene. I and my therapist feel it would be a benefit if she saw me dressed en femme. The fact that I’m not Franken Furter from the Rocky Horror show would kill that immage that she seems to have, or that all CD’s are rampant bisexuals with nothing on their minds other than orgies. I’d love to know what your thoughts are over this and am I filling the gaps in with my own paranoid thoughts.

    • #691784

      Helene –

      I understand what you are saying, thank you for sharing.  When I first told my wife of my dressing she asked if I was gay/bi, which I told her at the time no.  Since then and thru therapy I have admitted to myself that I am bi, but that is another discussion.  She said she didn’t want to see me dressed and that I couldn’t take it out of the house.  Since that time it has been quite the roller coaster ride.  We have gone from acceptance in her own way to having to stop to mild acceptance.  At one point she thought it was a phase I was going through.  I explained to her that my dressing helped me deal with stress and connect with my softer side.  She doesn’t want to see me dressed, but will have me try on clothes so she can make sure they fit right and give me tips on how to wear things.  She bought me make up and showed me how to use it (was fun having her put it on me and explain what she was doing).  She helped me pick out and buy my wig and recently helped me buy some jewelry at a craft fair.

      When I first came out to her I started looking online for support groups and found this site.  I told her about it and she looked at it.  She said that some of the pictures she looked at she would never have guessed they were men (quite the compliment).  She said she didn’t think it was for her and that I needed to remember our agreement about not taking it out of the house.  Needless to say I have been here since that time and as much as I would like to share this site with her I am hesitant to do so.  As you have said I don’t want her to see what I have posted as it could/would make things difficult.

      In the end we must each do what we are comfortable with.  Only you know your wife and how she will react, just remember that once the genie is out of the bottle there is no getting it back in.  Best of luck with whatever you decide.

      XOXO
      Suzanne

       

    • #691819

      Hi Helene,  My wife and I regularly share what we do on the net but I did not vote since she is not a member here.  She and I regularly talk and share about LGBTIQ issues and she is an ally and supports my intersex activism but she just prefers her own boards.  We will review each others outfits and pics and I value her input as she values mine.  It has taken several years to get to this position.  I liken my intersex condition to a couple that finds out halfway through their marriage that one of them has diabetes and now needs to make various life accommodations.  Not a life threatening situation and not what they started with but it can be worked out if everyone agrees to cooperate.  You only need to look around the world to see that in an instant things could be far worse.  Each relationship is different, so too will be a partner’s response to things like “Sorry, I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning today, or I totaled  the car today, or I have cancer or MS, or I was laid off today or I got off early today and made dinner since I knew that you had a long day today and another meeting tonight” or, or, or.  While some here may say wow, what a great relationship you have (it is and I do appreciate my wife) I also know the flip side (my first wife took off with her boss and left me broke).   I did hesitate to respond here because I thought that it might seem like preaching but, I realized that we are here on this board for information and perspective so that we might be able to understand a complex issue that is often not talked about.  So, I wish you and your wife well and hope that you both find the best parts of this situation.  Life is short.   Safe Journey,  Marg

      • #691989

        Thank you for your reply. You added a lot of valid points in to the conversation.

    • #691842
      Anonymous
      Lady

      It seems a DADT… Don’t Ask Don’t Tell… works for many of us with wives who know but don’t want to know or ever see us dressed. I know some want their wives to know everything but we shouldn’t force our fem selves on them. My wife doesn’t care and actually thinks this site and others are a good outlet for Michelle which it is.

      • #691954

        My wife was uncomfortable with DADT once it was clear it wasn’t going away.  She joined here because I thought she would have someone in a similar situation to discuss this with.  The SO page has been relatively inactive but she also has not signed in for some time and I know that new threads have been started.  Message boards are not my wife’s thing in general.

        • #691972

          Hi Nancy as i mentioned to Helene yes my wife is a member here and is willing to chat with you and your wife if it will help to answer any questions you or your wife might have as we have been married 39+ years and she has known all of them about Stephanie  Wifes name is Linda Bass message me and i will make sure she will be on line if you want to chat good luck girlfriend ..

          Stephanie Bass

    • #691966
      Leonara
      Ambassador

      Helene, this is an interesting topic… and my wife would not accept this site and, for the most part, my wife is still processing my CD revelation… I dress when the opportunity presents itself when she is not home. Our compromise is DADT.. It is working for us with respect to our 50 year marriage.. I respect wives/SO who support and participate with their SO/ wife feminine feelings..I am working on accepting and understanding, Leonara… thanks for listening my girlfriends… warmest regards, Leonara

    • #691970
      Emily Alt
      Managing Ambassador

      I had a DADT arrangement with my GF.  She was okay with my participation in forums, socializing, etc but had no interest in the details.  Ironically she’s more supportive now that we’re split up.

    • #691971

      Hi Helene as i voted my wife is a member here and if you think it will help she loves to chat and would answer any questions she might have .. As i came out to my wife 39+ years ago when we married she was supportive from the start and actually went to Keystone with Stephanie this year in 2022 and we have the plans to return in 2023 again she had a wonderful time as i did being first time out of my home as well as the first Keystone event i hope of many ha ha .. Wife is Linda Bass message me and i will make sure she is on line any time you or wife need to chat hugs girlfriend good luck..

      Stephanie Bass

      • #691985

        Thank you for your helpful suggestions, once she is in a better place with Helene (it is all much more stable) I hope we can take you up on your offer.

    • #691987

      [postquote quote=691972]
      This is what makes this site so good, the kindness, support and understanding from its members. Thank you once again.

    • #692068

      I haven’t told her specifically about CDH, but i have told her that i have talked to other girls like myself online.

    • #692292

      My boyfriend knows I’m on here and loves that I have this support group, but he has no desire to be a member here himself lol.

    • #692337

      Ok so this is a touchy subject with me. I had a really bad experience with this. Think absolute worst case scenario.

      Please allow me to explain. This is gonna take a minute.

      So I came out to my fiancé of, at that time, 10 years 2 years ago. I had already joined CDH and to be honest it was part of the reason I decided to come out to her. I was thinking about doing before I joined but with talking to others here I knew it was the right thing to do so I choked the bullet down and did it. After doing so she had the typical reaction but she kept saying she didn’t have anyone to talk to about it and I knew there was a place for the SOs here so I suggested she join. I was even friends with a couple of the wives who were very open and honest and also accepting of their husbands.  I thought to myself what better people to talk to about this? So I suggested she join.

      At the point at which I made the suggestion I had been in some pretty rough conversations with a couple of wives that were very obviously upset with their cd husbands and it was very obvious they hated the crossdressing for reasons that didn’t apply to all crossdressers. Those reasons were we are all lying, cheating, manipulative people who hide everything from everyone. As we all know, this is not the case. Most of us are very honest, exceptionally faithful people that tend to share openly with others. We hide this because of societies view on it. Enough of that. My fiancé instead of finding the positive women on here ,somehow got hooked up with these women. During all this there was a group of wives that would basically attack me on any post I made. When I would bring up how bad they made me feel she would say the exact same things to me which made me think that she was quite possibly one of them. This all came to a head at the point when one of the other cds on here defended me and then several people got mad and then the powers that be got involved. I was reprimanded along with several others. Those women never bothered me again. My fiancé banned me from the site so I just quit posting anything for about a year. I joined here for support from people like myself which I do receive. I’m glad I joined and I’m very glad I didn’t leave. I have no clue if my fiancé is still a member.

      I have to let this be known. Your wife will be able to see everything that you do on this site. You will not be able to see anything she does spare a comment she makes on a CD’s post. Their accounts are locked and you can’t even see their profile. At least that’s how it used to be. It may have changed now. I haven’t looked in a while.

      This is just one person’s opinion who had a bad experience.

      Jessica

    • #693038
      J J
      Lady

      I would not object to her being here, but I would be a little concerned that she might read posts I have made that might reveal a little too much personal information about our relationship.

    • #700264

      In the case of my relationship, I am the wife to a CDer.

      For me…it helped immensely and I realize now that I’m a bit of a rarity here.

      I had no idea what it was like to date a CDer and these boards helped give me some insight into the struggles you ladies face.  How I could better support my partner and what a blessing it was to them to not have to hide this part of them.

       

      I’m so sorry my loves, you all have struggled so.

      • #700276

        The world needs more women of your sort. Fabulous that you support your SO.

    • #700270

      I would be inclined to mention the site to my SO if I ever get up the nerve to tell her I am dressing again. My SO likes to get as much information on a topic as possible, and I have found the girls on this site to be helpful, courteous and respectful. I don’t think many SO’s are aware of how many of us there are, and then there is the misconception that we are looking for a different sexual relationship.

      Now if I could just get up the nerve……..

      XO – Julia

      • #700275

        I fully understand, its just sooo difficult. My wife knows and I still have trouble communicating.

    • #700283

      Rampant bisexuals?

    • #700300
      Sherri Remington
      Duchess - Annual

      Helene, I just told my wife of there being a SO group on this site last week. I don’t think she has searched it out as of yet because she has not asked me for any details but I think it was the right thing to do for both of us. I don’t have the fear of her reading anything that I may have put on CDH, I’m not divulging anything here, that we already haven’t discussed. She has known about my cross dressing for at least 35 years and yes there are the boundaries that she has set but I’m trying to expand those, so we both can enjoy my being Sherri more openly. So I wanted to help her with that by offering her the knowledge that this site was available, and she would have a user friendly place to discuss her thoughts with other SOs. It’s you wife and you know her best but I feel this is a very positive site and you should share it with her.

      Sherri

    • #701362
      J J
      Lady

      I made my wife aware that such sites as this exist if she ever wanted to know more about dressing. If she has searched here or elsewhere, I am not aware of it. She is pretty indifferent to my dressing, and really doesn’t care one way or the other.

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