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OK, super-heroines, I don’t know that this is something that really calls for a poll, but I would love some feedback.
I took a drab bike ride, this morning, & was thinking how nice it would be if I could take this ride as me (Dawn). I’ve done exactly that, twice before, but really took some chances with being seen & recognized by the neighbors. Personally, I wouldn’t care, but for my wife, it would be “horrific”.
I would love for everyone to know both of me. I would love to be able to go out as whatever gender I choose & have people treat me accordingly. If I choose to present as a woman, they would see me & interact with me as such. Same thing if I present as a man.
Are any of you in a position like that? Are you completely out or do you still feel the need to hide your female persona & keep your secret identity secret?
Hi Dawn, I am completely out, I have been since March 31st of this year, which was TDoV, Transgender Day of Visibility. I transitioned at work, a govt building where I am the site supervisor for security. So there’s no hiding who I am any longer, no secrets, I announced it to the world so everybody knows who I am. If I get questioned now, my government ID says female and shows a photo of Lauren. So far most people have treated me as a woman with the exception of some family members who won’t accept the real me, and some friends who never were true friends.
Hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
I am less concerned what the neighbors might think, but still keep it hidden at my wife’s request. It is less of an issue if I am away from the neighborhood, and I am bolder about appearing en femme the further from home I go. I have gone for bike rides and runs en femme and it is fun.
While I try to appear feminine, I am not terribly concerned about it and know I don’t fully pass, nor do I try. My divers license and credit card has my name on it, and I use them when I need to and just accept it.
Dawn i am like you i would love to be “out” to the world, but that would end my marriage of 38 years
I was about 8 as well. As I got older I couldn’t fit in her stuff anymore except for squeezing into undies. Been doing it off and on ever since. Mentioned it to mom once years later. She wrote it off to curiosity and didn’t want to talk about it. My wife would not be understanding either so I keep her secret.
I guess for me it’s a ‘somewhat secret’ identity. I’m out to my wife and she’s not just supportive but actually enthusiastic. She gently urges me to come out to more people, go out en femme, and generally live an integrated life. I want that, too! BUT… My aged mother would not understand, my adult daughter would not understand, and I have few friends in the world that I feel I could trust with this. To that add the fact that I have a very public job, and… well, I just can’t see ever being completely out with everyone everywhere all the time. Fortunately for me I don’t feel a need to fully and permanently transition. The male me is as integral to my identity as Nikki is, I just want to be able to express all I am whenever and wherever. There are people I won’t come out to, I accept that. Right now, that feels like most of the people in my life, which isn’t an awesome feeling, but it’s a journey, right? Every small step I takes feel really empowering, so maybe once I’ve filled my ‘confidence meter’ to 100% I’ll be more inclined to come out more fully and let the chips fall where they may. For example, I got a new fall outfit yesterday (short wool skirt, oversized matching sweater, goldenrod tights, and cute ankle boots), and I felt amazing and my wife suggested going to our local watering hole, and for a moment I ALMOST said yes! I chickened out and changed back into drab and all of those amazing feelings went away, my wife even commented on the change in my demeanor. The day I can introduce Nikki to more of the world will be a BIG DAY.
xo, Nikki
I am more “out” than many but not completely “out” and never will be.
So far I have told 6 friends/acquaintances about Fiona & they have all been very accepting and understanding as I knew they would be. I have no intention of telling any other friends/acquaintances at all. Some of them are good friends but I know they would not understand & would be very uncomfortable. They may not shut me out completely but it would fundamentally change the nature of our relationship and I value our friendship too much to let that happen.
In addition to the 6 above, my neighbor on one side of me knows. She caught me fully en femme one day but she is cool with it & doesn’t have a problem. The guy on the other side of me is one who I hope never finds out. As for the rest of the neighbors I don’t really care if they know or not.
I now spend about 80% of my time outside as Fiona and while doing so I have met a few people who discovered I was cross dressing but were fine with it. One has become a nice acquaintance and the other a friend. So while I am relatively open about Fiona with people I meet and don’t care about most neighbors, there is a large percentage of friends and all my family who will never be told.
I still keep my identity secret from my family and few friends. My wife knows but we are separated and getting divorced. She couldn’t possibly care about what I do anymore. I’m open to you lovely ladies on this site, and damn glad to have like minded souls to chat with and share experiences with.
I feel exactly the same way that you do, except, my wife would say, “I don’t give a sh!t what the neighbors think, you do you…”
So, any hesitation that happens, is on me….lol.
I have come and gone dressed drab, fem, and little in between. But I’ll be honest…walking out in the middle of the day always gives me pause… I usually have to do the “rip off the band aid” or “just jump into the cold pool” approach to it. Once I’m out there and realize that the sky didn’t fall on my head, I decompress and hold my head high…
I am just working to convince myself that, either I believe what I say, or I don’t. That is, “clothes don’t define gender, wear what you feel happy in, and don’t let the judgement of others shape who you are.”
So, that’s my whatever on getting out there…
Have some fun out there!
XOXO
Rayna
Same situation here & I doubt it will ever change, unless I moved a distance away.My kids are here nearby, and friends of a lifetime,too, so no interest in moving. If I took one trip down our country dirt road with my blonde wig on, all it would take would be one sighting by one neighbor & the whisper campaign would begin, as they’re all related.
like many things in life, it’s a tradeoff.Hi Dawn.
Wow, what a great question! I’m sure it’s one that every single one of us here have struggled with. Like you, I would love to live in a world where I could choose who I was going to be each and every day and be able to go out as that person and be seen and treated as that person. Male one day, female the next, who knows? Who cares?
In the past (before I came out) I’ve gone on walks fully dressed through my neighborhood, but that was only in the evening and when my wife wasn’t home. If she had known I had done that, like yours, mine would have been horrified. But to me, it just felt right, to be out as a woman walking around the neighborhood where I lived.
I’ve since gone out in public, but never with my wife, and I always promised her that it would be to places where I would (probably) not be recognized by anyone I knew. So yes, like you and many (most?) of us, I too still have to maintain that secret identity, at least to a degree. And even though I did come out of the closet, I’m not out fully to everyone, everywhere, so my super heroine identity will have to remain a secret a bit longer.
So yes, I wish I could be totally and completely out, but life, the universe, and everything sometimes conspire to prevent that.
Maybe we should all agree on our super heroine costume, so at least we’d have something to look forward to? 😉 I’m thinking something between Wonder Woman and Cat Woman, hmmm???
Hugs,
Holly
I kinda like having a secret identity. Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Catwoman, Wonder Woman etc all kept their identity secret.
Interesting question, Dawn. I am partially out some places and fully out others (partially at work fully to family). I would love to be able to go out as Cassie where ever and when ever I wanted to-that would likely be Cassie 50-90% of the time. I would love to be called Cassie, she/her at those times and if anyone would slip up and call me she/ her or ma’am when dressed in drab I would probably smile!!
So no more secrets like that for me.,
. CassieHi Dawn,
Great post, in one way I’m like you in that any worries of being seen by who ever wouldn’t bother me but I’m careful because of my wife. I have come out to all my family including my two boys and my wifes as well and they are the only people I care about. If any neighbours casual friends or whom ever found out, well take me or leave me.
Trish. 💖
Hey Dawn
Great question and great set of answers. I certainly identify with most of the answers given by the other ladies (fear of potentially humiliating my wife and other family members, but I also have fear of personal embarrassment, lost of community status, job, etc.), but won’t it be great to be able to flip from me-to-me at will and be the woman or the other one whenever I wanted.
One of the things that I often think about however, is that it is very likely that one or more of our neighours, colleagues, sports team mates, local councillors are also thinking the same thing. Crossdressing, whilst still not fully accepted in society in general is more common that people think.
We will come out ladies, we will achieve our goals to be ourselves and for society to not bat an eyelid when they see us (or better still to look at us as the hot sexy women we are). We will prevail. Our time will come, it is coming. Just as soon as we find the right outfits to wear (its hard running a revolution in stockings and heels).
In the meantime, underdressing, much like superman did (with his red panties and blue stocking suit under his drab clothes), is the way forward for me.:)
Hugs to everyone
ChristineWell I would love to be able to do same thing and be accepted as both. Since coming out to my wife I’ve started going out in public a lot more. As my counsellor suggested I let as many friends know as I’m comfortable with. Since then I’ve told my sister, sister in law, my niece and my female boss at work. They all took it very well and are supportive. My next step again suggested by counsellor is to let a male friend know about my other side of me. I would absolutely love to be able to be able to go out when ever I wanted as Ashley and be accepted as such. I love being out in full femme mode and it just feels right to be.
While it helps me feel complete to underdress somewhat every day. This is my secret enjoyment. At this stage of my life, I’m just not ready to deal with years of unsettled emotions and turmoil with my family or friends. It’s just not worth it to me to have to go thru that. My wife wants a DADT basis over my CD time and admittedly it’s not the best but it’s not the worst either. While it would be sooooo much easier for me to be out. I just don’t think anyone else needs to know
I am fortunate in that I am retired and have the resources to do as I like. Since my wife really doesn’t like to travel as I do. We reached an understanding in that she won’t mind me going if I won’t mind her not going. So, I get to go pretty much whenever I want but keeping it reasonable. I’ve taken 4 road trips this year usually lasting from 10 to 14 days. this gives me nearly 2 wks. to immerse myself in femininity 24/7. It’s not perfect but it allows me to feel satisfied, for now.
Dawn –
Most definitely a secret identity for me. My wife and therapist are the only ones that know Suzanne. Actually there are a couple others I met at a support group meeting I went to once but haven’t seen them since and not worried about them. As others have said, I am very careful as to not embarrass my wife. I try to not do things to bring attention to my dressing (i.e.; shaving legs, painting toes) if I know there is a possibility of being seen. I would love to be able to go out dressed but don’t see that happening anytime soon. I do occassionally dress for my therapy sessions though which is relaxing. I’m not sure my wife is aware that I do but that is the reason for my therapy sessions so makes sense to do that.
XOXO
SuzanneTruthfully at least from my perspective, I kind of like the “secret identity” approach. I realize that appears to be a minority view among those here, but that philosophy seems to fit best for me. My wife is the only one who knows, she is accepting and there are no others on my “needs to know” list, I have just begun to step outside into the real world, always choosing destinations far enough from home so as to not likely be recognized. I have walked around the neighborhood fully dressed in the morning hours – I know the neighbors have seen me but I do not think they realize who they are seeing , I’m just some mystery woman, unless I forget myself and say “Hi” in my usual voice. And i guess treading up that close to the line adds to the excitement for me.
Hi Dawn-It is funny, but I can say I am out to my wife but still find the need to hide! I guess it is the lie we live for years. It’s not so easy to come out even though I have confided in my wife. She is supporting but not ready to participate. She has fears. And I guess I haven’t gotten rid of my fears either. I would love to be able to choose how I want to present every day without any guilt or fear. That is my goal. So, for now even though I am out I still feel the need to hide.
Thank you Maive for putting it so well! My situation is exactly the same; my SO knows but is so frightened of it “getting worse” I find I’m hiding as much as I was when I was in stealth mode. Still, there is always the hope of change! It’s so helpful to find that your not the only one in a particular situation!
Hugs Gabby
Thanks for the good question Dawn. I’m out and dressed each day and have my hair in a pony tail. Women’s clothes fit me best and I’m usually in jeans and a pullover. I can blend in but get misgendered about half the time unless I glam up (which I usually don’t and really don’t care). If questioned, I will gladly explain that I am an intersex person and what that entails but won’t volunteer it any more than a woman would mention in the middle of a conversation that one of her boobs is half the size of the other or that she actually wears a wig due to alopecia. I don’t hide. I live, and am not ashamed. I don’t gush but do educate. So, some of my neighbors, friends and family know and some of them don’t. Maybe they will know in time but that doesn’t matter to me. If it seems important then I’ll talk about it but otherwise I’m more likely to talk about global warming, a broken hydraulic cylinder or the War in Ukraine. I will mention here that some of my relatives go “blah blah blah, I don’t want to hear about our family’s defective genes so shut up” as they put their hands over their ears and we don’t mention it again. So things are not always perfect but that’s where I am on this issue, and my wife is also with me in about the same place. It’s only been about 10 years ago that I got to this place. I hope this helps others and that’s actually why I joined CDH and TGH. Marg
I’m and older cross dresser who started cross dressing long before people had heard of gender issues, I am out to my wife who is somewhat comfortable with my cross dressing, but that is as far as it goes. We live in a small rural town where most people are vanilla. I’m well known in my community and non of my friends would understand and the talk in the community if I should be discovered would be damaging to my wife. Oh to be young and free and live in a city where there is a variety of people like NYC.
I know exactly how you feel. I wish that masculine and feminine were just style choices as simple as casual or formal. I have dressed up for work, and so I’m completely out there. No one cares. My wife doesn’t like it, so I haven’t dressed up in quite a while, but it’s no secret among my coworkers. In our church community, no one knows and while I have mixed feelings about it, I think this is what my wife is most afraid of.
I completely agree, I wish the rest of the world was as comfortable with gender fluidity as I am.
Dawn, thanks for the question. In my view each of us have to decide for ourselves what we will do. For me, I will have to be very discrete and primarily private. My wife is somewhat starting to support me in my crossdressing and I don’t want to destroy that. Plus my three grown children and grandkids don’t know and at this point in my life, I don’t want them to know. For everyone who can, I am so happy that you can do so!
I’m maintaining a secret identity, most of my family, and friends are more conservative, and would not get it. I also live in a fairly conservative area. It would make my male life difficult. I enjoy that life the way it is so I don’t want to blow it up.
Now if this was a perfect world, I would love to be able to just go about dressed as who I felt like on any particular day!
💕Lara
I seem to be oscillate between presenting openly in the small rural community where I live, and retreating back into hiding.
I am in the same boat as you basically. My wife knows all about Tara and is completely fine with it all – as long as it all stays inside. I have been out dressed but just not with her. The best I can get in terms of public appearances is occasionally we will go to one of the gay clubs (The Garden here is Las Vegas usually) just for fun and there I can wear heels and leggings or jeggings.
Baby steps, right 🙂
Tara
Hi Dawn!
My situation is a little different, in that my wife doesn’t know; I’m in complete stealth mode. With that said, if I had the opportunity to go out, I think I’d rather keep the “secret identity” aspect of my crossdressing: I am not particularly interested in going full-time or even casually as Tara. She’s more like a treat that I get to enjoy whenever I can, if that makes any sense. Years ago I ventured out in public with a group of other CDs, but I don’t have the freedom to do that nowadays. It was really fun and I only had positive experiences when out.
I keep things a secret, primarily as my SO does not approve.
I do go out, but have to be discreet. In some ways, as I only have few hours a couple of times a month to dress – its like a holiday from the day-to-day. I always feel better after dressing, in a sane sensible world I would dress and look how I pleased rather than be constrained by a stereotype.
My closet door was cracked open about 5 years ago. It has been a slow journey. I have told a few trusted family members who I knew would accept me. I have other family members who would permanently reject me. I am not currently ready for that but I constantly ponder that at some time it may happen. At work is a totally different ballgame. I am a valued employee and need the pay & benefits right now. On the other hand our office is filled with so much hate for LGBTQ. My hair is long, pony tail goes down to between my shoulder blades. But that is it for presenting at work. Co-workers call me a hippie. My inner girl is pulling me forward and I know one day that I will out 24/7. I hope that I won’t need this job and don’t care about what others think.
I dress up in my house and have gone out once to run some errands. I have relatives and co-workers living near by, so I play the caution game for now.
Hi Dawn
I for one am me, all me all the time. If someone knows me they are aware of both the personas.
One of my best lines came quite recently when I was meeting a new customer at the job site. I got out of my vehicle dressed in my skinny jeans with flowered top, bra and forms which is my normal work attire anymore, I introduced myself and they had an amused but slightly quizical look on their faces, I asked “not what you were expecting?” to which I got a giggled no from the wife, so I replied “then your expectations were far too low”. It got a laugh from both of them and we went on to discuss the job, set a start date, and move ahead with things. Even callbacks for additional work.
I always seem to leave an impression lol. If I’ve been in to discuss something with a supplier or store clerk and come back at a later date, they never forget who I am.
For me the years of hiding are over. I leave the house and return openly fully dressed femme, assuming all my neighbours already know and either approve or not care the least. I just don’t show it into the face of my wife as she is somewhat concerned about it affecting her own reputation.
I came out at work in 2018 and am treated no different whether l come in male or female attire. The regulars on the commuter bus, several of whom are our neighbours make clear they recognise me in both personas but only one has ever asked me about it and concluded I made an remarkably genuine and good looking woman. Recently I have at several occasions ended up on the same bus as another neighbour who also happens to be my wife’s best friend! Yet she doesn’t seems to have talked with my about it.
Hello Dawn,
I’m definitely in stealth mode all the time, even though my wife wouldn’t care if I went out and announced it to the world. And she be the first one with her foot up someone’s nether regions if they tried to cause trouble for me.
The problem for me, like a lot of girls here, is some of my family and friends are very conservative, especially my son. I can’t risk alienating them. But I’d love to be able to go wherever I pleased and not worry about them finding out because they’d already know.
Love to my sisters!
Jill
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