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  • #390663
    Dylie Wink
    Participant
    Registered On: September 30, 2020
    Topics: 4
    Replies: 21
    Has thanked: 55 times
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    Just venting. . Mostly:

    Life’s literally given me every reason to not be here the past 16 months. I’m so tired of everything I hope isn’t like it is, turn out to be the worst thing I could possibly imagine. I’m tired of trying my best and over coming obstacles just to be alive and achieving things anymore, only to get screwed over delivered another reason I didn’t expect to be sad.

    When I finally embraced who I was, privately even, it helped me find myself and love myself for the first time in a long time,gave me hope and optimism. Most importantly a will to live and want better for myself again. Mother found out, made it clear she’ll never accept and that doesn’t bother me at all. She still loves me and is from another time than I am. I felt guilty at first, but I knew I do nothing wrong. This is the best I can do to feed a desire I’ve had all my life, especially after playing the respective role I worked so hard for.

    Just being myself with myself was liberating for a while, but with no support or the only friend I talk to anymore not getting it, he accepted it right away and all, and we still talk everyday, and don’t need him to understand it, someone else knowing was enough for me lol. He just is a a different breed and that’s okay I didn’t want things to change after coming out to him. talked girls, games, and goals since 8th grade.

    What I’m getting at is I haven’t had any CD support before coming here. I had acceptance and non acceptance, and I thank you guys dearly for without question offering unconditional support. If anyone thinks I came here in hopes to get fucked I’m sorry. I just want to live again, idk I haven’t felt good ever since I got my anti depressants refilled. Get this, same script I was doing good and genuinely finding quality in life again after getting destroyed as a person living a nightmare I thought would never end. I mean everyone has hardships not competition I’d compete in.

    Thanks for reading a little more about me this site is full of truly good people and I’m so happy I found this. Don’t worry I’m not in danger at least not yet life’s just terrrible Calling my doctor tomorrow because for almost all month the the same successful script, my first refill of it, with an entirely different appearance I get that to some extent my feelings are a symptom to some extent but I just don’t know what to do I’m in a really bad place I feel so overwhelmed I want to just want to disappear.

    Not expecting anything by posting this I just don’t know what to do anymore, and it’s just nice to get that out there. people’s success stories are inspiring, I feel like even this is too late for me to do sometimes.

    Thanks and forgive me for ranting and if anything sounds dumb I haven’t slept but writing this has been knocking me out finally
    Lol.

Viewing 22 reply threads
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    • #391752
      Abby M
      Participant
      Registered On: October 7, 2020
      Topics: 2
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      I know how you feel, life is very hard at times. I feel like I have let my major chronic depressive disorder rule over me since at least 2016. I had been in a committed three and a half year relationship and had talked prospects of marriage and kids; however, my ex had her own issues with body dysmorphia and bad home life. She lived with her parents and went from having grand dreams to not really caring. While there were problems on both sides, I do accept my blame in things, I feel that she projected her insecurities onto me and I went from being physically fit to gaining over one hundred pounds. It hurt when she basically ghosted me and her having been overweight our entire relationship calling me unattractive. I feel I hung onto that anger and resentment and when I tried to begin a new, it led to more heartbreaks. I probably should have gotten myself under control first. I met a wonderful woman who I felt was my soul mate, maybe is my soul mate, but has since dumped me. We are still friends, but I feel like I put her through hell for two years. I ended up losing two jobs and was struggling to enter my chosen field, still am, and I felt like killing myself. I actually told her once that I was going for a walk and one way or another I’d figure it out, either I’d be home or I’d be done. She picked up on what I was saying and immediately called me and stayed on the phone with me for over I think two hours. I can never repay that woman. I was emotionally shattered when she called it quits, but in trying to once again find a new lady love I realized that I have not been single for any great length of time in six years. That I haven’t taken care of myself yet and if you do not love yourself, how can you be expected to love another to the utmost? I feel that the supplements I am taking are helping with my anxiety and depression; I had tried anti-depressants, but I am afraid to try anymore due to my experience with them. I have taken charge of my diet and am writing down how much food I eat and what are possible stressors. I am regularly exercising and am almost down to being merely overweight, not obese; I was definitely 315 pounds in February and am now 254 now. I am still in a job that leaves me feeling that I am undervalued and underemployed, but I am going back to school. I feel that you need to find the small victories in your life and begin to keep count of those. If all you see is the pain in life, you will definitely be blinded like I was. The only thing I really appreciate about my job recently is that there was a training for suicide awareness and prevention by the QPR institute and it helped me understand what I went through. Suicide is a choice, but if it ever comes into your mind again, remember that it is a permanent solution to what might be a temporary problem. Please if you can not speak about this to friends or family, reach out to either the national suicide hotline, its live chat, or get yourself somewhere public where you can rethink your actions. I am new to this community and feel like it is very supportive so reach out to people here. I belong to a FB group about suicidal ideation and some posters in the last week actually were going to kill themselves and everyone who was online basically came together to help. They gave out their home address in response to a question and people were able to call the police to get them help. People are there for you if you need help. I always try to help out on that FB group if someone posts something like that and I think I will be more active on here, if you need to talk, I’m sure other members will say dm them so I’ll also extend the offer and say you can message me when you feel like that. Stay strong, there’s no one else here on this entire earth quite like you so remember that. The world is better with you in it.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #391610
      Trisha Smith
      Participant
      Registered On: August 24, 2020
      Topics: 2
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      Dylie

      I wont lie to you. Life sucks at times. But I can tell you this, you are way ahead of where I was at your age. You seem to have embraced who you are and found peace in that. You have 1 friend from the past by your side, and he is otherwise he would have checked out.

      Life as a CD or TG is tough and we ALL have fought our own battles. Keep grinding it out sweety. Because one day you will wake up and realize that you haven’t had a bad thought in weeks. You will inventory your life and find friends you didn’t have before. And most of all when you look in the mirror a beautiful person will be smiling back at you. I am sure I can speak for all the lovely ladies here, we are ALWAYS here for you.

       

      Head up heels planted girlfriend. 💋

      Trisha

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #391583
      SteffieC
      Participant
      Registered On: October 24, 2015
      Topics: 1
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      Hi Dylie –

      enjoy your life and your experiences. There are many here who have gone through the same things. If you ever need someone to talk/text with and you go to mind an old fart making talking noises at you, I am here. Drop me a line or a number. You can benefit from our experiences and mistakes

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #391581
      Laura Lovett
      Participant
      Registered On: March 26, 2020
      Topics: 7
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      I felt like that so much as a teenager and in my 20s, it’s still a real surprise to me that I made it to where I am.

      Where I am is nowhere special in the great scheme, but, for me, is really special, in that I am really able to count my blessings whenever I feel low, and they cheer me up!

      I used to think these days could never come, and even when things started looking good, I was constantly expecting things to come crashing down, so when bad things happened (as they do sometimes), I’d make a big thing out of a minor setback.

      I did insane things as a kid because I felt screwed up (mainly because of my desire to cross dress, even back then), like trying to kill myself, drinking heavily, taking huge amounts of drugs… but I lost all my friends after starting to behave weirdly after my suicide attempt – I felt so alone for 10 or so years until I suddenly got myself together enough to go to college.

      I have no idea what happened, but I looked at my life and decided that it was no life, and there had to be better. I deserved better. I was a handyman/gardener at the time, and I started seeing my life as a garden, with weeds to pull out, plants to grow- and a house full of stuff that needed fixing.

      Those 10 years left deep wounds and scars, so I really recommend skipping to the bit where you start building the life you want, but by tiny bit, going through the setbacks, winning the next goals, pulling up the weeds, tasting the fruits – turning your life into one long piece of performance art!

      I know, I babble sometimes – but it works for me, and I truly hope you get something out of it!

      Love Laura

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    • #391526
      Amanda Burton
      Participant
      Registered On: January 15, 2020
      Topics: 5
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      Here and not hear, my apologies it would let me edit it 😤😤😤

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #391514
      Amanda Burton
      Participant
      Registered On: January 15, 2020
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      Dylie no need to apologise we all understand, and we are hear and happy to listen and help however we can. Anytime you need to talk the girls on here will always respond, and don’t worry you write as much as you heart wants to say. Lol Amanda xx

       

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    • #391503
      Dylie Wink
      Participant
      Registered On: September 30, 2020
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 21
      Has thanked: 55 times
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      I am sorry everyone, I just have no one did talk to really about this stuff these days, kinda felt embarrassed I wrote all that lol, part glad, but overall happy to see people care or have been through similar struggles.

      I don’t know what I’m doing any more, but what I know for sure is I need to connect with people again. I used to be such a socialite, and people always inviting me out or over, I forgot what that’s like honestly. I didn’t come here specifically looking for that kinda of connection but if it happens it happens. Here I’m happy to be me 😊 sorry for not getting back, sometimes I burrow back into a hole when I feel like I made myself look dumb. Lol but I’m not gonna run away from y’all, nope!

      • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Dylie Wink.
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    • #391025
      Heather Harrison
      Participant
      Registered On: August 3, 2020
      Topics: 10
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      Hi Dylie,

      I’m so sorry that life has crashed down on you. I have been through depression as well, in fact I’m getting back on anti-depressants. These are used to get us through the bad times, and allow us to work on what we need to with a clearer head. I hope you can find the medication that worked for you.

      I’m glad you reached out to us, instead of isolating yourself. Please don’t hesitate to message us. We are here for you.

      Heather

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #390838
      Kay Anderson
      Participant
      Registered On: June 1, 2020
      Topics: 16
      Replies: 491
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      Hi Dylie,

      Please be kind and nurturing to yourself. It took me 59 years to learn that. Because sometimes no one else is going to be kind to you or nurture you. They are living in their own bullshit. I have been through some very dark times. My first wife was having an affair with one of my co-workers. Then she blamed it all on me. We had 3 small children at the time. Then my mother died and my wife filed for divorce. Things were awful and I thought the depression would never end. All my life until recently, I have tried to live this false self of being a tough guy, like everyone around wanted me to be. I wanted to be a girl since as long as I can remember. I called it my inner war and it cause a lot of self-hatred.

      Dylie, I will repeat this, be kind to yourself and nurture yourself. My parents and brothers would never have accepted me dressing like a woman. Most of my friends would never talk to me again. My wife is supportive, but she hasn’t always been and I am sometimes scared she will change her mind.

      The gals here will always support you and listen to you! You can chat with any of them here! We love you girl!

      Please call your doctor is you think your meds are wrong.

      Many hugs your way girl!

      Kay

    • #390834
      patty williams
      Participant
      Registered On: January 19, 2019
      Topics: 62
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      Hi Dylie,

      I am sorry you are down sweetie,

      we all have times we feel like disappearing.

      I lost a very good friend about a year ago Just left. and it hurt really bad It hurt for a year.

      I just wanted to crawl in a hole and make the outing go away.

      However my friends here helped me getthrough that struggle and they can help you too.

      You Hang in there Dylie we are all glad you are here and we care about you so take it from us it will get better and until it does you have us.

      OK.

      Hugs Patty

    • #390833
      Anonymous
      Inactive
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      Hello Dylie

      Please dont disappear hun.

      Your sisters here cherish you. Natasha certainly does. I love everyone here.

      If you need anyone to talk to you can count on me. I do not have a blabber mouth. I hold more secrets than anyone can imagine. Except anything about Natasha. That’s already out.

      Hugs Dylie

      Natasha💋

    • #390830
      Sandy Jayson
      Participant
      Registered On: September 29, 2019
      Topics: 13
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      Sorry to hear your problems, Dylie, and so sad how you are handling it.  I don’t have any more to add beyond what others have already said.  Just know that we all will listen to what ever is bothering you and we all care.  feel free to find someone here you can connect with and pm them.    Still love your name Dylie.

       

      I CARE   Hugs   Sandy

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #390824
      Bianca Everdene
      Participant
      Registered On: April 11, 2017
      Topics: 15
      Replies: 528
      Has thanked: 1698 times
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      So sorry you are in a dark place at the moment  Sometimes just venting, getting it all off your chest is helpful, like lancing a poison to get it out of our system.

      The end of a long relationship, especially one you have given your heart and soul to try to make it work, is toxic for our health, mental and physical. Been there Dylie.

      You will come out of this and appreciate life even more, stay strong, stay healthy, love yourself, you are a wonderful person, and there are wonderful things out there for you to discover and experience. Sometimes they just fall in your lap, opening curtains to a beautiful sunrise, a kind comment to a stranger turning into a lifelong friendship, and sometimes we have to work at it to achieve your goals, to make it happen.

      And I can empathise with the loneliness of a CD wanting so much just to be accepted for who you are. Hard times. You are in good company here on CDH.

      ❤️B

       

       

       

    • #390817
      Dylie Wink
      Participant
      Registered On: September 30, 2020
      Topics: 4
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      I didn’t do a very good job at explaining it I was all over the place this post almost makes me cringe, I never used to be emotional when I drink and yes I understand that anti depressants can have an adverse effect, but I’m not on drugs, I am not young and naive, I am not heartbroken, but I am guilty of giving myself  to someone who didn’t deserve it.

      I wanted to copy and past something I wrote back to an awesome person who decided to message me:

       

      “hey thank you, means something to me for real. If some people in my life would talk to me like that even just a little, instead of talking about me making assumptions without hearing from me personally. You know like actually support me after seriously traumatic shit, instead of kicking me when I am down and expecting me to magically get over it and instantly grab a better position in life. I’m full of potential I’m very confident in my ability at anything I set my mind to.. and damnit I tried so hard and gave years of my life to a selfish greedy demon. No one deserves what I went through, and not many go through it in such a terrible way. I’m not heartbroken, I wasn’t after this all started I was done wishing she would change for the better, not change into someone so cruel and spiteful like I did somethin. I’m not saying I was the best, I made mistakes but at least I owned up for them. I truly believe we were meant to be, but somewhere along the line she changed. Hasn’t worked for nothing the past 4 years, I was always providing and figuring things out so we could build a life, and even if she had job opportunities put in her lap she’d find ways to throw a fit out of it. I’m experienced, I’m not an idiot and could recognize signs, and part of it is my fault for not giving up on her long ago and getting ahead for my kids, but is it so wrong to wish things would get better? I had one goal in life and that was to find someone I love, and create a family, and NOT die. Being born the son of a father who killed himself when I was young, I always dreamed of this simple goal. My own family blames me for everything and kicks me while I’m down any chance they get, but they are never present in my life when I’m doing well struggling and making things happen for myself. I just do not know what to do anymore. Visited a cousin last night, and found that extended family is being just as shitty with their own gossip of what I do with myself. I’m not being dramatic here I’ve over come many things. I just hate that no one is real with me anymore, I am alone in this.”

      I couldn’t care less about my ex, and I understand life isn’t fair, but it sucks when someone tries to play dirty. Don’t worry in Custody my lawyer and I made her look so stupid with actual facts,  I could not believe the things this girl said in court I was shocked. Any angle she could possibly take at me she tried it was insane. She EVEN claimed abuse, which quickly turned around on her, got a cps case open on both of us and you know what happened? They didn’t even have any interest on my side they were more interested in her that I seen them once, and she got hounded by the lady for months cause I told her that she used her name in court and tried to use their department as an excuse to say what she wants.

       

      I fought and got what I wanted, but the damage was still done, not just from this but my whole life has been harder than it seems like it should be. I do the same things as other people, but I’m always having something hold me down and I’m tired of it.

      That’s all this post is about, I haven’t read everyone’s reply yet but if you think it’s because I sought anti depressants I’m sorry but that’s false. I sought them because I was feeling like this, and they were working whatever I was taking, but the pharmacy gave me different pills this time for the same script and they’re not working. I believe if used right modern meds can help people, but hearing all the horror stories from people who are not doctors all my life has kept me from trying them, I only mentioned it cause I thought it was effed up that the pharmacy i go to made such an error like giving me the wrong 30 day meds and they actually end up working, I get them refilled only to find out that these are the actual pills I am supposed to be taking. I’ve given them a fair shot but I’m gonna find something that works. I wish I knew what I was taking for a month straight that had me feeling like me again and generally improve my quality of life again.

       

      Things are tough all over and I’m sorry I had a moment of weakness but I hope no one thinks I was trying to be dramatic for attention or something. First thing I read made me come straight down here and wanna clarify things.

      I genuinely appreciate everyone for reaching out it means a lot to find such support, especially from other CDs, funny fact, I didn’t know what CD meant before coming here, but I’ve seen it used in reference more than a few times. Someone here said “CD=Crossdresser” lmao and I was mortified xD but then happy that I can still laugh at myself.

    • #390811
      Krissi S
      Participant
      Registered On: October 1, 2020
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 57
      Has thanked: 137 times
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      I really feel for you Dylie, and I really hope you get through this period.

      Whilst I’m feeling okay at the moment, I have had many many many times in the past when I’ve really struggled to cope with my feelings, my outward projection, my relationships with other people, and just that feeling of isolation about the girl inside me. Whilst I can not pretend I know how you are feeling at this moment, please just try to take it one day at a time.

      I’ve only been on this site a little while, but I can already tell that the support is immense here and there are so many sisters routing for you.

      <3<3<3

    • #390794
      Anonymous
      Inactive
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      Dylie,

      My Dear, life can be miserable we all know that.  I know I have been there and done that.  I am much older than you so I don’t know what it’s like to be in YOUR Generation, so what I say may have no bearing.

      Be CAREFUL with drugs even including anti-depressants.  While they may help short term, I feel too many Doctors prescribe them so they have less to do with their patients.  That I know for a fact in my case.  Once I became more familiar and comfortable with my feminine side and then got off the pills they were pushing on me I became to understand myself better.

      I have many I know I can not talk about my “Mindy”.  And that is a heartbreak for me. Will I ever come all the way out?  At this juncture in my Life I think not and I can come to grips  with that.  I will never go fully transgender and have a sex change.  I do not need that and I am very okay with that.  All I need is a partner that someday I might find that is okay with it and willing to share both sides of me.  I am more into pleasing someone else than to ever satisfy my needs. It is the way I am wired.

      Continue to share here.  Open up when you feel up to it.  Love who you are no matter what.  It is Your Choice!  My Mother never ever understood me.  I never broached this subject with her while she was alive.  My Parents both said they supported me in so many ways, but they lied to me.  They NEVER understood or supported my Years in the Service.  Moved away from the family home after I left Active Duty Service and moved across the Country where they had no part in my life or my children’s life.  That was sad.  BUT!  They were the happiest I had ever seen them so I half heartedly accepted that and respected their wishes.

      My Dear….I wish you well….

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #390778
      Amanda Burton
      Participant
      Registered On: January 15, 2020
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 241
      Has thanked: 2646 times
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      Dylie sweetie, this a great site to be on, with some really great girls, most of which have or are going through the torment you are at the moment.
      Sweetie my advice would be to ask your Doctor to refer you to a counsellor adverse in this, a subject , this will give you an opportunity to talk freely about how you feel and effects upon you. You will get professional
      help and backup to help you when are down or depressed.
      You also have the support on here of tremendous girls who have fought against the many internal demons, prejudices and battles I expect you will also encounter , and probably have the answer to many questions buzzing in your head.
      Here you are never alone,never be afraid to ask or seek help, a problem shared is indeed a problem solved.
      Sometimes an ear to listen can be an amazing relief. Sometime a reply can unlock the pain.
      Wishing you lots of love,
      Amanda xx

      • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Amanda Burton. Reason: None
      • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Amanda Burton. Reason: Missing word
      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #390777
      Tiff Any
      Participant
      Registered On: June 1, 2019
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 823
      Has thanked: 2367 times
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      Hey Dylie , we’ve all been in the rollercoaster , I’m so glad we’ve met & chatted , lots of help available ….please take it , professionals are there for us all 🌹🌹🌹💋💋

    • #390773
      Samantha Roarke
      Ambassador
      Registered On: April 17, 2019
      Topics: 40
      Replies: 860
      Has thanked: 1828 times
      Been thanked: 1654 times

      We’re here for you, so if you need to rant/vent get it all out sweets! Life is hard, and even harder for us ladies; but remember there is ALWAYS a silver-lining to even the worst scenarios life can throw at you.

      -SR-

      PS:  Have to throw out my disclaimer (Don’t take this personally).

      Here, this is the National Suicide Hotline phone number and website: (1-800-273-8255) https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org I hate to have to say this but, we in this CDH chat room are truly not trained professionals qualified to help you in this time of need. We here do understand your predicament, and CAN point you in the right directions to qualified professionals that can give you the help you need! We are all in your corner, and are here to help support you! Life is so precious! Please do not take it for granted.

      Sincerely, Samantha Roarke

       

    • #390772
      Amy Belle
      Participant
      Registered On: September 19, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 15
      Has thanked: 87 times
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      You are absolutely valued and wanted, and I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for sharing your story, and I’m here if you need an ear.

    • #390684
      Dani CD
      Participant
      Registered On: September 10, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 25
      Has thanked: 84 times
      Been thanked: 95 times

      Hi Dylie,                                                                   Sometimes a bit of a rant can help, don’t ever feel bad, we are all here for you, good luck with it all,                                                                  Dani👩🏻‍🔧xoxo

    • #390678
      Grace Scarlett
      Participant
      Registered On: July 26, 2020
      Topics: 12
      Replies: 309
      Has thanked: 1823 times
      Been thanked: 1467 times

      Dylie

      Believe me when I say you are not alone…most girls here have problems of some sort…. There’s girls whose SO’s hate what they do…..then there are girls like me….I live alone, have no one to tell or talk to. I fight that by getting out there and I “live my dream”. I also embrace the wonderful girls here who will try their hardest to give me any support they can, and in return, I give mine. This place is not called heaven for nothing Dylie, it’s full of Angels. For every negative, please believe me, their IS a positive…. sometimes you just have to fight to get it….so chin up girl, because if you are here, you are never Alone!!!!….warmest huggs, grace xx

    • #390671
      Laura Jane Moore
      Participant
      Registered On: July 10, 2020
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 70
      Has thanked: 487 times
      Been thanked: 281 times

      I am reading a book that was suggested by a sister here at CDH…. I recommend it,

      Learning to Love Yourself… by Gay Hendricks

      Your sisters here empathise with you and love you.

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