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For some reason, I woke early this morning reliving the last four days and how much I enjoyed feeling and looking like the woman I have wanted to be for the longest time. It has been wonderful. For some reason though, I started reflecting on my life and how far I have come. From my adolescent years to today, my journey as Danielle has been full of excitement, passion, self actualization, and happiness, as well as anxiety, fear, physical and emotional pain, self-doubt, and disappointment. As I write this, I see myself in the mirror, hair tousled, in a faded sweatshirt and pair of yoga shorts, with no make up on. I look like what I feel I have become, a middle aged woman trying to look younger than she is. I still have a feminine looking face but I see the lines. I see my trouble spots where there seems to be too much of me. I have spent years feminizing my body, voice, and mannerisms, building my wardrobe, and perfecting my beauty routines. It seems to have finally paid off. The macho man I tried to be seems to have been replaced by an emotional, softer, gentler caring woman. Even my man cave tastes in my house have been replaced with feminine decor. I have a man who adores me and whom I adore in return. I absolutely enjoy being his girl both in and outside the bedroom. I thoroughly enjoy the female or more submissive role in our relationship and find myself accepting his lead willingly.
So why am I awake, reliving some of the not so great things, like the humiliating moments when my mother or wife discovered my secret? Or when I was accused of being a prostitute when the police caught me and a friend being intimate in his car, or when I was abused or humiliated by men I thought wanted me or the humiliation I suffered at the hands of those who just couldn’t let me be me and who hated me because I was different? There has been both good and bad, and the cost of living as Danielle has been high.
Now I am thinking how long this new phase will last, as I age and my ability to maintain some form of beauty becomes more difficult. Will my boyfriend still want me as I get older? I am already looking at wardrobe items more fitting for an older woman. I must admit, I am having a hard time considering the day I won’t wear those Daisy Dukes or that mini skirt. Should I pursue HRT, breast augmentation, or SRS? I have been able to avoid those things so far but, what if?
Please forgive the rant but if anyone has some insight to ease my overthinking brain, it would be appreciated.
Thanks
Dani
Hi, Dani,,
From the first parts of your post, you are in a beautiful place, enjoy every moment,
As for the rest, your fears for the future, we all do age, unfortunately,, but if, like myself, we love our partner, I still see the 16 year old hellcat I first dated almost 50 years ago, when I look at my wife.
I too, do not have the same body I had when I was young, but I still have the same mind, just matured a little, lol.
So, my advice, is, simply live for this moment, life is going to happen, the good and the bad, but if we agonize over the what if’s, we can never know happiness.
Oh, and the past, is in the past, leave it there, it does you no good now.
Hugs, RegiWith age comes a history and memories. We often ponder our past, the highs, the lows and wonder ‘what if?’ If you had changed something what difference would it have made? The ramifications are innumerable. The ups and downs, dreams yearned, dreams shattered are part of that life that leads to where we are today. Sometimes that dream takes a long time to become a reality.
With age comes wear and tear. We would love a younger body, a fresh mind and the agility of youth. Alas that is never a given and the ravages of time takes its toll. We have to take a little more care of ourselves and, although the daisy dukes may be a bit much, there is an array of suitable clothing that will make you look special and feel like the woman you are. A little help may be required to smooth out and enhance and make the bodywork shine. Makeup helps highlight your radiance. The choice to have a surgery or take pills and potions is something women ‘of a certain age’ often dwells upon. Will it make you feel better in yourself? Who is it for, you, or those that you feel wants to see a perfect woman?
As you sit there looking into that mirror, no make up and in the raw, who do you see? Is it the person you have lived to be and the person others see you as? Do you love yourself and they you for who you are?
Life is rarely perfect so when you had your reflection it was on the negatives not the positives of how, even haphazardly,you arrived at where you are today. Then you start to look into the future in the negative. Aging is something we all fear but there are options to seek the fountain of youth. From your story so far you are in a good place. You have a man who loves you and has introduced you to a loving family who seem to have accepted you into the fold. It’s you as you are, all the life, the experience and the person as it is, no hormones and no surgery.
Who knows what the future will bring and that will happen but in the mean time sit back and enjoy the ride, be content with your happy lot.
Worry will bring more worry lines and, it follows, more lines so take it one step at a time and enjoy.
I understand where you are coming from, though how I dealt with my early years of someone broken was to rage against the world and everything else and everyone, but in my case I had blocked a lot of the reason why until I hit 50…needless to say things went pear shaped big time. I know this isn t about me, its about you and Im getting there if thats ok. I don t trust anything but the natural world as she was my sanctuary and so to her is where I ran to gather my thoughts and you know what, the result was this. All that happened both destroyed and shaped me into who I am now. It would be easy to wish those years of destruction back so as to alter them but if that was possible I wouldn t be the ME I am right here and now. My heart is now soft and squishy, I cry at movies and yes the shrinks would have all sorts of theories but I love that empathy, that huge range of feelings of love and sympathy, of knowing the greater picture is so much greater and that my decade or so left here are to be lived in the manner that is me. And all I suffered? well, it taught me to be more than strong, it taught me ego was a waste of energy and time and that if it doesn t make me ill or its not going to kill me then all I should think about is how I feel about it….we, as individuals should live for who we are not what society expects or instructs…to be different is so beautiful and though we age with time so does everyone, and we can age with the dignity that we live as our true selves and why should the sexyness disappear, it may have to be adjusted but some of the most beautiful people alive are those that are truly themselves and they give life all they can. Please don t create your own “what ifs” live life as you want and hell I ve seen some people in the over 50s wearing those daisy dukes and minis and wearing them well….how we are perceived often depends on our own demeanor and outlook upon life…stand proud and if you want your daisy then wear them…I don t ever remember an age limit on clothes, just size. Sorry about the length of this essay but I just wanted to say. Take care xx
Hi Danielle!
That was beautifully bitter-sweet.
I’ll be 60 soon. And I’m a goin’ out kicking and screaming! I share your feminine feelings. I’m here now all drabby and miserable. LOL!! Got a limited number of family members on their way for a visit. And they’re staying for a few days. Sigh….
And when they go home I’m busting loose! It’s baby-dolls, high heels, stockings, bright red lipstick, tons of mascara, and an attitude to match!
Seriously, I’ve made great steps in managing my diet and getting in some decent workouts. Even at my age high intensity interval training (HIIT) is, according to my doctor, our “fountain of youth”. Sure, it’s a declining scale, but it’ll keep the skin taut too and perhaps well into my 70s!
Stay positive and Happy New Year!
Love, Barb
I understand what your saying, I got rid of all my younger looking dresses for more age appropriate ones, and you know what I like them better. Knee lenght or midis are very comfortable especially in the cooler months. As a crossdresser it is hard to get old, too many lines and wrinkles ruin the look.
Dear Danielle ,
I think You should only consider HRT , breast augmentation or SRS if
YOU would want those things for yourself.
And certainly not because you think that without them , you won’t be attractive anymore !We all get older , that’s life , your inner beauty will remain and even grow stronger , so
I think your boyfriend loves you for that , and remember , he will get older just as well.So ENJOY Danielle , the past is in the past , and you are in a great place
right now !Love Sylvia.
What an inspiring story, Dani! Despite all the hurdles you had to overcome, in the end, you’ve reached a situation where you can be and show up your true self, no matter what happened or can happen to you. I can relate to you in a lot of features, such as cave man-like previous tastes
I’m a 31 years old girl living in the closet and in a country known for its gruesome treatment for girls like us. Nevertheless, stories like yours give me a boost to keep building up my true identity, brick by brick. One day I’ll be able to come out and show up the girl I am.
Despite the fact that some people say that age is only a number that is given to us, we should acknowledge that our skins suffer with time and the beauty standards of our 20’s and 30’s might not be able to be kept. My advice is to get inspirations from beautiful people from your age and try to blend looks. Things that make you look younger but, at the same time, comfortable with your current state of mind. And don’t forget the skincare! That’s one of the best advices anyone can give to keep the skin as beautiful as possible, despite the age.
About HRT and SRS, my advice is the same I hear from many girls who underwent through them: with or without them, you will continue being a girl, not less, not more. So you should consider doing any of them only if you really cannot cope with dysphoria induced by certain parts of your body and being truly aware of the side effects that both of them are likely to bring along.
xoxo
Daisy
Hi Daniela!!!
I agree with Stephanie and Angela, the other day I got emocionated with your introduction into your boyfriend family.
But…. the mind never rests and is looking for new problems instead of release us and let us to enjoy the happiness. And more for the persons that are fighters like you… Another war???
So…. When we arrive the river we’ll think how to cross it.
Kisses,
Sonia
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