Tagged: Cyn
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- November 3, 2015 at 9:34 pm #12139
My closest friend Cynthia
Though I don’t consciously remember the first time we met, it was somewhere just before I started school. My sisters introduced her to me. She was a cute little girl in a pretty dress. Her hair was short so she wore a towel like a Middle Eastern desert traveler-hanging down both sides of her face to her shoulders to take the place of the long tresses she longed for but did not possess. She was a fun-loving bubbly person who adored the time spent with my sisters who called her Cynthia. But it was not too last. As school approached, she had to go and would not return for about 5-6 years
The first time I remember meeting her was around age 11. I had been thinking about some girls I went to school with as I daydreamed.. Then I saw her-Cynthia was a tween girl. I saw her in the mirror, her shy smile peeking out from within. The dress and pantyhose made her feel like a princess and she was about to go out to the yard when my dad came in and made her leave. He talked to me about her and how she probably shouldn’t be here and then I saw her slipping away-tears in her eyes as she realized that she wasn’t welcome here. I felt horrible but my parents told me I should let her go as she would only cause me heartache and pain if I let her hang out with me.
Outwardly and intellectually. I agreed with my parents but on the inside, I really missed Cynthia so much it hurt my stomach. Over my teen years, I didn’t make a lot of friends. Instead I read books and articles about girls like Cynthia and her friends, what they felt like, what they wore and how they acted. It seemed as though their lives were so much better than mine was. Sometimes, I’d let Cynthia sneak in to my room and we’d dress up and laugh and dance. We only had a few items of clothes and no makeup but we made do! We couldn’t be too loud as I knew my parents would be upset if they knew she was there. These visits continued until I graduated high school and went to college. I had so wished we could go to the prom in a pretty ball gown but no one asked us to go!
As I went onto college, Cynthia visited from time to time. But like at home, roommates meant she couldn’t stay for long. I retreated into my shell-outwardly friendly but inside missing the girl who couldn’t stay long enough. Finally, college too was finished and I returned home to my parents’ house. Cynthia was still not welcome so we had to have quick visits when I was alone and my parents were out. Eventually I moved to an apartment of my own and Cynthia became a frequent guest-sleeping in the master bedroom. I worked as a restaurant manager and met a girl who was interested in me. Cynthia seemed to like her too and hoped they could be close girlfriends. The wedding was beautiful though sadly Cynthia could not attend but she briefly appeared on the honeymoon when one of the new bride’s sisters laughingly put a bra on me. My wife asked me why I let them do that and I mumbled something about how I would wear anything she gave me to wear. Cynthia was thrilled when my wife said she should get me a nightie to wear then …but that was just as tease and Cynthia was saddened.
A year or so later, Halloween approached and Cynthia had been visiting when my wife was at work. Cynthia still had short hair and had not had her ears pierced so she wore clip-on earrings and an inexpensive Halloween wig. My wife found the packaging and confronted me about who this woman Cynthia was and why she was here. I told her that she was a good friend who I felt like was almost a part of me. My wife flew into a jealous rage and was going to leave me but I promised her that I would make Cynthia leave and not return. Cynthia pleaded with me not to banish her again but what choice did I have? My marriage was depending on it, so Cynthia-who always wanted what was best for ME no matter how much it hurt HER tearfully said goodbye. I cried and cried as she left but hoped that my marriage was now secure.
And so things were better for a while. We had two wonderful kids together-a girl, then a boy one year apart. And life went on day to day.
There were times when I would think about Cynthia and realize how much I missed her-her easy laugh and pretty eyes and the smile that could draw you in. As the internet became available to the wider public, I began to look for Cynthia online. MY wife saw some of the sites I was visiting to look for her and reminded me of my promise to stay away from Cynthia. But eventually I found her and she was nearby. I figured it wouldn’t hurt anyone if I were to let her visit for just a little bit when my wife and kids weren’t around-after all who would even know? But my wife soon found evidence of her visits-a bit of nail polish spilled on a pair of her jeans, a bra and sweater stretched out of shape (as Cynthia was bigger than my wife) or a skirt that had slipped off the hanger as it was returned to the closet. My wife and I had many arguments over the years about Cynthias’ visits and I truly wanted to stop seeing her. But I couldn’t help it-she was almost a part of me now and I could no longer tell her to go away and not return. I tried to help Cynthia and my wife be friends and hang out together and go out for dinner or drinks but my wife would have nothing to do with her. She wanted me all to herself and when I could no longer promise that to her-. she decided she had to leave the marriage. It was an acrimonious divorce for a while ‘til Cynthia told me to just give in and do what was best for the kids so that is what I did. My ex and I are amicable now and the kids are grown.
I have told the kids about Cynthia but they have only seen a fleeting glimpse of her here and there. They know she is a part of my life but not how big a part she has become. NO one knows how much a part of me Cynthia has become except my counselor. My parents have passed on never having met her. Neither have any of the rest of my remaining family nor my few friends that I have.
In the last few years, Cynthia has been calling me to join her and become as one. “We could have such a good life” she tells me.
“You should let me help you become the person I remember from our childhood-that happy girl who loved to look pretty and was so much happier than the person I had become-hesitant to let anyone see that inside the hard outer shell that allowed no one to get close to me was a soft vulnerable little girl who just wanted someone to love her and care for her.” So slowly I let Cynthia become a larger part of my life. She bought a ton of wigs to cover our short hair and built up a huge wardrobe of pretty clothes and shoes, and even practiced with makeup. AS I looked into the mirror, I recognized the Cynthia of years ago- her inner beauty shining forth- a radiant smile on her face as she made her triumphal return. Unwilling to be locked at home like Cinderella, Cynthia pushed to get us out of the house. Though she knew it was not yet time to raise the curtain and let the entire world see her , she was adamant about letting a little preview peek through. So now I am wearing womens’ panties under my work khaki slacks and on chilly days adding tights or jeggings. Recently she got me some lacy camis that I wear under my polos and finally she got me to shave the entire body so it is silky smooth all over. I often wear lipstick and heels on the drive to and from work and occasionally dangly clip-on earrings as well. When I get home she helps me dress completely and is teaching me how to do my makeup. She found this awesome website called CrossDresser Heaven where we can talk to other girls around the country. We get encouragement and love and support-so unlike how the world at large treats us!
Now Cynthia wants to take the lead. She reminds me that I have been in the foreground for fifty years and turned her out to the street multiple times. She remained faithful to me even as I rejected her and now she deserves the chance to be out in the world and see all it has to offer and to be seen as the beautiful woman she has always been on the inside. But I am hesitant-I know that if I open that door to the world at large, she may enjoy the freedom and never return to the closeted room she has been in for so long. So NOW I have to decide if I can be as strong as she was and ignore any calls from society that tell me that I am mentally ill-and that she is just a figment of my imagination and that I have to stay the unhappy male shell that has been alone for so long-not sharing my feelings with anyone. I am paralyzed with fear-afraid to go forward but unwilling to go back. SO her I stand straddling the fence. Will Cynthia be happy with being able to go out in the world and interact with it but allow me to be male at work and female at home? OR does she need to be the total package 24/7 and live our remaining years as female). One thing I do know she will not allow herself to be rejected and turned away again ! I guess only time will tell what that answer is– but both the male shell and Cynthia are so happy we found this community of accepting and loving friends -many of whom are making the same journey of discovery.
Thanks for listening to my story girls! Stay tuned to see how it turns out over the coming months and years!
Cynthia
- November 3, 2015 at 11:58 pm #12144
Thank you for sharing your story Cynthia. I am sure that most of the girls here share at least some part of the same journey. It is possible for both of you to co-exist in this world and I am hoping you can find the right balance for you. There is no better time than now, for Cynthia to sample what the world has to offer and remember that the longest journey starts with a single step. Good luck in wherever you go.
Hugs
Sheryl
- November 4, 2015 at 1:05 am #12146Anonymous
What a great story Cynthia. I found though that when I got to the end it was like getting to the end of some books I’ve read only to discover the book was part 1 of a series.
I look forward to the follow up article, a further success story, when that girl named Cynthia starts to get out and about as herself. I’m sure we’ll all enjoy finding out how that adventure goes.
Jane
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