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I found out my husband had been dressing 3 years ago. We have been trying to work all of this into our marriage and understand one another.
I found out he has been on trans dating sites but said he would never get with anyone else. I’m very hurt and confused.
He said he doesn’t feel like him when he looks I the mirror so I’m guessing he feels like a woman hence his transgender stuff he is looking at.
I dont know where to go and I dont think he really knows. He says he doesn’t want to leave me but I’m scared if we stay together his urges will just be to strong.
I’m not sure if this is the right group to post I. I have been absent from here for a couple of years
I’m sorry, Shelly, that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine what it must be like. With that said, I can only suggest counseling for your husband, specifically, one who specializes issues of this nature. You may also have to get couples counseling. I pray you both can come to a healthy outcome very quickly.
Hugs, Jill
more couples than you imagine run into this type of thing (whether it’s the male or female) Most of us work it out– My late wife Chose to have FUN with it–I became “The Maid”–as a female, I became a softer gentler person- .More “Helpful ” around the house-Lost the urge to drink or hang out with my Buddies- became way more sensitive to Her feelings (according to her)– (I had Thought I was sensitive to her feelings all along)- When we went out as Girlfriends (often out of town) I no longer became Impatient while shopping with her while she bought clothes ect ect–I actually took an interest- Also-I was better with the kids– Her friends (for the most part accepted Fem Me– Gave me clothes/Earrings ect ect– I guess that like anything–it can be a Good or Bad thing depending on how one looks at it-
Shelly,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation.
My wife does not know about Raquel. I suppose she will find out one day, I just can’t bring myself to tell her. If it brings the end of our marriage, that would be her decision.
We’re all humans. Even some of us most devoted to our spouses can’t control our minds from occasionally thinking “What if …?” when confronted with the the idea of what it might be like to be with someone else (male or female). Some are able to easily push those thoughts aside. Some, even before the thoughts are able to reach consciousness.
What we should have control over, is our actions. I would never act on any urges, be it with another woman or a man.
The fact that, if I have not misunderstood your response to Camatha, your husband has already strayed beyond the bonds of your marriage is the concern, regardless of his crossdressing. It’s irrelevant whether he was acting upon his need to feel like a woman. It’s no different than a hetero male asking his wife for permission to sleep with other women.
Indeed, being a crossdresser with strong feelings of transgenderism presents its own challenges. It’s how we face and overcome those challenges that matters.
I wish you the best. You seem to have a tough choice to make.
Much love,
Raquel
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He’s not going to change so if he doesn’t want to go to couples counseling and you don’t feel you can trust him then drop him and move on as soon as possible. He will find his way and you can find someone who cares for only you. Both of you will be happier in the long run.
As a CD husband who can’t possibly come out to my wife, I appreciate your position. From personal experience, the fantasies of being with someone else can be very strong, but the reality of following thru brings a person back down to earth. The level of horniness plays into that and once that sexual release is realized, the urge goes with it. The fact that he’s had experience and has voiced that he wants to experience that again is a problem. The fact that he’s talking to you about it is a catch 22. You want him to be honest with you, if nothing else for your own safety, but you don’t want to come across as being permissive or enabling.
I think a serious talk is called for. He needs to open up and be honest with you and himself about what he wants so that you can make decisions for yourself. If you can come to an agreement about what is allowable and what lines should not be crossed (despite urges or fantasies) for the marriage to continue, then you have information and know your options.
I hope this helps.
Heather
Transgender or cross dressing is beside the point. He had sexual relations outside of the marriage. Dump him now. And get a good lawyer.
Eileen
Hi Shelly, so sorry you are having such a tough time with all this. I take it your spouse kept this from you for some period. I hid my feminine side from my wife for 40 years and came out to her last summer. I also complicated it by realizing shortly after coming out that I am not just a cross dresser, I’m transgender. I am in a small minority on this site; the vast majority of members on this site do not want to start hormones or live as a woman.
That being said, there are a lot of people who may want more, but either are confused about what they really want, can’t find the words, or can’t bear the thought of hurting their spouse. That is where I was for so many years. I did not seriously consider transitioning until last year, but since I was a small child I wished I could be a girl. I only tell you all this so that you can have a little insight from the other side. If you haven’t yet, I urge you to both seek out an experienced therapist who works with cross dressing and transgender relationships. They are legally and ethically required to do what they can to save the marriage when you are a couple client. You and your spouse will have a lot of intense and sometimes brutal conversations. You both have to be completely honest if you hope to keep the relationship.
It may be some common ground or compromise can be found, but from what you say, it appears your spouse wants to explore their feminine side more and more. It doesn’t mean they want an experience outside your relationship or transition with hormones or surgeries, but they may need more from their feminine side than they even realize. Please feel free to private msg me if you want to chat further, either of you. I hope you can both find what works for each of you.
Hugs,
Brie
Hi Shelly, this is a very difficult situation, and I appreciate how you must feel. The first thing to do as I see it is to decide what you want and need, you have allowed your partner to continue crossdressing, which takes a lot, I know I admire you for that. There will be an answer to this but it won’t be easy or quick, this sort of thing can take a long time to deal with. But there will have to be give and take on both sides. That is not saying you have to do all the giving. As I said earlier you need to work out what you feel is acceptable and what is not, then see if you can both work something out. If he insists on transsexual encounters then you will have to consider parting from him. You obviously love him, so you need to find a way if possible, but I would say encounters with others, irrespective of them being male or female is a step too far, but it is your call…………
If you want to talk about anything, or ask me any questions don’t hesitate to PM me, I ham happy to discuss anything and help you in any way I can…………. xx
Hi Shelly,
I’m so sorry to hear you are experiencing a break in trust in your relationship. Truly. Sounds like you have been working on the relationship and including all aspects of your partner for the last 3 years and trying to understand each other. I can only imagine how much more that must make this hurt. 🙁The dating site. Is it about “being seen” or is it about “feeling desired” have they said? Also, I’m confused a bit. Has your partner acted on these sites…been with someone while married to you? Or even video interactions while married to you? I ask because that is clearly, clearly cheating unless you two are in an open relationship, but I am assuming it is monogamous.
If that is not the case and your partner just wants to feel seen and validated, I think you guys might want to revisit the boundaries of your relationship. I think counselling would help with this immensely. I know that I however would truly struggle with trust after this breach of it, I am not trying to make light of the actions at all. BUT there are ways to build a relationship even after trust has been broken.
Please know that we are here for you if you need to vent, want advice, are looking for insight from someone whose been in a similar situation. There are so many supportive ladies here and judgment free too! I’m grateful you have this place to come to right now. Also, there is the SO group too, for us significant others. I myself am back here after a nearly 5-year absence. My partner use to CD and was gender fluid but now has much stronger trans leaning feelings and started taking female supplements without telling me. So, while not the same if you ever need to talk, I am here for you. Hugs, Ang
I can’t speak for your husband but I went on a popular dating site. E harmony just to see if I garnered any attention. I never responded to any messages and felt quite embarrased about it. But I received so much more interest than I ever did as a single male. And liked it. That said I would never ever have led someone on or met anyone. Maybe that is how he feels. If I were a GG there were some hansome men with nice bios. that were interested. I was only on a week and felt bad about my decision but at the same time liked the attention. Maybe that is what he is doing ?
Is it possible to see a counselor, preferably both of you, but only you if need be? You have to take care of you. It may come down to choosing the best of a bunch of bad choices.
Zenn
Hi Shelly,
Thanks so much for posting, it cuts very close to home for me. I told my wife that I was a crossdresser before we were married (47 years ago) because I couldn’t go into a marriage hiding this secret.
My wife was and actually still is totally confused when it comes to her husband wanting to dress like a girl. I’ve told her many times it is not a want it is a need. I told her there are 2 people in my body and always has been. One of them is your husband and the other is Trish and she needs to express herself just as your husband does. She doesn’t understand me referring to my friends on CDH as girls but that is indeed what we are sometimes.
I have fantasized about transitioning but that’s all it is. There are too many guy things that I like doing with my wife and with my boys and I think your husband visiting a Transgender site is just curiosity as well as a bit of fantasizing.
I have proposed to my wife that she join the group on CDH that is for the spouses of Cross dressers for the same reason I joined and that is to talk to people with the same desires as myself and people who understand. I think her talking with other wives will help her understand as well as bringing us closer together as husband and wife. We really have nothing to lose and a whole bunch to gain.
Shelly, you did come to the right place, I have no doubt. I wish you and your husband good luck in solving these issues I know you both have at this time and my prayers are with you that you both can work through them and end up in a much better place emotionally. What’s important is you love each other and you are looking for help in understanding him and you have all available help you want from the girls here at CDH.
My love to you both,
Trish
Sounds like me too. The sexual part of all this brings out many fantasies, but living them out is bigger step than the dressing. Just like with aids, monkey pox scares most people from acting them out. Not passing any judgement. Same as phones and cameras everywhere. When youmger could dress and go discreetly around not being caught.
Luvs Ginger
Hi and you are brave for taking this on and not just walking (or running) away from it. It shows your level of commitment.
Get counseling. Look for someone who specializes in this sort of dilemma and most of all, prepare yourself for any eventuality. Most importantly, none of this means there is anything “wrong” with you, or your partner. We are who we are.
– If your partner has been looking on trans dating sights, they are doing so for a reason. They are curious and will at some point give into the urge to experiment, if they have not already.
– Your partner may (if they have not already) just say “ok, I won’t do this anymore” and purge all of their belongings. This is temporary.
– There will be an (unknown) trigger that will bring them back to doing this again. It is in our biological makeup and there is no changing that. (Unless one transitions).
– Prepare yourself for ANY eventuality. They may decide they cannot control these urges and do this more and more til it becomes all consuming. You may not be part of that outcome and your partner may decide they don’t want you to be.
– I don’t mean to speak harshly but again you may be in a situation where you have to (and should) take your own best interests as your top priority. You are who you are too. You can’t change that either.There may be many hard choices. This is not easy for anyone, for anyone to try to explain or accept. Just remember it is not “you” causing this to occur, nor is it your partner.
I hope this helps you in someway.
Love and Luck,
Becka-
Hi Shelly. I can relate to part of what you’re husband is going through and may be able to make you feel better. I have been know to visit websites that would seriously concern my wife if she found out. But, I can say with almost complete certainty, I would never follow through, it’s just a harmless escape for me. I’m completely closeted and that sometimes gives me the outlet to keep the Jennie in the bottle. Anyway, for what it’s worth. It does sound like his struggle is a little deeper.
Shelly—My late wife decided right off the bat to just have fun with Jane–Plus take some pressure off herself–I became the maid–housecleaning ect–did laundry -Dressed as a maid I would serve her & her friends when they visited–She enjoyed shopping with Jane-Jane took interest in shopping for clothes ect–It didn’t happen all at once it was over some time -Remember–Good thing can come from Lemons-
I am sorry Shelly and while many of us here try to understand your concerns and feelings we do not as the other half however the fact that we try and have empathy is very important. I feel you both need more communication as many here fluctuate with our own understanding and desires, professional help of an one who is understanding and can facilitate your communication as a couple would be very helpful and if the person can help both of you and your husband great. If not maybe he needs someone only for these issues to help him try to understand himself more. Many times I do believe these are cries to express more of the feminine side in one way or another. Hopefully you two can find some stability and reassurance in your journey of communication and intimacy together. Also if you find a therapist for him and or you or the both of you make sure they work to the root and understanding of the issues that they are neutral and not leaning one way or the other. Best of luck and understanding to both of you!
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