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Hello friends and CDH family. My wife of 4 years; my 2nd is concerned about our lack of sex intimacy. (my ex left me after almost 40 yrs because she could no longer bear the mental anquish that she was married to a man who struggled to accept his masculinity. I did not express outwardly, but my moodiness regularly “shouted” to her where my heart was and she understood correctly.)
I told my my current wife before marrying that I was trans. She accepted the disclosure, but I am sure she didn’t honestly grasp the depth of my condition. She loved me and perhaps blinded by that love she married me nevertheless. We are strong Christians so there was no physical intimacy before marriage.
Just prior to our ceremony I had a stroke from which I recovered almost full health. Again, despite questioning from others because of my health she married me nevertheless.
One of the losses from the stroke was my male libido. I have exactly none. However I do get extremely aroused by ?”crossdreaming?”; by the fantasy of being feminized and becoming a girlfriend and by the thoughts of being the woman in a hetro relationship.
So now I am faced with the deception of blaming my lack of sexual interest on my stroke or being brutally honest and open up about how my transness is actually affecting our relationship with more than moodiness and an occasional topical reference. Though we have talked about my desire to be female, I don’t really believes she gets it. And such disclosure would wound her deeply I believe.
I am not convinced there would have to be any feminizing actually going on to improve my libido. Just knowing that she knew, understood, and accepted me as I am – a man who continually struggles with accepting my masculine self and at times deeply longs to be female; just knowing that I am accepted just as I am; that sort of intimacy would be huge. . . . I think, but then I reason; “for you perhaps, but not for her.”
Has anyone been in these waters before? If so any help to navigate them is truly appreciated. I admire the many who have written to others about the need for relationship honesty, but is there a point where one can be too brutal in their honesty? Can this be navigated with total honesty without destroying her or our relationship?
Say what you may, my experience is that being trans really tests your metal.
Blessings.
Charrie
Hi Charlene
Let me first say I have great empathy for your struggle. If being trans was easy we wouldn’t need a website like CDH. My empathy for your sutuation comes from wanting to be accepted and will that be enough? My wife tells me that she hears me saying it’s enough but she believes that my personal evolution is just beginning. All she has asked of me so far is honesty at all cost. As she so eloquently says this transition is yours so own it. We are walking this path together but I’m driving. So is it enough? Time will tell. I’m so raw and new, only just realizing my truth that I really don’t know. My wife may not understand the depth of my feelings but wow she is still here. That is a huge level of acceptance. You should see a therapist if you can to help you navigate these troubled waters. You have to decide what you need to be happy if you do that everything else falls into place. Of coarse as I’m finding out you can’t make a cake if your not willing to crack a few eggs.
Much love
Sabrina
I am on the older side and love female things l have had sexual relationship with men and loved it’s am taking hormones to grow breast I love snap play. But I am still a male I had my prostate we moved 3 years ago so no more erection I love gay men I am in a relationship with a woman and all is OK but I have a desire to be with a man
Yasmen, Y understand your plight! I was married 2 times and both times I would dress when they weren’t around , Yes we has sex but after our divorces I wanted to be with a man also and as a youngester I try various things to say and enjoyed it all. After my divorce I had a second heart attack and that needed attention open heart surgery\ and meds. the meds worked but lost the ability to have a complete and lasting erection as I continue my dressing I met this man and and it was wonderfull to hold and kiss and what ever came after was great. I landed in therapy an discovered That I was gay so I just went about my business . But I still love to be with a men all dress ed up a be with a nice man. I am chossy though who I am with and i am older also so most men want younger chickys and slimmer. But my outlook is if you don’t like me oh well your lost. So all I can say is good luck and enjoy life as much as you can.
Hugs
Stacey
Hi Charlene.Your story was quite interesting to me. I have had 5 heart attacks and am on a slew of medications for issues related to the attacks and it side effects. A stroke is usually treated in a similar fashion. I found that beta-blockers and blood thinners have affected libedo and erectile function to the point were I cannot function sexually any longer. This may play a major role in your situation. The fantasies don’t stop..just the ability to act upon them. Enter depression and guilt of inadequacy with your wife…and the cycle goes on only more intense. I believe that the sexual act serves one purpose and love quite another in a relationship. One need not have sex but massage, doing things together, really listening to your partner and cuddling can replace this aspect of a marriage. Ask any married couple, and if they are honest with each other, sex after a couple years fades in desire and frequency. You will find that feminizing may indeed bring back function but it won’t last long. The arousal of being feminine will fade with time and medications. A proper diet, exercise and positive attitude will help you prevent any further issues related to cardio/vascular systems incidents. The fact of a stroke is indicative of more serious causes and should be investigated. Especially calcium issues and musculature effects by same. This appears to be one of the root causes of heart attacks and strokes but definitive studies are in their infancy at this stage of research.
CDH has a special section for wives only that is designed to help gennetic females to discuss their issues with others in the same boat, thereby kind of leaning on each others experiences for dealing with males and the desire to cross dress. I recommend that your wife join CDH and log in with the other wives for frank discussions and assistance with this issue.
Really start to long after your health….you may not be so lucky next. I know I wasn’t.
All the best……..
Lady Veronica
Aftrrmsny years of great labido and crossdressing do to meds I lost the ability to hold a hard on. That became psychological torment every time she wanted to get intiate I held back. What made me feel better about that was when she was gone I dressed up pretending to be the house wife, I would turn on the stereo put on my apron and cook and clean in my dress 100% dressed appropriately for an older wonan. OMG how I loved it. Well one day I left something out she had an idea that I dressed I had all my own clothes (more dresses than she had) that led to counseling then I get caught leaving out a bag intended for the trash ! That was it she wouldn’t listen to me and left a week later. Been dressing since I was 5 been in public many times even shopping as a woman and get caught at 55. Yep it hurts but how do I take care of that ? I feel pretty I feel comfortable and wish I could go out like this ! Tanks all for taking the time 😘
My situation is somewhat different,my best friend of over 20 years would come to my place and we would skinny dip in my pool almost daily during the summer. I was single and he was married. One day he came over and I was dressed, well the look in his eyes old me everything. We started making out and while as Randy I could never kiss a man, as Randi it was just so natural. He took me in his arms and we had a really hot make-out session and one thing led to another, when we actually had sex he was so loving and gentle with me it was an amazing experience. in this case coming out to my best friend was a great experience.
Hi Charlene , I sort of know where you are coming from . Except I’m married still and have just this year admitted to my wife that I have had two affairs with other men, and the fact that I now know I’m bisexual. Also after 30 years of trying to quit dressing I just can’t. My first affair wasn’t with a long time friend but friend with a secret that I didn’t know about until I was in love with him and ready to leave my family for him. Didn’t end well . But the feeling of being treated like a woman by a man is amazing. And the sex WOW!!!!!! I was in heaven.
My male libido had been on life support for years and was mercifully finished off when I had a stroke not long ago. I honestly don’t miss it one bit. Especially because crossdressing puts me in a state of euphoria that goes on indefinitely, as opposed to an orgasm that is over with before you know it.
This has not been an issue for my wife because we live apart due to her chronic illness. And we had been sexually inactive for many years anyway. My “junk” is aptly named. It’s just sort of in the way now. If there weren’t so many strings attached in getting it “converted”, I’d consider it. What I’d really love is to grow my breasts…to feel the completeness and the sensitivity. But my wife still appreciates my male appearance and persona when I go to visit her every day. So for now it’s just a dream.
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