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Registered On: August 30, 2022Topics: 7Replies: 101Has thanked: 492 timesBeen thanked: 547 timesAbout three months ago I came out to my wife of 35yrs that I was trans. She has interpreted this as crossdressing which is fine:. But the months have been terrible. She has been really bitter, and although there have been odd good days, generally it has been really bad and she is still telling me regularly how it sickens her. Out of the blue, after another bitter exchange yesterday she asked if she could see a picture of me dressed. I’m really unsure: I couldn’t take more venom or derision: but could her fears be worse than the reality? Might it help her (and me)?
Any help or advice most gratefully received!
Thanks! Thea xx
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May as well swing for the fence, make sure its a good pic, make it a special showing, dinner, drinks, tell her you would like to be her best freind, husband, girlfriend.
Good luck!!
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Registered On: December 2, 2021Topics: 4Replies: 484Has thanked: 3127 timesBeen thanked: 2084 timesHi Thea,
Quite a while ago my wife asked to see pictures of Trish. Back then she wasn’t as accepting as she is now. So I asked, “why do you want to see them? Is if curiosity or do you just want to belittle me?” She said “I wanted to belittle you, so I said no”.
Not that long ago I was thinking about that day and thought, maybe I should have shown her the pics of Trish. If she saw how good I looked maybe that would have helped in her acceptance. However she still has never asked to see Trish so maybe I made the right decision. Hope this helps a little bit Thea.
Trish
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- Registered On: November 18, 2019Topics: 1Replies: 285Has thanked: 261 timesBeen thanked: 1058 times
Its a tough call, but since she has asked, I think you should be prepared to share a picture if/when she Asks again. Bear in mind that she has already created a mental image of you in women’s attire, and it probably isn’t a very flattering image.
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My wife says she is very visual and does not want to see me dressed or any pics but I agree that she probably already has a mental image of me and at least having the real best image might not help but could not hurt. But I could be wrong about that, as I have about most things with my spouse and CDing.
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- Registered On: September 17, 2016Topics: 1Replies: 86Has thanked: 70 timesBeen thanked: 324 times
A very difficult and tricky question: my first wife surprised me while I was dressed, yet she did not actually see me ( I was hiding)…after her first reaction and question if I was “gay” or wanted to change sex, she calmed down a little. Yet she knew that when I went on business trips by car I had one extra suitcase…her main preoccupation was it should not be known in the family or son.
With my second wife she had by accident seen a few pictures of “Helene” before we met, so I decided to let all my female wardrobe hang openly. That went well for several years until one day she got really crossed as one CD site where I was member had “published” photos of “me”on Google…a year later she had calmed down, now she has seen “me” on Skype and made comments regarding my wig, etc and even suggested to go with me to buy one. I think that if wife is tolerant and a mutual love, time might heal
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- Registered On: August 30, 2022Topics: 7Replies: 101Has thanked: 492 timesBeen thanked: 547 times
Update!
I am so grateful to all you sisters who have given me so much wise advice, and helpful suggestions and thoughts. I am truly grateful for them all!
So…I decided I would show her some pictures: I chose very carefully, a little collage, all very conservative (but all my pictures are conservative if not old fashioned and stayed!): …..and then she decided she didn’t want to see them!
Now I feel sad: I’d hoped what I was showing wasn’t too frightening! However, they are still there printed out: maybe one day?
For what it’s worth I will post them on my public photo section: see what you think!
Thanks again, and Hugs to you all! Thea
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- Registered On: June 14, 2021Topics: 31Replies: 1794Has thanked: 12840 timesBeen thanked: 8997 times
Great advice as usual from the sisters here. I would suggest you not push anything on her but let her come around to you. Put the pics away until maybe she would want to see in the future. Like many SO’s she will probably bounce back and forth accepting then rejecting so be patient.
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- Registered On: September 29, 2021Topics: 3Replies: 191Has thanked: 218 timesBeen thanked: 941 times
I’m sorry that she changed her mind after you put so much thought into this and no doubt had hopes this would help you move forward.. JOINTLY… At least she will know that you wanted to open up to her and remain more than receptive to discuss the situation. You can talk about where to go from here and deal with the situation better. She will probably vacillate in her feelings; you will likely have future opportunities. the hard part is being patient.
A joint counselor might help if you can locate one who understands crossdressing. The wrong counselor can do more damage. I’d encourage you to vet counselors in your area, then see if your wife would entertain visiting one. She may already be seeing someone, or at least getting advice from friends, which can do more harm than good. Being proactive could save your marriage. Take it from someone who has been there, done that. Well-meaning but ill-informed friends or counselors may be your greatest concern at this stage. A LITTLE knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Is there any chance your wife could be persuaded to chat with other spouses/SOs on this site? Is there a crossdresser support group in your area? If you message me I can perhaps help locate one.
If you PM me I’d be glad to share some resources that might help. I have made it a life mission to try to help other couples face issues I have had to face in my own long marriage.
I can reference some good documentaries. There was a Katy Kourec documentary “Gender Revolution”, that aired many years ago, which I thought excellent. Morgan Freeman did a few revealing research studies on “Through the Wormhole”, exploring issues such as “Are there more than two sexes”, showing how nature deals with things like sex change, and more.
I did a Story Corps interview on the subject for NPR years ago that puts a positive spin on the situation, revealing the many dilemmas and blessings that can come from it. I understand that interview is still cycling on air. I have never heard it but when I speak to classes some students recognize me from my voice after having heard the interview, even though I tried to be careful not to identify myself. The radio station told me at the time that I was the first crossdresser they had interviewed. I have shared this with many in your situation, with a number of success stories. I’d be glad to forward it if you like.
If there are religious concerns, I have material on that issue also. Whatever your situation in that regard, I will be praying for you and hope you keep in touch to let us know how matters progress.
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- Registered On: April 15, 2022Topics: 106Replies: 284Has thanked: 3397 timesBeen thanked: 3334 times
Hi Thea.
First, I’m sorry to hear that this has been difficult for you, but truthfully, not surprised. After 35 years your wife thought she knew everything about you, and then all of a sudden something like this comes out completely out of the blue and surprises her. She’s probably still shocked and trying to take it all in and make sense of it, so her emotions coming out in anger and bitterness may not be that surprising after all. Not that I’m taking her side, I’m just trying to put what you’re dealing with into context that you may not have considered.
Now as to whether you show her a picture of Thea or not, that really depends on a lot of things. You’ve received a lot of great advice from our sisters here on CDH, but one point I didn’t read (or perhaps I missed) is that you may want to ask her first before showing her a picture, is why does she really want to see you? Her response to that may guide you in deciding whether she is beginning to try and understand you and why you have a need to express your feminine personality (which is hopefully the case), or if she is looking for more fuel to add to the fire to burn hotter and get angrier (which is hopefully not the case).
Mixed emotions, thoughts about the strength of your marital relationship, confusion, fear, and more are probably all running through her head right now as she tries to make sense of this all. She thought she knew you, but now she’s probably wondering if you’re gay, if you want a sex change, if you want to live as a woman, if you want to be with a man, and much, much more.
When I came out to my wife, I took a slightly different approach and wrote her an extremely long (25 pages, single-spaced, typewritten) letter that explained my entire history of crossdressing from my earliest years as a child to current time, my own fears and concerns, my own sense of rejection, shame, anger, confusion, how i’ve been hiding this and hated to have to do that, etc. so that she could understand I was just as worried about coming out to her as I knew she would be upon reading what I wrote. I also told her I was not going to leave her, I didn’t want a sex change, and while I’d love to live as a woman, in reality our current situation didn’t allow for it, so that was not in my plans. Giving her my letter didn’t make me coming out to her any easier, but after she read it and then through much tears and crying (on both our parts), we were able to sit down and start having a discussion.
So I hope you are able to navigate your way through this situation with your wife. It’s different for each and every one of us, there is no “right way” to handle this, so you just have to try and move forward and be as open and honest and transparent with her as you can be and then hope for the best.
We’re all here for you. If you’d like to chat further, let me know.
Hugs,
Holly
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Here’s my story
The night I come out to her yes she was surprised no doubt it had to be shocking then lots of questions the first one was do you have any pics !
Lol of course I do so I showed her some pics before you know it I was dressing for her I changed outfits 4or5 times and wigs too that night
It was out!
What a relief honestly she is cool with it I can dress anytime everyday if I want good luck !
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I think its difficult to give advice in this situation, we are all so different. I know exactly how it feels having been in your situation. My wife and I are three years further and we have sort of reached a status quo. Its not optimal (mainly due to my not communicating) but its calmer than back then. I personally wouldn’t show her a photo, not while the atmosphere between you is so toxic. I would definitely be thinking about relationship therapy. It helps to have someone who is totally neutral, someone who can maybe translate what you both want to say to each other but are not capable of doing so. My wife says that the crossdressing is not the thing that hurts her so much anymore, she found the deceit the worst part, we had been together 27 years when I told her. She feels almost like I could have just as well have been having an affair all that time. I can only speak for the work we have done to find a solution to our problems. What ever the future brings, I hope you find a solution where both of you feel good.
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- Registered On: September 29, 2021Topics: 3Replies: 191Has thanked: 218 timesBeen thanked: 941 times
excellent point… the sense of deceit is the tough part, it seems, for a wife. My wife was bitter, feeling like she would not have married a CD had I been up front at outset. The flip side is that I did not know I was a CD until late in the marriage. I did not even imagine that anyone else in the world fought such urges. I knew I had to keep fighting them off, but I felt no need to fully dress; for the most part it was just stashing a bra or two somewhere, and a nightie if traveling. and even then it was occasional and I kept believing it was temporary and would pass. Maybe that was deceitful. I did not say anything because of the embarrassment and lack of need; it would not have occurred to me that it would break the marriage, and I doubt that level of dressing would have come close. I was as surprised as anyone when I first dressed fully and went out in public, to discover sensations I had never imagined possible.
I think the deception, in many cases, has more to do with self-deceit and lack of self-awareness and/or self-acceptance than something thought to impact the spouse in a negative way (a POSITIVE way, yes, in that it seems sensitive and sensible not to create alarm or friction if not thought to be unwarranted). Maybe I am just excusing my deception, but I believe that many like me truly had no intent to deceive or considered the stealth to be of any practical consequence as far as the marriage is concerned and certainly had no intent to trick the spouse into marrying someone she might not have otherwise married. I think the guilt trips imposed are magnified beyond reason, a reflection on the broader issue of discrimination against the LGBT community. Many who have not experienced what it is like to be part of that community nevertheless feel qualified to judge those who, through no choice of their own, are members of it. It is that sense of discrimination, even and most especially self-discrimination and incrimination, of being “lesser than”, that drives many to secrecy. It’s easier, safer, and in most cases smarter to imprison ourselves than to have others do it for us. As the saying goes, “it is better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.”
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My wife actually says that had I came out earlier (which I did but thats a whole story on its own) she would have felt better, I did fully decieve her and everyone around me. I still do, I have children that I feel need to know, but thats a difficult second stage. I basically don’t want to be hidden, that doesnt mean I will broadcast the truth but rather just not hide. I believe that hiding lead to alot of mistrust on both sides, from me to my immediate world and from them to me by having to hide Helene/Phil and the paranoia that that brings. My wife didn’t choose to marry Helene she chose Phil, the fact I assume that Helene and Phil are one and the same person, is in my mind not deception because I am ‘them’. I need to win my wifes trust back, which I am, she needs to feel secure in our marriage, she needs to know that we have the future she thought (and I know) we always had. She needs to know that she isnt in a relationship with two people and that I can’t get lost in the pink haze of my new found freedom. Damn this stuff is really difficult to explain!
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Hello dear,
Went through an almost identical scenario so I decided to turn the the tables…I dressed as well as I was able and asked her to take a picture (making me completely vulnerable of course) and for her to review how I could improve. Was she happy? No, but I was sick and tired of hiding how there’s a part of me that truly appreciates and embraces the ‘softer’ side of trying to be a good provider and wanted at least someone to know there was a side of me that wasn’t always fixated on dirt bikes, blowing stuff up and doing otherwise stoopid guy shit. We’re a lot better off now. Not saying that’s how it will be in your case…just putting that out there as an option. 💖
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- Registered On: September 29, 2021Topics: 3Replies: 191Has thanked: 218 timesBeen thanked: 941 times
I agree with all of the advice offered. Answer what is asked, invite discussion and questions, let her know you want to be open and no secretive with her and sensitive to her feelings, appreciate her desire to know more about you and use this as an opportunity to let her know she is safe asking anything she wants to know about you. Isn’t that what loving relationships are about? But resist the urge to tell her MORE than she wants to know and is ready to hear. The future will offer her the opportunity to learn more as she is ready. Less is best.
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- Registered On: December 18, 2018Topics: 11Replies: 153Has thanked: 765 timesBeen thanked: 960 times
Agree with others here that you should show a photo, but only because she asked. This is a very delicate situation and I suggest you allow her time to process it on her own timetable. I endorse the suggestion above about asking her to consider visiting this site and maybe even joining the women’s forum to gain at least some frame of reference. There are other sites out there as well as several books that focus on explaining and educating and addressing the common questions. For example, the book “My Husband Wears My Clothes” by Peggy Rudd is a really good one, written from the perspective of a wife. Could be helpful if she is ready to try to understand at the very least. I think understanding is the crucial first step toward tolerance and maybe even acceptance (and of course, there’s the holy grail of full participation and celebration). Baby steps, keep communicating, and good luck.
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- Registered On: August 30, 2022Topics: 7Replies: 101Has thanked: 492 timesBeen thanked: 547 times
Thank you Mona for taking the time to reply, and the wise words. To be honest the thing that holds me back from introducing her to CDH, as you and Brianna have suggested, is how important it is to me. Outside of odd mentoring sessions it’s the only place I can be myself and say what I really feel: I know how difficult for her it must be,but I’m still exploring my true self, and I couldn’t bear to lose this. Your other suggestions therefore are really welcome, and I’ll get on to that book at once!
Thanks so much, Thea x
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- Registered On: December 18, 2018Topics: 11Replies: 153Has thanked: 765 timesBeen thanked: 960 times
Thea,
Plenty of alternatives besides CDH. I have a lot of helpful sites bookmarked – below are three of them that I think are really good. Maybe asking your wife to visit one or more of these ( ideally with you by her side to answer questions) is another alternative. And glad to hear you may purchase the book – very helpful. Hugs, Mona
http://chi-chapter.org/perspective.html
https://www.theschooloflife.com/article/the-psychology-of-cross-dressing/
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- Registered On: November 1, 2022Topics: 0Replies: 250Has thanked: 1851 timesBeen thanked: 987 times
Hi, Thea. I would show her a very conservative photo since she asked to see one. Be open and accepting of her feelings . She was not expecting to hear about you being trans so she is in shock and not sure how she feels. Just keep loving her and keep an open dialog. Hope this helps. Hugs, Allysa
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- Registered On: January 28, 2022Topics: 10Replies: 101Has thanked: 226 timesBeen thanked: 489 times
I just came out to my wife. Called me a freak. Filed for divorce yesterday.
There is no absolute correct answer to your question. All people are different and the way they respond will naturally run the gamete as well. Good luck & Hugs TERI
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- Registered On: May 26, 2021Topics: 12Replies: 390Has thanked: 2393 timesBeen thanked: 1739 times
Oh Thea,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but maybe things will smooth out. My best guess is if she asked to see a picture you should honor that request. Just be prepared for anything. My best wishes to you my dear.
💖Lola
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- Registered On: December 30, 2021Topics: 6Replies: 95Has thanked: 141 timesBeen thanked: 421 times
I say that since she has asked, then yes. Absolutely show her a picture or pictures. Then ask for her opinion and advice on how to make your appearance better. My wife helps me all the time, critiquing my make up, clothing choices and mannerisms. We do a lot of shopping on line together. She says that Karla is her new best friend.
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Hi Thea i can’t really comment on this issue as I’m still in the closet to my wife, all i can say is will it help or hinder you relationship with your wife, the way things are with your wife at the moment is she is blowing hot and cold with you over your need to dress up, I think you should ask her if you show her a picture of you in Fem mode what would her reaction would be,
Hugs Rozalyn X 🎀
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I’d say absolutely show her a picture. Or a few. It is altogether likely that the secrecy you kept for many years bothers her as much, if not more, than the crossdressing itself. Your new honesty and openness regarding your dressing might go far in smoothing the path for the future. As others have said the image in her mind might be far worse than the reality, and if you are upfront from this point forward it could only help in my estimation. And if, sadly,it is a deal breaker for her you will at least know and can proceed from there.
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- Registered On: August 1, 2020Topics: 9Replies: 1406Has thanked: 5124 timesBeen thanked: 6445 times
Obviously this has been a shock to her and we can only imagine what she has going through her mind. 35 years of knowing someone to be told that you are trans, imagine how you would feel.
Based on your text, if she has asked for a photo then I would oblige , and ensure you get it back as you do not know what the motive is at this stage as her attitude thus far is quite negative. I would agree that it should be a conservative image and see where it goes from there.
From my own experience I was asked to show a photo and it was me as a normal women would appear. The reply after seeing it was that she’d imagined it would be ,like a drag artist, and not the image of normality. This approach by showing a picture to those I came out to had a positive outcome. The pictures helped people to understand and things progressed well. However every situation is different. I hope it has that effect for you if that is what you decide.
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- Registered On: September 13, 2019Topics: 5Replies: 491Has thanked: 0 timesBeen thanked: 1873 times
If she has asked, then I would say yes, but make it a very conservative picture. Use it to help create a dialog. Communication is key to any marriage, but especially one having issues. Things unsaid only lead to a rampant imagination that is likely to go places it shouldn’t. Counseling seems like it may help.
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Yes, but show her this site too, alot of accepting SOs , tell her you want to be her best friend without the male aspect, my wife and i have conversations that she said would never bring up with male me, Brianna is so much more u derstanding, make it a positive for her
Good luck
Brianna
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- Registered On: August 8, 2022Topics: 11Replies: 151Has thanked: 163 timesBeen thanked: 694 times
Hiya, Thea: this is one of the most difficult questions you could ever ask. Overall, I’d say that if your lady has asked for a photo, then that’s what you should do: I agree with Angela and JJ that you should make it a very conservative, ladylike picture, but on the other hand, make it as feminine as possible! You need to show her that you’re serious and that you are a proper lady; a longer skirt and maybe some mid-height heels? Also, how are you with doing your makeup? If you’re at all uncertain, maybe it would be better to not wear any – I don’t think that looking like a drag queen would be the best idea (yes – I’m totally hopeless myself and can’t make myself look anything other than ridiculous.) I think that a few tasteful pictures may help make things more comfortable for you both – and I sincerely hope that I’m right about that. Love you: Holly XXX
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