• This topic has 16 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Leah.
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    • #210025
      Anonymous

      Hello ladies I need some advice. My fiance came out to me about his CD in October of last year. I have been very accepting and open about it. I’ve bought him panties and lingerie. We’ve even gotten toys for him. Apparently I’m one of the spouses that you ladies talk about having becuase he never thought I would be able to accept him for who he is and thought i would end our 8 year relationship. I have assured him that I love him and am in this for the long haul.  I’ve set boundaries and have my limits. I’m not comfortable with him being with a man. Well in February I had to have a hysterectomy and we talked about putting everything on hold while I was recovering. Well I just recently found out that hes been on tinder wisper and other websites looking for women and men who like CD’s. I guess what i’m getting at is he hasn’t been open and honest about what he is doing. The only thing I really needed was for him to be open and honest about where and how far he wanted to take his CD. He’s not really communicating,but I have so many questions and am deeply hurt and feel betrayed by the love of my life. How do I get him to open up to me and talk to me without pushing him to hard. Him trying to find men and woman to play with was and still is something I am not ok with and I don’t think I will ever be ok with. I am however 100 percent on board with him dressing up and playing with me but not anyone else. I don’t have anyone to talk to and you ladies seem to have some of the best advice from what I have read over that last couple of weeks. i welcome any advice and thank you ladies in advance.   Marie

    • #210093
      Jenny
      Lady

      It is a very hard thing to find someone like you willing to try or the even understand and accept now. Now as far as willing to take things as far as you have that’s great but maybe that’s not enough for him. What you need in my opinion to do is sit him down and say to him directly this is where I’m at this is what I want. This is how you make me feel when you don’t talk to me this is how you make me feel when I find out things behind my back and I will have none of that I have been nothing but open and honest and tried hard to understand you and your situation you should at least give me decency to do the same. Now he may not know exactly what he wants it is very hard for us to understand sometimes what is fantasy what is real and sometimes those ads are just all about fantasy nothing more and if that is the case then he should tell you that but if it is not and what you two have together is not enough for him and you are not willing to add a third person to the relationship then he should come clean and tell you that and you should tell him what you want you have been more more understanding than most SOS or women in your situation and you deserve respect and honesty and if he’s not willing to give it to you then maybe it is time to put things on hold and move on. Love is a b**** and can make you crazy I hope all the best to you.

    • #210094
      Anonymous

      My first question is why was he looking for men and women who like CDs?

      I know and like the fact that I’m a bit naive, but if it was me, I would be looking for company, as it’s a bit lonely being a CD.

      Specifically, I would want companionship of a purely platonic nature. I don’t believe for a minute I’m alone in the universe, although I get that other people have different needs.

      I recently went to Brighton’s most prominent LGBQT bar, alone, fully en femme. Glitzy dress, heels, the works.

      I met so many lovely people, who I felt very attracted to, and I’m sure the feeling was mutual from the reactions I got.

      But my bond to my wife is stronger than even I anticipated, and the temporary friendship I sought and obtained was exactly what I needed. No consummation necessary!

      I hold my hope that your man may have simply been seeking the company of people who appreciate what he does, for validation.

      That said, the spirit may be willing, while flesh is weak, and crossdressing is a hard and confusing thing to come to terms with as a man, as well as an SO.

      When I discovered what I am aged 13, I tried to end it. Fortunately I failed and am here to say it can work out even better than you thought, way, way better – but there are real bumps and pitfalls on the way.

      I hope my musings are helpful – I can’t give answers, only perspectives.

      Love Laura

       

       

      • #214976
        Leonara
        Ambassador

        Laura,
        Your point is well taken… As a CD I am sure we seek like minded ladies to share our friendship platonically. Your perspective is right on for me too. Thank you…Leonara

    • #210119

      Hello. This is Charlotte’s wife.  When my SO saw your post she said I should come read this because I might understand a bit of what you are going though and what you are feeling.  I do understand how you feel.  I was nervous when my husband came to me and said he wanted to CD, I asked myself what does that mean for us? I know this advice might feel a bit simple but honesty is key. You will need to find a time and safe place to sit him/her down and talk about everything.  Talk about how you feel, and what you want, and what you don’t want, and then let your SO have their say, no matter how long it takes. Is your SO just CD at home or out in public?  Do y’all know one one else who CD? Are there any clubs or groups near you?  My SO says that doing this by yourself is lonely and I agree, it was hard for me too, but now that we are getting to know other like-minded people it has been nice. well darling I wish you the best of luck. If you would like to talk more contact Charlotte on here and she will give you my email.

      Katrina

    • #210683

      Hi Marie – I would offer that a SO online looking for sex is a major problem that no amount of talking is likely to resolve.  Whether it’s sex with men, women, or other CDs is not really relevant at this point.  He is supposed to be with you and…is not (?)

      Unfortunately, regardless of orientation or gender, the powerful lure of online sex and dating is a huge cause of break ups today.  Again, talking it over with him is probably not likely to erase his desire/need for online surfing (and meeting up?).  He might bury it for a bit, but for how long?

      I would recognize that this is a major red flag and BE REALISTIC about what lies ahead, should you decide to stay with him.  NO matter what, hope it works out in a way that makes YOU happy

      Love Jenny

    • #210856
      Chris
      Lady

      Maybe you both need professional counseling with a counselor that is experienced in gender issues. I’m thinking together. & individual too.

      That helped us. I just realized I’m gender fluid last year and it’s hard after 20+ years of marriage. My wife is very worried about me but counseling helps us both a lot.

      Hope it all works out

    • #211402
      Anonymous

      I am sorry about your situation. To me he has done the same as any relationship by hiding the fact from you. I am a straight crossdressing male and am in a relationship with a very understanding woman. All relationships should be based on honesty and open communication. It’s hard to find understanding partners and when you do you should be great full enough to be honest and open with them.

    • #212046
      Debbie J
      Lady

      It’s hard to address this online and with people whom we don’t really know. That said, I think Laura hit the nail on the head above. The core question is “Why is your husband looking online?”

      There are tons of potential answers to this. He might want/need to amp up the kink level. He might want someone to “take control,” to bring out a submissive streak in him. He might, for whatever reason, feel that you’re not really accepting.

      My gut reaction is that either he wants someone to take control, or that he has a bi side he wants to express, or both. I could be way off track, though.

    • #212118
      Becka
      Lady

      Hi Marie,

      I have not read any responses so forgive me if I’m redundant.  His behavior of hiding things from you is not related to CD’ing in anyway.  He obviously thinks he needs (and wants) more “adventure”.  If anyone is CD, straight, bi, what have you, and they want to sneak around looking for more, they are going to do it.

      I’m so sorry he has not been open with you, and I hope you are recovering (have recovered) fully.  As difficult as it may be, it’s time for you to be selfish and look out for yourself.  Go after what you want or desire.  He seems to be.

      Love and Hugs,

      Rebekka!

    • #212617

      Hi Hon

      It such a pity that he does not seem to fully appreciate what he has.  There are a lot of helpful tips in the previous replies but I think you need to first and foremost sit down with him and speak to him.  Explain that you are supportive of the CD part of him but that you know he has been online looking for other people to share it with and that this is not okay with you.  If he doesn’t know he may be thinking that you will be okay with it and you must clearly set your boundaries.

      If he cannot abide by your boundaries then for your own sake I think you would have to separate from him.  But as I said first speak to him?

      Good luck hon I hope he realises how lucky he is and it works out for you

      Glenda

    • #214968

      Marie, i am so sorry for your pain.  You and he need to sit down and have a long and open talk.  Regardless of his sexuality and gender fluidity for your relationship to work both of you must be open and accept the sexual needs and boundaries of each other.  If he cannot live within your boundary of monogamy the you must decide regardless of his crossdressing would you accept this behavior from your SO.  If you cannot but he cannot live without it then you both have a future of pain if you continue together.  If one of you can change to accept either his need apparently to have others or your need for a monogamous relationship then this can be achieved only with openness and honesty!  Good luck. dear.   i truly hope this works out for both of you💋

    • #214970

      Hi Marie
      First of all I hope that your recovery has been good, Now as to your partner, you need try and sit him down and have an open conversation with him, you need to place boundaries around what he wants and also what you want, if this does not work then you need to think about yourself and were you want to go with your future, He is so lucky to have someone as understanding as yourself. There is also a section on here just for SO partners to speak to send an invitation out there https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/groups/wives-and-significant-others/request-membership/?_wpnonce=606f3795f9
      Good luck and if you want to talk PM me

    • #215837
      Stef Smith
      Duchess

      He’s lucky to have you and your understanding

      tell him that his activity is a deal breaker (if it is)

      tell him you love him unconditionally (as you have proven) and tell him you want to share this experience with him

       

      if he cant respect the boundaries then it s over

    • #216403

      Crossdressing is not an excuse to cheat.  If he is willing to break the boundaries and cheat,  they are not worth the time.  Even knowing they were looking would ruin any trust I had in them.

      You seem like a very understanding person but if they are willing to throw that all away for some one night stands they are not respecting of you,  especially after you had some major surgery.

      I hope you have healed well.

      Cynthia

    • #216855
      eleanor holborn
      Managing Ambassador

      Hi Marie have sent to an invite to the SO group Hon

    • #217059
      Leah
      Baroness

      Marie,

       

      just want to say Thank you for being a supportive, understanding and willing to participate with his dressing up. You are a unicorn, as there are not many ladies like you that are able to do that.   I think most of would be ecstatic to haev a wife/SO like you and woudl not need to find “outside” satisfaction.  I agree with you that I woudl not be ok that part either.   He needs to be open and honest with you so you can both work together with his dressing up needs and desires.

      I also think he is “missing” or not getting something form you that he is afraid or embarrassed to ask for and may want you to take a more dominate role in your relationship.  Regardless of what he is not getting, he needs to ask those things from you…not others

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