- December 28, 2020 at 12:53 pm #424277AnonymousInactiveRegistered On:Topics: 2Replies: 2Has thanked: 15 timesBeen thanked: 30 times
So i have decided that i need to come out to my family but am petrified of their response.
My wife is very traditionalist and believes a man is a man and woman a woman, telling her will be the biggest challenge of my journey so far.
i have this feeling that i will end up homeless, jobless and no family which although very hard, it is something i must do as Georgie is so strong wanting to be expressive and visual.
It is the only thing that has stopped me coming out and is restrictive in itself having to hide all my dresses, underwear, jewellery which is not easy itself.
Not scared of outcome but scared of the hurt it will cause.
Even considered moving to a different town but not sure that will work.
- January 8, 2021 at 8:01 am #429346Bettylou CoxDuchessRegistered On: May 26, 2019Topics: 17Replies: 1704Has thanked: 3032 timesBeen thanked: 5710 times
You are in a difficult position, one that most of us have shared, and I can’t blame you for being scared. For a small number of women, being a CD is a deal-breaker for the relationship, and you can’t know in advance whether your wife is one of them. BUT the need to Dress will go stronger with time, and the likelihood of being outed will also increase. IF your wife is one of these women, then what you fear most will someday happen, and could be made worse by the secrecy factor and loss of trust. And if you tell her, you may be surprised; My wife believes it is wrong for men to wear women’s clothes, but she also understands the concept of getting in touch with your feminine side. So she reluctantly gave permission for me to wear nighties, then tops and skirts, and eventually dresses and full makeup in her presence.
If/when you tell her, it is important to stress that you are not gay, you still love her and are not planning to leave or have surgery. And letting her set what she feels are necessary limits on your activity is also helpful. Compromise is essential in any relationship; even more so in this one, where her own femininity may feel threatened. Good luck.
- January 7, 2021 at 11:23 am #428892Laura LovettLadyRegistered On: March 26, 2020Topics: 12Replies: 757Has thanked: 2425 timesBeen thanked: 3722 times
If you’re feeling desperate to come out, and thinking through the worst case scenarios, then it sounds like you are preparing yourself for the inevitable – which is a good thing.
The hard part, of course, is selling it to those around you, and preparing for eventualities you haven’t thought about yet.
Well here is the best place to think and talk about those eventualities and decide on the small steps that are right for you.
One way to approach the hurdles is to switch them around a bit.
For example, if you’re afraid of losing everything and ending up on the street (this actually happened to someone I knew back in the 1980s), then think about who will be taking it away from you and why.
I don’t know where you live, but where I live, wearing clothes is neither a crime, nor a ground for divorce.
If a woman stops wearing dresses and makeup and cut her hair, few husbands would scream and shout and threaten the apocalypse.
If you can find the calm centre, and keep it, chances are you can own the process and eventually have it work for you and your family, although let’s not pretend, it might take years of hard work to undo the damage that society has wreaked on some people, particularly women.
It’s probably taken years, if not decades to come to this decision – how long might it take your wife?
Nowadays, there is much wider acceptance of gender fluidity, as well as the scientific evidence to back it up. We’re all girls in the womb, until genetics decides to mix up our chemistry and biology a bit – and it’s not binary. Not all of us are Alphas with naturally athletic frames or minds.
You have every right to be who you are, and you are not inflicting yourself on people.
They don’t want to see that? How rude!!!
They didn’t sign up for that? Um. Yes. They did. They signed up for life and everything it brings.
Gaslighting by control freaks is well known to be toxic.
But it’s a tough call for those being gaslit.
You’re made to feel you’re not normal, and you go through so much life at least half believing that’s true, that when a loved one re-inforces it, it’s like a nuclear bomb, and it can be hard to think clearly when they’re so confused by it all.
But you can survive the fallout, no matter how long it takes. If you’re going through Hell, keep going.
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and we are the light.
If you’re a CD who feels the need to come out, and you do so – and act on it going forwards – it’s the most liberating feeling.
Very scary at first, but bit by bit, you find that part of you that you knew was missing.
*Based entirely on my own experiences – your mileage may vary 😘
- January 8, 2021 at 7:08 am #429298Cindy LouBaroness - AnnualRegistered On: November 18, 2020Topics: 10Replies: 433Has thanked: 1840 timesBeen thanked: 1994 times
Good points Laura, but when you mentioned that tired old line “I didn’t sign up for this” oh boy that really gets me going because it’s such a selfish and narrow minded way of thinking. There is however a line in the sand which I was discussing with my wife last night, that line for her and most women is or should be a sex change, and I can certainly understand a woman walking away from a marriage because of it. But to utter that BS when the man you swore to love for better or worse wants to dress as a woman half of the time, give your head a shake honey.
- January 8, 2021 at 7:42 am #429318Laura LovettLadyRegistered On: March 26, 2020Topics: 12Replies: 757Has thanked: 2425 timesBeen thanked: 3722 times
I agree, it’s phrases like that which are the problem, Cindy.
The way I see it, confused wives turn to sites like mumsnet for advice (site chosen at random – Mumsnet is a valuable resource for women’s issues) – and there will be a multitude of answers, leaving the poor lady even more confused, but now with an arsenal of stock phrases to articulate her feelings, which cause more confusion because they don’t seek to be conciliatory, and end up being antagonistic.
It’s not fair to blame women for society’s conditioning, even though it is reasonable to expect to be listened to and given space.
To make the 2 way street work, it’s important to understand the enemy – which isn’t the ill-informed wife, who doesn’t know what or who to believe, because there’s all this stuff posted about how we lie by keeping CDing a secret.
This latter isn’t true, any more than the multitude of stuff we don’t tell each other constitutes lying. We can’t share everything as we’d require a psychic link – maybe a Vulcan mind meld?
This thought is rife, though – about secretive cross dressing being an enormous, whopper of a lie that we should be ashamed of.
With society’s attitude, forcing many of us to try to give up on a regular basis, it’s no wonder we hide it. It’s expected of us – less these days…
I’m beginning to rant again – point is, the main issue isn’t the wife. If I broke my wife up into bits I loved and bits I hated, both would exist, but the loved bits would outweigh the hated bits by a long way – even though the hated bits (non-acceptance) dramatically impact my own quality of life, so do the loved bits – and I choose to live with those and push at the hated bits – polish up the diamond and cut off the rough edges, so to speak.
Just as she does with me, but more openly.
E.g. “I hate it when you leave your stuff on the table”.
Me: “Do you want to fix the washing machine instead?”
Or “Do you still want me to mind the kids while I work?”
It’s a 2 way street and couples disagree about stuff. It takes a lot of work to make it work 👩💻
- January 8, 2021 at 7:49 am #429329Cindy LouBaroness - AnnualRegistered On: November 18, 2020Topics: 10Replies: 433Has thanked: 1840 timesBeen thanked: 1994 times
You’re really touching on some points that hit close to home today Laura. My wife and I were talking about the whole ‘He was lying to me all those years’ BS. I asked her in the gentlest most non-confrontational way if she thought I had been in any way lying to her after we had the talk. The expression on her face answered my question before the words ever came out of her mouth, ‘Not a one bit, I was a bit surprised and very impressed by the courage it took for you to tell me that’, I love her to bits, all of them.
- January 7, 2021 at 2:04 pm #428972KathleenDuchessRegistered On: February 20, 2020Topics: 2Replies: 135Has thanked: 447 timesBeen thanked: 489 times
Umm it’s just not how YOU feel it’s also about how others feel.These people may truly love you yet not know how to react.Yup be true to yourself but if you love these people give them some space and time.This coming out stuff isn’t easy for anyone!
- January 7, 2021 at 10:59 am #428878Jessica RossLadyRegistered On: December 9, 2020Topics: 1Replies: 136Has thanked: 202 timesBeen thanked: 533 times
I wish you all the best Georgie.
I cannot speak of experience but it would seem to me that telling your family is the best thing you can do.
I could be wrong but I don’t think you can go on living the way you are. Hiding your true self.
- January 7, 2021 at 10:55 am #428877KathleenDuchessRegistered On: February 20, 2020Topics: 2Replies: 135Has thanked: 447 timesBeen thanked: 489 times
This is a giant roll of the dice you absolutely don’t know how you’re family will react or what to expect. I would suggest small steps baby steps until you get a feel for the reactions from your family. Maybe a careful preliminary talk with your wife? Remember this will probably be quite a shock for them expect the unexpected.I do hope for the best for you let us know how it goes
- January 7, 2021 at 10:48 am #428873Rei DurdenBaroness - AnnualRegistered On: October 11, 2020Topics: 19Replies: 791Has thanked: 4885 timesBeen thanked: 3194 times
I do wish you luck if you’re are 100% committed to making this step.
You’ve already imagined the worst (jobless homeless and alone) and decided to go ahead.
Although when you said you weren’t scared of the outcome, but only the hurt it will cause, maybe being jobless homeless and alone is secondary to the chaos and pain that will inevitably follow.
Just make sure your feelings and motives are clear before proceeding. When the inevitable questions come, it’s easier if you have got as much as you can already figured out.
- January 7, 2021 at 10:42 am #428869AnonymousRegistered On:Topics: 4Replies: 272Has thanked: 46 timesBeen thanked: 1006 times
If I thought what you described would happen then I would not come out. Even though I LOVE being Carla I would not choose her over my family. I am in a different situation than you being an empty nester and divorced. My kids all live out of state and I have zero communication with my ex, we both went our separate ways. But the choice is yours to make, just weight everything before you travel down that road to make sure you can accept the outcome.
- January 7, 2021 at 10:27 am #428861Kitty Van CurenLadyRegistered On: November 3, 2020Topics: 0Replies: 151Has thanked: 135 timesBeen thanked: 517 times
Honestly, I wouldn’t.
The *only* thing about my life that makes this easy for me to do this is the fact that …I’m alone.
If there were other factors / people involved I don’t think I would risk the upset of letting anyone else ‘in’
This is hard to express, but I wouldn’t risk losing everything else for the sake of something that in my opinion, can be controlled. Once that reveal is a done-deal, there’s no telling what will happen and *you* are no longer in control of anything. ..That is VERY real.
The fact that you have expectations for the worse is probably because you know the worst-case scenario is going to happen.
It’s a really tough decision. Having read what others go through, lose, regret… I would be very cautious. Take an extra day, then see if you still feel the same way about telling anyone.
Honestly, I wish the best to you and hope everything works out. Only you can do this – or not.
- December 28, 2020 at 1:39 pm #424297
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