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I’ve been to counselling a few time and it helped me accept myself which is the first step to coming out to others I found. I’ve seen 3 different ones and they all say the samething. It’s in you and learning to accept this can be hard at times. They all told me to dress more often and tell as many people as I’m comfortable with. But at no point did they ever talk about stopping crossdressing as it will make you miserable and depressed.
My advice to both of you go and talk to a therapist. I’m wasn’t happy at all hiding my crossdressing for many years. After divorce I was finally able to come out and dress more often. Im dealing withal a similar situation with one of my daughters right now. Im thinking about going to talk to a psychologist.
I’ve been in gender therapy for years. My therapist is awesome and has been a great help. I wouldn’t be where I am without her.
It’s important to understand your girlfriend wants you in therapy for the wrong reason. There’s no cure for crossdressing. But there are plenty of quack therapists that will try. I know first hand. They do more harm than good. Do your research if you’re going to go. Your local LGBTQ support organization can help you find a good one.
/EA
Chloe, the short answer is yes. As others have already said therapy can go a long way to help you explain where you are with the CD and where you want to go, which will likely change over the years. If you want to stay with your girlfriend couples counseling would be best so she can understand who and where you are with all this. Bad news is if you are talked into giving up CD months or years down the road the pink fog will decend where you will need to go back. I have read so many people here, that’s how in its them sometimes out of the blue.
. Cassie
Therapy is a process of change. After reading your profile, it doesn’t sound as though you believe you have a problem. If you are ok with who and what you are, don’t throw your money away. You’ve made no life-long commitment to your GF, so explain the situation and if she can’t accept you as you are, well, better to know now.
It gives u a chance to think out loud. Its worth it in my opinion if u take it seriously and honestly.
Chloe –
I’ve been in therapy for a few years and find it to be very useful. I started going at the suggestion of my wife shortly after coming out to her. She didn’t suggest it to get me to stop but to help me understand more about myself. I have found it to be very good for me and have discussed things other than my dressing. Two things I think are very important are 1- finding the right therapist and 2 (most importantly) being honest with yourself. If your therapist is good they won’t care what you say and will guide you to help you express yourself. Another important thing about therapy is that you do it for yourself not for someone else. Personally I find it to be very freeing in that I can talk about things I’ve never talked with anyone else about. Whatever decision you make I wish you the best.
XOXO
SuzanneYour significant other suggesting you see a therapist indicates that she thinks that there is something wrong with your cross dressing and that she is not entirely onboard with your cross dressing. You talking to a therapist could help you address the issues that have arisen since your significant other discovered that you are a cross-dresser. Perhaps the therapist might be able to recommend a couples therapist from which you both might benefit given your cross dressing is now a couples issue.
My counsellor helped me hugely, but it took me three attempts to find the right one.
The first was a counsellor woring out of my CP’s surgery. Newly qualified, and was useless.
The second had never met a crossdresser before. Most of our sessions were mainly me training her about crossdressing. She asked to see me dressed, so the day I turned up dressed I walked into her office and she openly laughed at me. That was the last time I saw her.
The third was amazing. She is a transwoman, but sports a full beard.
I wasn’t seeing a counsellor because I was a CD, there was a much bigger issue, but my crossdressing was always on the agenda. The first two only wanted to talk about my crossdressing. The third got me sorted with my major issue first, with only the occasional dip into my crossdressing. As my major issue became resolved we slowly shifted to my crossdressing. A lot of this talk was about my wife, howe she felt and what could I do to make things better.. She was brilliant.
There is no cure for crossdressing. You are what you are. All you can do is compromise. Talk with your partner. Find a counsellor that understands. Find one that will consider your partner. Find one that won’t laugh at you when they see you dressed as a girl!Cerys,
Another potential advantage of therapy is learning how to deal with your SOs reaction, be it this GF or a future one. As said, you will not be cured, but will learn to deal with your dressing (not that you need to learn, you maybe comfortable already.) Getting into couple therapy will help your GF learn about dressing, and that is is common, and not a disease, and learn to deal with her own emotions and reactions to it.
Talking to a therapist is not a bad thing, BUT!!!
your girlfriend has the reaction everyone does which is, “there must be something wrong with you!”
There is not!!! This is part of who you are. The reasons may vary, MAY vary but I firmly believe it is just in our dna. You are who you are.
Maybe she (and others) need to see therapists. There is something wrong with people who just cannot be accepting of others.
Yeah, if you are having trouble accepting yourself, go to a therapist. If you love yourself and this aspect of you, then the problem is her, not you. You could try couples therapy, to try to get her and you more open and communicating better. But you don’t need fixing for liking to express your feminine side.
Be yourself. Dress however makes you happy.
Nancy
Dear Chloe,
Not really a direct answer to your question, but wanted to add my two cents:
I do not agree with some of the advice implying there is something wrong with her for not accepting this part of you. Let’s consider that your dressing might be secondary to her shock and sense of betrayal that you have hidden this from her for so long. That in itself takes time for most SOs to process, with questions like “Do I really know this person?” “Can I ever trust him again?” “What else is he hiding.”
Over time here at CDH, I think it can become easy to rationalize/normalize our dressing. We forget that our partners do not have the same frame of reference. Like all social media, I think it’s fair to say that CDH can be something of an echo chamber, which over time may reinforce an “us versus them” mentality.
And if it’s really an essential part of who we are, why do we feel such a strong need to hide it from our SOs (e.g., “I finally got caught”).
I think SOs that suddenly discover our dressing after many years together (as yours and many others have) deserve understanding and time/space to process this new information, on their own time. I don’t know that rushing into individual or couples therapy is always the right thing to do (alth0ugh it certainly might be for some, either sooner or later).
My suggestion is to see if she’s willing to learn more about this behavior and how other SOs have learned to live with it, perhaps even accepting it as their understanding grows.
Some sources of good information that you might suggest to her, either before or during any therapy:
- The SOs forum right here at CDH
- “My Husband Wears My Clothes” by Peggy Rudd
- “Living with Crossdressing: Defining a New Normal” by Savannah Hauk
- “Living with Crossdressing: Discovering your True Identity” by Savannah Hauk
Savannah Hauk also have numerous videos, podcasts and an excellent TED talk.
I’ll stop here – don’t want to overwhelm you (probably already have). Take it for what it’s worth, but I do hope you and your SO can find a way forward together, and I wish you all the best in your journey.
This stuff is not easy!!
Mona
Absolutely, but probably not for the reason your girlfriend thinks. A psychiatrist or psychologist (at least any of the vast majority) have long since stopped looking at cross dressing as a mental disorder.
What they will probably do is ask you how you feel about cross dressing. They will want to know if anything about cross dressing causes you distress and work with you to try to alleviate the distress. Normally, this would mean learning to accept that it is part of you, just like being left or right handed.
Then, of course, they will work with you on dealing with the relationship consequences. They may suggest strategies or compromises to help deal with your girlfriend’s issues. They may even suggest some joint counseling aimed at resolving conflicts.
Behavioral health services are nothing to be afraid of. They are almost all caring and helping people, and always will be highly professional and carefully confidential.
Yes I have benefited from talking to a therapist! I recommend to anyone that doesn’t understand exactly what they are into and who they are!!!!!
I found out that I wasn’t what I thought I was and learned to accept who I really am! It never hurts to speak with the pro’s. If your are in doubt then go!so a few thoughts…
Don’t lose sight that you have been dealing with this for many many years. Your girlfriend not so much so cut her some slack in her reaction.
She must care for you as she just didn’t run away
A balanced therapist I think will be very helpful to you. She helped me understand myself but gave me insights into how my spouse would be feeling. You want one that will give you that plus help you figure out how to navigate your relationship. If the person doesn’t have that perspective and says your girlfriend should just accept you..I would not stick with that person but that’s my opinion. With all relationships there is a degree of compromise. Being respective of how you better half feels about you is not giving up anything.
Best wishes
carole
Hi Chloe,
Great topic and thanks for being brave to ask for advice. So she wants “you” to see a shrink. From my experience with this kind of request, which my ex wife demanded I do when I was caught, is suggesting that only you has the issue. Of course I don’t know you well or your S.O to understand your dynamics, but had I gone to therapy when we we’re married she would eventually have to go too, and she would have found issues with her that she still refuses to work on today. We did eventually start to try therapy after 17 years marriage, but in the end I continued with therapy and self work on my own.
The Benefits:
It has completely changed my outlook on my life, bettered my relationships, helped me to be empathetic, and helped me to love myself and be accepting that I am a cross-dresser and not some shameful outcast. I am now comfortable in telling my kids, some of my family and my closest friends, which turns out absolutely had no issues with it. Not even teasing me about it. Without therapy and other self work programs I’ve done, I’d probably be still thinking of how shameful and guilty I am to have this urge to dress in women’s clothing. My wife called it an addiction and in the first year of therapy, I treated it like an addiction. Now I’ve come to realize its not an addiction and I’m more secure with my lifestyle than ever before. Side note I could understand your relenting to do therapy. I was at first, like a kid screaming and kicking on first day of school lol. But now its been like exercising, it’s an addiction to want to do work on myself. To look at other issues in my life and work on them.
If you would be open to feedback, I would encourage you to look at therapy, if cost is not an issue. Now to be empathetic to your S.O, one way to look at it is that when you guys first got together she did not sign up for your cross-dressing as you kept that from her which is a little unfair. It was unfair for me to hid my cross-dressing from my ex when we got together. But you never know until you try therapy, that this might be the best thing for you two to go through and she might start to understand which will allow you to be your true authentic self that she would love :).First let me say that I’ve never been to a therapist. Never felt the need for one.
But, I know many here have got to a therapist and that it has helped them greatly. I would think that since your GF wants you to do it, then if there is a real future in that relationship you would go for it. I’d also suggest you do it as a couple since both parties are the ones that have to live with the reality.
Honestly I would recommend everybody talk to a therapist at least once… I think we all have things we deal with that we keep secret from everybody else, and they are a great outlet to help us through those times. I was already in couples counseling (because of my past infidelity) when I came clean to my partner about my crossdressing.. she was worried I had gender dysphoria so she wanted to talk about it with our therapist, and after that session she just fully accepted this side of me because she understood it a lot more. Not to mention, our therapist didn’t even blink when she found out haha she says crossdressing is so much more common than people even realize
Chloe:
The short answer is “Yes”.
Many have benefitted from talking with a therapist. There is a lot that we don’t understand regarding the concept of Gender on a personal level. Working with a therapist can help to get some clarity about it. Also, it can be very difficult to think about these things on our own as it is often surrounded by fear, guilt and shame.
Chloe
I started to seeing a Therapist a few months after I started dressing again after my last “purge”. For me i wanted to try and understand why I like to dress and why I can’t seem to stay away from it despite all of the social norms that it goes against.
Although, I have not found the answers that I seek, it has given me confront and confidence in dressing.
I am not out to my wife, but I so want to tell her. I am hoping to find a way and maybe my Therapist can help me. I just don’t know.BUT, to answer your question… YES!
What will it hurt? You will be surprised how much you might enjoy it.
It is really nice to talk to someone who doesn’t judge you.If you would like to talk more, please send me a private message and I will be happy to answer any question I can.
Hugs-
SamanthaI saw a therapist for quite a long time. I went to get fixed and left thinking I am and was doing nothing wrong. She helped me tremendously. Not the result I thought I wanted when I first went to see her. One of the best things I did.
Yes, a few times and have found it helpful. First experience was from a work related (non crossdressing incident, long ago) that helped immensely. The second time was when my wife found some pics of me dressed. I am a late bloomer at crossdressing, but have always had a fem side that the wife has accepted. When she saw the pics she “freaked” out, she had never seen me in a dress before.
Very long story but we both consented to counseling and saw a therapist. After about 10 – 15 sessions things called down, the wife realized that I was not gay and I did not want to become a woman, and enjoy being a guy, and her husband, most all the time. The therapist said that the way I am (we are) is not going to change and we needed to live/deal with it, come up with rules and compromise, which we have done.
Was it perfect? NO, but it kept us together. I still have my fem side and occasionally crossdress, with limits. I love my wife and appreciate her understanding and limits acceptance.
In the past 3 years since the “incident,” I have been thinking again about seeing a therapist to explore further why I am the way I am. What the heck, all the “rich and famous” have therapists, why not me? I think it may be fun further exploring what I do this CD thing.
If you are conflicted about therapy, I would say give it a try, why not??
Have fun…. Staci…
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