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Hi ladies,
My husband came out as a CD about a year ago and it was rough to say the least. For a while it didn’t look like we would make it but we do love each other and we have a young child so we really put in the work to create a ‘new normal’. Things are good (not what they used to be but still good) in every area except the bedroom, I am just not sexually attracted to him anymore. We have sex a couple of times a week but I just can’t seem to separate the two sides (even though he doesn’t dress in the bedroom) I want to know how many of you would be open to your significant others finding sexual satisfaction outside of your relationship for the sake of your relationship?
Stephanie
My personal opinion…
First is have you both looked at or discussed some counseling? I would strongly urge it. If for anything to understand why you lost it, and to understand him. Second, the 2 of you should have some serious discussion and talk about it before you do anything “outside” of the marriage.
Not knocking how you feel, but some counseling and discussion before you take any action. He…might…be OK with it or he might not. You may be better off down the road discussing mutual moving on if you cant shake or change your lack of attraction. You dont want to hold each other “hostage” in a relationship that isn’t a 100%
Robyn
sex is just a physical thing. maybe you can explore sex with someone else. but then you would have to let him do the same. if you really love each other than this could work, but there is a chance he or you could fall in love with someone else. it works for some people. like the guy who cant get it hard anymore. he wants his wife to have the love making that he cant do anymore but she really needs. so he lets her have a substitute batter.
No.
No, no, no. I am just not wired – nor would I want – to be able to receive love from one person and sex from another in a relationship, and wouldn’t be able to live with it from my SO. That’s not even getting into the wedding vows and committment to each other. Myself, I can see it leading only to further unhappiness.
This is just me, of course.🙂
Stevie
I agree with the no’s. I take my marriage vows extremely serious, and fidelity is one of the most important. with communication, there are ways through pretty much everything, and thats over 40 yrs exp, with one woman.
please, see a counselor, and talk to each other, dont just give up.
My opinion only, and no offence meant to anyone
Hugs, RegineWell I’m just going to go ahead and throw my 2 cents worth in here because I was asked for it.
Cheating is never acceptable. If you’re in a relationship of any sort, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, married etc., you just don’t cheat on people. It makes people feel terrible not to mention all the other problems associated with it. If you are entertaining the idea of having intimate relations with someone other than your SO then leave them. Cheating is a deal breaker for me.
I spent many years trying to talk to men who cheat on their partners and I never got anywhere with them. I talked to their women also about how it was unacceptable behavior. I guess I’m old fashioned so to say but I wasn’t raised that way and I do not agree with cheating. Never have , never will. If you are in any sort of committed relationship with another human it’s just that. A committed relationship. Most people don’t like it when it happens to them so don’t look for what you can get at home elsewhere. The men i used to try to sway their mind on cheating hated to be cheated on. They could cheat but if their girlfriend did it there was hell to pay. I never really understood it and still don’t.
I have never cheated on a girlfriend. I have never been married but I have dated a lot. I have never cheated on any girlfriend. I’m as true as the day is long. Have I been cheated on? Yep sure have and it sucks! I dumped her about 2 minutes after I found out.
At the end of the day it is your decision and you have to do what you think is right for you. I don’t agree with cheating. Some people don’t care one way or the other. Some are all for finding what you need from sources outside the relationship which I strongly disagree with but once again that’s just me and I’m not in your relationship.
I’m sorry this may be a little overbearing but this is a subject that I feel very strongly about. Cheating is extremely hurtful to all parties involved.
Hi Stephanie,
I firmly believe what you are asking is a contradiction in terms; having relations outside of the marriage is inherently self-destructive, and instead signals that it’s finished. A marriage CAN exist without intimacy, but I wouldn’t suggest you try. Instead, please search out counseling, and if you can’t embrace your husband’s cross-dressing, perhaps you can find a way to tolerate it, as have so many wives. And I wish you success.
Bettylou
Hi Stephanie , it’s your relationship so you both work out & agree on the arrangements that work for the BOTH of you . Neither should be forced to agree , honest discussion may bring about some middle ground for you both 💐💐
Wait a minute. Stephanie said that her SO is finding sexual satisfaction outside of their relationship. That does not necessarily mean that he is seeing other people. It could mean is into self pleasure. I know because my wife does not want anything to do with a man wearing feminine clothing and I have the habit pretty bad. At least Stephanie and her So are still having sex a couple times a week. Be glad for that and find common ground. If you can make it work well thats way better than divorce.
Edmund Dauntes.Stephanie;
I’m answering this as the question was posed and really want to make it clear that this is how I feel for me/us. I am the CD husband and the feelings you have described have been voiced here in a similar way (without the question).
I’m afraid that I’m still old school about your question. I love my wife as much now as the day we married, and find her incredibly attractive. I’d be heart-broken if she suggested that finding satisfaction with someone else was the way for her, and a solution to our relationship. I have, and would never do that to her and can’t imagine her suggesting it.
Having said that, I do not know if our relationship would survive this revelation or not, but it would hurt immensely.
Every relationship is unique and I have known people who would jump at your suggestion… I’m just not one of that number, but you and he need to find something that works for you.
-Molly (feeling that I should be signing as my male name)
Me personaly, I wouldnt want my wife to find pleasure with some one else. Im a cd, it took me a while to understand that I didnt become more feminine, I just have a feminine side and masculine side. It took my wife awhile to be comfortable with my feminine side, and we are both still learning after 7 years but things can get better if you both want to work on things. Being truthful with each other is a huge part of how me and my wife make things work. But ever relationship is different, I hope this helps. Wish you two all the best.
Yes, I would be ok with it with the idea I care and have only best wishes toward her. Some marriages take sex off the table all together for various reasons. I do not want anyone feeling uncomfortable nor sexually frustrated. It is not cheating if it is consensual. However, some birds mate for life and that is it. It really depends on you two.
Hi Stephanie,
My reply is a tad bit unusual, but here it goes. I feel that everyone can enjoy sex in ways that they once couldn’t possibly imagine. An open mind and exposure to different options can be quite liberating. Have a glass of wine or three and look at shemale sex with a girl porn. What might shock you at first can become quite exciting. You would still be having sex with a penis and the stimulation is the same. I once thought of myself as heterosexual but have evolved over the years and you might also, and it could save your marriage. Oral sex is exactly the same, a mouth is a mouth. I honestly feel that everyone who is open minded who exposes themselves to other sexual options will evolve and have more fun, more sex, and more enjoyment. Role playing, anal options, toys, all keep sex more alive and interesting. There are some who only enjoy the missionary position with the lights off. To each his own, just sayin.
Stephanie,
In my experience, sex outside a relationship means a relationship is over.
-Caroline
That would not work in my opinion.
As others have said, if you seek a sexual relationship outside your marriage (you or your husband), then it’s over.
We have the same issue. My wife is not at all interested in having sex due to my “manscaping”, among other things. We (I) am lucky if we have any sort of intimacy more than once a year! Literally, we have had sex twice in the last year and a half. I know much of this is my fault, I don’t blame her and and very afraid she has or would pursue someone else for this.
This has contributed to other issues in our relationship.
Tread carefully, and feel good your husband felt comfortable enough to share this very personal side of himself, with you. That means you are something special to him.
All the Best,
Becka
Hi Stephanie
my wife and I have our usual, doesn’t mean boring lol, sex as husband and wife. My wife is a good sport when I am jill but the two worlds don’t crossover. Jill is responsible for her own pleasure. It seems to work but to be honest I would love it both ways but I have to respect her limits and keep the beauty of our matrimonial love separate. maybe that will change but we have a rule. Jill never goes anywhere new unless we are both comfortable with that. This seems to be working well.
Kisses
jill
An update,
My wife and I had a talk last night. The result;
– I can choose to continue doing what I do, but we will not have any sort of intimate relationship. AT ALL!
– I can choose to leave and find someone who would be willing to be with me, in an intimate relationship and accepting.
or
– I can just stop doing what I do, and return to “normal” and be a “man”.
It’s not easy.
Or the wife can keep working on him. See where the problem lies? Either side can’t change the other. She is who she is, and at least I give her kudos for being open about who she is.
That’s not true, one side can change. Obviously a crossdresser cannot simply shut off his desires, but Stephanie, if you love your husband as much as my wife loves me you can adapt and even thrive in this new dynamic with your husband if you just give it a try. If he’s anything at all like me he’ll be so appreciative that he’ll make it up to you.
It doesn’t work like that, I am afraid. Saying someone needs to change and it obviously can’t be me is quite a funny way of approaching anything. But this is Stephanie’s thread and the way she views her husband now is a valid place to be. We can debate the merits of “you change instead of me” on another thread if you like.
Clearly you misunderstood me, or you’re trying to twist my words. I simply said “Obviously a crossdresser cannot simply shut off his desires” you can’t be trying to argue that, the urge never goes away, only intensifies over time. Conversely there are many women who have managed to gradually modify their thinking after having the talk and gone on to have very happy marriages.
Stephanie, believe me I never would try to invalidate yours or anyone else’s feelings. I hope you find the right answers to your questions. I’m here for you if you need help.
I know how you feel Rebekah, the normal word. My wife is totally unaccepting of me and our sex life is virtually non existent but that’s all my fault because I dress like a woman. Great isn’t it. I told her I’m still the same guy in bed who gave you 4 kids, you liked me then, what’s changed? nothing
frustrating isn’t it?
Rebekka,
I believe it true that option #3 is not possible; which essentially leave you with an ultimatum: a choice between your wife and Dressing. IMO, ultimatums are incompatible with the marriage relationship, so I can only hope your wife will relent enough to provide some flexibility. The policy of DADT, while not very good, has proven to work for many of the girls her on CDH. Right now, your future together appears to hinge on counseling for both of you. I wish you the best of luck with this.
Bettylou
Have a look at this web https://cyndidarnell.com/
Cyndi Darnell
Couple’s Counseling, Sex Therapy & Somatic Counseling & Coaching and works with all genders and recognized all around the world, she has a lot of great advise .
as everyone is different
Hugs Paula
Hi Stephanie, does he dress in front of you? If he does, it seems like this is causing damage to your relationship. Maybe that needs to stop. About whether sexual attraction will ever return? No one knows. That can not be controlled by him or by you neither. It either will or it won’t. But I can tell you that it won’t return by magic. Work needs to be put in by both of you, maybe a bit more by him.
On the matter of sex outside of the marriage: some couples make it work. I don’t know if there is some sort of compromise that can be reached here. It heavily relies on the sort of person he is. If he can find a way to live with it, and both of you work on boundaries and clear communication, I have heard of cases where it can enhance the relationship. It might be worth bringing it to him and seeing what he thinks. You dont need to make any decisions straight away. Give him time and space to think it through. Who knows? It might work.
Good luck.
Hi Steph.
This is the situation most cd’ers try to avoid all there life. We, (men), really know that the majority of women want a man to be a man. Women want the man to be the dominant half in bed. Women want men to do men things. The list is probably endless…including mowing the lawn and taking out the trash!
I think you would be surprised how many men actually have desires to wear womens clothing. I came from a fairly hard background with mates that would have fights with anyone they could fight with. I also had a mate that was as tough as nails, but also gay. Every one of my mates had worn womens clothing…bar 1. We even wore them whilst another mate was in another room with a woman. This was all for sexual reasons…or was it? Did my mates wear these items for sexual purposes or did they get a thrill out of wearing them under the pretence of sex?
Does it really hurt you so much that your hubby cannot don a few items of clothing whilst engaging in sex? Has your hubby suddenly changed his whole persona whilst dressed? He is still who he always was, but his “fetish” has emerged. Just because the majority of women have no urges or fantasies, does that mean that men are not to also? Do you believe having sex with a 3rd party will make you feel better? How do you know if that 3rd party does not also have certain “fetishes”, but does not mention them…yet!
If your hub only wears the items at home in the bedroom for maybe sex purposes, then would that not enhance his passion? The sexual frustration lies in your head alone because you are fixed in a world of “there are men, and there are women”, and nothing else is permitted. Thank God that the younger generation are not as hung-up as the more mature humans are.
If your hub shows no gay tendencies, is happy just doing this at home for maybe sex, and is otherwise his “normal” self…..what is the problem? If, on the other hand, he wants to go out dressed as a female, has gay tendencies, then yes, I can see rocky roads ahead.
I am in no way gay…in any respect, but is it not possible to wear a few bits of clothing because that’s how I get a rush? If a few bits of clothing on your hubbies body is all you ever have to worry about in life, you ain’t doing that bad. Maybe you would prefer him to be an alcoholic? or a drug user? There are plenty of women that put up with that, ……..but let him don some underwear,…and I’m outa here!
Keep things in perspective, he is not a serial killer, give him a break. Why don’t you get a fantasy of your own and tell him he is to do what you want whenever you wish? Is it so hard to get some sexual fantasy of your own in play? Get him to be the 3rd party you seem to contemplate, make him dress as you want. We will all be a long time dead, stop wasting your life thinking things that are not, and start using the time on Earth to have a bit of fun.@Dave Diablo – that got a bit personal did it not – no need to attack someone when they are asking for advice.
We went quite awhile with only a man and woman in the bedroom. One night she decided she wanted Julie in the room and so it was. She was super aroused and totally in control which allowed me to be submisive to her ways. We played this out on several occaisions and it was wonderful for us both until one day she said no more. She wouldnt say why but i think she felt like a lesbian and it scared her.
Hi Stephanie.
It’s a tough situation for sure, so here’s my thoughts.
You have sex several times a week but are not attracted to him, so are you putting his needs for physical release ahead of your own emotional needs? Are you both on the same page? I can’t quite wrap my head around this and I’m sure it’s a lot more complicated than you wrote in your question.
Seeking Sex outside the marriage is a hard no for me and my wife but as others have said some couples are able to separate the physical needs from the emotional needs and that’s okay for them, who am I to judge?
If you both do love each as much as you state and are putting in the hard work to find a compromise, I’d rather the sexual needs be satisfied alone in private with only the imagination (although there’s sure to be grounds for discussion whether imagining sex with another person would be considered cheating?)
Wow! That’s quite a step. I understand to some degree though. I actually found females ‘less’ desirable once I found I could ‘assimilate’ them. Those uncontrollable urges for sexual conquest and pure hormone-driven male ‘need’ THANKFULLY abated! It was an entirely wholesome and welcome revelation and transformative thing for me. I began to spend more time subtly admiring females and learning how to present as such and what behaviour is acceptable. Where I am not currently in a vested relation with anyone, I understand the abhorration you seem to be feeling. In this circumstance, I probably would be open to seeking a kind of satisfaction elsewhere, that being said I’d express my intent fully and clearly with my significant-other before doing anything of the sort.. I truly hope it all works out. x
That would be more unacceptable to me than a partner of mine not being able to accept my fondness of femanine styled clothes. AKA it would be a deal breaker which is actually quite bizzare when you thnk about it as it seems like you want a masculine man and my attitude to you wondering would be a very masculine response (even when the response is that of a woman) which is what you seem to want but would actually tear you both apart.
A’int relationships wonderful?
It would be better for you to put aside your inhibitions and accept a little ‘kink’ in your relationship. Then again, perhaps you yourself are straight laced perfect???
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