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When I started this journey, I didn’t really think it all the way through. What’s the end game? What is the social requirement of feeling accepted and “belonging” as a person. At first, I wanted Carmen to of course be viewed as a woman… and in public, that’s become reality. But in online social, the name Carmen is totally tied to crossdressing and “trans”.
I’m starting to really feel like I need to transition out of being known as a “CD/Trans” online, so that it matches the person I am in public.
At any establishment I frequent when dressed, I’m known as just another woman. From waiters, checkers, waitresses, customers, and every random person I run across, I’m just… Carmen, a cis-woman, and I’ve never once told anybody I’m a CD, let alone “trans”. Nobody has asked, nobody has mentioned it, nobobdy has ever even hinted that possibly I’m a man.
But here I am online, socially online, where Carmen exists “as a CD/Trans” vs. just a regular woman posting on social media on various topics.
I’m feeling like I need to start taking steps to have those 2 things match up (especially on Reddit). I don’t know how to go about “de-transitioning” online yet, but I’m going to figure it out. I don’t want to go through a name change because I use Carmen in public everywhere I go.
Ah, what an adventure this all is.
EDIT/UPDATE/CLARIFICATION:
I feel I need to add a bit more simply because of the question or notion of “what is wrong with cd/trans”. First, absolutely nothing is wrong with it. Of all people, I believe I prove day in and day out, my excitement of dressing up and presenting as a woman as often as humanly possible, and I get out there, socialize, work hard on my makeup and presentation. So, “what is wrong with cd/trans”… NOTHING is wrong with it, I think it’s amazing, and I’m probably the last person to ask that question to.
But my goal is to present as a cis-woman when I go out en femme, and that has absolutely nothing to do with not being proud to be a cd/trans. Again, I see nothing wrong with it.
If your goal is to present as a cd/trans, and that’s how you want to be seen, then all the more power to you. I’m totally supportive, proud, and excited about anybody who wants to explore this.
But if your goal is to present as a cis-woman, to be seen as a cis-woman, then we can ask “what’s wrong with cd/trans to a very high population of cd/trans folks. Why?
Well, if you’ve ever wondered if you pass or not, then “what is wrong with cd/trans?”. If you experience dysphoria in any way, then “what is wrong with cd/trans”. If you’ve ever been hurt or saddened by being misgendered, then “what is wrong with cd/trans”. Shoot, even if you’ve considered hair removal, HRT, makeup and more, then “what is wrong with cd/trans”. If my goal was to look like a cd/trans, then what’s the point of all of the above? What’s wrong with having a goal, even while being proud of being cd/trans??? Fact is, my goal, when dressed and socializing en femme with the world, is to look like a woman… that doesn’t mean I’m hating on the cd/trans community.
See what I’m getting at?
Hi Carmen, I understand what you’re trying to say. You identify as a woman, have for a long time. You don’t want to be “labeled”, as unfortunately most of us are. It’s a tough situation but, you’re only seen as what you present yourself as. If that’s a woman, that’s what you are. Just be proud of how you’ve come to be you and where you’re going next. Godspeed.
Hi Carmen, Hi Sam, I have transitioned to living as a woman, I am very happy with that and it has pretty well taken care of any dysphoria. But…I’m just like you Sam, I pass sometimes and other times I don’t. I’m fine with it because, like you Sam and unlike you Carmen, My physical attributes and features cause many to notice me with a bit of a perplexed look on their face. Is it or isn’t it?? The other day I was out with a friend for coffee and there was a family ahead of us ordering their drinks. One of their daughters gave me the look and whispered to her mom, mom turned around for a quick second, looked at dear daughter and simply shrugged her shoulders. That is such a common occurrence for me that it has become normal routine.
So, like you Sam, I live as and freely admit to all, that I am a trans woman. I am proud of that and also active in defending our lifestyle and educating any and all who ask about or want to know about being transgender.
I said this in another post just recently, we are not ciswomen and we never will be. We are not biologically females and never will be regardless of how many surgeries we may have. We are trans women!
I actually ordered some pins today from Red Bubble that are for trans people. They say:-She, Her
-The only choice I ever made was to be myself
-This is what Trans looks like
-The scary trans person the media warned you aboutI will wear them with pride and welcome the conversations they may start.
Hugs ladies, lots of hugs,
Lauren M
Interesting post, Carmen. I’ve never looked at things that way. I’m in no position to comment beyond that. Please keep us informed about your progress.
We’re all here (I would hope) to share our own journey and to see, read about, and even if we want, to interact with others who are on their particular journey. I consider this an affinity site or group as we’re on somewhat similar journeys. We’re able to share lots of our experiences and maybe learn a little from the experiences of others here.
Yet, we each are also on our own particular journey, and it’s not that the entire journey may ever come to an end but that there are parts that are easily shared and probably some parts that aren’t. There are intersections, parallel paths, and sometimes slight detours or even bumps on that journey.
And as we all here can easily see, for some the journey brings people here, but also diverges at some point for some.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong or bad or discouraging about any of it…or there shouldn’t be.
A wish I do have in all this is that for those whose paths are starting to diverge from here, that hopefully they may come back at some time and share where they’ve been, what they’ve experienced, how they managed, if even for just a moment. Maybe there will be few here who remember them, but if I’m still here, I’ll remember and I’ll try to congratulate them on their successes, and commiserate on those bumps.
Because, taking a phrase I read years ago, the result of our journeys will be to return to the starting place and know it, or actually ourselves, for the first time.
So, good for you, Carmen and I hope for the best on your journey, and the same for you Samantha.
Hugs, ChloeC
I appreciate that… and I love it here. I want to clarify that I don’t consider this site as “social media”, but as a community and resource tailored to “the starting place”.
In particular, I’m referring to reddit, as there are so many subs and topics on there unrelated to CD/trans, but just a diverse world of interesting reads and communities of all facets of life. I don’t have IG, OnlyFans, Facebook, Snapchat and whatever else is out there.
This is another of your deep thought moments isn’t it Carmen.
I can understand what you are saying and for some of us you have reached the end goal by being seen and treated as a beautiful woman by those outside and at one stage was your end goal. You are now moving the goalposts. You can disassociate with this and other sites that know you are trans but that was your choice and for you to feel complete you wish to move on. Didn’t you have a similar quandary a while ago?
I suppose the next question I would ask is that in moving forward will you be considering reassignment as it would seem a very natural step to completion. Then would you disassociate with any one who does know and so it goes on.
Whatever you do I wish you well and hope you finally get where you want to be and have no history with those around you but you will still retain that history.
Listen to this song ‘Where do you go to my Lovely’, by Peter Sarstedt it kinda follows my pitch…..
You talk like Marlene Dietrich,
And you dance like Zizi Jeanmarie………
Hi Angela! How are you my dear!
Yes, I’m always thinking… Over thinking… But it’s me l.ol!!!
I don’t want to disassociate with people who know. It’s all part of what makes me who I am today. And especially on CDH, I’ve learned so much about myself and the realities and challenges of this crazy adventure. It’s more real here.
But there is something in me, at whatever stage I’m feeling, that makes me want to move forward in some way. There are relationship subs, beauty subs, housing subs, all sorts of stuff that I’d love to post in… Not as guy me, not as CD/trans me… But as the person I present when dressed and as others perceive… As regular ol Carmen the woman.
If I post on unrelated subs, then it comes along with my profile, and my profile is so heavily focused on being a CD/trans. So instead of regular conversation, it becomes more about me as a CD/trans vs. just me as Carmen, a woman. It’s hard to explain lol.
Example… I post on the Makeup Addiction sub… instead of posting and it being about makeup, it becomes about gender. Then all of the sudden, since I know many trans and mods on transadorable and or mtfselfietrain (mods won’t even let my posts receive comments on those 2 lol… They hate me)… Those folks just follow my posts around and downvote.
Anyhow, it’s just not a “clean” interaction with the online world. I don’t know… I just feel there’s more the world has to offer outside of the CD/trans social envelope.
Carmen, sweetie. I see your dilemma. On Reddit, you are currently known as “Carmen, the transgender”. But if I follow what you are saying , you would like to move past that, to just “Carmen”.
Well, I don’t have any answers. You seem to have made such a splash that it may be impossible to escape. It would appear that your followers will probably “out” you any any sub where you try to make that transition.
It’s like the old Pantene commercial says, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”
BTW, I don’t have a Reddit account, but at least understand some of the lingo. Good luck.
Much love,
Raquel
Hey Carmen. Yeah, I do see where you are coming from. Officially i would classify myself as trans-feminine/gender, and happily tell anyone who listens. And I do realize I will never “pass” completely. Took me some time to realize thats not as important as whats inside my head. I am “me” regardless of my dress, so some may see me as…. what? “Gay”, “Sissy”, “Femboy” (ugh), …Effeminate? Cant help that unless they ask me, and then I would set ’em straight. ( no pun intended ).
The one thing you mentioned that raised my eyebrow was the line ” look like a cd/trans “. Not sure what that look is, but I think i understand what you were trying to say – (not look like someone trying to pass as a birth female?). I will say I have seen great looking transwomen who cannot be told apart from Birth Females at a glance, or at several glances. – I say birth female because I HATE the inaccurate term cis-woman.
But, i will echo… “hi, I’m Stevie, and I am transgender”. Quite comfortable with that. Of course I would rather have been born female (felt that since a little kid), and not have to say anything!! 🙂
Stevie
Hi Carmen wonderful post as i have never thought about this before as Stephanie I know i will never “pass” haha im just me love being Stephanie living at home with my wonderful Supportive wife I get to underdress aroun house most weekends and evenings as Cute as i can ha ha but i will never be a woman as this is a hard thing to think about.. If i had been born a girl and grown up as a woman my heart and head would be totaly happy but at same time i would have never met my wonderful wife of 39 years now so I know im trans at heart and as happy as a trans girl can be big hugs to you girlfriend hope things work out for the pretty lady Miss Carmen ..
Stephanie Bass
And Miss Sam he he love you girlfriend as trans women we are and will allways be ..
Carmen,
I completely understand where you are coming from. When I dress, I strive to be as feminine as possible. I haven’t gone out in public yet as my feminine self but so want to. When that day comes I want people to see me as a woman. There is nothing wrong with being a CD/Trans, after all CDing is what brought me to where I am now (somewhere in the middle of CD/Trans). I have also considered listing myself on a site as woman. I want the experience of being treated as a woman in even the mundane day to day things.
Hugs, Liara
I totally get it, Carmen, and honestly, I think its part of our natural progression, from first timidly dressing up for ourselves, getting enough confidence (or need) to step out into society despite the risk or fear (baseless usually) of being seen as trans. I suspect that many of us would share your aspiration of being seen as a woman, of maybe eventually even transcending the self conscious awareness of being different from CIS women when we are out in public.
I balance this in my own life. When I go out, I know I am tall, have somewhat conspicuously large hands, and other tells that will likely reveal my gender. But every time I go out I do so in the hope that I will mostly be taken as a woman. I’m not overly disappointed when that doesn’t happen, but it is always my goal.
Given my late stage in life, I doubt I will ever get to the point where my entire life has transitioned and I will be a “woman” to myself and others. But for someone younger, with more favorable physical attributes, I totally encourage, support and applaud you. Be all the woman you can be!!!
Carmen, I love the angle of this topic!!
There was a really good topic recently about introducing yourself as you first, and CD last. I can’t find that topic, but it had me thinking like yours does…
Being a CD is a part of me, not all of me. I have so many interests besides crossdressing.
In crossdressing and LGBTQIA arenas, the terms can get confusing to describe “me”. Trans is one of them.
I don’t feel trans, I don’t want to change my gender. I just want to wear dresses, bras, panties, heels, flats, and get rid of gender-specific fashion and social rules.
I don’t want to pass, I just want to be accepted.
Yet it’s easy for others to look at me and assume I’m trans. And trans is a hot topic right now. And it can feel easier to go with that assumption at times.
I get what you’re experiencing.
Hi there! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being trans, and I was afraid my post would be read in such a way that I find something wrong with it.
But here is my thinking… in reality, the entire goal it seems of anybody who is transitioning isn’t to be “trans”, it’s to be seen as a gender they identify with. Maybe I’m wrong, but I haven’t met anybody where they’re saying “my end goal is for everyone to view me as trans”.
Honest, I just want a simple existence, no matter how I’m presenting at that moment in time.
As an example, I love going and grabbing a steak for dinner at a nice steakhouse. I don want to be thinking about “going out to eat as a CD/trans as part of the experience and thought process while I eat. It adds some mental complexity to what should just be a really simple enjoyable act… which is going out to freakn eat a juicy perfect steak…. as…. me, a person.
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