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I am the wife of a crossdresser. My husband burned all of his clothes and went into therapy one year ago, he claims it is in the past, and will never have a desire to do it again. However this whole year he has been mean and nasty to me. I’ve seen this before when her purges, but he won’t admit it. One the one year anniversary of his quiting he burned all of the dresses and skirts on my side of the closet because he felt they insulted him. My question is: Is his moodiness a side effect of his purge? And is he really “over ” it for good?
Hi Brynn,
This is only my opinion from my experience. It would seem to me the moodiness is his reaction to repressing his femme side, and he probably deep down inside either blames you for it or is jealous of you in some way, hence the burning of your clothes. I think the point is, he has a femme side, he probably always has and undoubtedly always will. Trying to repress it is not really the answer, he has to accept who and what he is. It took me many years to come to terms with who and what I am, after trying to hide it away for most of my life, in the end accepting my whole self, both male and female parts have led me to an understanding of myself I never thought was possible. You say he has purged before, this shows to me he is trying to convince himself he is not a crossdresser, it will not work no matter how often he purges, I know, I’ve been there. My journey to acceptance was to first accept I was a crossdresser, this led me to accept that I was a transvestite (a word I could not use about myself) and then to realise I am to a certain extent trans gender, I’m still on my journey so I don’t know where it will end. So my advice to you, for what it’s worth, is to somehow get him to begin to accept who and what he is. He may never crossdress again, although I suspect he will, but either way he needs to accept himself as the person he is, because he will never get away from it.
I wish you well, PM me if you want to talk.
Andrea
Hi Brynn, his purge, his moodiness and the burning of your clothes are all symptoms of his suppressing a significant portion of his sense of identity and possibly his inherent gender identity.
I don’t believe that he has been ‘over it’ for a second but I suspect that he is severely clinically depressed.
Take note that I have absolutely no formal medical or psychiatric qualificationsHe is probably unaware of the cause of his internal conflict and believes that what he is doing is the best way to save his relationship with you.
He needs urgent support to prevent this self destructive behavior becoming even worse and his current therapist is not providing the type of help that he needs.One of our USA moderators will provide you with a list of some other appropriate support organizations both federal and in your state.
Feel free to contact me at any time if I can be of further assistance.
Hugs
SherylNever purge. Store and keep the clothes. I dressed a lot in my college years. Then after school I gradually stopped. I was building a life and things were good. We bought a small house, then bought a larger house when the kids came. I donated or discarded most of my clothes.
The kids grew up and went out on their own. It was like we were back where we started. My wife suggested I start dressing again. I tried on some old clothes. They didn’t fit. They were also incredibly sexy. I can’t believe I wore them. We went out and got some new clothes. I began dressing around the house again. I went out a few times. Then I found Femme Fever and began going to their events.
I didn’t dress for over 20 years. Now I’m doing it everyday. It’s fun. It relaxes and de stresses me. I don’t do drugs or drink alcohol. Cross dressing is my guilty pleasure and I love it.
Your husband didn’t need to burn his clothes. Just keep them around for when he needed to relax, de stress and unwind. I know it sounds kooky on some levels but I so understand it.
I think you miss read the post Patty Phose, He didn’t burnHIS clothes after his 1 year anniversary, he burned HER clothes! This means their still is a serious problem that needs to be dealt with one way or another and soon! Get him the right help, encourage him to start dressing again, or leave him! I too am wondering why he stopped in the 1st place.
I’ heard this purge and replace story so many times. I always suggest you just take the clothes. put them in a bin and store them somewhere. Out of sight out of mind. Then if there ever is a time you have a desire to dress again you have them. I thought burning the clothes was a severe and unnecessary way to be rid of them.
Reading you comment though Michelle, I read Brynn’s post again. It seems you are right. He didn’t burn his own clothes, he burned Brynn’s. That’s a new one on me.
Hi Brynn,
Lovely name by the way. I see two questions so I will comment on both. I am not a mental health professional nor a counselor. Before I answer the questions I agree that he is not seeing the correct counselor for a gender issue. If the counselor has not had training nor exposure to the various dimensions of gender dysphoria I believe the counseling could be detrimental to his mental health. Just my opinion mind you. Was this his choice or did some event trigger this fear or need to close off his feminine self?
The first question; “Is his moodiness a side effect of his purge” My past experiences and best guess is -Yes it is. He devoted a lot of time and effort to create his wardrobe and look. No matter how large or small his wardrobe was it was his and very personal and private. The feminine side of us is never blocked off or repressed forever. It is a part of who we are and without our feminine self we can become depressed, a recluse, or as you have seen angry with the world! It is not fair to put that part of him away and not have some side effect as you so appropriately put it.
The second question; “Is he over it for good” Short answer? No! Everyone has two aspects to their psyche. Masculine and feminine, testosterone and estrogen. We all have these hormones to certain degrees from conception. Think of X and Y chromosomes and then the determination of male or female in the womb. Before the chromosome that determines your gender is added we are both and neither. Bam, the chromosome is added and we have our gender. What’s to say that the hormones are not in the normally expected balance (I am theorizing here as I am not a biologist but have read a lot and this makes sense to me) and he has more testosterone than estrogen but less testosterone than the normal male. So as he moves along in life he begins to have an urge and cannot understand why. None of really understood or understand why and even now the answer is very ambiguous to most of us. So unless he gets the appropriate counseling by someone who actually has training or knowledge of gender dysphoria he may swing back and forth in his moods and possibly become worse.
I tried for 30 years to repress my feminine side and just recently have started to embrace Danielle with an accepting wife. This is not something that just goes away with counseling even if it was just a fetish there is nothing to be done that will make this go away. Please get him into the correct counseling! He needs to be his whole self, male and female or he could self destruct. I apologize for the length but this is a very personal subject for me as I have seriously been considering counseling along side of my wife. She sought counseling at my behest and she is in a much better place with my feminine side 😊. She was accepting before the counseling but has become more supportive now. This is not a phase it is part of our self, part of our whole. Thanks for reading and I do hope this rambling helps along with the other comments. TTFN💋👠
Danielle
Hi Brynn….I agree with the girls and their thoughts. Hubby needs help NOW. It would appear that he is severley resenting you and it will result in violence towards you – bad scene. Genetics and psychology are a big part of certain re-actions to cross dressing. It is very involved and I have been doing research on just that. It is too involved for me to go into over the forum site. If you wish…let me know via return and I can better explain this on the private site line or I can give you my e-mail and go that route. It does seem that the disposal of his femme gear is really an issue with him. I fear for your safety and relationship here.
Dame Veronica.
He isnt over it. If anything this will drive him to want to do it more.
He really needs to get some professional help. Purging isnt the best way to stop.
Hi ladies,
I am seeing a double burn here. First his clothes to stop and on the 1 year anniversary of burning his clothes he burned some of hers. Quite an escalation over the 1 year since he burned his clothes. Seems like he is very angry about stopping his dressing up. I do wonder what the trigger was for him to stop in the first place.
Hi again Brynn,
If my reading of your story is correct then he really needs to see someone who knows about gender issues. Someone who he can trust this seems to be spiraling. Just my observations.
Danielle.
Hi, I’m am SO too, my reading of this would be that he feels resentment towards you, as though it’s your fault, which it clearly isn’t. There is a lot of emotional turmoil going on in him I think and I would say he is not over it, nor will he ever be. I dont know what triggered the burning of the clothes and therapy, maybe he is finding it hard to acknowledge himself. But that is his own battle and until he is ready to face it rationally he should not be taking it out on you. I hope he can get this under control, I really do. Perhaps if you can find a safe time or place to talk with him and explain how this is making you feel, he might realise he is letting his emotions get out of hand and is damaging your relationship. Not knowing what type of therapy he is in, could you go together?
sarah xxx
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