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  • #619360
    Harriet Hanna
    Participant
    Registered On: June 12, 2021
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 7
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    Hi all,

    I came out to my wife about 6 months ago. She was surprised and initially supportive but uncomfortable.

    Her biggest issue with my dressing was the fact I had kept it secret and had essentially lied to her. Now she was part of the same secret and didn’t want to be and felt I had trapped her. I understand these feelings and explained I never actively intended to lie but wasn’t ready until this point to reveal this side of myself.

    The thing I am struggling with is this… she doesn’t want to see me dressed or really have anything to do with it but wants complete honesty about when I do it so there are no secrets. She is also very uncomfortable keeping it a secret too and feels if its what I want to do I need to tell everyone.

    I feel like there is no clear path here. Outing myself completely isn’t an option as I’m no where near ready for that, I also don’t want to. But I also can’t be honest as her disinterest in it is so tangible I feel ashamed constantly for doing it.

    For now I’ve purged everything and tried so very hard to stop but I can feel it creeping back in. I dont want my marriage to suffer but I’m not living 100% of my life. I keep telling myself my family and kids are more important and they are but part of me is trapped and struggling for air.

     

    What would you ladies and SOs do?

     

    Lots of love,

    H x

Viewing 32 reply threads
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    • #644854
      Paula1
      Lady
      Registered On: October 22, 2015
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      Can I provide a different view?
      Firstly, this is in many way a betrayal and she will feel trapped. If she had lied to you about a big part of her throughout your marriage, you may be shocked and upset when discovering this. It’s normal and natural. A good open talk and clear boundries are a good thing and may help.
      Is your wife open as a person? if she is then she may find have a lie or a secret very very hard.
      My partner refuses to be open and lying to adult children and the world I find the hardest thing and not who I am.
      I love him for exactly who he is and don’t care if he dresses or dosnt as I am happy with whatever he choses but the secrets are very hard to cope with. If we paint nails he will literally have to have curtain drawn and key in the door in case anyone comes home, I find it depressing. I don’t want to be in a closet with anyone so to speak!
      Some counselling may help you and her find a way and be happy.

      Thank you Marie

      Its always nice to hear from the SO point of view, this helps keep the reality at a good line of what we have put our partners through

      Hugs Paula

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    • #644228
      Polly Stewart
      Lady
      Registered On: January 2, 2021
      Topics: 13
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      I’m not sure I have anything extra to add as I grew into my adult crossdressing with my ex’s full support. We traversed the various changes and potential issues together… yes, she was my best supporter ever!
      Then, one day, out of the blue, she asked me to leave! I later discovered that the girl of my life is the ultimate ‘people pleaser’! She did what she thought would please me and make me happy… without the same happiness in herself.
      I think the change came when I applied my first oestrogen patch (she even videoed the event). What came later broke my heart but I cannot let that detract from what we had… what I thought we had. I considered myself one of the lucky few with a fabulous, supportive SO… still do.
      That said, I cannot possibly imagine the position you find yourself in but you must decide what the most important thing is and run with without looking back!

      Hugs 💕🥰 Polly

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    • #644222
      Sophie
      Duchess
      Registered On: January 27, 2019
      Topics: 1
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      Hi Harriet,

      I can relate to this sooooo much! I am some what in exactly the same place, married with 2 children and my wife and children are everything to me. I too have struggled over the years and told myself lots that my family are more important than my own needs, however the more I tried to deny who I am the more I became unhappy, until eventually I couldn’t think about anything other than dressing. Eventually I confided in my wife and told her everything, as I’m sure you can imagine this did not go down well. After lots of talking she agreed to let me wear night gowns but it had to remain a secret, and so it appeared as though she was being supportive, but then over time she would start making comments about my night gowns until I became embarrassed and ashamed and would stop for a while. This went on back and forth for a few years until eventually I couldn’t take any more and once again had a talk with my wife, this time I explained how not dressing was making me feel but also tried to reassure her how much I loved her and the kids but I needed some way to be more me. Again after lots of talking and time we agreed I could wear womens pjs in front of the kids, as they are young enough that they don’t really notice, I now also shave my legs and have my nails varnished. This is far from where I want to be, but I do get some sense of my self, I have since also come out to some close friends (with my wife’s consent). She still struggles and does try to be supportive, but I see how difficult it is for her. At the start of this I made my wife aware that I acknowledge her feelings and understand that this both of us are going through this journey and it needs to be done at steps that we can both agree with and feel comfortable with. She is getting better as time goes on and my advice would be to talk as much as you can and be patient, especially if you want to bring your wife with you on this journey. I hope this helps in some way!

       

      If you need to talk any more feel free to PM me.

      XOXOX

      Sophie

      • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Sophie.
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    • #644203
      Suzanne Martin
      Hostess
      Registered On: January 8, 2020
      Topics: 1
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      Harriet –

      There isn’t much I can add that the others haven’t already said.

      I came out to my wife over 2 years ago and it has been a roller coaster ride since.  When I first came out to her we came to an agreement that my dressing would stay in the house and that she didn’t want to see me dressed.  Shortly after I came out to her she talked with one of her friends that could be trusted about it.  She didn’t tell me before she did but I was okay with it as she needed to do that for herself.  She also told one of her brothers who could be trusted.  She got good advice from each of them which helped in her acceptance.  Based on those conversations she suggested I see a therapist, not to stop but to understand my dressing and how it fit into my life.  I did start therapy and it has helped me tremendously.  I encourage everyone to do therapy as it helps to discover who you are.  My therapist doesn’t give advice, she listens and asks questions that cause me to reveal parts of myself I have denied.

      I am sorry to hear that you purged but can understand.  There was a point where my wife asked me if my dressing was just a phase I was going through which caused me to stop.  I didn’t purge but did put things away for awhile.   After a period of time we had another conversation and she realized the effect dressing has on me.  Since then we have had other conversations about my dressing most of which have been positive.  Needless to say there are always going to bumps n the road but conversation is what gets us through those.

      I hope this helps a bit.  If you would like I am available to share more of my journey with you.  Feel free to PM me.

      XOXO
      Suzanne

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    • #644202
      Patty Phose
      Duchess
      Registered On: May 7, 2016
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      My wife met patty a couple of weeks after we met. That first day we went out shopping as girlfriends. That was followed by many more girlfriend outings. I was her boyfriend and girlfriend. Patty has always been part of our life.

      I’ve learned from other dressers that after they came out to their wife after many years, there was two big issues. One is how do they feel about their manly husband liking being a girl and the other what else are they hiding.

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    • #644201
      Roberta Broussard
      Baroness
      Registered On: July 20, 2020
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      Sounds to me that forcing you to come out to others is just her way of inflicting pain on you. Perhaps she is looking to relieve her anger by hurting you this way. Most couples have secrets that they share. Some are intimate and only come out in the bedroom. Sharing these without agreement from both, is completely wrong and a deliberate betrayal in itself.

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    • #644190
      Marie Xyz
      Baroness
      Registered On: April 7, 2022
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      Can I provide a different view?
      Firstly, this is in many way a betrayal and she will feel trapped. If she had lied to you about a big part of her throughout your marriage, you may be shocked and upset when discovering this. It’s normal and natural. A good open talk and clear boundries are a good thing and may help.
      Is your wife open as a person? if she is then she may find have a lie or a secret very very hard.
      My partner refuses to be open and lying to adult children and the world I find the hardest thing and not who I am.
      I love him for exactly who he is and don’t care if he dresses or dosnt as I am happy with whatever he choses but the secrets are very hard to cope with. If we paint nails he will literally have to have curtain drawn and key in the door in case anyone comes home, I find it depressing. I don’t want to be in a closet with anyone so to speak!
      Some counselling may help you and her find a way and be happy.

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    • #644189
      Marie Xyz
      Baroness
      Registered On: April 7, 2022
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      Can I provide a different view?
      Firstly, this is in many way a betrayal and she will feel trapped. If she had lied to you about a big part of her throughout your marriage, you may be shocked and upset when discovering this. It’s normal and natural. A good open talk and clear boundries are a good thing and may help.
      Is your wife open as a person? if she is then she may find have a lie or a secret very very hard.
      My partner refuses to be open and lying to adult children and the world I find the hardest thing and not who I am.
      I love him for exactly who he is and don’t care if he dresses or dosnt as I am happy with whatever he choses but the secrets are very hard to cope with. If we paint nails he will literally have to ahve curtain drawn and key in the door in case anyone comes home, I find it depressing. I don’t want to be in a closet with anyone so to speak!
      Some counselling may help you and her find a way and be happy.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #638207
      Kim Dahlenbergen
      Lady
      Registered On: November 18, 2019
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      I would suggest giving her exactly what she has said she wants: honesty. That doesn’t mean she has to see you when dressed, but it could mean letting her know when you want to express yourself. And if the question about secrecy continues to be a bone of contention, then perhaps its time to discuss with a competent couples therapist.

      Yes, hiding this part of yourself might be seen as unfair to her. But its also fair to ask why one feels so unsafe in sharing this personal fact with others, and whether you are entitled to decide how much of yourself to share and when. My guess is that every person has something about themselves they aren’t proud of, or that they fear might diminish them in the eyes of others. And we all want safe intimate relationships…. So perhaps its at least understandable why a person would closely guard such information

    • #638122
      Natasha Inaskirt
      Lady
      Registered On: August 6, 2020
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      I am sorry to hear this Harriet. I have recently also come out to my wife and we are at a very similar stage. She is not as upset as your wife sounds but is struggling with the whole idea and I can understand why. Well done for being honest with her and let’s hope time will heal or at least make it less shocking for them.

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    • #638062
      Tina Que
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      Registered On: April 14, 2021
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      I can understand an SO that wants nothing to do with it and I can understand an SO wanting to know everything about it but I don’t understand both at the same time.

      This feels like the beginning of a controlling relationship that contributes to more withholding information and less trust and does not end well.

      I get that trust has been broken but this won’t improve or rebuild trust.

      If she wants to rebuild her trust in you, she has no choice but to having some form of involvement (does not mean participation) which includes open communication and understanding. Understanding is not necessarily acceptance and/or support.

      If there is going to be resolution, there is work to be done on both sides. That is why it is called a relationship.

    • #637960
      Cath N.
      Baroness
      Registered On: June 18, 2020
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      I dont know how I missed this post. You could have written this about me, minus the part about asking you to come out to everyone. It didnt even cross my mind to ever ask my SO to come out to anyone. It’s not my business when/if he ever wants to come out. What is my business though is escalation. And even though I have no interest in ever seeing him again dressed, I want to know what/how often he dresses so that I can be aware of escalations. It’s a purely self-protection mode.

      She told you what was true for me too. You not actively trying to deceit her didn’t make you act in any way differently than if you were doing it purposely. And the result of course is the same. She is trapped. Whether you were trying to trap her or not is irrelevant. Think of it this way: if you are driving drunk and you hit someone, are you trying to purposely hit someone? Isn’t the result the same? To her, you were driving drunk. I am not touching on your reasons for why you didn’t tell her, they are your reasons. But the act of not telling her took away her choice to be with someone who crossdresses or not. You clearly are entwined now in ways that forbid her from saying “no, thank you, but I wish you good luck in your life”. Again, I am giving you the SO perspective only.

      I suspect the reasons she asks to know when you are dressing are twofold: one, to see how deeply in you are according to frequency and two, to put the responsibility on you communicating to her about something you are doing. Which is something you didn’t do before and ruined her trust to you. I also suspect that you decided to purge just so you can avoid talking about it. And that will only bring you back to square one.

      If you want to do something constructive, seek therapy to teach you how to communicate about it with her. Ultimately, it is something you brought into her life and not something she invited. You bet she’ll be uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean though that you shouldn’t look for ways to communicate with her. It is your responsibility to do so.

      • #644218
        Foxy Femme
        Lady
        Registered On: April 25, 2022
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        Thanks for this reply. It explains a lot about my own spouse’s response to CD.

      • #638331
        Paula1
        Lady
        Registered On: October 22, 2015
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        Hi Cath your input is very well written, It makes so much sense to hear this from a SO point of view thankyou

        Hugs Paula

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    • #634818
      Saria Hoffman
      Lady
      Registered On: January 20, 2022
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      Speaking as the partner of a CD, I think was really helped my partner and I was that I was able to set limits in the beginning.  I could tell her what I felt comfortable with and she never pushed it.

      I mean, your wife would have to give you a starting point but building that mutual trust is key.

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    • #623529
      Sabrina Beatz
      Lady
      Registered On: February 11, 2022
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      Hi Harriet,

      Im so sorry that you are going through this. I’m experiencing a very similar situation with my SO. One thing we have done to help communications is we set up a weekly time to meet and talk. We have a checkin every Sunday at 5:30 and we get whatever we want or need to off our chests. This has given her the opportunity for her to ask questions and a chance for both of us to process together. It really has helped us!

      Good luck and I really hope you two can work through this together!

      xSabrina

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    • #623520
      Eileen Bach
      Baroness
      Registered On: February 27, 2021
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      Dear Harriet.

      Sorry I didn’t see this post earlier. I’ve known about my husband’s dressing for 11 or so years. Of course, he dressed for decades before then.

      Most CD’s think this will go away at some point, especially after getting married. It does not, not ever. And most don’t fully understand why the need to dress. It must be more embarrassing to admit to than an SO can possibly understand. We don’t feel the uncontrollable urges the CD feels.

      The deception was not an intentional lie. There much worse things husbands do than put on a dress. He doesn’t cheat on me, drink too much, or gamble our money away.

      A wife does need friends to talk about this. I found support with other CD wives. Friends and family don’t need to know.

      Hugs, Eileen

    • #623514
      rebekka moore
      Lady
      Registered On: January 7, 2017
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      Hello Harriet,

      I’m so sorry to hear about your purging. An activity we have all participated in and have come to regret it. This does not go away, we are who we are.

      I had to sneak around my SO for a long time, then came out to her, she did not, does not like it. so I too tried to stop. Of course a trigger came along and when I hit 60 I thought I can’t do this anymore. I bought close that I wear daily, girl jeans, shoes, hose/tights, panties, camisoles, and it’s a lot of work to keep this “out of sight. She knows, I’m not fooling anyone really, I don’t wear make up or wigs, but would like to at some point, and I go out dressed in what I have. Recently my SO has done a couple of things that were really shocking. Oh FYI, I completely shave everything too. The result of this is, we have not been intimate in over 2 years.
      anyway, last weekend we were out shopping at a local store and she found a very nice cardigan and thought our daughter would like and I agreed but noted it looked a little big. She agreed and I commented jokingly really, that it would fit me. She asked if I wanted to try it on, so I did! (very shocked). It did fit perfectly and she said, “you should get it”. So I did!! I was shocked and have worn it twice now and each time she comments how nice it is.

      Yesterday going through the mail she found coupons for Victoria’s Secret. “Buy one pair of panties, get a second free.”. She pushed it aside and said “you can use that”. I thought she was talking to my daughter. My daughter was distracted by something else and didn’t hear her. so she said it again saying, “here, you can use that” and gave it to me!!!!

      Sorry, this is the long way of saying, don’t deny yourself. You will regret it! I’m so sorry I didn’t do more when I was younger, single and even earlier in my marriage. Your wife may or may not come to accept it. Just be ready to accept any consequences.

      Luck and Love,
      Becka!

    • #620262
      Nancy Gamms
      Duchess - Annual
      Registered On: March 1, 2017
      Topics: 14
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      There is a big difference between “keeping a secret” and announcing it to the world.  Long story short my wife now knows as of Feb 2021 that i have not quit nor can quit nor intend to try to quit.  It isn’t going away.  I have hit the point where I don’t care who knows but do not plan on telling anyone currently.  We have been working through this slowly with some ups and downs for the past year.  Don’t assume anything and she should not assume anything.

      I told my wife I was tired of hiding it.  It wasn’t until 10 months later she asked if meant from her or from the world.  I meant both but not that i was going to be out or full time or any other iteration of that.

      She has no desire to see me and i am ok with that but struggle with what should i tell her.  I’m on a trip this week and took lingerie but won’t have  a chance to fully dress so didn’t bring anything else.  I struggle with should i volunteer and tell her this?  Does she want to know?  Does she fear the “worst” in her opinion which would probably be fully dress and go out to eat or shop? It needs to come up sometime so i don’t let it eat at me but if she doesn’t care or want to know or be a part of it.

    • #619993
      Arianne Wells
      Lady
      Registered On: September 10, 2021
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      Dearest Harriet,

      My heart goes out to you finding yourself in this situation with your SO, but I must agree with a few of the other ladies who have replied to this article, that being up front before getting married would have given you’re now wife an out. However I don’t think forcing anyone to out themselves under duress is anything to be proud of doing and as such this is manipulating and shameful  behaviour from you’re wife. What happened to the close bond you share with each other and there being a “no tales out of school” policy? (trust in each other) Your wife is supposed to love and support you yet I don’t see much of either.

      Purging never works as I can concur with my girlfriends on here and my own experiences in life proven to me, never works and tends to make those urges more powerful. I believe honesty is always the best policy as I found when I opened up to my wife, before we were married, I gave her lots of literature to read on the subject and encouraged her to do some research on the internet and answered as many of those awkward questions as and when they came up.

      I am very fortunate and am blessed with a very supportive wife and would encourage you both to seek professional help as I’m sure neither of you want to see you’re marriage suffer as a result of you just wanting to be who you really are. We all are put on this planet for such a short period of time and to deny yourself the happiness crossdressing brings you will build resentment in your relationship that will destroy the love you have for one another and this is why is so important to reach out for help from a professional.

      In my humble opinion I do think communication is the only way forward in the hope you’re wife will reach some level of understanding of what crossdressing gives you to make you the person you are.

      I do wish you both the very best for the future, whatever that may bring and wish you a speedy resolution to this horrid situation you find yourself in.

      Love and Hugs

      Arianne

      XoXo

    • #619964
      Anonymous
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      I’d get an experienced divorce lawyer, pack her stuff and get on with the rest of your life.

      I have done this exact thing myself.

      Caroline

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    • #619753
      Lacy Satin
      Lady
      Registered On: June 27, 2018
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      I really feel for you!

      It’s very hard for us to explain why we have these needs and often times it’s even hard for us to come to terms with ourselves.

      My wife had very mixed emotions when I told her too. She really didn’t want any part of it and I can respect that. The problem is that it is a part of who I am and I’m sorry to say it was the baggage I brought into the relationship even though I did not tell her about it.

      I think often times our wives feel it has something to do with them not being as feminine as we would like. They tend to blame it on themselves and that is the farthest thing from the truth.

      For me it took many, many hours of discussion for me to give her some sort of understanding about it. She is well aware now of the fact that it is a part of me and has been my entire life. She is willing to give me the time and space to envelope myself in femininity and it is a tremendous relief to know I am not being secret about it.

      I had told my wife back when she was trying to sort this out that she can share it with her closest girlfriend if she wanted to. I didn’t think it would have been fare to her to have to keep this discovery to herself without having a friend to talk with about it.  She never did share it with anyone.

      Your wife lashing out and wanting the world to know is very wrong and hurtful.

      You know purging is not the answer and you also know it will never go away.

      I really hope you and your wife can have some long talks about it where in time you can bring her to a point of understanding if not accepting it.  You really first need to explain to her that this is a very private and personal thing that is not to be shared with the world. You have no intention to move on with your life as a transexual so why does she feel the need to share it with the world? That is so wrong!!

      I really hope it works out for you. Crossdressing is not something that should ever ruin a relationship. I find it so sad that we have to be so protective and secret about this side of us so as not to get hurt by those we care about the most.

      I’ve been a crossdresser my entire life and I’m not ashamed of it, but at the same time I’m not going out on the street corner and telling the whole world.

       

    • #619581
      Paula1
      Lady
      Registered On: October 22, 2015
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      this is such a common thread. we all seem to go through the same thing, what ever happened to support through sickness and health cloths are just cloths, our SO’s dress in boyfriend jeans and tees boyfriend underwear ect, we dress in slightly fem cloths and all of a sudden it’s a deal breaker for most, we as a community need to change this, that’s my rant.

      My wife was the same after she had found my stash, after a few years she is coming around, for the fact that she has told some of her friends that is a natural occurrences, women need to talk with their friends, nothing is sacred , they talk, only if the male brain work the same way. be patient talk and take it slowly. this is a part of you and will never go away, don’t rush into anything work out boundaries, that suit both of you

      Good luck Paula

    • #619570
      Brielle Ross
      Duchess
      Registered On: August 14, 2021
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      Hello Harriet, I can sympathize, as the beginning of your story is very similar to mine. I revealed ny femme side to my wife of 40 years just last summer. Initially she was empathetic since I was so broken in telling her. After she learned the extent of it and my involvement and realized what it all meant to our past, she then got upset and did feel betrayed. I’m sure she felt “trapped” by my secret, too.

      I actually found out I am more tha n a crossdresser, and we had a second shock wave of my announcing that I need to transition. From what I’ve learned about my wife’s position, she is afraid of embarrassment, afraid she will totally lose her husband, -and feels very inadequate. I suspect your wife has the same feelings and if she doesn’t see it she doesn’t have to acknowledge it.

      For us, we have the shame and guilt (unfounded, of course!) of having a secret like this, but we also feel guilty for putting such anxiety and pain on our wives. The problem with it is we can’t ever control someone else’s reactions. We can only control what we do and say. Keeping your true feelings from your wife is not going to work long term.

      We had (and still have) very honest and sometimes brutal conversations. But we are finally being fully honest with each other since we met – over 40 years ago! We actually are in a better place in terms of communicating now. We are taking things one day at a time, but she may not be able to handle Brielle being around 24/7 in the near future. We both understand that and we’ll just have to wait and see.

      You know your situation better than any of us. It is a risk to get things out in the open. But my experience is that denying oneself will not make it better in the long run. She will always suspect now and you will be depressed and anxious, maybe to the point of a breakdown or physical issue from the stress. If she will agree to it, I recommend a marriage therapist experienced with CD and TG couples. Ours has helped us a lot to identify what is really eating at us and how to cope.

      Good luck, and PM me anytime.

      Hugs,

      Brie

    • #619556
      Catherine Dickson
      Lady
      Registered On: January 22, 2020
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      Similar situation for me. The thing my wife said that I haven’t heard from others is: “if this just became so crucially important recently, then it really can’t be all that crucial. You should be able to dial it back down to just wearing panties.”

      I’m not going to end my marriage over it but it really kind of sucks that she doesn’t want to go to therapy but wants me to so I can get help controlling my urges.

      I mean, she has a point that I didn’t let her know before marriage and she entered the marriage expecting her husband to remain masculine and predictable.

      On one hand I want to honor that agreement but on the other I really love crossdressing and I want to do it more.

      Well, if anyone has new ideas besides all the ones we’ve mentioned, then by all means, speak up!

      Frustratedly,
      Catherine

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #619500
      ANDREA RAVEN
      Lady
      Registered On: December 21, 2017
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 357
      Has thanked: 55 times
      Been thanked: 887 times

      Hi Harriet

      this is a difficult situation but with thought communication and a bit of give and take on both sides it should be possible to work through this. Firstly you need to understand where you are, if you are not comfortable in yourself when dressing, you need to come to terms with it first. Accepting the whole person, both your male and female sides is important. It is only when you understand and accept your self that you will be comfortable in what you want to do.

      Telling everyone is not an option at this stage, firstly you are not happy doing so, secondly you don’t understand yourself as yet, so how could you explain it to friends and family, and thirdly telling everyone will not solve anything, but could make things a lot worse.

      Purging will not stop you crossdressing, I know, I found out the hard way, three times! It will come back, you need to learn to live with it not fight it.

      So what to do? My advice is stop! Stop and think, try to understand where you are and what you want, consider your wife, she needs support, she could join here, or look at other sites such as the Beaumont Society, or Transliving, both have useful information and can offer support. This is a very difficult thing for your wife to come to terms with, she needs time and support. Think of ways that would allow you some degree of crossdressing without your wife seeing. I am not saying do it secretly, but possibly agree you can dress when she is out of the house, for example. It’s not ideal but it is a start. Talking and understanding both sides is important, so try to keep the communication going, it can take a long time to come to terms with this on both side, so try not to rush it. But as part of you understanding who you really are you will ned to explain to your wife, why you need to do this, and the benefits you get from it. I suspect you may not be able to do that yet as you probably don’t fully know yourself.

      The lying is a problem, yes you did keep it a secret, and you have to accept that and acknowledge that, but this crossdressing thing builds over years, what starts as something very small constantly grows the longer you leave it the harder it becomes. That’s not an excuse, but  it may be part of the reason you didn’t tell her sooner.

      Finally I want to wish you and your wife the very best for the future, if you would like to talk more, please do not hesitate to PM me……………..

    • #619493
      Mary Jane
      Lady
      Registered On: September 30, 2020
      Topics: 25
      Replies: 527
      Has thanked: 841 times
      Been thanked: 2654 times

      Reading key terms. You dropped a bombshell on your wife, and asked her to keep it a secret.

      She needs to talk about it. If she can’t talk openly about it, she needs you to open up about it.

      It’s not fair that any of us would try and vow our other 1/2 to secrecy if we are not willing to talk about it.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #619478
      Celeste Starre
      Lady
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 49
      Replies: 1411
      Has thanked: 382 times
      Been thanked: 5150 times

      What I did was leave which turned out to be the right choice. It was difficult at first but that didn’t last long and the 22 years since have been the best.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #619413
      Samantha Jo
      Lady
      Registered On: April 3, 2021
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 98
      Has thanked: 987 times
      Been thanked: 544 times

      Hi Harriet,

      This is a difficult situation you are in, yes you did keep this part of you a secret from her but you have told her and now you have been honest with her. The problem with a secret is keeping it to yourself what someone has told you and if they go against that then they have broken the trust that you have asked them to keep so to me it’s a two way thing.

      The fact that your wife doesn’t want to see you dressed should not influence you when you choose to dress, I was in a similar position with my first wife she dictated to me when I dressed how long I could dress for and worse for me what clothes I was allowed to wear ( even though see never wanted to see me dressed)

      For her to want to tell everyone putting you in a an even more difficult situation is totally unfair, if you want to tell people that is up to you and no one else. Just try to keep talking to her and both be honest with each other and hopefully you can both find some common ground.

      You can try to stop crossdressing but it is a part of you and it will be very very difficult to do so. You have plenty of friends on here that you can always talk to if you need to.

      Take care and I hope everything goes well for you.

      Samantha x

       

       

    • #619411
      Michelle McQueen
      Lady
      Registered On: June 14, 2021
      Topics: 25
      Replies: 1298
      Has thanked: 8119 times
      Been thanked: 6449 times

      Our SO’s rarely understand our dilemma and it does seem like shes punishing you. I suggest you tell her you want to save the marriage and both of you must go see a therapist together.

    • #619398
      Trish White
      Baroness
      Registered On: December 2, 2021
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 237
      Has thanked: 840 times
      Been thanked: 880 times

      Hi Harriet,

      I feel for you honey, I really do. I’ve been married for 47 years and I told my wife about my crossdressing before we got married. I just couldn’t start a relationship like marriage with out her knowing what she was getting. Unfortunately my wife tolerates it at best and does help me keep it hidden from immediate family and friends. My family knew and her family knew but that was it.

      I don’t know how long you’ve been married but it almost sounds like she’s punishing you for something that you have no control over. If that’s the case I would see if she would research crossdressing with you so she has some idea of what she’s dealing with. Don’t push but be firm. If she’s not willing to bend and at least admit you need to dress occasionally then you have a big decision to make. Also maybe see if she’s willing to see a therapist with you that specializes in CD’s. Getting the straight goods from a third party might be what you both need and it my help both of you a whole bunch. Good luck Harriet.

      Love,

      Trish

    • #619391
      Miss Lollipop
      Lady
      Registered On: February 5, 2022
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 166
      Has thanked: 95 times
      Been thanked: 510 times

      Hi

      That’s really tough. Almost an ultimatum.. It sounds like a push for you face-up to admitting it very publicly in possibly the hope of revealing that will bring you so much ‘shame’ (?) that you’ll recoil and give up the ‘other-side’ of yourself.

      That’s actually a pretty hard stance. I am unsure how I would handle that particular scenario, I’d would strongly evaluate how I felt about my life with someone who’s exercising strong manipulative tendencies in this way. If there’s been other circumstances where such a hard-line has been drawn, I’d question myself as to why I let myself walk into this situation. If it’s – just – *this * * that’s drawing a hostility, I’d push for a middle ground. It – has – to be this way for you, if this is something that is a strong urge / desire, it’s unfair to ‘shame’ you or force you to give something up. There’s got to be an equal consideration here or it can become an enormous roadblock in a relationship.

      Really tough situation. Maybe not participating for a while will cool things off?…give some time for reflection, once that’s passed it might be evident (hopefully) this is really no ‘big deal’ and is of no harm to anyone. However, if pushed and you have to expose something you’re uncomfortable with, this could disturb you and bring harm to you especially in resentment of her in this relationship…

      Sometimes understanding in privacy just isn’t enough for some people.. I feel for you and I hope things work out. Opening up is not something I really advocate, so I can’t speak from a personal perspective, but being able to see things as an outsider, it appears this has damaged things quite deeply.. It’s a trust that’s been broken. Sometimes that can be mended, sometimes it never heals..

      I do wish you the best though. I wish I could be of greater help..

      x

      • #619473
        Harriet Hanna
        Lady
        Registered On: June 12, 2021
        Topics: 2
        Replies: 7
        Has thanked: 15 times
        Been thanked: 79 times

        I think a large part of the struggle is I’m not totally comfortable with dressing myself. Dont get me wrong, I love it and feel so much myself when I do it but when I think of how I would be viewed by others I struggle. That’s why a supportive community here has helped so much.

        I see how it seems she is manipulating me but I think it’s because she’s struggling to get to grips with it. I know she feels betrayed to some degree and I’ve accepted that was my doing. I’m hoping given some time without doing it will help normalise things and give some breathing space and I can broach the subject again down the line. She’s also open to couples therapy which is a good thing. She’s a very open minded person but I seem to be held to a different standard which is tricky. I appreciate your thoughts and it’s good to get some perspective from everyone here.

        • #619475
          Miss Lollipop
          Lady
          Registered On: February 5, 2022
          Topics: 2
          Replies: 166
          Has thanked: 95 times
          Been thanked: 510 times

          Aww, you’re welcome!!

          You’re beautiful, and I hope it works out…

          – I think that’s the smartest way to approach it, too…

          For what it’s worth – I’m here for you…

          X

          2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #619389
      Michelle Skylar
      Lady
      Registered On: March 18, 2021
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 197
      Has thanked: 625 times
      Been thanked: 721 times

      Is it possible that she may have already told someone and feels guilty about it?

      6 users thanked author for this post.
      • #619463
        Harriet Hanna
        Lady
        Registered On: June 12, 2021
        Topics: 2
        Replies: 7
        Has thanked: 15 times
        Been thanked: 79 times

        I know she has spoken to a couple of friends and she asked me about it first. I’m aware she needs support with this snd had hoped that having some external perspective may help. I think it did, she mentioned they kinda just shrugged and said it wasn’t a big deal which helped cool things off a bit

    • #619380
      Sandy Honey
      Lady
      Registered On: February 24, 2021
      Topics: 21
      Replies: 391
      Has thanked: 266 times
      Been thanked: 2044 times

      You are really caught in a no win situation. My ex never knew I loved wearing female clothing and had I told her it would have ended my marriage sooner than later. Her telling you to come out to everyone if you want to dress is her way of controlling you. If you did come out to everybody I don’t think she would in the end like that. Purging never works because like all of us that urge is still there no matter how hard we try and stamp it down. No of us can really tell you what you should do because we don’t know you or her and your relationship. I feel for you and hope things improve, just take it one day at a time. The possibility of losing a marriage is not something to be taken lightly.

      Sandy

    • #619366
      Leah
      Baroness
      Registered On: June 13, 2018
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 343
      Has thanked: 6331 times
      Been thanked: 1434 times

      Harriet,

      Its NOT her call to tell the whole world.  To me my first instinct was this is her way to get “revenge ” on you for keeping this a secret and wants to shame and humiliate you.  We have enough issues to deal with  on our own…let alone being forced done a path you do not want to take.  You will NOT be able to stop dressing. The desire will always be there.

      You should have told her before you married her, giving her that out. I get her being pissed.

      Think long and hard where this is going.  Does she have your back?  Or is she looking to absolve herself from a crops dresser to save face as she is embarrassed about you?  She is NOT accepting of who you are.  Stand your ground.

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