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I was messaging my good friend Starfire when this flowed out of me…….
CDH helps me so much. I might not be able to dress but when I log into CDH, I’m Autumn. I don’t see Autumn as an escape. Maybe I can put this into words…. I have a feminine side that went dormant for just about 50 years. Even when I was a child it was almost never allowed to be expressed. But just like a muscle, exercise makes it stronger. Even if I can’t dress, being on CDH makes Autumn stronger. I don’t see it as being him or being her. If I had strong biceps or pectorals from putting in the time to work out they would be bigger and stronger and as always, a part of me. Autumn is no different. It’s not a multiple personality like Jeckll and Hyde. I have said this to someone here before. It’s a facet of my personality. Maybe a grouping of facets. A diamond can be cut into many different shapes and some look completely different when looking at them from a different angle. The diamond doesn’t change when you turn it to view the other side, but you see it differently.
Hugs
Autumn
Autumn,
As a diamond, you a flawless! ⚘
Kay
Very well-said, Autumn – and accurate, also. Being on CDH has done the same for me.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Yes, I’m much the same. I went through a time when I thought of “Amy” as something different, but she really isn’t. It’s like to my children I’m “Dad”, and to others something else. Likewise with my guy persona and my femme persona.
I too like to log in here for a while in the evenings, sometimes I just look at the new pictures, sometimes read the posts, and reply at times. But the point is exactly what you’ve said Autumn, here I’m Amy, no one else!
Amy
Well said, Autumn.
I hear and agree with you, Autumn.
As a habitual thespian, I find that the costume makes me live the character, but, of course, it’s a character that I have assumed and built up through rehearsal.
Laura is a bit different though.
Essentially it’s the same: Clothes are a form of self expression, and give an outward image of the person you’re trying to be. We’re all becoming who we are, or we stagnate and stop growing.
So different outfits become the visible part of our own multi faceted personalities.
I enjoy feeling Laura as separate from male me – even though there’s a core that’s definitely me, I’ve never identified as “boy” or “man”, and have never felt comfortable with the male anatomy.
Yet I’m not a woman, I don’t feel that, although I love women and find the anatomy breathtakingly beautiful. Yet it’s not for me.
The look, however, is very much me.
I can’t stand male clothes of any kind.
It really affects my personality and behaviour – I can say that with confidence after the past two years of more regular, more fulfilling and public dressing.
The act of being dressed and made up, doing ordinary everyday things with others brings out Laura like she’s a different person, and I love that, because I know it’s who I am.
It’s a side of me that feels trapped in male mode, that I am allowing to shine through as subtly as possible.
By treating it as a secret second persona, I realise that I give off the aura of “I Know something you don’t”, which helps others to see me as an expert in what I do.
This isn’t how I feel – it’s more like “I am not worthy, I really don’t know enough to do my job, I’m not sure if I can do this”
With Laura “inside”, I know that I can do things I previously only dreamed of, and if I don’t get it right first time, it’s like water off a duck’s back – I’ll do better next time.
The transformation is amazing, so I am keeping Laura as my other, secret persona, like Dr Jekyll and Sister Hide – except that I am very willing for her to fully take over. Having experienced her after wishing so much that I could do this for decades, I never want to go back. Only forwards.
Love Laura
Your words , as ever paint a beautiful perspective & picture xx
Excellent piece of writing. I think you hit the nail right on the head when you used a diamond as a metaphor. As I’ve said many times myself, two people can look at the same reality and see 2 different pictures, indeed 100 can look and see 100 different pictures.
I need to give all you girls all my deepest thanks. Thanks Laura, thanks Autumn and everyone here on CDH. I should probably going to counseling, but all of us here sharing our thoughts and feelings and fears have got me ready to go for the next step.
At the beginning of this round of CD I needed to see Sandy as a completely different person. Some of the thoughts and feelings going though my head were disgusting and almost frightening. The more I did this CD the more I started to bring Sandy into my male self. Things like before the virus In was giving my male coworkers a hug before work some days ( hugging my female coworkers might seem ‘ crossing the line’). I often cross my legs and tuck them under me in a feminine way.
In short I am bringing my feminine side into my male self and I am becoming happier with myself. The only thing I am missing now is someone I can share this side of myself in person, I need more than this sharing online.
Bless you all here, I love you all Sandy
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Sandy,I can’t tell if you mean you want to share with an SO or other CDs/TGs. Do you belong to any groups locally? Roland is less than 1 hour from Des Moines, perhaps there is a group there? There is some info on oneiowa.org that might lead to local groups. Maybe go under CDH groups and start a local chapter of your own? At least maybe a CDH group for Iowan CDH members?
Hugs
Autumn
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