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Hey Folks !!
This is something thats been troubling my marriage for a while now. I’ve been married for 10 years now ( have 2 kids -5 and 3) . I’ve been dressing for almost the past 20 years ( I am 37 now) . Totally closeted. The major rush I get out of dressing is the arousal part where i end up masturbating and pack up everything in a rush. Even before marriage I used do it either after dressing up or when i dont get a chance to dress up , I just browse CD stuff and get a high on it. After marriage i continued doing it but for a major period I had a balance doing that and having a good physical relation with my wife. but for the past few years, I’ve been just keen on pleasuring myself by either some secret dressing or browsing some Cd content. And the interest to make love to my partner has been decreasing . I absolutly love her and love spending time with her but i fear I am getting addicted to pleasuring myself which is leading to decreased intimacy with her. And which obviously is been causing some friction in our marriage.
I’ve had phases of guilt but I kinda have been coming to terms with the CD part of me that it is not going anywhere and also I dont think it is worth coming out as i know how it’ll be taken ( Wife is very very orthodox) . But I really really want to get a balance with my personal interest and having and giving a good time to my partner.
The kids still sleep in our room. So our opportunities are very rare. And when we do get one… I kinda spoil them. I really want to do something about it.
Love
Jen
Jen,
I’ve been in a similar situation, and I have some thoughts for you:
1. You can try a chastity device to control your urges. Hide the key somewhere where it wouldn’t be convenient to retrieve. Or, invest in the device that is app controlled and set a timer on it to gain some control.
2. Practice using willpower. It’s not easy to deny yourself when you are dressing or looking at CD content, especially when you’re young like you. But if you can deny yourself for a few days, then approach your wife, all the pent up urges will flow out.
3. Try ED pills like Viagra. Take one, then either dress or look at content. Then approach your wife. The pill will maintain or reestablish your arousal and allow things to progress. I think of this as “letting crossdressing pump up the tires, but letting your wife ride the bike”.
In any event, you can help things by being deliberate – have some wine with her before bed, move the kids to their room and lock the door. With kids you have to plan and execute the plan, or it won’t happen. Hope this helps.
Stephanie
Hi Stephanie … thank you for sharing your thoughts …
Yes… the plan is to be deliberate and work things out. The challenge right now is make things fun again while being intimate with wife …because I kind of feel I have more fun and have had better orgasms while getting dressed or browsing CD stuff.
Thank you once again 🙂
Jenny,
In my humble opinion, it’s ok that you have better orgasms alone. Only you know what deep down turns you on, and you will always be the best at knowing what you like. In fact, she may have better orgasms by herself too! Especially if she has hardware. It’s really hard to compete with hardware. 🙂
It sounds like your indulgence isn’t the problem, so embrace the power of “and”. Indulge yourself AND have a fun time with her. You’re young, and if you can do both, great! Since you are getting what you want with dressing, give her a fantasy. Does she like roleplay? Something else? My experience is often that if a woman gets very excited and into it, the man will follow.
Please keep us up to date if you can. Were you Mistress of your Domain? Did something work? I know this site has rules regarding explicitness, but I think human sexuality is an important part of our lives, especially for CDs. We need more mature and helpful discussions of it and I want to thank the Admins for letting discussions like this take place.
Yes Stephanie… soo glad I am able to have this conversation .No other platform gives this opportunity to have such a healthy conversation which can be considered either taboo or totally explicit. Thank you CDH !
And regarding me… dont think wife is interested in roleplay.. but u never know. from past experience..she does like to experiment slightly. Generally I like to keep the control with me… but to keep her interested.. I am trying to give her more power and control. Lets see if this leads to roleplay.
But like u said.. the most important thing for me is to embrace the power of ‘and’ .
Hi Jenny as this is a normal sexual fantasy it does deminish with age at least the sex part ha ha .. Wife and i have a wonderful arangement about that as i have been out to her and she is very supportive and understands that Stephanie need her time out in the house as here you go play this one with her there are two of you and one of her you get two thirds of the house chores and her one third has to help ha ha .. As Miss MacNeil has said try a ed pill and help things and plan for the fun with wife good luck girl hope things work out ..
Stephanie Bass
Hi stephanie … Thats a wonderful arrangement u have . 🙂
Well….My libido is not my problem… problem is that I am preferring pleasuring myself to having actual sex. So not sure if taking a pill would help in that case . The challenge right now is to have fun while getting intimate with wife. So trying to balance that with my (secret) dressing
Hi Jenny,
I hope this will not be too explicit for this site. I too have had a similar experience, it got to the point I was dressing and performing very explicitly on cam sites to pleasure others and myself. I realised this couldn’t go on and it felt like I was cheating, I realised I was addicted.
My wife and I discussed our sex lives and what she wanted. I didn’t tell her about the crossdressing though. We agreed for a limited period I would hand over my ability to release and even touch myself to her. Sexually I gave up all control to her, it was a game. She teased me a lot, denied me, often for weeks even when she climaxed herself, and employed almost daily edging under her supervision. Initial we used a cage, but it wasn’t for her. All this made me both attentive and loving, I became very eager to attend to her needs in the hope I would gain release. I never knew when this would happen. I tell you all this because our sex lives improved a lot. Instead of a month it turned into three years, my orgasms were limited to between zero and three times a month on average, hers were double that. But things were not fully resolved.
A few months ago I told her I was a crossdresser, she is not sure about it but it has freed me sexually. I wear panties and tights sometimes when we are together and nice clothes when she is out, not hiding the fact. The sex is great. She has commented on the change and I am at peace with the fact I am a man who is happy in femme mode I don’t need exhibition on the web or masturbation in a mini skirt.
So I think two things. Firstly the masturbation needs to stop fully. It’s like many addictions, until you have broken the cycle, don’t do it all even if it means weeks before release. Learn to enjoy the frustration and the pleasure of feeling sexy. Secondly if you can tell your wife you are a cross dresser, a weight will be lifted from your shoulders and the limitations and and blocks on your libido will be lifted. Whether she allows you to dress during sex or not.
I hope this helps. By the way I have never told anyone about the web cam performances.
Natasha x
Hi natasha ….
Thank you for sharing it here…
Wife and I have been having some discussion for the past few days and trying to have an arrangement. Trying to get some basic ground rules going and the takeaway from you is..i should probably give her more control and go with the flow.But I wonder if the masturbation can stop all of a sudden . I know it is like any addiction . .will have withdrawal symptomns . But am worried.. if stopping it would make me more cranky and not enjoy the initmacy and it will just be about me trying to get it done. I want my wife also to have a good time.
If you don’t think you can stop, and you want to give her more control, consider a cage, as Natasha did, and give her the key. Many couples find this helps improve intimacy, as the husband becomes more attentive to the wife’s needs and pleasing her, or so I’ve read. My wife said no when I mentioned it. It also makes it near impossible for you to masterbate, especially if you opt for the full cage and not the wire one. You might also find you enjoy the denial.
Just my 2 cents, and I am in no way an expert on this. As has already been said, you may want to seek the advice of an expert.
Stephanie
I would rather be dead than wear one of those cages. The solution isn’t neutering your sex drive. It is finding an outlet for it. A strong sex drive is a gift many of us have yet seem so afraid of. I have seen girls before who had very conservative wives. I saw them as a dominatrix.
I never met any CD who does it for sexual reasons want or need a cage and I saw a lot.
I fantasize during our time together about what my femme clothes. Quite often I fantasize about my spouse taking me out en femme. I’m on HRT so my libido has been greatly reduced, but crossdressing fantasies have always enabled me to perform.
Before HRT I was in much the same boat as you find yourself now. I don’t have a problem with masturbation unless it is interfering with other parts of your life.
I do remember when I was a teenager I would often think I wanted more out of my crossdressing than just sexual release; something more dignified. Always after release would come the guilt and shame. Some of my first public forays were an effort to prevent orgasm. That worked pretty well.
I started trying on Mom’s clothes several years before I understood what my sexual abilities were. My first orgasm came (sorry for the pun) as a complete shock to me. I was wearing pantyhose at the time. I had no idea what had happened for a while. I finally learned in school during sex education what had happened. Even then it took me a while to put two and two together.
Hello Sisters,
I have similar feelings that all oy you describe as your experiences.
I have now problems to have sex as a male with my wife but not as a female cd… Maybe the answer for a lot of us is that we want to feel as a female sexual partner.
But It is difficul to accept.
Kisses
Sonia
Hi Jenny,
My first thought is, get the kids out of you and your wife’s bedroom and everything else may find it’s own equilibrium .
Kate
Not a sex therapist here, but I believe you need the advice of one. It seems to me like you conditioned yourself to link sexual pleasure and crossdressing. Until you break that cycle on your own (not sure if that is possible) or with professional help, nothing will improve. Your wife might perceive this as rejection of her without realising that this is solely your issue and you will keep chasing rainbows.
If I remember correctly, crossdressing and the surrounding behaviours are not considered a condition, unless it causes problems to the life of the individual or those around him. Then professional help is a must. I dont know whether your wife is happy with your sex life or not, but either way she is probably too young to be delegated to an optional extra to your orgasms. I can only view this from the female perspective and if there was an issue my partner had that was impacting my sex life, he would need to sort it out. Otherwise, it would have been a complete dealbreaker for me. If you can’t separate your crossdressing from your sex life with your wife, that is a serious issue.
I cannot advise on whether you should tell her now. The best time would have been 10 years ago, before she was locked with two kids in. The second best time will be after you talk to a therapist.
Hi Cath
Thank you for offering the female perspective. You kinda got my feelings and issues on point … My biggest guilt and worry is that my wife is unknowingly the victim in this case. And I want to rectify it before it gets worse.
But like i mentioned before .. the challenge is to balance ‘my time’ and giving my partner her time. Totally cutting off from my pleasure would also not be ideal as it wont put me in the right frame of mind.
-
I think I can relate…sort of. My activities are a lot like yours. It used to be that the were less frequent because my wife and I were intimate. Well, the marriage has cooled off and my “sessions” became very frequent and really no intimacy in the bedroom. So I guess it’s a chicken-egg thing. Does this make sense?
cody❤️
Hi Jenny,
I am no expert either but I have had dealings with relationship issues through my work.
At your time of life you may be under a lot of pressure with having kids and all that goes with it. It is not uncommon for the sexual side of relationships to dwindle. It is also not uncommon for men to look at porn and use that for the sexual thrill – as this is effectively what you are doing. In my mind the dressing is an other issue if you take my basic overview.
It is good that you are talking to your wife about the intimacy angle and I would look to see why you are where you are as relationships drift after kids come along. It is reconnecting and finding the time to have time to yourself away from the pressure.
As for your own issues, that is down to you to manage. If you try to take the focus away from that and invest it in your relationship, it may reduce. The crossdressing is another issue that you have to sort out in your mind and, if necessary, seek therapy. It seems clear that you love your wife and know the consequences of coming out so keeping a control over it is a must if you wish to have a long relationship.
I do wish you well.
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I’m right there with Cody. “Our” intimacy has become few and far between and quite honestly it’s not very intimate. It’s very structured. Do this, don’t do that – can’t you read the sign? No spontaneity no romance. No kissing. Plus menopause and hot flashes. And there have been some hurtful comments from her as well.
My dressing experiences are my release. On many levels.
Yes, I am seeing a therapist.
My wife knows about dressing but doesn’t approve.
I guess for me this is just what it is.
I have talked to her about our lovemaking. She has actually complained that I don’t “show her” much attention. But when you don’t know what to do or when to do it, that sort of makes it all work and no play. I think we will get through this phase.
I think the important thing is not to shut off the conversation. I continue to show her love in many other ways.-
I completely understand, Dani. I used to live my life hoping for a compliment from my wife. Now I just hope to minimize the critique.
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I believe masturbation is important regardless of how much or little someone is having sex with their partner and there can definitely be a happy balance where the two can coexist within a relationship for both involved. I often find anal masturbation with a toy and nipple play preferable if I’m on my own, which I can often orgasm from , and saving penetrative intercourse and any other play involving my penis for intimate time with my partner.Just said in another post. My wife has not been intimate with me in over 3 years. Since i started grooming, et al.
It really made me very insecure, to the point I suspected she had a physical encounter more than once, with an individual she worked with. Never knew for certain one way or the other, but was a real distraction for me for a long time.
I don’t expect this to change at all, unless I return to being the “man she married”.
That’s one of the most honest revelations I have read in any CD forum. It seems you recognize that the opportunities for intimacy with your wife are presently constrained by kids sleeping nearby. That is totally normal. And it seems that perhaps you may be compensating for that inconvenience by finding private outlets. Thats normal too.
I would suggest that you and your wife talk about how/when you might find more privacy to just enjoy each other’s company. My guess is she is feeling the same things.
Hi Jenny,
Great post! When I started crossdressing (at a young age and through the years), and would masturbate, I would feel an intense amount of guilt, and would have to quickly “clean up” afterwards, which for a long time included purging anything I had. I think this is very common. I felt like I had done something really wrong, even dirty and like most vowed to “never do it again” Then I came to my senses! It was several decades later but I got there.
At age 60 I finally said “screw it!”, I’m doing what feels good. Since then (3 years now), by wife refuses any intimacy. I feel like it’s a form of punishment for my decision.
So do what you want, but you have to be ready to deal with the consequences. It is not easy, but I want to be who I am.
Love and hugs,
Rebecka!
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