- This topic has 27 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks ago by
.
- Topic
Hi All,
My wife’s anxiety about me venturing out into the world is well understood by both of us. Frankly, my anxiety about going out in public is just as high as hers, however, I am working at finding reasonable coping strategies to being more comfortable when in public.
Many of you may share similar experiences with your SO’s voicing concern about going in public. What I’m curious to know however, is there a difference between your anxiety and the anxiety of your SO?
Last week my wife started up a conversation about what public safety looks like when going out and socializing with other CD’s. The crux of her concern is that when I go out in public I am doing so as a woman and should make sure I’m protecting myself as such. Something I had not considered…
I am a larger person 6’4″ and 215lbs, when presenting male I can be rather imposing. Driving, parking/ and walking around at night is also not a big deal. Provided my size I’m pretty confident there is a low likelihood for assault, though there are nutjobs everywhere. When at a bar or club I purchase my own drinks, and if some belligerent person attempts to rile me up I typically walk away.
Now as Natalie, the same scenarios are slightly different. My wife’s advice can be summarized in this short list.
1. Do not go out at night alone, always go with a group
2. Avoid dimply lit streets/alleys
3. Never accept drinks from strangers, unless it comes from a waitress or you see it being poured.
4. Never leave a group without telling someone, and for good reason.
5. Maintain check-in’s with someone (so or other friend) through the night to let them know you’re okay.
6. When getting into your car, have the keys ready as you approach, and lock the doors immediately once inside.The advice from my wife was well received. Since these types of safety topics don’t typically run through my head, I thanked her for providing an honest response toward her fears. It also made me realize that I have a lot to learn about being a woman.
-Full disclosure, to date I have not met any other CD’s/trans women for a social gathering but have made plans to do so later in the fall. The prospect of meeting others is very exciting, but also requires a lot of careful planning.
Have you had similar conversations with our SO?
When you venture out of the house are there other safety strategies you employ?
If you don’t have a SO, or they are not supportive of your dressing, what are your rules for safety?
Do you have any stories to share which revolve around safety when out at night?Please share!
-Natalie
Total of 31 users thanked author for this post. Here are last 20 listed.
- Replies
Yes to everything you said. I’ll add that I have only been out a few times and yet my mind shifts to caution when out en femme. In some small way I feel like I could relate to what GGs face their entire lives. It has been eye opening to say the least. A few other things I have done – before I go to a place en femme I’ll check it out in drab in advance. I also am mindful of escape routes (ie doors, sidewalks, how far away is parking) and I carry my keys in my hand all the time so I don’t have to search for them in a rush. My empathy for what GGs go through has only grown from this path I’ve been on.
5 users thanked author for this post.
Registered On: March 23, 2016Topics: 101Replies: 417Has thanked: 865 timesBeen thanked: 2194 timesI’m a big guy, sort of. In heels, I’m a teetering tower that can’t run and would fall off balance trying to swing my purse at someone. That makes me feel vulnerable. Add in a group of guys who might be “haters”, or even one creepy guy, and I feel that fear that many women encounter. All because of how I want to dress… it’s sad. Stay safe out there ladies… while we are getting more acceptance in many places, tolerance and patience is disappearing too from some small groups of individuals.
3 users thanked author for this post.
Hi Lea,
“Teetering tower” sums up exactly how I feel in heels. That’s such a great analogy!
1 user thanked author for this post.
All very good cautions. Something for all of us to remember when we are out. Thanks!
2 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: August 1, 2020Topics: 11Replies: 1775Has thanked: 6181 timesBeen thanked: 8113 times
When I was starting to get out more I was very fearful of being called out or worse. However this proved very rare and once I had gained confidence going out was not an issue. Veronica makes a good point which is we share the same issues as women as fundamentally it is although being a CD may increase the risks. We all have a self awareness about our safety but even in comfortable areas we can never countenance the ‘nut job’. I think the principles of women safety applies very much to us for similar reasons.
5 users thanked author for this post.
Thanks, Angela!
Since I am starting to venture out more I do need to build up my confidence and gain a better understanding of what situational awareness looks and feels like en femme.
A couple weeks ago when I went out during the day I was nervous, but it was fine. I’m sure the same will apply to going out at night with other CD’s, but until that day comes I’m sure to continue to mentally facing a juggernaut of scenarios.
-Natalie
- Registered On: January 7, 2017Topics: 120Replies: 1312Has thanked: 921 timesBeen thanked: 3923 times
My SO has never brought this up, she may feel it however and I think about this all the time.
I wear a mans (stylish) shirt if not a blouse w/floral patterns, and I always have to have a top with a collar (just a thing for me), wear womens capris and femme shoes, and carry a bag of some sort.
Other than that I “present” as male. I always try to stay very aware of my surroundings, regardless of where we are. I will get looks (for men and women) and honestly, I try to always have a plan. I literally ready and willing and know, where I would strike a person should there be a physical altercation of some kind. I’ve always worked to stay away from that sort of thing.
I live in a “very liberal” part of the US, but even here there are people who do not agree with what we (I) do.
It’s unfortunate, but it is something I have to be ready for. Be it going to the grocery store, or just out and about.
Love and Hugs. Stay Safe!
Becka!8 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: September 13, 2019Topics: 12Replies: 1025Has thanked: 1 timeBeen thanked: 4287 times
While I do not disagree with anything on the above lists, it all comes down to situational awareness. I do go out alone at night, but I think about where I Park and where I walk. Yes, the world can be a scary place, but it is also a wonderful place full of experiences and good people that I want to enjoy and not live in fear.
Having a wife and two adult daughters I am aware of the risks they, and anybody, face. I taught them to be aware, use common sense and error on the safe side if any doubt.
Go out and enjoy life,. It is a big wonderful world that is mostly safe and fun, but think about where, when and who you go places, but don’t let fear and anxiety make life miserable.
9 users thanked author for this post.
JJ,
You’re absolutely correct. In that we shouldn’t build up our anxiety so much that we were fearful to experience life.
My kids are still young, and the only time they’re out at night is with my wife and I. Even that is a rare occasion since they go to bed rather early. Due to this we’ve not had to have the safety discussion with them yet, hence my ignorance.
As I go out and experience more adventures as Natalie, I expect I’ll be able to share my experiences with my family and provide helpful tips and advice for my children as they get older.
-Natalie
3 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: November 18, 2019Topics: 1Replies: 462Has thanked: 543 timesBeen thanked: 1832 times
I have been going out in daylight for more than a decade. In that time I have been to the grocery, dry cleaners, bank, shopping malls and often just around the neighborhood. All with no adverse events.
I don’t go out as often at night but my rules are to select TG friendly venues, like restaurants and night clubs, to park near the entry as possible and to limit consumption of alcohol.
5 users thanked author for this post.
Kim,
Parking close to the venue is also a good tip! And of course limiting the volume of alcohol or other mind altering substances.
I don’t drink as much as I used to, which is good for several reasons. Mostly better sleep, and overall health.
-Natalie
3 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: March 16, 2022Topics: 1Replies: 551Has thanked: 2851 timesBeen thanked: 2198 times
Hey Natalie, Your wife has lots of good points here. I go out alone all the time and am super cautious especially in parking lots and gas stations. I can be a lightning rod for crazies and unwanted attention. Perhaps that’s because I’m small. I never place a drink down and return to it later. I won’t walk near vans or trucks and try to stay with a group if possible. If I can avoid a problem situation, I will. I wear a long coat or duster if I’m wearing a wiggle dress or some revealing top and only take it off when I’m inside the event. I always text my wife when I make it safely to my event and always when I’m in my car or hotel room getting done with the event. Having mace or a safety alarm can be helpful especially if you’ve practiced knowing how to use them. I usually have good running shoes or boots on and will bring my heels along in my bag. Then I just put the heels on at the event and reverse the process when going to the car. I feel much more in control that way. Thanks for this useful question. Marg
8 users thanked author for this post.
Hi Marge. Thanks for chiming in!
Interesting that you attract crazies, for being on the smaller size? Maybe the extremes (too small, too large) garner more attention than average sized folks?
Staying away from vans and trucks is a solid addition!
My wife did mention keeping tabs on beverages. How could I forget to mention that specifically? This is definitely and important one!
I do like your suggestion to have walking/running shoes in your purse to switch in and out of when entering/leaving the venue.
My question to this is, what do you do with your bag when dancing? My size 13 shoes would take up a lot of space in a handbag…
-Natalie
3 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: March 16, 2022Topics: 1Replies: 551Has thanked: 2851 timesBeen thanked: 2198 times
Ooooh Natalie, now right down to the earthy logistics of a night out and yes, it seems that I must exude a crazy attractant so I’m always on guard. Ok, it takes some planning and I have to confess that I learned it all from other women of the nightlife. Yes, it takes a bigger bag if you carry shoes. My standard is a Coach 9525 Stewardess bag and I have a brown one and a black one. Both are nicely used from Posh and will carry a pair of heels, flats or sneakers and some other things very nicely. If the event I’m going to seems trustworthy and we have a table guard then I’ll just leave the bag at the table and pick it up at the end of the night. If I’m at the bar then my bag is in my lap. If the event area seems too fluid or too sketchy to me then the good bags stay at home and I travel with a cheap roomy dancer’s bag wearing my oldest and rattiest sneakers that I can leave at a coat rack or toss in a corner. You can pick up one cheaply or just sew a bag with a drawstring out of some classy old jean scraps. I’ve never lost a bag but if the canvas bag disappeared it would save me a trip to the recycling bin. Now, I know you’re saying what about your cards, $ and keys. They ALWAYS STAY WITH ME in either a very little evening purse on a chain or wristlet or in my jeans pocket if I’m casual or as a lump inside my wiggle dress or on a leg garter with a pouch. Yes, if you plan it right you can dance hands free (and I do dance all night) and feel secure that at the end of the night nobody has stolen your keys and now is offering you a ride to help you out? I usually only carry a credit card, maybe a room card, a positive ID, phone and a cash money clip (usually it’s just an alligator tie clip holding most of the above or I just use a phone holster to stuff it all into.). I leave my AAA Motor Club card in my car glovebox. If I really want to travel hands free then I tuck it all into my panty or pantyhose just to the right of my belly button (be careful during bathroom visits) or just use my phone holster for everything. I do keep a $10 and $5 bill in my shoe or my bra for instant use and stop in the bathroom if I need to refill from my stash. So that’s the mechanics of my party night out. BTY, I usually travel to and from the events alone. Also if you need smaller shoes for your bag then just search for foldable flats with a good walking sole that can be rolled up and will still let you walk through a parking lot filled with stones and glass. I hope this helps. Safe Journey, Marg
5 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: January 2, 2023Topics: 0Replies: 375Has thanked: 588 timesBeen thanked: 1316 times
As a senior and not a very desirable looking one I don’t worry about sexual attacks, but as a senior you are more marked for robbery. I don’t carry, but almost always go out in group, certainly at night. Also I have very little of value on me.
4 users thanked author for this post.
Hi Lorraine,
First, your profile photo is gorgeous!
Regardless of the type of assault is the stress and mental anguish experienced afterward would probably be worse than the incident.
My style is not overtly sexy, so I would hope that my presentation wouldn’t be a trigger for crazies, but I guess we never know what may set someone off.
Safety in numbers, the buddy system, leave no one behind, are all great mottos when out with friends.
-Natalie
2 users thanked author for this post.
I totally agree with your wife’s advice Natalie.
My first time dressed out I literally walked around the block after a dinner on an Autumn night with two other friends and got catcalled on by two gay men. I was wearing a bodycon dress with sheer sleeves and 4″ stilettos. I don’t think the outfit was completely inappropriate but I would never wear this sort ensemble in public again with few exceptions as outlined below.
The next time out in public, I wore a much more conservative dress with jacket and boots and went out to a restaurant and nobody even noticed nor stared.
I mostly dress in private and I like glam, heels, bolder makeup, etc. but would not dress like this going out unless it was straight to a dinner, theater, etc. in a car.
My wife and I have had these discussions and dressing; going out has made me realize and appreciate what many women have to endure and put up with on a daily basis. In short, and it seems you already realize this, listening to your wife is generally a good rule to follow 😉
12 users thanked author for this post.
Hi Janie,
Yes, listening to ones wife is generally a good thing! Though there are some exceptions.
I don’t think I’d be able to pull off a bodycon dress, good on you! My style is less sexy than I’d be willing to try, but then again my body type makes overtly sexy things challenging. At least that’s what I tell myself.
I’m slowly building my wardrobe, and have started experimenting with things which are out of my comfort zone, some of which will never leave the house, but the exploration part of dressing is fun!
-Natalie
3 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: November 23, 2019Topics: 1Replies: 790Has thanked: 659 timesBeen thanked: 3489 times
Natalie,
Your wife raises some good points. To them I would add that since we make ourselves well aware of what areas of our towns, counties or metro areas are to be avoided, we should do the same when visiting unfamiliar areas. Don’t be hesitant to ask CD sisters in such an area what locations should be avoided.
I do think however that thinking of every person as a potential confrontation is going too far. If I thought like that I would never leave the house. Just be casually observant of who and what is around you and you will be fine.
7 users thanked author for this post.
Hi Fiona,
You’re right, not everyone is actually a threat, but that doesn’t stop the anxious of us from feeling that way. Hence my attempt to build coping strategies when going out in public. Expressing my femininity is a necessary for my mental health. I do not want to sequester myself at home, that would be a means to survival, but I want to LIVE! (While being safe and tanking appropriate cautionary measures).
Reaching out to CD’s who are familiar with an area you’re traveling to is a great suggestion! I’ve seen people post topics that they’re traveling and would like to meet up, or suggest CD friendly places. There is no doubt a wealth of resources out there to provide safe social experiences.
-Natalie
2 users thanked author for this post.
Thanks for your insight, Sarah.
In girl mode, I see every person as a potential confrontation.
I feel this rings true for me as well, hence my anxiety when wanting to go out. When I am stared at in guy mode, I do stew on why they would be staring but once they pass “out of sight out of mind”. When in girl mode, extra attention and staring could send my mind reeling, especially if they have a nefarious look on their face.
Keeping together with others and abiding by the guidelines shared by my wife would seem te best way to calm the nerves and remain safe in most situations. Barring those select few looking to stir up trouble.
-Natalie.
4 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: February 5, 2023Topics: 6Replies: 181Has thanked: 336 timesBeen thanked: 803 times
Holy crap! I had no idea women go through that. I can’t believe they ever leave the house. And why don’t we see more women carrying guns? Sheesh!
5 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: January 2, 2023Topics: 0Replies: 375Has thanked: 588 timesBeen thanked: 1316 times
They are packing, you just don’t see them. My gun range has more women taking instruction AND practicing than men most of the time.
3 users thanked author for this post.
GG’s are sexually assaulted ALL the time, because “men” can’t help themselves. Nothing but a bunch of shellfish man-children, predators, etc.
The conversation with my wife brought this realization to the forefront of my mind and I thought I would share in the event it would provide help for others who may put themselves into compromising situations without realizing it.
I know a handful of women who were sexually assaulted and have social anxiety about going in public ever since.
Imagine going out to a bar or club en femme for the first time, making an ignorant mistake then getting assaulted? How may that impact your willingness to go out in the future? How would that potentially impact the relationship with your SO?
– Natalie
3 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: April 25, 2019Topics: 25Replies: 268Has thanked: 648 timesBeen thanked: 1643 times
One of the things crossdressing does is give men insights into the kinds of things women deal with all the time. In guy mode, I never think about the people I cross paths with. In girl mode, I see every person as a potential confrontation. I remember sharing a funny experience with a female coworker, and she said, “being a woman means dealing with harassment, that’s normal.” I don’t pass well so I always assume I’m getting attention as a crossdresser, but it still opens a window on what women experience all the time.
11 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: August 28, 2023Topics: 6Replies: 135Has thanked: 225 timesBeen thanked: 516 times
Hi all. I’m wondering if this post raises the issues about whether CD’s face the same risks as women or whether they face different risks as CD’s. I’ve only ever faced one unpleasant incident when out dressed and that was when I lost my hotel swipe card one evening which I needed both to get into the hotel and my room. As I was searching in my bag a man helped me get into the hotel and after getting a new swipe card from reception I found the man waiting for me at the lifts. He followed me into the lift and suggested I go back to his room for a drink which I politely declined. There was then a bit of angry muttering on his part before I got out at my floor and fortunately he didn’t follow me. But after this incident I always assumed the man had propositioned me because I was a CD, that he wanted to be with a CD. My late wife was always worried that when I was out at night dressed I might be at risk because I was a CD and that in some way this risk was different from the risk women faced. I guess she assumed that CD’s were peculiarly at risk from prejudiced, aggressive males. (She was also concerned that someone we knew might recognise me but that’s a different story). In effect, this would be the same kind of risk that gay men might face.
I don’t think, the safety advice changes because the motive for an attack might be different but in a way I think the issue is that all minority groups (and unfortunately women as a gender fall into this category) face risks that most men don’t. They are targeted because they are a minority by those prejudiced against that minority.
Veronica xxx
6 users thanked author for this post.
Hi Veronica,
Thanks for sharing your experience. That sounds awfully frightening, glad to hear you came away from it unscathed.
I think you’re correct that CD’s/Trans women may experience additional threats above and beyond that of women.
California Public Radio reported a story this week that Trans women in California have experienced a 10% increase in assaults over the past two years, whereas assault to other victim types had dropped on the whole. The majority of assault to Trans women were sexual assault, but did include violent attacks.
There have been other posts in the forum which acknowledge that increased visibility through social awareness will often garner all forms of attention, bot good and bad.
I am of course lumping Crossdressers into the Trans women category, but respect others opinions if you do not fit into that box.
-Natalie
2 users thanked author for this post.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
Recent Comments