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For some reason, I woke early this morning reliving the last four days and how much I enjoyed feeling and looking like the woman I have wanted to be for the longest time. It has been wonderful. For some reason though, I started reflecting on my life and how far I have come. From my adolescent years to today, my journey as Danielle has been full of excitement, passion, self actualization, and happiness, as well as anxiety, fear, physical and emotional pain, self-doubt, and disappointment. As I write this, I see myself in the mirror, hair tousled, in a faded sweatshirt and pair of yoga shorts, with no make up on. I look like what I feel I have become, a middle aged woman trying to look younger than she is. I still have a feminine looking face but I see the lines. I see my trouble spots where there seems to be too much of me. I have spent years feminizing my body, voice, and mannerisms, building my wardrobe, and perfecting my beauty routines. It seems to have finally paid off. The macho man I tried to be seems to have been replaced by an emotional, softer, gentler caring woman. Even my man cave tastes in my house have been replaced with feminine decor. I have a man who adores me and whom I adore in return. I absolutely enjoy being his girl both in and outside the bedroom. I thoroughly enjoy the female or more submissive role in our relationship and find myself accepting his lead willingly.
So why am I awake, reliving some of the not so great things, like the humiliating moments when my mother or wife discovered my secret? Or when I was accused of being a prostitute when the police caught me and a friend being intimate in his car, or when I was abused or humiliated by men I thought wanted me or the humiliation I suffered at the hands of those who just couldn’t let me be me and who hated me because I was different? There has been both good and bad, and the cost of living as Danielle has been high.
Now I am thinking how long this new phase will last, as I age and my ability to maintain some form of beauty becomes more difficult. Will my boyfriend still want me as I get older? I am already looking at wardrobe items more fitting for an older woman. I must admit, I am having a hard time considering the day I won’t wear those Daisy Dukes or that mini skirt. Should I pursue HRT, breast augmentation, or SRS? I have been able to avoid those things so far but, what if?
Please forgive the rant but if anyone has some insight to ease my overthinking brain, it would be appreciated.
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