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I struggle heavily with crossdressing. I am really tall and not passable.
Right now I am in a vanilla relationship with a woman and I am struggling. I have not told her about the crossdressing thing. Like most woman, she wants me for being the big tall man that I am, but that just makes Erika want to come out more. My therapist says that my crossdressing is an addiction, and I agree with her to a certain extint, but it dosent make my cravings go away.Looking at what you have said you are strongly engrossed in sexual fantasy and thrill of womens clothes. You are addicted, as your therapist stated, so vanilla sex as you put it , does not tick any of the boxes for you therefore will not fulfill satisfaction for you and, quite probably your partner. I would also opine that there are more reasons for a relationship than sex in that sex is a part of that but a meaningful relationship to enjoy the whole person. Your profile states that you have had relationships and those that mattered didn’t accept your dressing and those that didn’t ,did accept your dressing. Only you know the reasons and food for thought for you as to why and the kind of girl you are looking for.
It would seem to me that you would need to discuss this further with your therapist as your synopsis provides a lot of questions and angst in you which can’t be discussed or answered here. It may take time as you have a lot going on in your mind.
I wish you well in finding your equilibrium of mind and soul.
Thank you for your respose. I know that I cant be the only one that struggles with this issue. Finding ballance is difficult for many of us. I just have had such negative experiences with telling my partners about this issue. It makes you feel like such a weirdo. Like you dont fit in as man or a woman.
I agree that reactions do vary and honesty at the start of a relationship, after that period of getting to know the way the person thinks, is possibly the best policy. You are a pressure pot and the valve is firmly shut.
The key for you is to try and understand yourself and be confident in how you see yourself. Simple question such as ‘Can you give this up’ is a starter for ten. To understand yourself better gives you confidence as to where you want to be. Dealing with this internal turmoil is the hardest part but if you understand yourself better and you work with conflicts to gain control then there is a happier person. Working with partners as to amicable solutions to a happier relationship.
Although I’ve never been to a therapist who specializes in gender issues, it would seem that would be the place to go, as Celeste suggests. Personally, and in no way am I a therapist, I would not consider crossdressing an addiction. That implies it is something that you must give up for your own health and well being, like smoking or alcohol. It seems that just the reverse is true for you – and for many if not most of us – crossdressing is a part of your being. It would seem this is not a new issue for you either, so it also appears that you have yet to get the proper help you need. I’d suggest getting an appropriate therapist could help you achieve the balance and self acceptance/actualization you have been missing.
Thank you Jerri, I have thought about changing therapists and looking for one that deals with these issues. I have been with this one for many many years and this subject seems to be a sticking point. She wants to deal with it like an drug addiction and I dont know if that is the best way.
Please find a new therapist with some experience in dealing with this. You don’t have to transition if you don’t want to but the desire and need to dress does not go away. I wish you the best and hope there can be understanding as many of us do not know why we are the way we are. Self acceptance and at the least some tolerance for an outlet from SO is important to your wellbeing.
Its proven that crossdressing doesn’t just go away. I think you need a new therapist who understands gender issues. You may have been with this therapist for years but its obvious she has no clue about crossdressing. Drop her fast, she’s only taking your money, not doing you any good, and may even be harmful for your mental health.
When you find a good therapist who understands these issues, then try to get the wife to go with you because both of you need to be on the same page. Continuing to hide your true feeling will only lead to conflict and bad outcomes.
The Word “Addiction” makes it sound like something you Have to give up for your health-Like hard Drugs or tobacco- Bull crap–
Why crossdress ? Why am I attracted to men when I’m “Dressed? for me, I think it’s a combination of factors– women have Soooo much choice in clothing compared to men–Can wear or not wear nail polish (of any color) Makeup choices are unlimited–& then there is the Fact that Men have to do the chasing & try to make the girl feel special–it’s a different world- I think I’ve always been envious of women/girls because of these reasons-
[quote quote=681512]then there is the Fact that Men have to do the chasing &; try to make the girl feel special–it’s a different world- I think I’ve always been envious of women/girls because of these reasons-[/quote]
Thank you for mentioning this Jane – I was starting to think I was alone in feeling like this!
Things that make you feel good are often ‘addictive’. That does not mean that they are detrimental. They can be beneficial especially if used in moderation. Of course, moderation is sometimes a tad subjective.
I do not believe that the drive to be feminine is distinctly formulated by increasing desires resulting from frequent reinforcement and biochemical drugs. I believe that the initial impulse to feminize is created by a prenatally developed predisposition. It is refined and actualized by experience. Assigning the desire to feminize solely to some addictive compulsion alone is short-sighted.
Araminta.
That’s a tough one. Is it safe to assume that your therapist is helping you learn how to address addictive/compulsive behaviors?
Often addictive behavior is a way of distracting oneself from unpleasant feelings. One thing that is helpful is to look for the underlying issues, the emotional discomfort, that you may be trying to avoid by engaging in addictive behavior. Deal with whatever is causing the underlying discomfort and perhaps the compulsive behavior will be easier to control.
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