Redo: New Member intro: Caelynn

[Olivia Faye Marie]

Hey Again,
So I wanted to take time to do a reintroduction. My original post was hasty, and it was late when I wrote it, and I was nervous. Consider it a first impression. Hopefully my second is slightly better.I am twenty-seven, soon to be twenty-eight here on May 24. For those who don’t want to do the math, I was born in 1989. that was the year the Berlin Wall fell, for history buffs like me. As a child, I thought that me being born was the reason the Berlin Wall fell. Ego much? I’m smiling as I write that line.</p>
<p style=”margin-bottom: 0in;”>I grew up with a multitude of medical difficulties. The hospital was a second home for much of my childhood. What you learn from experience like that is that you got to be tough and adaptable. To be strong and to do what you got to do to survive. You learn to cope. I say all this so you get an idea of my basic personality. I learned to cope by making a joke out of things that trouble me. I also use poetry to work through things that trouble me. Music also is a refuge for me. I like a lot of different things music-wise. Rock, Pop, Classical, Folk, Acapella. I love finding artist who have a unique sound. Who are different and stand out from the crowd. I guess that is a good way to move into the reason I’m here. After all, this is a site dedicated to Crossdressing and it’s community.
I’ve spent multiple nights thinking about why I have a desire to crossdress. My conclusion is that there wasn’t just one moment, but rather a bunch of little moments that ran together to make something greater. I remember my Dad was absent in the home. He was there, but he wasn’t attentive. I remember thinking, as a child does, that there must be something wrong with me and that maybe my dad would like me as a girl. But even before that, I was interested in dolls and such as much as I was video games and being a tough action hero Circa 80’s/90’s.

As I said before, My teen years was when my crossdressing really took off. It was also my most troubled time. Word of advice: don’t try to learn about Crossdressing online. There are so many weird, strange and downright pornographic sites out there on the internet. But that’s what I had to go on. There was no real point of reference for me at that point in my life. Everything I was thinking and feeling was so new and so strange. It had me scared to talk to anyone. Its the worst feeling to need help, but no one to help you. Worse yet is when people don’t know how to help. Then there are the people who try to help, but they don’t really have the answer. It was a very confusing and turbulent time for me.

All that has continued pretty much until recently. I’ve tried abstinence. It works for a while but the desire eventually overpowers me. I tried to find answers in scriptures and through my pastor. Not really helpful. I’ve got a counselor, but Crossdressing is a very private thing for me and I’m kinda conditioned to just not talk about it. In fact the only way I can talk about it is by writing. But just in the past few weeks, I’ve decided to act intentionally on my desire to crossdress. My hope is to find some kind of peace and wholeness of being through my journey. Whether or not it works out that way, We will find out on the road ahead.

I mentioned poems at the beginning. I want to leave you with two. The first is born from me struggling with my faith and my desires. More specifically, it deals with the conflict between the beliefs held my my those of my faith and my desires:
<span style=”background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;”>A Question to the Saints.</span>

<span> </span>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>You who shine the Light</span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> An answer I demand of you:</span></p>
<span> </span>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>If I were to show my true face </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>would I be branded as a disgrace? </span></p>
<span> </span>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Could I speak of wicked things and accepted be? </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Would you in condemnation stand?</span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Or would you set me free?</span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>You who Shine the Light,</span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> Are you a savior or a judge? </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Will you greet me with vile hate </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Or with unconditional love?  </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Will you accept me despite my scars?</span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>or do you (foolishly) Perfection seek? </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Are you like a  prophet  proud,  </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>or  more like Jesus, meek? </span></p>
<span> </span>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>You who Shine the Light</span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> Do you see me where I stand? </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>I have asked the question of you and an answer I demand.</span></p>
<span> </span>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Will you forsake me for my sin?…..</span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> or will you accept me just as I am? </span></p>
<span id=”docs-internal-guid-7a71fe5f-b03d-4643-b4ab-f0edcc8ffcf5″>
The other is one I just did yesterday. its rough, but I think there is a beauty to something that is not polished. Polished and unpolished things both have there own beauty to them. so here it is: </span>

<p style=”text-align: center;”>The Girl In the Mirror</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Do you See her?</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>There in the mirror…</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Looking back at me.</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Is she real? or just illusionary?</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I wonder who she is?</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>That girl staring back at me…</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I wish she would let me know,</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>She lives with me, you see.</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>But a dream she remains,</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Half conceived in the mind.</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Still, I wonder….</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Would her face be the same as mine?</p>

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I hope you enjoy those: I will repost those over on the poetry forum.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>in closing, I just want to say that although the title of this site is Crossdresser Heaven, for me it is a Crossdresser Haven.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you all for the kindness and the acceptance. it means a lot to me.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Lots of Love,</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Caelynn.</p>
 

[Anonymous]

Hi Caelynn and welcome to CDH.

 

Rachel

[Author]

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